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Lazarus and the Gimp
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Whale-raping abomination
Aug 2000
time: 05:23
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Part 6
Extracts from "The Boy's Book of Evil and Kinky Global Conspiracies".
"Ernst Stefu Blofeld"- a.k.a. "Miss Tippytoes", "Bent Ernie" and "Cyanide Cindy McClure"
Details of his early life are sketchy, but it is believed that this cat-stroking loon was enrolled to the Illuminati Scouts at the age of 8, in the Leech troop. He was expelled after an unfortunate incident with a radioactive elk that left large stretches of Lapland habitable. Founded the Anarchist Reaction (Special Executive) at the age of 24, and by 27 had seen covert organisations all over Europe making substantial contact with his organisation.. His plan to monopolise the German opium market was foiled when legendary agent "Bulldog" Rah penetrated ARSE on several occasions, leaving the evil mastermind totally buggered. His attempt to assassinate Rah using a surface-to-air prostitute was narrowly foiled, and Blofeld disappeared shortly after. Believed to have taken up the career of criminal mastermind in a bid to impress girls.
"Evil"
See "Finland".
"Transcendental Order of the Immortal Wombat, The"
Bunch of deluded big girl's blouses who think that, just because they have access to esoteric lore that can summon up demonic forces, they're something special. Well do I look impressed? Do I? Do you think I give a ****? No, seriously- look me me in the eye and ask yourself "Does this man give a ****?". I hope their flouncy and flowing robes get them dragged to a brutal maiming in the bowels of some sort of agricultural heavy machinery because every single little thing about them makes me want to puke blood. Incidentally they're trying to raise the spirit of gayliberalism in the Offe-Topyc yadda yadda yadda.....
"Gayliberalism"
Do you know what they do to each other? Christ! How could they?
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"Is this supposed to enlighten me as to what's going on?"
"No. It's supposed to shut you up. Hey, look! We're nearly there."
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Lazarus and the Gimp
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Whale-raping abomination
Aug 2000
time: 05:23
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Part 7
In his later years, Bulldog would often come to reflect his entry to the Offe-Topyc. The dashing adventurer in him was fully prepared for a daring break-in, involving grappling hooks, a hair-raising ascent up the crumbling towers and jemmying open a high window. The reality proved slightly different. Agent Devilmunchkin simply dressed him in a set of hooded robes then walked him up the the front gate, pulling on the bell-cord.
A spy-hole flipped open. "Yeeeesssss?"
"Morning, Boris. I've delivered the sacrifice. Sign this invoice for me, would you?"
Thirty seconds later, with a "Good luck, old man" and a cheeky slap on the arse, Rah was being escorted through the gateway. He was taken through several chambers where huge and ancient posters extolled the virtues of controlling access to spears, and suggested that the best way of tackling plagues of boils would be to set up an extensive governmental sub-committee with wide-ranging boil-investigating powers, to be funded by a small hike in taxation on mammoth steaks and psychotropic fungus. Beyond that, he first encountered the massed hordes of the Wombatters as they groaned and strained their oiled musculature in an immense gymnasium.
"This is all new, of course." said Boris the Gatekeeper. "It used to be the nave of the Infernal Cathedral of Rynkg-T'syinklcx, the risen Wombat, so there used to be far more in the way of impaled bodies on spikes and pickled babies- that sort of thing.". He raised his voice to be heard over the pounding beat of the Euro-disco classics belting out over the PA. "However it was decided that it was all a bit 1970's, and that we needed more gaiety around the place, so we knocked through to the Under-Chapel of the Leper Acolyte and put the gym in."
Rah was stupified. The concept of breaking into a sweat for anything that didn't culminate in some sort of sporting victory and a manly embrace in the showers, or the death of some species of quadruped, was utterly alien to him. "It's enormous!" he gasped.
"It certainly is." replied Boris. "The place is now so gay that it's achieved a mass capable of tearing through the time/sex continuum and it's caused a sexuality black hole. It's sucking all the gaiety out of the surrounding nations- already 80% of Apolytonia is incapable of dancing beyond a kind of arythmical jerking, and Interior Design Consultants have become extinct.". Taking a side door out of the gym, the pair proceeded down a corridor decorated in a really interesting array of linen drapes creating a pseudo-Moroccon feel enhanced by oh-so-tasteful concealed lighting. "Of course, the concentrated gayness is now producing strange and esoteric occurances in the Offe-Topyc. Last week Judy Garland spontaneously manifested in the library, and she's been wandering around looking confused ever since. That's probably down to the pills though, poor thing."
"So this is all part of your evil plot?" said Rah, who was hopelessly adrift by this point.
"Evil? Good Lord, no." replied Boris. "We're the good guys, after all. Admittedly, we're going to kill you, but it's in a really good cause and we're going to feel really sorry about it afterwards. We've got counselling sessions arranged and everything. Still, needs of the many, and all that, you see?".
Boris clicked his fingers, and two burly members of the Liberal Youth emerged silently from the shadows. With an ease born of long experience, they effortlessly overpowered Bulldog and shoved him into a cell. As the heavy door slammed shut, Boris said "Say hello to your cellmate. I believe you know each other."
Rah turned and found himself staring into the cold, grey eyes of Ernst Stefu Blofeld.
****************************
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devilmunchkin
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first circle of the inferno
Jul 2001
time: 05:23
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where did i go?
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All times are GMT. The time now is 05:23.
Apolyton Time is 00:23. |
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25-10-2002 02:00
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