17-01-2004 03:14									#1
	Best ways to scare the **** out of your daughter's waiting date(s) Support Apolyton

Hopefully if you're successful it will stay at singular rather than plural for quite a while, no??? So - what tips have you crazy old men to give to the up and coming parents of this Jesus Christ's third millenium? So far I vividly remember the below even from 5 years ago:

1 - Shake his hand not too tightly, but strong enough to border uncomfortable. This will have him wondering whether you're simply a sort of friendly eccentric - or planning to dose 6 gallons of kerosene and a lit match upon his timid sitting in your favorite archiebunker chair.

2 - Smile warmly and sincerely, until he does so in return. Then hold the smile at an akward length and throw in a few erratic twitches of the left eye.

3 - If it's simply a girl "friend" and she's dressed up to frequent the local rave with your young Vanessa - grab her neck hanging pacifier and firmly manhandle it like a misbehaved clitoris. This is the minimum to ensure she won't have your baby huffing roofies to unconsciousness before raping her in a Godless lesbian orgy on a skanky warehouse floor.

4 - Your collection of records is a good way to break the ice - kids these days do know who the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, or even Ziggy Stardust (were). After which - Your collection of .50 calibre softhead bullets and "School of the Americas" themed Desert Eagle silencers, is the logical progression.

5 - The word "testicle" can never be used too often in conjunction with "axe", "crushed", "tribal stew" or "bunny muffin".

Additions? I might send this out as a "FORWARD 2 UR 8 BEST FREENDS IN MALAYSIA PROPER FOR GOOD LUCK AND BONZAI KITTEN" mass e-mail with your names accompanying the contributions!

Last edited by Zylka on 17-01-2004 at 03:26

	17-01-2004 03:38									#2
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greet them sitting on your favorite chair in your underwear

with a shotgun haning over the fireplace

jon Miller

	17-01-2004 03:53									#3
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My wife keep saying I will spray the poor guy with paintball rounds while asking him to leave my girl alone.

	17-01-2004 03:59									#4
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Shake his hand and tell him:

a) "When she grows up shes going to look just like her mum." (have an ugly wife)
b) "Can you teacher that kissing with the tongue thing, she ain't to good at that."
c) "That's a tough grip you have there spunky, are you left handed?"
d) "I thought lezbians could get so butch."
e) "Don't worry, we got her the special shampoo."

	17-01-2004 04:00									#5
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As per usual, the best way to unnerve people is brought to us by Skippy.

Simply follow everything you say with the phrase "as according to the prophecy."

	17-01-2004 04:03									#6
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That is so true, "as according to the prophecy."

	17-01-2004 04:10									#7
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sodomize them w/ a hunting knife

	17-01-2004 04:23									#9
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from experience i can say i never had this problem with girls' parents. See, i was that type of boy that the parents loved (because of my well-mannered innocence, i guess) and so tried to fix me up with their daughters but the daughters hated me because i was so ugly. like steve urkel, but the parents liked me and im white

	17-01-2004 08:18									#10
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Pack, yes, pack, the entry hallway with Jesus stuff. To scary extremes.

Hand him a fist full of Jack Chick tracts.

Say, "We're all Christian here, what about you?"

	17-01-2004 08:19									#11
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quote: Originally posted by Lonestar Pack, yes, pack, the entry hallway with Jesus stuff. To scary extremes. Hand him a fist full of Jack Chick tracts. Say, "We're all Christian here, what about you?"

	17-01-2004 08:35									#12
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The movie "Bad Boy II" when they open the door to meet his daughter date. I remember one line for sure. "There will be NO ****ING TONIGHT.

	17-01-2004 08:40									#13
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It might also be fun just to go out of town for the weekend with the wife.....and staple Giant Posters o Jesus above every concievable make-out place in the House.

Afterwords, when your Daughter Asks why you put one over her tiny Single Bed, you say "Because your Mom and I did it there when you were at camp".

	17-01-2004 10:22									#14
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quote: This is the minimum to ensure she won't have your baby huffing roofies to unconsciousness before raping her in a Godless lesbian orgy on skanky

Doesn't sound so bad to me.

	17-01-2004 10:52									#15
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Very simple. "Where are the three of us going tonight?"

	17-01-2004 12:32									#16
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When your daughter introduces her beau, in the words of the song,

'walk right up, and give him a great big kiss, mwah!'

preferably tongues.

A sure icebreaker at parties too.

	17-01-2004 12:45									#17
	Re: Best ways to scare the **** out of your daughter's waiting date(s) Avatar Enlargement: We've got the solution

quote: Originally posted by Zylka 3 - If it's simply a girl "friend" and she's dressed up to frequent the local rave with your young Vanessa - grab her neck hanging pacifier and firmly manhandle it like a misbehaved clitoris. This is the minimum to ensure she won't have your baby huffing roofies to unconsciousness before raping her in a Godless lesbian orgy on a skanky warehouse floor.

Wow. I never knew raves could get so, um, personal.

	17-01-2004 15:35									#18
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one girl's stepfather only glanced up for a second from his newspaper. the moment of eye contact was frightening. in it... oh damn... what was that machine in the hitchiker's guide that showed you in relation to the universe? it was like that. only i didn't come out like zaphod did.

	17-01-2004 21:11									#19
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Invite her 3 larger, scarier brothers over to greet him at the door.

	17-01-2004 21:14									#20
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You people are scary and an impediment to my sex life

	17-01-2004 21:17									#21
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It was in the restaurant at the end of the universe, as I recall.

Anyway, my brother already has an impressive collection of oriental and western weapons-two sais, a nunchaku, lots of knives, a sword, and one of those double-bladed swords. My niece is only two and a half now, but when the time comes for her to start dating he's going to hang them all up in the front hall, right across from the door. I'm thinking I should get him a kukri to round it out. I love my niece.

	17-01-2004 22:46									#22
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my uncle did that to one of his daughters "gentlemen callers". he went to shake his hand, and he got a "dead fish" from the boy, so he squeezes as hard as he can and says "SHAKE LIKE A MAN, *****!"

god bless uncle timmy.

	17-01-2004 22:50									#23
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quote: Originally posted by Theben Invite her 3 larger, scarier brothers over to greet him at the door.

That was fun, wasn't it.

	19-01-2004 12:21									#24
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quote: Originally posted by Uber KruX "SHAKE LIKE A MAN, *****!"

that method's been tried on me. thankfully, i've got a firm handshake.

	19-01-2004 12:29									#25
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quote: Originally posted by Whaleboy You people are scary and an impediment to my sex life

That's the whole point