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Sikander
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Boulder, Colorado, United Snakes of America
Jan 2000
time: 22:31
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quote:
Originally posted by paiktis22
So which is better for a "wife"?
A girl with which you can connect, are in the same "wave length", she understands you and you understand her, she can piss you off at times as you her, but what happens is you can both feel/connect with eachother. She is your soul mate so to speak, you are the "same" kind, even if there are a lot of problems.
Or.
A girl who is nice, polite, stable, sincere, you know that she'd make a good "wife" for your household but with which you can't really say you connect. You'll have a "symbatic?" relationship, a compromised relationship/life. 'Cause she can't follow your emotions/thoughts/state of mind/way of thinking. But she has the other "virtues" and potentiality for being the "perfect" wife. But she can't "feel" your soul.
Forgive my english they are insufficient to explain what I mean but I hope you get the gist.
Non married people welcomed to respond too but I'm basically waiting for married people's answers, assuming you don't have ypour wife looking over your shoulder and you can respond freely. Just wondering because you've already made that choice, if you came across it. |
After a couple of decades of soul mates I finally found out the secret for success for me. Go with someone who doesn't relate to all of your sh!t because they also aren't limited by those same issues. Once I did this the long term relationship that I had been trying to put together for years (in between bouts of extreme promiscuity) just fell into my lap. I've been with her for six years now.
I found that for me the soul mate type (intensely wonderful as they were) were simply triggering responses in me that were ancient and not particularly healthy for growth, which a long term relationship must at least sustain if not nurture. At my age (42 these days) I need to move on past the disasters that make up a large part of my childhood and early adulthood, and it's hard to do that with someone who has a similar past. When I need that I have a whole list of close friends (many of whom were soul mates at one time or another) who know the drill.
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Jon Miller
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from the looks of things I will take the first girl who will have me
if you can do otherwise pick the person who you are in love with
Jon Miller
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Jon Miller
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that just seems incestual to me
but a lot of people do it
I don't want to do it
I love my mom, but I deffinitely don't want to marry anyone like her
Jon Miller
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shawnmmcc
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Having read this thread I will share with you what works, mostly, sort of, after 13 years. Relationships are often that way, and marraige is the one of the biggest (throw in God, parents, and children and I guess you've got all the big ones).
My wife and I have had some really wonderful times. We've also had some really rought times, both coming from that great American tradition, the dysfunctional family. Even better yet, they were dysfuntional in totally different, and I do mean TOTALLY, different ways. Yet we've just had a little girl, who is eight months old, who is an absolutely charming, stubborn, and social baby. God has a sense of humor. Humor may not be crucial in a marraige, but it sure helps.
Let's see, love is good. Trust is critically important. Something in common, things to share, compatability, communication, etc. I think Papa Troll has said it best in nice short lists. Here's my typically long winded look at it in a little more detail. For those like Papa Troll he doesn't need the ramble. If you are clueless, I hope this fills in some of the details.
Feelings. Connection. Number one. Otherwise, whats the point? I'm very cautious of using the word love, because so many of us have different definitions. Once on an NPR (National Public Radio for those of you not in the USA) show concerning love I called in and actually got on. I surprised the host, nicely I might add, when I said "Love is always having the other person on the edge of your thoughts." Please note edge, not centered. I believe that is obsession. Havne't they done some movies on that? 
So being in love with your potential mate is a REALLY good idea. Then there're your personal quirks and desires. DON'T minimize them. If you are a real neat freak, like one of my sisters, make sure you marry a person who is at least clean. If you are a PETA type and they are a hunter, you are both off to a bad start. Don't lie to yourself and say that you really don't mind when you do. Been there, done that. It's not fair to yourself, and it's not fair to the person who is going to go through either 1) your BS or 2) try to change because they love you. You want kids, they don't. Similar problem. Me, I cannot feel any kind of physical attraction (friend is fine) when someone is morbidly obese (call it 300 lbs - 140 kg roughtly). It's my problem, and I don't try to shove it down some other person's throat. Other than that, I really like a lady who smiles a lot. Smiles really do last forever. 
Common interests, the flip side of the quirk element, are helpful. You can build on a small area of common interests and let each of you introduce the other to the activities and things they like. If you have a total lack of common interests except sex, movies, and meals you probably shouldn't stay in the relationship, actually you probably shouldn't go on a repeat date. I did that, once, and stayed in the relationship too long. Like many more than one date. Not exactly my most brilliant moment, but I learned from it and didn't repeat it.
Good faith negotiating. This includes four traits together. It's really tough to find. It's not absolutely necessary for a marraige to work, but I get the impression the point here is to get something a little bit more than that.
Good faith negotiating starts with honesty on both sides (you must be honest with yourself, often the hardest of all - if you lie to yourself, you almost have to lie to your spouse). You cannot have good honest negotiation unless both sides are honest and upfront about why they are negotiating, and what they want out of it. Please understand what is often called negotiating in the real world is actually non-armed conflict according to some set of rules. I'm talking about what you need for a marraige to really work well.
Communication is critical! Many other posters here have commented on this. Simply put, you cannot negotiate without communicating. Period.
Next, compromise. If you don't intend to compromise, then you were not negotiating in good faith anyway. Even if you just say "We agree to disagree" (which I have done in my own marraige) it's a start. Though you need to be honest (see the first item) if you are just avoiding the problem, or is this something you can keep to. Back to the PETA/hunter example, I have met very few PETA types being able to say that to someone engaged in hunting, though there has to be the exception out there somewhere.
Last, and I've seen a bunch of relationships have problems, even come unglued over this, is follow through. DON'T negotiate and then not get around to it. You'd be better off not talking about it in the first place. It will poison trust, which is also critical. No trust, and your marraige is over. You may not know it yet, but unless you recognize the issue and deal with it quickly, you'll end up divorced. Probably in a fairly nasty and spiteful one, too. I've never been through one, but I've seen too many friends have their marriages break up over the trust issue.
An aquaintence, an almost friend I once knew, told me that you build up a reserve of credibility in relationships. If you need to spend it, and you've never built it up, or even worse, you've put yourself into a deficit, then you are in trouble. While the reserves you build up in a healthy marraige are not exactly credibility, they definitely share's traits with that and honesty, too. Don't take this analogy too far. If you end up engaged in strict accounting in who has built up what in your marriage, you are headed for trouble. In a good marriage you aren't "keeping track," and if you find yourself doing that, you need to figure out why. If you don't, the underlying problem will grow and gnaw at the foundations of your relationship.
If you try hard to listen, try hard to do you best, and sweat the little things, do the little things that you know the other person appreciates, then when the big problems hit it will give you some of that reserve. There may be a few married people reading this who have never gone through that, but I'll bet the rest of you know what I mean. This last part is more of advice for after Paiktis22 gets married, but I'll leave that to someone else to post. I suspect I've rambled enough for one post. After five graveyard shifts my mind is sort of fried. Good night.
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Bereta_Eder
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Well thank you for your input, I wasn't really looking for advices on how to comporte myself, although, all we hear, it' useful, but hardcore decisions on yes or no from people who grasp the precise "dilema" or simply question/wondering. I see Sikander is one of them and the one who disagrees with what the others who also grasped it are saying. Noted as well.
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10-11-2003 04:56
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