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steamthunk is offline steamthunk
Chieftain
Boston, Massachusetts
May 2002
time: 00:23
Talking  Old Post 12-11-2002 11:37
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Well, late to the party as usual, but at least I got to read all of the final bits at once instead of waiting for each segment. A fine ending!

If I had one suggestion for improvement I would say try embellishing some of the key scenes more and skipping some non-essentials. For instance, the traveling bits to Moscow could have been taken out entirely and more space could have been given to setting up tension in the assassination sequence. Why? Well we all know Mike & Co. will make it to Moscow so any encounters there are throw-aways. However, the actual assassination is pivotal and I felt I wanted more details about the setting of the parade, the final moments of what Catherine was doing before she is killed, the reactions of the crowd and body guards, etc.

Again, really good first story!

ChrisiusMaximus is offline ChrisiusMaximus
Emperor
Staffordshire England
Jul 2002
time: 05:23
  Old Post 12-11-2002 12:00
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Yes I think I can see your point there Steamthunk, but I dont agree about the journey to Moscow. If I was to rewrite I would leave it the same but expand a little on the assaaaination as per your suggestion. If I get time I may edit in some extra Text.

Thanks for the feedback.

EDIT Ive decided after much thought that, although I genuinely appreciate your advice and comments that I will leave this story as it stands with the ending and final chapters the way I intended them to be.

Last edited by ChrisiusMaximus on 21-11-2002 at 06:50

TheGuitarist is offline TheGuitarist
Warlord
Columbia, SC, USA
Jul 2002
time: 00:23
  Old Post 13-11-2002 07:19
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#93 Report this post to a moderator
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Nice job, Chrisius, and I'm proud of me for giving the ultimate sacrifice.

I certainly agree with Mr. Steamthunk, however, in that the ending needed a bit more detail. Perhaps it would have been even more powerful if you had left out the realization of Vovan's treachery until the battle at the very end.

In any case, superb job. Waiting for the sequel.

Fabula finita est. (The tale has been finished.)

ChrisiusMaximus is offline ChrisiusMaximus
Emperor
Staffordshire England
Jul 2002
time: 05:23
  Old Post 13-11-2002 12:26
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#94 Report this post to a moderator
Got spare money?

Thanks Tom aka The guitarist for your support.

Last edited by ChrisiusMaximus on 14-11-2002 at 00:10

unscratchedfoot is offline unscratchedfoot
Prince
Love me tender. Love me sweet.
May 2002
time: 14:23
  Old Post 13-11-2002 13:13
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That's not fair! I wanted to be cooked off in the story too. Next time you write a story Chris, I wanna go down in a blaze of glory (and take a lot of bad guys with me).

ChrisiusMaximus is offline ChrisiusMaximus
Emperor
Staffordshire England
Jul 2002
time: 05:23
  Old Post 14-11-2002 00:10
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Ill see what I can do Scratch

ChrisiusMaximus is offline ChrisiusMaximus
Emperor
Staffordshire England
Jul 2002
time: 05:23
  Old Post 21-11-2002 06:55
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BUMP

Ive sent this back to the top due to the fact there seems to be more activity here just lately. If there are any other readers who would like to comment on this for good or bad I would appreciate the feedback.

This was my first story here and all suggestions will help me in my endeavor to write my second, but dont be bashful if you love "Mikes Story" then say so! Please.

vovan is offline vovan
Emperor

Oct 2001
time: 06:23
  Old Post 21-11-2002 06:58
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quote:
Originally posted by ChrisiusMaximus
All suggestions will help me in my endeavor to write my second.


Aha, so can expect the second any time soon then? That'd be great

SKILORD is offline SKILORD
King
Live free or Die
Mar 2002
time: 05:23
  Old Post 21-11-2002 07:44 Visit SKILORD's homepage!
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It isn't bad Chris, you get plenty of feedback though, it makes me jealous.

unscratchedfoot is offline unscratchedfoot
Prince
Love me tender. Love me sweet.
May 2002
time: 14:23
  Old Post 21-11-2002 14:15
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Here's what I think of you & your story

Hehe (I told you I was immature)

bassman is offline bassman
Chieftain
near Seattle
Dec 2001
time: 21:23
  Old Post 22-11-2002 06:11
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Looks as if I'm late getting back to the party, too.

Absolutely a whopping story, Chrisius, especially for your first effort. Mine was so dry, you couldn't eat it with gravy.

Looking forward to your sequel. Perhaps the lovely blonde woman is Catherine's daughter, out for revenge!

vovan is offline vovan
Emperor

Oct 2001
time: 06:23
  Old Post 22-11-2002 08:01
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quote:
Originally posted by bassman:
Perhaps the lovely blonde woman is Catherine's daughter


Ooh, ooh, it's my turn to make a wacko prediction of the day unscratchedfoot):

The woman in the church is not Catherine's daughter. Here is the deal: When Leeds was conquered back when, Catherine came to the crushed city, to make a speech. She wanted to convince the Englishmen that they should not resist, and if they willingly join Russian workers in their efforts to create bright future, they would live happy lives. When she was leaving the city, she saw a little girl, standing on her knees in front of a dead woman's body, crying. As a sign of goodwill, and to further impress the people, Czarina decided to take the girl with her, and let her be one of her maids. A lackey sat the girl into the carriage, next to the ruler of Russia.

"What do they call you?" asked Catherine in English.
"Jess," answered the girl...

***

Jess lived with Czarina in the palace, and the two of them got so attached to each other, that Czarina felt motherly love towards the girl, and in the mind of Jess replaced her deceased mother. Catherine all but officially adopted Jess. Of course, the girl never knew that Russians actually killed her parents. She also fell in love with a page named Mikhail. He also reminded her of Mike with his looks. Besides, he was a very witty young man, and spoke English fluently.

With time, Jess got to know Russian very well, but never lost her ability to speak English.

***

On the fatal day for Catherine, Jess was in the cathedral, praying for the well-being of her step-mother, hoping that maybe some day she could become the ruler of the Mighty Empire of Russia, since the Czarina had no other heirs.

Jess heard footsteps, and hid behind the altar. She sat there during the whole thing, occasionally peeking out. But when she caught glimpses of the English faces, in desperate need of a shave, and disfigured with anger, terror, and some barbarian desire to kill, she was so scared that she didn't dare even breathe, and held her breath for minutes at a time.

She also saw general Vovan go down in a barrage of bullets... She remembered when she was a little girl, he used to come to the palace, and bring her toys and sweets. (The part she didn't know was that he just tried to gain access to the throne, knowing of Catherine’s tender feelings towards the girl.) Even though Jess had always remembered that she was born in England, she had just seen two of the dearest people in her life die. Again. This was too much for her. As the assassins fled, she knew that she would devote her life to seeking them out and destroying them.

***

Her search is close to being over. She is sitting in a church. Her revenge would be so much sweeter, since the man she hates most would die in the same surrounding she saw the man she loved like a father breathe his last…

***

Ha, beat that scratchy

ChrisiusMaximus is offline ChrisiusMaximus
Emperor
Staffordshire England
Jul 2002
time: 05:23
  Old Post 22-11-2002 12:23
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I would have to say vovan that is very good, especially if we ever get the joint writing thingy off the ground.

unscratchedfoot is offline unscratchedfoot
Prince
Love me tender. Love me sweet.
May 2002
time: 14:23
  Old Post 22-11-2002 12:40
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#104 Report this post to a moderator
Avatar Enlargement: We've got the solution

Chris, no thanks for my last post "praising" your story?



Man, I got too many ideas for new stories. I think I'll write a Christmas comedy next to add some cheer to the forum. We need it after that tiff with Lookarse (uh oh, bad spelling again!)... uh.. Kickmyarse... whatever

ChrisiusMaximus is offline ChrisiusMaximus
Emperor
Staffordshire England
Jul 2002
time: 05:23
  Old Post 23-11-2002 02:28
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Hey Scratchy where in the hell did you buy those mistakes from huh, I got sole rights to all selling mistake trading on this forum. Who's undercutting me eh, is it that CAN YOU SEE MY BUTT guy ? hes a real pain in the ASS!!

Oh yeah BTW thanks for your ever unique form of praise as always, sorry I forgot to mention it earlier.

Good smilie that he he!

vovan is offline vovan
Emperor

Oct 2001
time: 06:23
  Old Post 23-11-2002 02:52
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#106 Report this post to a moderator
Remove this text

Look, now, Chrisius, I don't know about Scratchy, but I can tell you this: I don't need to buy no msitakes* from you, I can make some of my own - juicy homebred ones. Maybe you make yours from concentrate, or keep them in the fridge for months. How do I know? Now, if I use my own, I always know they are fresh and succulent - the readers will like 'em

Therefore, you need to compile a list of which mistakes you got for sale, so that the authors could either credit you, or come up with their own!

--------
* msitake - © ChrisiusMaximus.

ChrisiusMaximus is offline ChrisiusMaximus
Emperor
Staffordshire England
Jul 2002
time: 05:23
  Old Post 27-09-2003 21:08
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Well its been some time since I wrote this piece and I just wanted to remind you all about it

Of course also for anyone who may not have seen this first time round.

Ive been wondering whether to do a sequel, what do you think folks.

Nym is offline Nym
Prince
France
Mar 2002
time: 06:23
  Old Post 27-09-2003 21:46
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quote:
Originally posted by ChrisiusMaximus
Well its been some time since I wrote this piece and I just wanted to remind you all about it

Of course also for anyone who may not have seen this first time round.

Ive been wondering whether to do a sequel, what do you think folks.


I vote for a sequel.

vovan is offline vovan
Emperor

Oct 2001
time: 06:23
  Old Post 27-09-2003 21:56
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* Vovan hears the crowd outside his window chant: "Sequel! Sequel!! Sequel!!!" *

ChrisiusMaximus is offline ChrisiusMaximus
Emperor
Staffordshire England
Jul 2002
time: 05:23
  Old Post 27-09-2003 22:01
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#110 Report this post to a moderator
Got spare money?

Thank you so much but there will have to be far more pleading from the masses

I would like to do a sequel but Id also like to see some life return to this forum

unscratchedfoot is offline unscratchedfoot
Prince
Love me tender. Love me sweet.
May 2002
time: 14:23
  Old Post 28-09-2003 04:51
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#111 Report this post to a moderator
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I would kill each and everyone of you on the spot to be able to read a sequel from the master.

vova-casanova, what does your signature mean? What is "C"? Do you mean that you are imagining Chrisius running around all covered in olive oil?

vovan is offline vovan
Emperor

Oct 2001
time: 06:23
  Old Post 28-09-2003 05:09
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#112 Report this post to a moderator
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quote:
Originally posted by unscratchedfoot vova-casanova, what does your signature mean? What is "C"? Do you mean that you are imagining Chrisius running around all covered in olive oil?


Nope. C is a programming language and supposedly it is really easy to screw everything up with it. That statement in my sig is actually what our professor said back when I was taking a class about C.

ChrisiusMaximus is offline ChrisiusMaximus
Emperor
Staffordshire England
Jul 2002
time: 05:23
  Old Post 29-09-2003 04:56
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Now now Scratchy just calm down there's no need to murder everybody just to get me to write you know

Anyway Ive still got Fight for Freedom on the go and then I already have my third story worked out in my head, so mike will have to wait a while longer yet

vovan is offline vovan
Emperor

Oct 2001
time: 06:23
  Old Post 30-09-2003 05:43
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#114 Report this post to a moderator
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quote:
Originally posted by ChrisiusMaximus
Now now Scratchy just calm down there's no need to murder everybody just to get me to write you know


Is it safe to come out then?



* Vovan crawls from under the couch, looking around wearily, watching out for scratch to jump out from behind a corner and go on a bloody rampage or put olive oil all over Chrisius *

Kaos XIII is offline Kaos XIII
Warlord
beautiful coastal city of... Que te Importa
May 2003
time: 00:23
  Old Post 07-10-2003 09:43 Visit Kaos XIII's homepage!
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#115 Report this post to a moderator
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Your first story, hmm. I just started reading it and I’m up to where the Russians captured Leeds, GRRRR.

It’s funny reading everyone’s year old post.

I’m glad Fight for Freedom is rolling along. I’ll catch up with that one later.

Last edited by Kaos XIII on 07-10-2003 at 09:51

ChrisiusMaximus is offline ChrisiusMaximus
Emperor
Staffordshire England
Jul 2002
time: 05:23
  Old Post 07-10-2003 11:36
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#116 Report this post to a moderator
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I was'nt sure if some newer posters here had seen this when I bumped it up so I hope you enjoy it Kaos, it was good fun to write and the feedback was superb and hilarious at times.

Be nice to see you do another piece

vovan is offline vovan
Emperor

Oct 2001
time: 06:23
  Old Post 08-10-2003 09:46
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Well, I reread the whole thread from the beginning, inspired by Kaos' statement that "It’s funny reading everyone’s year old post" and indeed it's pretty interesting to read stuff I already forgot I wrote or read. :) Man, I was pretty harsh with the first couple of posts, eh? :D Any ways, now that I've reread everything, I'd like to reiterate something I said in my very first post in this thread:

quote:
There are three kinds of stories I found here. I separate them based on what I am thinking after I have read them:

1. Nah, this is too boring to read.
2. Wow, this is really good!
3. Hey, this is cool, why don't I write something also.

Now, your story fits into the third category.


(Sorry about quoting myself. I am normally not like that :)) This thing still inspires me to write something. In fact, I am so inspired now that if it wasn't 2 o'clock in the morning, and if I didn't have an economics test at 8 and a physics test at 9 o'clock tomorrow morning (well, I guess I should say: today), I'd sit down and write something right now. :)

Oh, and one more thing, this amount of feedback makes me too jealous. Maybe I should bump postmortem. ;)

ChrisiusMaximus is offline ChrisiusMaximus
Emperor
Staffordshire England
Jul 2002
time: 05:23
  Old Post 14-02-2004 03:45
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#118 Report this post to a moderator
Inflate your Upload Space

BUMP

Paddy the Scot is offline Paddy the Scot

Prince
Hordeland
Mar 2001
time: 14:23
  Old Post 14-02-2004 08:10 Visit Paddy the Scot<br><a href=/members><img src=/forums/images/inmate-icon.gif border=0></a><BR>'s homepage!
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#119 Report this post to a moderator
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oh look.... not game to print this one... wow a book....

so when does the sequel start???

or have I missed something here...

edit: just copied it to word, and with out cleaning out the sig lines etc, as a raw copy it is 65 pages... very impressive

Last edited by Paddy the Scot on 14-02-2004 at 08:17

Paddy the Scot is offline Paddy the Scot

Prince
Hordeland
Mar 2001
time: 14:23
  Old Post 17-02-2004 15:04 Visit Paddy the Scot<br><a href=/members><img src=/forums/images/inmate-icon.gif border=0></a><BR>'s homepage!
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#120 Report this post to a moderator
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this was great, and still no word on a sequel

 
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