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atomant
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Aussie, no longer lost in Africa
Jul 2002
time: 15:28
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The Saga Continues.... (a bit longer than before)
Apolyhistory II: The Imperium Strikes Back
(otherwise known as episode five)
(BC1750-1300)
At the election of Chosen One Cavebear, the leadership of the Imperium, the collective mind behind the hive, met and consulted the citizenry. It was noted that much work needed to be done in order to become the pre-emanate power on our world. Our Supreme Military Commander, Tribune Hydey, noted with both anticipation and in trepidation that we are close to two rival civilisations, specifically the Heathen Japanese and the evil Greeks.^
^ During the inauguration of Chosen One Cavebear, a strange and mysterious figure viewed the celebration with maniacal glee. Although applauding, he was heard to mutter, “WIA shall return, more powerful than ever….muhahahaha”
Science? We Ain’t Got None Freakin Sowance??
During the preparation period, it was noted that the time involved to move forward in the development of enlightened technological advances was great. Numerous discussions were held and in the end it was decided that our glorious leadership would hold the path towards monarchy and hope that the neighbouring infidels would possess some of the keys that would unlock that hallowed door.
The Imperium is Revolting
The discovery of Bronze Working, under the leadership of John the Timid (Keeper of the Sacred Chamber Pot), prompted the citizens of the Imperium to create devices called Knives, Forks and Plates*. To show their dissatisfaction, the people began, as was their right, to bash their forks and knives on their plates. This minor acoustical annoyance soon turned into open revolt in some cities.
] *Knives, Forks and Plates: Prior to the Imperium, our decadent ancestors, at meal times, used Knaves to first reduce food to mouth sized portions prior to consumption by the nobility. Additionally, to ensure that the food did not slip onto the dirt floors of our caves, the Plaits of the Knaves were tied to the floor. Hence, the words Knives and Plates are derivatives of this ancient custom. In contrast, the history of the word Fork is shrouded in mystery, but investigations to date reveal that it involved carnal pleasures from pronged devices that shall remain nameless least the pure morals of the Imperium become corrupted.
Master Obiwan18, using his mandate to manage the cities, cast his benevolent gaze over the population centres of the Imperium. Obiwan deduced that, due to the rapid expansion of cities and population, many of the people were indeed unhappy. To rectify the situation, Obiwan encouraged Chosen One Cavebear to create citizens militia in order to quell the rising tide of dissatisfaction with the apparent inaction of the Imperium.
Under the oversight of Master Obiwan, a great project also commenced. Designed to link the cities of the Imperium together into a web of harmonic symbiosis, these roads would increase trade, knowledge and speed communications between the divergent parts of our realm. Scheduled for completion on or around BC 950, the first phase of this project is to be called the Great Imperialis-Majestica Highway, also known in future generations as ‘The Bears Path’ after Chosen One Cave Bear.
Lack of (the) FORCE
For Obiwan and the Chosen One, the desire was to create something metaphysical, a power that would bind the Imperium together, proved overwhelming. Obiwan chose to call his plan the FORCE** With both a good side and a dark, this Force could be used for great enlightenment or great evil. The proposals (code named Anakin because of the balance they would bring through the balancing of a citizens force) by Obiwan allowed Chosen One Cavebear to generate a ground swell of support for our fledging Imperium. The desire to be part of something great resulted in the doubling of our armed Forces and brought harmony to our fracturing realm. Perhaps Obiwan has aspirations of becoming the master, instead of, when he last met, the student. What do you think Darth?
** FORCE: Focus Of Resources - Civilisation Expansion.
The Odyssey Continues.
With the peace, collective thought started to blossom and exploration began again.
As rewards for our exploration, a small village gifted us Horsemen. Sadly though, these poor peasants could not support this gift and the Imperium was required to pay for its up keep from Majestica.
Barbarians Defeated (again)
In an effort to provide meaning to their pitiful existence, Barbarians rose up and tried to defile the cities of Imperialis, Majestica and Dominion. This pestilence was smited and some of our units rewarded with the banner of Veteran.
First Contact is Achieved.
In the year BC1450 rumours reached the Capital that another civilisation had chosen to make its mark on the world by erecting a grand structure. Called a Pyramid, it was rumoured to be able to store grain in huge quantities and thereby enable rapid expansion of cities and populations. These Romans will bear watching in future.
Due to bad performance revues, and the expansion of the Imperium defence FORCE, the entertainers (with the aforementioned gyrating hips) that were hired by the previous Chosen One were made redundant and put to work. In one notable instance, a particular disgraceful performer in Dominion was sentenced to life with hard labour and was put to work polishing the teeth of walrus.***
***As an interesting aside, this particular entertainer, whilst engaged in his penance, was disabled in a freak accident involving a wetsuit, a toothbrush and a particularly amorous woolly mammoth. The stampeding mammoth, attracted by the wet-suited former performer, caused an avalanche. The avalanche resulted in the said so-called entertainer being carbon frozen. Thousands of years later, when found by scientists and thawed out, he used his new found frozen fame to purchase a pair of blue suede shoes and embarked on a come back career. At the height of this comeback, the entertainer overdosed on Burgers of Ham and Bars made from Mars and was found enthroned in an ensuite. However, even to this very day, rumours persist that he can still be seen buying sweets and the like at the local 7-11, (just not in the frozen goods section) ahuh.
It’s All Greek to Me
During the course of our explorations, and with the intelligence previously provided by Supreme Military Commander, Tribune Hydey, contact is made with a soldier with armed with a mass of facial hair.**** When engaged in initial negotiations we decided to swap technologies before proceeding to assimilate. Using this tactic we gained Ceremonial Burial, which was offered in exchange for Iron Working.
****Apparently, due a quirk in the space time continium, in the dimension that the Imperium is located, men of certain ethnic persuasion often had large amounts of facial hair. When asked why, our wise men discerned it was so they could look like their mothers.
I am not an Animal, I’m a Human Being
With the discovery of Ceremonial Burial (all give thanks to the keeper of the Sacred Chamber Pot), our wise men conferred, despite the desires of Chief Wise Man Atawa and the existential will of Chosen One Cavebear, and determined that it was not an auspicious moment to begin the development of an advanced form of hereditary leadership. Instead, on reading the bones, the wise men chose to offer various other centres of learning. It is as if we are cursed, we wish to enlighten, yet cannot offer enlightened leadership. Out of the choices offered by the wise, when consulting the recorded will of the people, Cavebear elected to harness the energy of the Pachyderm to bring the battle to our enemies. This development will be called Polytheism, and the controllers of these beasts will be called Elephant Men.
I think I’m Turning Japanese (I really think so…)
In BC 1300, we finally make contact with the second known centre of pestilence infecting our noble lands. The Japanese. In order to generate goodwill prior to erasing them from recorded history, we offer to share knowledge. In return for the offer of map making, for which we have yet to find a use, we receive the ability to record our history and learning in script. The ability to write will serve the needs of our future generations.
Amercanski
The most northern of our exploring units, a horseman from Majestica reached the northern boundaries of our chaotic world. In dispatches back to the capital, this horseman reported that stories from passing strangers indicated that they were in the vicinity of a city called Boston, founded by a civilisation called the Americans. As a reward for this information, SMC Hydey the Hedon sent our noble officer a years subscription to that notable subscription, Amazons R Us.
Cabinet and Peoples Convention
During the second conclave in the reign of Chosen One Cavebear, numerous issues were brought to the fore. A Peoples Convention was convened. Of particular concern was the lack of learning amongst our citizens. Whilst vassal cities were more than content to give us knowledge, even with the development of writing, our own wise men had trouble recording this acquired knowledge and little time to indulge in their own research. Chief Wiseman Atawa of noble order of Long Beards proposed a radical solution: If the pestilence that is these Vassal states persist in giving away their technology, why don’t we just record it and not waste resources trying to research things that will take generations to discover. To this end, our macro governing parameters were altered to enable maximum production of fiscal resources. (to wit, we now had the ability to print more money)
Additionally, the Peoples Convention, conveniently located in a place called The Rock, authorised Chosen One Cavebear to find, make peace and acquire technology from the heathens prior to their absorbsion into the Imperium.
With these discussions concluded, the Imperium marched ever forward.
Saga of the year to BC950: A Period of Frustrated Wondering
Deep in the bowels……. ………… of the imperial Palace, Chosen One Cavebear paced frantically. Here he was, beneficent overlord, ready to throw a war to celebrate his enlightened rule, but no wanted to come to the party (I mean blood letting). A scream of frustration erupted. The choice was simple, explore or hibernate? To bring the battle to the enemy, the only viable choice was to explore, vigorously.
These exploratory units in turn provided a plethora of military support and gold, thus enabling SMC Hydey to begin to plan for the elimination of the Japanese infestation to our west. Barbarians still emerged and harassed our cities. One particularly heinous horde horrifically hounded and harassed a honourable holidaymaker (explorer), destroying the mission to the last man.
The Great Betrayal
In what future generations are calling the Great betrayal, our beneficent advances to the heathen Greeks and Japanese were rebuffed. It is apparent that the wise and judicious rule of the Imperium is being abused. Perhaps the time had come to remove the velvet glove to reveal the mailed fist beneath. If these so called civilisations refuse to give us money, loyalty or science, they will be eliminated.
After numerous advances to encourage the heathen Japanese to swap knowledge for our mutual enlightenment, they refused and, in accordance with the cultural norms of our new world, placed two large brass spherical objects on the table^^. The threat was unmistakable, war had been declared.
^^ This first recoded use of two big brass balls has coined numerous phrases that are usually exchanged in vigorous diplomatic negotiations. For example:
Saying: “I see your balls are as big as mine.”
Meaning: The size of your threat is not that impressive
Saying: “He has a nice set of balls”
Meaning: His equipment and its threatened uses are inspiring
Saying: “Put your balls on the table!!”
Meaning: I dare you to do what you say
Saying: “If you want to use your balls you have to be prepared to have them cut off?”
Meaning: “I do not believe you have the courage to do what you say!!!”
During this intervening period, while the Japanese were admirable and were willing to put balls on the table to show their intentions, the other heathen with whom we have contact with were not so honourable. The pestilent Greeks cowardly shadowed and then ambushed an exploring archer, killing it. The path is now clear, the road to unification will be paved with the blood of unbelievers.
Unfortunately, for the so called Greek civilisation, the one martyred death of the archer resulted in a ground swell of support from neighbouring unaffiliated tribes, which gifted us with the ability to produce money (Currency), the ability to read (literacy) what we have written down and Construction, or the ability to provide fortifications for our citizenry or armies. At other times were gifted units and at other times monies to fund our future war effort.
The World Filters Inn.
Recorded intelligence from one of our far-flung exploratory units, overheard in a pub, stated that the plague-ridden Americans were embarking on a massive gardening exercise. This garden, suspected to be used to hang this regime’s dissenters will be constructed out of clay and will be known as the Hanging Garden.
The provider of Brass Balls, the Japanese, showed how audacious they are by placing a group of settlers near our city of Enron, daring us to attack them. The frustration was mounting, with what could we attack them with? At this same time one of our exploring units discovered the first Japanese city of Kyoto. A plan was put in motion to consolidate our armies and return the Brass Balls of the Japanese over the flaming Pyre of their dead military.
Before proceding in the assimilation of the Japanese, the Chosen One called a convention to discuss the future and to write our names in the blood of our defeated enemies.
Last edited by atomant on 10-06-2003 at 17:29
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30-05-2003 04:14
Great stuff!
B
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