09-05-2004 19:22									#1
	The Failure I offer my Mother: A Mothers Day Poem Increase the size of your Attachments

Yesterday it occured to me that I had nothing to offer my mother on mother's day. It also occured to me that I had very little money. I wrote my mother a poem and in light of the present holiday I will share that Poem with you. This is not a contest bid, this is a poem dedicated to my mother.


The Failure I offer my Mother


One would expect that from mother devoted
Would come a child, with virtue quite loaded;
And expectations cannot be hoped to be met
For the child of one more devoted yet.
Sadly, such a child am I,
And though again and again I may try;
The virtues I cannot hope to achieve
That would proper tribute to my mother leave.

What is there to give a woman so dedicated
To properly repay all the time she has traded
To have a son who ought to do better
Than I ever could, in act or in letter.
I am now humbled, and daunted by task
Of thanking a mother, who is all I could ask.
I am not equal to do such a thing
That would proper awe to my mother bring.

This is my poem, and my greatest failure,
My inability to properly thank her.
I simply cannot, in deed or in gift
Offer to her anything equal to what she has left
To me, and worked hard to provide.
No son could imagine to have such a pride
As he who may, in future extreme
Properly enshrine a mother, such as mine has been.

The words have yet to be imagined,
That could find such devotion upon them hanged.
In hopes of description of her utter greatness
I can offer nothing that might properly paint this
Only my failure, my failure extreme
To describe such a one as my Mother has been.

	09-05-2004 22:39									#2
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Very nice, SKI.

I'm thinking you mother gave you a big hug after you read that poem to her? The tone is quite humble and apologetic. That could bring a tear to one's eye.

Though I thought this line was a little... comic?

quote: Would come a child, with virtue quite loaded

Just strikes me as funny for some reason, and makes me smile.

I think you did particularly well in the second... block? What's it properly called? This bit:

quote: What is there to give a woman so dedicated / ... / That would proper awe to my mother bring.

The third block is also nice, though I should say that the sentence in the middle sort of breaks up the flow. The reason is because the sentence ends in the middle of the breath as you read it. The way you chose to rhyme the poem, the blocks are essentially broken up into bits two lines long each, like so:

quote: This is my poem, and my greatest failure, My inability to properly thank her. I simply cannot, in deed or in gift Offer to her anything equal to what she has left To me, and worked hard to provide. No son could imagine to have such a pride As he who may, in future extreme Properly enshrine a mother, such as mine has been.

You did this really well in the second block, because each sentence was an even number of lines long, and hence flowed nicely. In this quoted block, however, you can see how the second sentence is one line too long and flows over into the third bit, thereby breaking up the rhythm you established in the previous block.

On the other hand, I could never write anything nearly as poetic and nice as this, so take my criticism for what it's worth. Good job this.

	09-05-2004 23:48									#3
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Actually your criticism is well taken, I noticed a couple of those faults myself (particularly the breaking of the rhythm by the second and third bits, that irritated me a lot but, as I said, I did this last night and I have yet to find a good solid way to replace it)

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The first line is a little comic, it's the word 'loaded' it comes completely unexpectedly and it doesn't really fit, froma technical perspective, except it does work quite well and almost brings out and emphasises the humble tone that is established later.

Yeah, I did. Yeah, the poem did bring a tear to her (Prussian) eye.

I think the word you're looking for is stanza, but I'm not honestly sure.

	10-05-2004 23:24									#4
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how very interesting

	11-05-2004 04:03									#5
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Nice Poem

Did you get a raise in your pocket money too

	11-05-2004 06:47									#6
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Unfortunately no, but I might have been able to use it.