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Lazarus and the Gimp
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Whale-raping abomination
Aug 2000
time: 05:25
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I dug this up off the depths of my C drive today.
""THE VIKINGS ARE COMINNNNNNGGGGGG!!!!"
The above phrase, in a variety of dialects, tends to herald the arrival of English football fans. Sadly, the antics on the pitch tend to be somewhat low-key in comparison. True, we used to watch Norman "Bites yer legs" Hunter crunch shins on a weekly basis, but carnage is thin on the grounds these days. The last event of note was the sickening episode when Coventry FC's Dave Busst had his leg horribly snapped on live TV, leaving Man U's Peter Schmeichel retching uncontrollably as sawduct was strewn over the huge pool of blood in fron of his goal, but even that tragedy was an accident rather than gladiatorial brutality.
That's true of just about all footie, with the real horrors being accidents. In fact, they're often turned into displays of heroism- I can't think of any other sport in which a player plays out the last 30 minutes of an intense contact sport with a badly broken neck, as Bert Trautmann did. I defy anyone to watch that grainy old B&W footage, with Bert deflecting shots whilst holding his neck and grimacing in agony, without getting a lump in their throat.
Deliberate carnage on-pitch was always thin on the ground. Among the more memorable events were Vinny Jones' crushing Paul Gascoigne's testicles in his vice-like grip, caught by the cameras, or Eric "French Psycho" Cantona's vaulting into the crowd to deliver a two-footed kung-fu dropkick into the flabby belly of a heckling arse. Personally, I was cheering Eric on that occasion. Had the clown in question turned up at my workplace and levelled a stream of obscene jingoistic crap at me I'd have chinned him, so who am I to judge? Recent events have been limper, with Paolo Di Canio's girly shove on a referee who collapsed in a camply theatrical display of spinelessness being particularly embarrassing.
Other sports are equally limp, with the possible exception of rugby. Those of us with long memories may recall JPR Williams almost getting his face torn clear off his skull by another player's studs. Outside those pitches we Brits just can't get the hang of organised carnage, and I blame the schools and scoutmasters. At school, we all got the concepts of "fair play" rammed down our protesting throats by Sports teachers- a profession clearly set up as a form of compensation for those who, through the whims of time, missed out on their natural vocations of torturer, death camp guard, or keen amateur vivisectionist. Outside of school, those of us unfortunate enough to be bundled off to Scouts got an additional helping of conditioning lashed on us by a fascist of dubious sexual orientation, cheering on the concepts of "gentlemanly fair play" whilst straining to conceal his monstrous priapism spurred on by the twinkling little pert buttocks of those apple-cheeked young boys. Frankly, as a sporting nation, we're ****ed as a result.
Even our boxers can't hack it. Lennox Lewis, though a great boxing talent, is so devoid of aggression that he could enter a Carmelite Convent without causing any batted eyelids. Frank Bruno was a clown. Our one "bad boy", the revolting Alan Minter, was an overt racist in that inherently pitiful little-Englander/National Front style. One of my most cherished sporting memories was his bold declaration "No black man's ever going to beat me" just 24 hours before the brilliant Marvin Hagler bludgeoned him into a bleeding pile of snot and gristle. In just 2 rounds. Marvin Hagler, in the unlikely event of me ever meeting you, I'm going to shower you in drinks and women just for that.
US sportsmen, in comparison, are incredible. Huge, steroid-pumped leviathons, looking for all the world like sides of prime Aberdeen Angus beef cattle stuffed into crotch-hugging lycra. I've no idea what kind of sick genius thought up the concept of cramming sub-human, muscle-bound freaks into the campest of fetish gear and calling it "football", but he was clearly a comercial godhead. The arguments as to whether football as displayed by the NFL could be considered "sport" will rage for centuries, but it's certainly entertaining. Anything that appears to combine the qualities of a homo-erotic gang-bang with a particularly frisky bar-room brawl and still gets prime-time screening on mainstream TV under the guise of "sport" must be cherished as a national treasure of the most subversive kind. Basketball? It's a carnival sideshow, only the freaks are now the ones with the biggest pay packets.
(Observant readers may notice that baseball does not get mentioned. Baseball remains as incomprehensible to English eyes as Cricket does to American eyes. Balls get thrown around and then suddenly someone has won. What happens in between is not meant for us to understand.)
The laws of the jungle will prevail. Polite and courteous British sport stands about as much chance of survival as a lemming in a blast furnace. However, an answer exists, and is within our grasps. Just take the cameras down to Old Trafford, or Craven Cottage, or Ninian Park, and turn them round 180 degrees. Then forget about crowd control or policing and let the vikings do their time-honoured thing.
It will be beautiful. After 20 years of evading Scotland Yard, England's football hooligans are far more organised and exercise more teamwork than England's national football squad could ever dream of achieving. Our footballers are a joke, a creaky bunch of has-beens and never-weres, but our supporters are the most feared fighting force outside of the Gurkhas. If time-travelling was possible, an entire Roman Legion could be routed by a dozen flabby, red-faced skinheads with Millwall FC shirts and Stanley knives. Once such behaviour receives media acceptance (and it will), it will spread. I look forward to the day when the inaugural riots engulf Crown Green Bowling and the severed, pipe-smoking head of David Bryant scores a perfect touch on the jack.
It's the sport of the future and it's ours for the taking. Now grab the furniture from an open-air bistro and join in."
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20-01-2003 02:07
. Nascar races should NEVER finish under caution flag. 
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