25-11-2003 05:47									#31
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OK, this is well known but it's my favourite:

quote: Nancy Witcher Langhorne Astor, Viscountess Astor, b.1879, first woman Member of Parliament (elected 1919, served until 1945) and wife of Waldorf Astor. She was an American, born in Greenwood, Virginia. Although a Conservative, like Churchill after 1924, she clashed often with him over Dominion Status for India and British relations with Nazi Germany and Soviet Russia. She was a strong backer of the appeasement policies of Prime Ministers Baldwin and Chamberlain. ... "Winston, if I were married to you I'd put poison in your coffee" ...."Nancy, if I were married to you I'd drink it."

	25-11-2003 05:50									#32
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yeah, that's one of my favorites. Is that one really true or is it just an urban legend?

	25-11-2003 05:55									#33
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Apparently it's true. It's from

http://www.winstonchurchill.org/i4a....cfm?pageid=435

I cut out a few bits to make it punchier.

edit: Evidently, she could hold her own though:

quote: Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what disguise she would recommend for him. She said, "Why don't you come sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"

	25-11-2003 06:37									#34
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i like this subtle dig:

i cannot praise this person too highly.

	25-11-2003 06:40									#35
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While Astor and Churchill may have done the "poison coffee" routine, the joke is a very old one with many variations.

I think the nastiest thing you could call someone now is "President Bush".

	25-11-2003 06:46									#36
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Bumper stickers are actual reality message boards.

You're so broke you can't even pay attention.

If I had to take you seriously, I wouldn't be so amused.

That man is so uptight, when he farts, only dogs can hear it.

	25-11-2003 06:49									#37
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The Churchill quote I couldn't find I remember as:

Her: "Winston, you're drunk!"
Winston: "Well, you're ugly and in the morning I'll be sober."

	25-11-2003 06:54									#38
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When you were born they tried to keep the placenta by mistake.

	25-11-2003 06:55									#39
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That reminds me of another bumper sticker:
I may be fat, but you're ugly and I can diet!

	25-11-2003 07:05									#40
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sorry, don't know any putdowns.

	25-11-2003 07:14									#41
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I've seen more brains on a butcher's apron.

	25-11-2003 07:16									#42
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Groucho Marx:

"You have the brain of a five year old child, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it."

"I'm thinking of joining a club and beating you over the head with it."

"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did. "

"Women should be obscene and not heard."

Henny Youngman:

"She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate."

"I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of. "

ACK!

	25-11-2003 07:17									#43
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"You're a good example of why some animals eat their young."

"You look like the kind of person who would be enormously improved by death"

"Have you ever gotten in touch with those biologists looking for the link between animals and mankind?"

"You know, there comes a moment in every person's life when one must honestly evaluate one's worth as a human being. I suggest you put off this moment as long as possible."

"Never hesitate to laugh at yourself; after all, everyone else already does"

"I can't tell you how glad I am to see you - because I'm not."

"Don’t feel bad. Without people like you, no one else could be above average."

But my favorite thing to call someone is still “a misspawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of some unimaginable hell.”

	25-11-2003 07:30									#44
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Try to think of something that cannot be bounced by a simple "same to you."

So far, only rah has it, which is "You are fired."

	25-11-2003 07:34									#45
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I am considerably richer than you.

	25-11-2003 07:37									#46
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"You are a convincing argument in favour of abortion"

"Please don't breed"

"I'm sorry, I seem to have seriously overestimated your competence."

"There seems to be a great deal of cranio-rectal convergence going on around here."

	25-11-2003 07:51									#47
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"You should donate your body to science fiction."

ACK!

	25-11-2003 07:55									#48
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I have, more than once, observed of my younger son's girlfriends:

quote: If tits were brains, she'd have something to be proud of.

	25-11-2003 08:10									#49
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Republican!

	25-11-2003 08:51									#50
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quote: Originally posted by Lazarus and the Gimp "You were adopted, you stinking **** ****!"

My daughters and other adoptees would fail to see the humor in that.

	25-11-2003 09:02									#51
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Yeah Laz you bastard.

	25-11-2003 09:19									#52
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Slowwhand -- just stick with your favorite one-word insult;

jackass.

	25-11-2003 11:04									#53
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quote: Originally posted by Firelad suchij potrach pedoras suka blat pashol nakhuj suka pezdarozhaja I wonder if this gets me banned.

	25-11-2003 11:21									#54
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You're so stupid, when we were in the car and I said 'pop the hood', you started shootin' at the neighbors.

You're so poor, I saw your daddy crawl inside a cardboard box and shout, "Honey, I'm home!"

	25-11-2003 11:28									#55
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From Doctor Who:

"You're a classic example of the inverse ratio between the size of the brain and the size of the mouth."

	25-11-2003 12:51									#56
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Ya know, you're the type that always remains cool, calm and collected in the middle of an emergency, but only because you're oblvious to reality.

	25-11-2003 13:32									#57
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The greatest came in an exchange between Jane Harlow and Margot Asquith.

JH- "M.A.R.G.O.T. That's a funny name. How do you say it?"

MA- "The "t" is silent. As in "Harlow"."

	25-11-2003 13:50									#58
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quote: Originally posted by Pekka Your father pissed in your mother while making you.

This is one of the funniest insults I have ever heard. I love you Pekka!!

	25-11-2003 16:00									#59
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My all time favourite is from the movie happiness

"You're ****, I'm champaigne"

Last edited by laurentius on 25-11-2003 at 16:23

	25-11-2003 16:17									#60
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"Your momma's so fat, she's got more chins than a Chinese phone directory!"

"Your momma's so fat, the Spanish tried to claim her as the New World!"

And so on...