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The Mad Monk
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of Ice Cream
Mar 2000
time: 23:29
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quote:
Originally posted by Odin
When the UK was formed the King (James) was SCOTTISH.  the scotts took over England, not the other way around.  |
This Lazurus And The Gimp reprint seems appropriate, somehow...
quote:
Historical filth- The worst job in history.
There have been some really foul jobs that have cropped up throughout history- notable examples being a nurse in plague-stricken London, or a Chinese Court Eunuch (as detailed in "Historical Filth- Eunuchs with balls"). To settle all disputes as to what was the worst job in history, the Historical Filth team have dusted off their journals and set to work. After exhaustive research they are now prepared to publish their conclusion, and their conclusion is that the Official Worst Job in History is...
King/Queen of Scotland.
Before any Hibernian readers start dusting off their Claymores I'll reassure them that I can prove it. Between Kenneth MacAlpin (reigned 843- 858AD) and James VI (reigned 1567- 1625) Scotland had 43 monarchs. These monarchs of Scotland faced three major foes, these being...
1- The Vikings
2- The English
3- Other Scots.
The hard statistics paint a damning picture. Of Scotland's 43 monarchs just about nothing is known of 6 (other than the fact that their reigns were ominously short). Of the remaining 37, 12 were killed in battle, 4 were murdered, 2 were executed, 4 spent long periods of their lives (and reigns) in imprisonment varying from "almost-comfort" to "hellish cesspit". So, of those 37 we know about nearly 60% had first-hand experience of the shitty end of life's stick.
It gets worse. Of the remaining 15, 2 were brutally deposed after crushing and humilating defeats and were forced into exile. While "exile" for 20th/21st century royal types means a lifetime of interbreeding at the Ritz or Val D'Isere, we can safely assume it was a less appetising prospect 800 years ago.
So far, 13 monarchs appear to have deftly side-stepped the massive grudge fate holds against Scottish rulers. That's not to say they got off lightly, however. Of those 13, 3 had tragically short lives and died before the age of 32 (One of them, Margaret "Maid of Norway" was just 8 years old when she died on the journey to Scotland to get married).
Right- we're down to 10 who appear to be lucky. Or were they? Of those 10, the following had less than joyful lives...
Constantine II (reigned 900- 943AD) Scotland's 8th king and one of the most successful. He may have been the first Scottish king to meet his maker without first being hacked into several twitching lumps of flesh, bone and gristle. Undeniably a man of power and a great leader, his only great misfortune was that his reign coincided with that of King Athelstan, arguably England's greatest ruler. At the battle of Brunnanburh in 937, Athelstan kicked 7 shades of crap out of the combined forces of Scotland, Ireland and Iceland Danes, and Scotland never again posed a serious threat to England's existance. The disillusion Constantine saw his country forced into humiliating decline and he relinquished the throne in 944 to become a monk.
Alexander III (reigned 1249- 1286). Last of the Canmore dynasty, the "Golden Age" of Scottish Kings (Oh, the irony....). Became King at the age of 8, had notable military successes against the Norse and reconquered the Hebrides. However he saw all his children die before him, and had a singularly crap death at 45 when he accidentally rode his horse off a cliff. A death both poignant and embarrassing...
Robert the Bruce (reigned 1306- 1329). Justly famed for defeating the English at Bannockburn and freeing Scotland from English rule. Unfortunately this was not before almost his entire family was killed by the English. His reign after Bannockburn was ruined by poor health, and he died of leprosy at the age of 55. His heart is buried in Melrose Abbey, while the rest of his bits presumably rest wherever they happened to rot off.
Robert II Stuart (reigned 1371- 1390). Actually Robert had a better life than most Scottish Kings, but his reign has been described as "an anti-climax to his career". To describe being King as anti-climactic gives some degree of understanding as to why Robert II is considered one of the most boring and ineffectual kings of all time. In fact his son Robert III took over control of Scotland 4 years before Robert II died.
Robert III (reigned 1390- 1406). Was left crippled and bedridden from a horse's kick in 1388 and never had any real power. His eldest son, the Duke of Rothesay was a murderous pervert who died in imprisonment in 1402. Just before Robert died, he sent his son and heir (James I) to France to avoid assassins. Unfortunately James was kidnapped by English sailors on the way and Robert never saw him again.
James V (reigned 1513- 1542). Became King aged 17 months, he is described as a "cruel man" (and that's by the standards of 16th century royalty who were, nearly to a man, murderous butchers). He kicked off a reign of terror in Scotland, but made the classic mistake that many other Scottish Kings made- he attempted to invade England. His army was routed by Henry VIII's forces at Solway Moss, and James promptly went insane, and died shortly after at the age of 30.
That leaves just 4 Scottish rulers who appear to have had "normal lives". In other words, if you were unfortunate enough to be crowned king of Scotland you probably had a 90% likelihood of leading a crap life of disease and misery. The typical Scottish king was crowned in infancy, married in infancy to someone they had never met (let alone snogged), lead at least one horribly ill-advised invasion of England and uttered their last word "Uuurrrgh...." lying face-down in their own intestines. If there is a God, he really, really hated Scottish kings.
To round off in the grand tradition of "Historical filth", who was the unluckiest Scottish ruler of them all? That honour goes to Mary "Queen of Scots" Stuart.
Mary became Queen at just 6 days old. At the age of 5 she was packed off to France and the court of the French king Henry II. She became a tremendous beauty and married the heir to the French throne Francis at the comparatively late age of 16. At this point, it all started to go wrong. She was a widow at 18. On her return to Scotland, the Catholic Mary was an object of suspicion to the Protestant Scottish powers, viewed as a dangerous foreigner. Her second marriage at the age of 23 to her cousin Henry Stewart was a disaster- he was vicious, power-hungry scumbag who murdered her closest confidant in front of her very eyes. Henry Stewart was murdered in 1567 (his death was believed to have been arranged by Mary).
Afterf Stewart's murder, Mary was abducted and raped by the Earl of Bothwell, who married her shortly after. How much say Mary had in this matter is unclear, but within 3 months they were parted and Mary deposed. She spent the last 18 years of her life imprisoned by Elizabeth I of England and was beheaded at the age of 45.
A crap life, all in all. Mary was the last monarch of a distinct Scotland. To sum up, there are a few lessons to be learned from Scotland's history. Foremost of these is the fact that the worst misfortune that can befall any nation is to be situated next to England.
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mrmitchell
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quote:
I'd like to see you all try to burn Washington D.C. this time. not gonna happen. |
Sadly mistaken there Diss--it'd be much easier this time than last.
Last time, the British had to send huge armies over, win part of a war, and personally set fire to most of the buildings.
This time they just have to push the button.
(They have about 20 nukes IIRC.)
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Cruddy
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quote:
Originally posted by KrazyHorse
We were enroute to a successful and entertaining threadjack, MtG.
Nobody had yet answered him seriously because nobody felt the subject worthy of a serious reply, for good reason.
Anyway, for Emperor Fab the point is that the Brits have no extraterritorial claim to their citizens. Especially not when they were captured in battle against the US, and most especially not when numbers of prisoners were handed over by the Brits to the US to face the exact same treatment. |
Just like to add - any Brits outside of UK borders are not subject to UK law, and must face the consequences of their actions according to local conditions. If they're caught in a war zone with a gun, well, what did they need the gun for?
Brits abroad have no excuse to behave the way they do, and to be honest I have no problem with them being locked up, tried, and if convicted, punished.
MtG, I doubt many in camp X-ray will get the death penalty - their cause will thrive off martyrs.
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Saras
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Vilnius, Lithuania
Apr 1999
time: 06:29
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quote:
Originally posted by elijah
Do we (the British) have the constitutional power to revoke the US declaration of independence? |
Some think you do  .
Old, but good:
___________
NOTICE FROM THE QUEEN - REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To: The citizens of the United States of America
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should forget about miles, gallons, ounces, feet, inches and all these crappy measures you currently use. Maybe some of you noticed that normal people all over the world use metric system. You shall switch to metric system until January 1, 2001. Look up "metric system"
8. You should declare war on France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "****".
9. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
10. All US citizens should retake school and college math courses. Now the entire world knows that you cannot even sum up digits. All Florida residents should take high-school math, calculus, theory of probability and statistics, and mathematical programming. This will be an appropriate punishment for them.
11. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
12. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
________________
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Saras
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Vilnius, Lithuania
Apr 1999
time: 06:29
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quote:
Originally posted by MikeH
That is good.
There is also a really funny American response but I haven't got that.
(there are also some unfunny American responses) |
This probably counts as unfunny:
To: the subjects of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland RE: Notice of Revocation
We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum! However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world. To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:
1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the _original_ spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.
2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.
3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)
4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.
5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.
6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.
7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted ****. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach you how to cook.
8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.
9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies". Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.
p.s. - regarding WW2: You're Welcome.
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23-07-2003 09:49
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