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Thorn
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Asheville, NC
May 1999
time: 00:31
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I am very stressed, my school is not going so well for me now, and my relationship is strained. I don't even take care of my body.
There is a guy who I've had a crush on for quite some time, I talked with him, and learned that he was a born again Christian Baptist. He has a shady past, but I've learned recently that he is a member of Exodus, which is an ex-gay religious group. It has me really upset, especially since they are trying to convert other gays on my school. (There are at least 300 of us out of my school's 3000 population). I haven't had a talk with him yet about this, I happened to learn this information because he posted some religious thoughts on our GLBT Alliance forum.
He's a real nice guy. But I am enraged, I haven't felt so much hatred for religion ever I think. This makes me hate Christianity, and its prequel Judaism. I mean I really hate it. I've been recently finding that my views are becoming more in line with classic Nazis. This has me confused and upset. I thought I was over all of this crap.
For those of you that don't remember I used to be a unreligoius fascist anti-homosexual. My social views have liberalised quite a bit since then.
But I'm finding myself falling back into behavior of aggression and discontent.
I'm thinking evil things about people in masses, and these especially apply to Christians and other religious people.
I've looked through my archives for some of my fascist political party's (a relic of my high school years) stuff, and I find myself driven to dig deeper and think and think about it more and more.
I was at a WW2 mini-memorial and I had an intense urge to steal the Nazi battleflag that was displayed there on the wall. Hell afterwards I started looking up prices for what a new ones would cost.
I've been thinking about abandoning my love lifestyle, and I think I'm turning into a Nazi.
I am beginning to become consumed my hatred on levels that I haven't had for at least 3 years. I'm starting to agree with the principle of genecide.
Help me, I don't know how to stop this, I don't want this to be me, yet I feel a huge drive towards that.
I've improved so much up until now, I've basically been a liberal socialist....
Any ideas..... anyone?
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Elok
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Land of Ramen Dragons
Mar 2003
time: 00:31
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Sorry about my previous post. I reacted a little too strongly to the bits about my religion being evil because of the distorted notions of some guys I never met.
Rather than violent outward disciplines like boxing or martial arts, I would focus on arts of self-control. Displacing rage onto physical objects is often helpful, but in your case the rage shouldn't be there in the first place; you're immensely angry and you don't know why, and that's the real problem here. So you might do better to try and know yourself and cut the problem off at its source. Meditation comes to mind, for a non-religious person like yourself. Or psychoanalysis, or whatever. Until you get this crap out of your system for good, any attempts to vent it would be suppression of the symptoms rather than an actual cure.
Calm yourself somehow; tea, thorazine, deep breathing, it doesn't matter. You say you know you shouldn't be feeling this way. That's a sensible thought. Follow it through. You can think about buttons of doom all you want, but they aren't going to appear, so focus instead on what you can realistically do. I don't know you personally so I don't know what that might be. Talk to friends, like these other guys said. Priests are specifically trained to handle this kind of crisis, but obviously that won't do so I'd suggest a shrink, a teacher, your doctor, or just about anybody else who's dedicated his/her life to helping others.
Most of all, try to think about what you're thinking and why you're thinking it. There's no profit in brooding over the same idea endlessly, so stop and ask yourself why you're doing it. Don't bother with guilt or self-pity; nobody is watching your thoughts (as far as you're concerned, anyway), so you might as well concentrate on viewing your impulses as just another problem in need of a solution, as there's nobody sitting in your head to feel sorry or angry at you, other than you yourself.
Find distractions. Read up on Nazi ideology-not just loose statements, but what it really says at the core-and make your own, INFORMED decision as to whether this is something you believe in. Don't define yourself as "a liberal socialist," or whatever. There's more to you than pat political synopses, so find out what that more is. Beliefs are only useful insofar as they affect your daily life, after all.
I hope some of that helped...
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30-10-2003 04:18
...tolerant as hell...i dont know if this helps but when i am upset or mad about someone and there views i always try to think what kind of affect does it have on me directly...that they are shortsided and not-so-smart is there problem and if they try to bother me about it they are even more stupid because i dont care about them and there views. you just have to care about your self and your friends.
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