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vovan is offline vovan
Emperor

Oct 2001
time: 06:24
  Old Post 15-10-2003 22:32
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Got spare money?

What? First you don't update for how long and then I am gone for some four days, and you write three chapters! No fair! Then, again, I didn't have to wait for those.

This is some awesome stuff, though. I love the quantity and the quality! Hope you keep on going with this and never loose the inspiration.

ChrisiusMaximus is offline ChrisiusMaximus
Emperor
Staffordshire England
Jul 2002
time: 05:24
  Old Post 16-10-2003 05:07
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Aw thanks Vovan, but you cant blame me if youre away for four days

I have definitely found my flow again, at least for the moment and Im pretty sure I will be able to get this finished soon. I'm toying with the idea of cutting off soon and leaving the plot open for a sequel but Im not to sure if it would work out okay.

Thanks Scratch for your earlier reply to the first post of part 11.

Regards Chris

unscratchedfoot is offline unscratchedfoot
Prince
Love me tender. Love me sweet.
May 2002
time: 14:24
  Old Post 16-10-2003 05:30
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Yah, the good guys win! Your writing is getting better and better. As for the battle, I prefer, in my most unworthy way, a detailed look at what's happening in general as well as from one person's viewpoint. I mean you could have included a description of the general mayhem going on in addition to what was happening with the main characters to give us more of a 'there's a battle going on' feel. Just my two bits.

ChrisiusMaximus is offline ChrisiusMaximus
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Staffordshire England
Jul 2002
time: 05:24
  Old Post 19-10-2003 23:52
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Part 12 Danger in the air!!


Bryn had led his victorious army into the streets of Entremont,( the ancient seat of the Celtic Royal line) to a heroes welcome from the liberated masses that day. Throughout the continent of Celtica, in every Japanese, English and Celtic home and city their was rejoicing. For more than a generation the evil Communist regime at the hands of Mcgregor, had wreaked havoc and caused bloodshed, cruelty and despair upon the Celtic peoples.

Bryn knew that although there was much still to be done, his Brothers needed time to rejoice and then time to grieve for their fallen kin. He too perhaps, could now find some time, if only a moment, to grieve for his beloved Son Connel.


ROME.

"Your Imperial Highness, grave news I'm afraid!" said General Maximus.

"Well out with it General! what is it!" said Caesar angrily.

"The English have just sent us this message Sir!"

"Youre spy Lucius Vilnius is dead!! his accomplice Claudius was captured in the act of trying to steal secret documents from HM Goverments Foreign office. He has been thoroughly interogated, and has seen fit to discuss with us youre imminent invasion plan. This is a clear incitement to our nation, one which could very well see our two nations at war!! We must warn you Caesar no further trespasses by your spies will be tolerated!!! If you attempt to spy on us again we will declare WAR!!! Further Caesar we must inform you of our new Four Nations MPP pact with Celtica, Japan and China!!! if any of your forces attack one of our allies then we will declare WAR!! on Rome!!!"

" Thats all Sir!" finished the General.

Caesar was speechless, how could all his hard work, his many months of scheming and plotting and planning, all of which now looked to be thwarted by the faliure of one of his own agents. How could it all be going so wrong ?

"Who the hell is this Claudius!! how did he know about the invasion plans ? I cannot see how this is possible! tell me Maximus do you think the English are bluffing ?"

ENTREMONT,

In the newly built Celtic Central Goverment buildings, this was a fantastic achievement by the new power in Celtica. In less than four months and with much help from the Japnese providing skilled labour, and the English providing most of the finance. An international summit was taking place. It was to last for two weeks and its aims were to try and find solutions to current world tensions. The first week only delegates from the four nations pact were in attendance, but invitations had been sent out to the other three remaining nations of the Roma continent.

A great many topics were on the various agendas for the various meetings and sub meetings taking place during this summit, covering aspects such as trade, technological disparity and financial poverty etc etc. Bryn was chairing a meeting with the leaders of the other three nations of the new alliance, " Thank you all for coming here today, it is a great honour for me to finally meet you all, please be seated." He said motioning to the plush leather chairs around the smooth granite table.

"Bryn my Brother may I introduce my Emporer, his Emminence Tokugawa!" said his trusted friend Scratch.

"Yes and may I please introduce Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth 1 of England!" said a smiling Simon Peters, the diplomat who had first come to meet bryn with an offer of alliance all those months ago now.

"Allow me to introduce our leader Chairman Mao, his wisdom is as deep as the ocean!" said a Chinese diplomat.

"Great! thank you all, this is my most trusted Brother Kyle Donavon, I wanted him to attend this meeting as he will definitely play a very important role in our new government when we have held elections." said Bryn, sure in his own mind that his new political party "Free Celtica" would win.

"Bryn I have wanted to meet you for so long, it is an honour to do so now!" said Tokugawa.

"For me too Tokugawa, your envoy has been a most trusted friend and a Brother to us all in our struggle. My people owe much to your nation I only hope we can one day repay you!"

"It is of no matter!" said the Emporer as he waved his hand to dismiss Bryn's thoughts. " Our nation is just glad to see the back of that evil dictator!"

"I agree!" said Queen Elizabeth, "It could'nt have come soon enough for me to see Mcgregor defeated!! That animal has the blood of thousands of our young men on his hands!" she continued. "In fact it would have been worth any price to be rid of him!"

A sentiment that was shared by all in the room.

To be continued

Last edited by ChrisiusMaximus on 02-11-2003 at 21:55

vovan is offline vovan
Emperor

Oct 2001
time: 06:24
  Old Post 20-10-2003 02:09
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Hmm... Dark side I sense in Caesar. Some of his advisors shoot he will.

Nice developments there, Chris, though they kind of left me wanting for more. Interesting to see who will start the Rome vs The World war. Keep 'em coming, those goods, please.

ChrisiusMaximus is offline ChrisiusMaximus
Emperor
Staffordshire England
Jul 2002
time: 05:24
  Old Post 20-10-2003 03:28
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Part 12 Continued,


"Please! if I may. I do not wish to offend you my allies but I must insist that you refrain from describing Chairman Mcgregor as an evil communist. Indeed he was an evil man, a man who abused his posistion of power." said Mao of the Chinese.

"Agreed!" said Bryn, "A dictator is a dictator whether he be a king, Emporer or a Chairman. The form of government he chooses to hide behind is irrelevant!"

"As you are no doubt aware we have secured information detailing Rome's plans to invade Little Celtica. As we speak a massive fleet of Roman transport vessels is anchored off the coast of Rome awaiting Caesar's orders. From there he would progress to the mainland using the island as a staging post." said Simon Peters.

"Has there been any response from Rome ?" asked Bryn.

"Not as yet, but youve all got a draft of the message that was delivered to the Roman embassy in London last week. As you can see it reads very clearly! Caesar would be mad to ignore our threats!" continued Peters.

"What makes you so sure he will care? after all he has an army six million strong! more than all of us put together!" stated Kyle.

"Brother Kyle have you forgotten already how a huge obstacle can be surpassed ? have not you and your Brothers just accomplished the impossible ?" added Scratch. "Yes Caesar stands before us like a mighty Oak, unbending to the wind, we must be sure our blades are keen to fell such a foe!"

"As a gesture of goodwill my government has decreed to share our latest technologies with you all, all the details are in the prospectus youve been given. Yes it will take time to rebuild Celtica and to enable you all to fully modernise your military forces, but I am confident we can achieve peace!" said HRH Queen Elizabeth.

"What if Caesar strikes before we have managed to train our forces, in these new techniques ?" asked the aide to Chairman Mao, Lung Yoo.

"The problem Caesar has is very similar to that of the former Chairman Mcgregor! an obsession with size! Although the Romans have not had to finance fighting an all out war lately, their military budget is massive. They spend so much on supporting their army that research is almost at a complete standstill." said Tokugawa.

"Yes indeed our military forces though fewer in number surpass the Romans technologically! there fleet is large but still comprised of Frigates, Galleons and Ironclads. They dont even know that the Royal Navy is watching them from below the waves in our newest vessels, Submarines!" said Peters.

"YES!! YES!! those stupid Romans cant see our boys only a few hundred yards from their ships! HAW!! HAW!! HAW!!" laughed the Queen quite hysterically.

"They have absolutely no knowledge of our flighted aircraft, brand new I admit but with our new Bombers we could almost destroy any invasion force before it gets near our shores, and finish them off with torpedoes!" said Peters.

"Tor what ?" asked Bryn rather perplexed by it all, "Machines that can fly and drop bombs ? what in the Gods!"

"Progress Brother!" said Scratch, "Its called progress!"

"Bryn on behalf of my Queen and our nation I ask for your permission for us to establish a permanent base on Little Celtica! from there we could easily keep an eye on any agressive Roman troop movements on both land and sea!"

The meeting went on into the night.

ROME,

another meeting had just finished in Rome and Caesar was just deliberating his decisions.

"Although it pains me greatly to postpone operation Celtica I see no alternative. Gentlemen we must reassess the situation! if we attack now we risk a war on many fronts and against an alliance of four. As things are we cannot guarentee that France and Egypt would not sieze an opportunity to attack us while we were otherwise engaged. We must double our espionage efforts and find out the strengths and weaknesses of this new alliance! Getlemen we may have to annex the remainder of both France and Egypt before we can attempt to invade Celtica!"

Caesar was not really a dictator in the same sense as Mcgregor had been. The Romans loved him, and would follow him to hell itself! they were warlike people and were hell bent on total world domination, seeing all others as inferior beings to be used as slaves and entertainment in the arenas of Romana!

For now the Roman war machine, massive beast that it was would stand down. At least until a target was definitely selected for its attention. The Celtic people would have time to breath the new fresh air of their nation reborn but there was still DANGER IN THE AIR!!

ChrisiusMaximus is offline ChrisiusMaximus
Emperor
Staffordshire England
Jul 2002
time: 05:24
  Old Post 20-10-2003 03:48
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Sorry about that Vovan you must have read the first part of chapter 12 while I was having my tea. I hope the second post leaves you feeling more satisfied

vovan is offline vovan
Emperor

Oct 2001
time: 06:24
  Old Post 20-10-2003 04:27
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Nice. I like these new developments. And the quantity of goods also leaves me quite satisfied.

Funny coincidence, too: I was reading this last chapter, I was listening to some music, and so as I get to the last paragraph, this song, Danger, by KISS starts. Went together quite well: reading the final sentence: "there was still DANGER IN THE AIR!!" and hearing Paul Stanley go



Danger, danger, give me danger, danger
Give me measures of pleasure and pain, boiling the blood in my veins
Danger, danger, give me danger, danger
Give me nothing to stand in my way, I'll make the best of my days





Anyways, good stuff, Chrisius. I didn't expect the Romans to stand down...

unscratchedfoot is offline unscratchedfoot
Prince
Love me tender. Love me sweet.
May 2002
time: 14:24
  Old Post 20-10-2003 04:54
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Bring on the war! I want to see a nice mutual slaughter of Romans and the Big 4

PLATO is offline PLATO

King
Of the occupied South
Dec 2002
time: 23:24
  Old Post 20-10-2003 17:11
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Interesting developments. Rome appears to be more politically isolated. Ceasar will need to take some type of diplomatic initiative or he will begin to fade in world power.
Still wondering about Scratch's and Tokugawa's motivation for helping. The English have exposed their reason in asking for basing rites.

Excellent storyline. I am really enjoying follwing it. Thanks and keep it coming!

vovan is offline vovan
Emperor

Oct 2001
time: 06:24
  Old Post 21-10-2003 04:46
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quote:
Originally posted by unscratchedfoot
Bring on the war! I want to see a nice mutual slaughter of Romans and the Big 4


Hey, I see you are back to your normal warmongering, and bloodthirsty self, scratch. That last story of yours without any shooting or mass carnage had me worried. Hence I had to play your role of a "hungry doberman on the chain" for a while to get you back in the mood. Now I see you are okay, and get back to my regular posting habits.

And speaking of writing, when's Dubya going to kick some more ass? I'd like to see more of that stuff. I hope he's not sitting in the restroom after the delicios chinese meal, worshipping the porcelain god? Chris here has had more than his fair share of cleaning the toilets, and besides, he can't show up in front of Caesar after cleaning up the mess - he will be executed for the bad smell!

unscratchedfoot is offline unscratchedfoot
Prince
Love me tender. Love me sweet.
May 2002
time: 14:24
  Old Post 21-10-2003 17:48
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um... thanks vova, I guess. I'm disappointed to hear that your recent war-mongering was faked. I thought you were finally seeing the light and learning how cool war really is. As for the bush story, there will be no diarrhea at all in it! Besides, Chris is doing too good a job of cleaning it all up for any to be left around.

By the way vova, your post is lacking meat: where's the positive commentation on Chrisius' work? I think he deserves a good word or two on this story.

vovan is offline vovan
Emperor

Oct 2001
time: 06:24
  Old Post 22-10-2003 05:37
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I'll think of adopting your evil ways, scratchy.

As for meat, I've praised Chrisius already in the previous post. More will come with the next installment. (Where is it, btw, Chrisius? ) With the amount of stories piling up here in the recent days, I have to ration praise severely, you see, lest it run out. Though I always have some for good ol' Chris here.

PLATO is offline PLATO

King
Of the occupied South
Dec 2002
time: 23:24
  Old Post 23-10-2003 06:23
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Chrisius, do I see a series developing here? Could the next epic be entitled "Danger in the Air"? Bryn seems to be developing into a world leader, but how will he react to the challenges of governing? What will his posture toward Ceasar be? Will he rely on the English and Japanese Shield...or will he commit his nation to rearming with their new technology? What will be the crisis' that he will have to overcome?

C'mon Chrisius...We need MORE!!!

Thanks for such a wonderful epic that stirs the imagination of how a new nation is born!! Write On!

Kaos XIII is offline Kaos XIII
Warlord
beautiful coastal city of... Que te Importa
May 2003
time: 00:24
  Old Post 27-10-2003 10:28 Visit Kaos XIII's homepage!
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Whoa! Lot’s of new developments, since I last read this. (and plenty of updates )

I think I’m going to miss Mcgregor and his war-mongering, advisor-shooting ways.

As for Bryn leading the new nation, I think he's in over his head, or not.

Anyways, keep up the good work, Chris Max.

vovan is offline vovan
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Oct 2001
time: 06:24
  Old Post 28-10-2003 05:08
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Hey, Chris, it's been more than two weeks now. Me want more goods.

Or should I say:

ChrisiusMaximus is offline ChrisiusMaximus
Emperor
Staffordshire England
Jul 2002
time: 05:24
  Old Post 02-11-2003 22:45
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Many thanks Vovan, Scratch, Plato and Kaos for the words of encouragement Im glad youre all liking it

Left this be a whiles to think through several ideas on where I want to go next, although Im still not 100% sure here's a little to keep you going.



Part 13 May The Gods Have Mercy,


Bryn was aboard HMS Invincible, a new Drestroyer class vessel, pride of the English Navy. The electoral business of choosing the first ever Democratic government of Celtica was being overseen by Kyle Donavon.

War crimes trials were in full swing with the suspected being sent to Devils Bridge for trial and sentencing.

Bryn had decided some time ago that Devils Bridge would become the Miliatary HQ for his reborn nation, partly for its secure isolated position, but also to give the people a sense of freedom from the armed forces. For years the Celtic people had been bullied and abused by men in uniforms, and Bryn wanted to let the people feel free.

It had been agreed that the UK would be leased a part of the island of Little Celtica to build a naval base. Bryn and a regiment of the newly formed Celtic defense force were enroute to reclaim the island. In all the goings on since the fall of Mcgregor at Entremont, Little Celtica had been overlooked somewhat, and intelligence suggested there may still be Communist forces at large on the island.

On the horizon the smoke stacks of several vessels carrying troops came into view, "Right on time Brother, we should rendezvous with the main fleet at 07.00 hours, Sir why dont you get some sleep!" said Liam Obrien to Bryn on the bridge of the Invincible.

"Yes Brother I think I will try to get an hour, wake me at 06.30 will you?" said Bryn, and headed of to his quarters. "Goodnight Captain Bennett!"

"Good night Sir!" said the Captain, "Engine room full speed ahead!" ordered the Captain to the First mate who relayed the orders. A claxon sounded twice "Now hear this !! Now hear this!! this is your captain speaking! all men to their stations! be alert we are entering hostile waters! Captain out!".

Bryn tossed and turned in his bunk, no matter how, he could not get to sleep. A deep burning sensation, deep in his gut was filling him with a severe sense of foreboding. He did not know what or why he just knew something terrible was about to happen, he could feel it right through his very being. Sweating profusely he drifted into a semi concious state, "Father be careful!" he heard a faint voice drifting through his mind.

"Huh!!" Bryn called out sitting up bolt upright covered in sweat, "Connel is that you?" he asked, but there was no answer. He was alone now in the darkness of his quarters, sobbing quietly to himself he placed his head back down onto the pillow of his bunk. "I will be careful my Son!" the words going round and round in his head as he fell off to sleep.



To be continued

Last edited by ChrisiusMaximus on 02-11-2003 at 22:51

ChrisiusMaximus is offline ChrisiusMaximus
Emperor
Staffordshire England
Jul 2002
time: 05:24
  Old Post 02-11-2003 23:58
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Part 13 cont,


Knock! Knock! "Bryn its 06.30, time to wake up!" shouted Liam outside Bryn's quarters.

The door opened and Bryn stepped through fully dressed, "Ive been awake some time Brother! in fact I found it difficult to sleep!" he said as the two of them made there way up to the upper deck.

"Lets take a stroll around the deck before we go on up to the bridge, stretch our legs!" said Liam.

"Why not, fresh is'nt it!" stated Bryn.

"Yes indeed, it feels good to let the fresh air fill your lungs Brother!" replied Liam.

"Lets hope that the air remains as sweet when we reach the island!" said Bryn.

"Ship ahoy!!" called a lookout from the conning tower.

Bryn and Liam rushed up from the quarter deck to the bridge, "What is it?" asked Bryn.

"It looks like a Roman vessel Sir, but its not flying any colours." said Captain Bennett.

"Galleon class transport vessel Sir, definitely Roman Sir, take a look through my binoculars!" said first mate Harris.

"Curious! why are'nt they flying any colours! set course 225 degrees to intercept, Battle stations!" ordered the Captain.

"Aye aye Sir!" said the first mate as he rang out the battle stations alert.

"Signal the fleet let them know were investigating this situation, they are to continue on their current course. We will rendezvous with them at these coordinates" the Captain continued issuing orders to his crew.

"Youve got to hand it to these English Liam, they certainly know how to run an efficient ship," said Bryn. In the back of his mind the words he had heard during the night.

"Indeed Brother!" Liams reply jolted Bryn back to the situation at hand.

The destroyer class vessel glided with ease through the waters, quickly making the distance between the two vessels smaller. As the Invincible came along side the Roman vessel the Captain addressed their crew over the loud hailer. "Heave to and prepare to be boarded, lay down your arms or we will open fire!"

The captain of the Roman vessel responded by shouting back at the invincible, "You have no jurisdiction here, this a vessel of the imperial Roman fleet and you will not board us!" he yelled angrily. "These are Celtic waters! England has no rights here!"

"Give me that!" Bryn said to the Captain, "I am Bryn Murdoch! Leader of the free people of Celtica! You sir are trespassing in Celtic waters, now do as the captain says or I shall let him sink you!"


More to come, dinners ready

PLATO is offline PLATO

King
Of the occupied South
Dec 2002
time: 23:24
  Old Post 03-11-2003 00:11
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Hmm...A Roman transport flying no colours, but the Captain redily identifies himself as Roman. Could this be a planned international incident in the making? Sounds like a trap. Careful Bryn!!!

ChrisiusMaximus is offline ChrisiusMaximus
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Staffordshire England
Jul 2002
time: 05:24
  Old Post 03-11-2003 03:32
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KABOOM!!!!


The Roman vessels portside cannons erupted with a huge roar and powder smoke, at this close range causing much damage to the British ship. A stray shot collided into the bridge of the invincible, smashing glass and causing an explosion! Bryn was hurled backwards from the force of the blast and slumped against the steel wall.

"Fire!!" yelled the Captain as he got back to his feet.




KABOOM!!!! BOOM!!!! BOOM!!! KABOOM!!!


The invincible fired a volley of shots at point blank range, the Roman ship seemed to lift several feet out of the sea! exploding in an inferno! its hull splitting in two at the midships. Burning forms of screaming men desperately leaping into the water, flames billowing like sails in the wind. Then she sank like a stone into the depths.

"Put out those fires!! sweep for survivors, but quickly man I want to be underway in a jiffy!!" Captain Bennett barked to one of his officers.

The first mate Harris was dead, he had taken the brunt of the explosion and his twisted form lay on the floor at Bryns feet. "My god Bryn are you alright?" said Liam.

"Yes yes I think so!" he said though clearly shaken. As he tried to get to his feet he stumbled in agony, "ARGHH, damn I think Ive been hit!"

"Medic!!" shouted Captain Bennett, "Looks like a shrapnel wound old boy! just take it easy and well get you patched up."

Luckily it was just a flesh wound in his right thigh, if first mate Harris had not been standing beside Bryn when the shell hit he would have been killed, no doubt.

"Sir we've not found any survivors," said a young sailor to the Captain.

"Whats our casualties Jacobs! and by the way you'll have to take over as first mate!"

"Aye aye Sir, 12 dead 37 injured Sir!" said Jacobs "Including First mate Harris Sir!"

"Thank you Mr Jacobs, now see to it that the injured get treated, and clear the decks for action stations! Engine room full speed ahead, Heading 355 degrees steady as she goes!"

The invincible got underway well the crew were still dousing the fires on deck, and clearing the debris of the futile Roman attack. Bryn was all patched up and was able to get back on his feet though in a little pain. His mind drifted back to the voice he had heard in his sleep, sending a cold shiver down his spine.

Several hours later than originally planned the landing force headed for the beaches of Little Celtica. The landing was unopposed but as expected their was resistance, and the fighting went on well into the afternoon. At approximately 15.30 hrs local time Bryn Murdoch stepped ashore at the quayside in the small Celtic Fishing village of Newquay. The village was deserted, and it looked as if it had been for some time.

"Brother you must come with me, Im afraid we have uncovered a terrible truth!" said Brother Kelly, a young officer in the Celtic defense force.

Bryn felt the same cold gut feeling suddenly wash over him that he had experienced the night before, he looked at Liam with an expression of worry. Both men followed the young soldier without a word, wondering what he meant, a terrible truth!

After a few minutes Bryn spoke"Soldier where are you taking us?" he asked.

"Please Sir follow me this way!" he replied looking straight at Bryn with eyes wide, haunted by something terrible.

The three of them rounded the corner of a street along both sides of which was high barbed wire fencing running the full length to a guard house and set of gates. Bryns sense of fear grew stronger, the air was filled with an awful stench.

"Sir put this on!" said another soldier who came out of the guard house at the gates, as he hande the three of them a dampened rag to use as a facemask.

"Whats going on here? what is this place?" asked Bryn, looking around him now he could see more of his Brothers all wearing makeshift masks. Some of the men were doubled over vomitting, some standing looking to the skies as if in some strange trance, many of the men were crying, tears falling uncontrollably down their cheeks.

"Please this way Sir!" said Kelly as he led them through the gates and into the compound.

It was only then that Bryn realised what was all around him! corpses, putrid stinking imaciated corpses. Other half dead skeletal figures staggering around nearly naked, nearly dead!!

"Sir there are two other camps similar to this on the island, it appears that this facility was for the extermination of the sick and elderly. The other camps were trading healthier prisoners to the Romans! Slavery Sir!!" said Kelly, himself crying.

Bryn stomach gave way and he vomitted, "Oohar, what in hells name has been going on here?" he said.

"It seems that since the fall of the regime the troops here have mostly deserted and left for Rome, leaving these poor wretches to starve to death. From what information we have gathered from some of the prisoners that were left, this island has been used as a penal colony by the communist regime for years. All political opponents, Prisoners of war and criminals were sent here to be forgotten about." Said Kelly.

"Tell me this is'nt hapening, Oh my god!" Bryn cried out.

"They were selling the able bodied men to be trained as Gladiators for the Roman Circus's, and the women were sold as slaves to be whored. any one who did not fit the bill came here for disposal by cremation. Sir!" finished Kelly.

Bryn cried out in anguish "NO!! NO!! say it is'nt true please!! it cant be true!! May the gods have mercy on our souls!!"...............

vovan is offline vovan
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Oct 2001
time: 06:24
  Old Post 03-11-2003 04:15
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WOW


I know I've said this a million times, but your writing gets greater and greater with every new chapter. After reading stuff like this, I always wish had more than two thumbs to put up for ya.

I thought the scene with Bryn sleeping was particularly good, and also the very last part was cool.

Overall, wow (again ).

Now that I think about it, you've got a lot of dialogue, but it doesn't feel awkward or any way cheesy at all. Dialogue is definitely your great strength.

In fact, there is so much dialogue, you could make a movie out of this.

One very minor complaint I have is your use of apostrophes. Or should I say: lack thereof. I think I said this a while back when you were writing Mike's story, but I'll repeat. In some places, the lack of apostrophes detracts from the satisfaction a little bit. One can figure out what you mean, but the very fact that you have to resolve the ambiguity sort of pulls you out of the story for that one millisecond, but that's enough to detract from the immersion a little bit. For example what I mean by ambiguity:

"just take it easy and well get you patched up."

The "we'll" you meant to write and the "well" you actually wrote... You see, it sort of puts the unnecessary strain of figuring out what you mean on the reader. Well, not really strain but... It's like this: you'd like the reader to be fully concentrated on what is going on, and indeed you succeed: your writing is very engaging and immersive, but when one needs to pay attention to mentally putting in the apostrophes it just takes him out of it a little bit.

Other than that, I must say, again, awesome and quite inspiring stuff. Hope to see more from you... all the time.

PLATO is offline PLATO

King
Of the occupied South
Dec 2002
time: 23:24
  Old Post 03-11-2003 06:06
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An unexpected and grisly turn of events. Rome must die!!

unscratchedfoot is offline unscratchedfoot
Prince
Love me tender. Love me sweet.
May 2002
time: 14:24
  Old Post 03-11-2003 10:57
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Very good writing

Kick their butts Rome!!!

It's not fair if everyone cheers only for the hometeam.

Shogun Gunner is offline Shogun Gunner

Emperor
Potomac Falls, Virginia
Oct 2000
time: 00:24
Thumbs up  Old Post 04-11-2003 21:06 Visit Shogun Gunner<br><a href=/members><img src=/forums/images/supporter-icon.gif border=0></a><BR>'s homepage!
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This is an excellent story. Most stories would end with the victory over the communists. I like the continuation of the impending conflict with Rome.

Great stuff, keep it up!!!!

joe08536 is offline joe08536
Chieftain

Jun 2003
time: 05:24
  Old Post 12-11-2003 08:02
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This is an excellent story. I'd say it has a little bit over everything and then some. It's simply some of the very best narrative I've seen here in quite a while.

a really good storyline and great character development.

Great Work!

J

PLATO is offline PLATO

King
Of the occupied South
Dec 2002
time: 23:24
  Old Post 13-11-2003 10:25
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10 days Chrisius! Don't keep us waiting!!

ChrisiusMaximus is offline ChrisiusMaximus
Emperor
Staffordshire England
Jul 2002
time: 05:24
  Old Post 13-11-2003 23:02
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I know I know, Im sorry folks for the delay. Im absolutely snowed under with work, which as Im self employed is a good thing but means Im very tired when I get home. Ive tried a couple of times to write but I start falling asleep and cant concentrate.

Got a weekend off work coming up so be patient and I might get some up then

Thanks to everyone for their support and encouragement

vovan is offline vovan
Emperor

Oct 2001
time: 06:24
  Old Post 13-11-2003 23:59
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Lose 30 kilos (of popups)

Ah, well it's good you didn't post what you wrote then: if you fell asleep when you wrote it, I imagine we would have even faster - reading it. Hehe.

Any way, I hope you get some rest soon so you could exercise your creative skills once more.

PLATO is offline PLATO

King
Of the occupied South
Dec 2002
time: 23:24
  Old Post 14-11-2003 09:41
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quote:
Originally posted by ChrisiusMaximus
I know I know, Im sorry folks for the delay. Im absolutely snowed under with work, which as Im self employed is a good thing but means Im very tired when I get home. Ive tried a couple of times to write but I start falling asleep and cant concentrate.

Got a weekend off work coming up so be patient and I might get some up then

Thanks to everyone for their support and encouragement


Well I can sure understand being tired from work! Get some rest...we'll be here.

JoseM is offline JoseM
Settler

Nov 2003
time: 05:24
  Old Post 18-11-2003 07:47
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Good

 
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