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kermit_the_frog
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Norway, Haugesund
Jun 2003
time: 06:36
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This will be my first story in this story section, i will be thankfull for any comments i get.
One day a little native tribe called the Americans promote a new leader and his name is Licoln. The americans live besides a nice river and on some nice grasslands.
 Attachment: the americans chapter 1.jpg
This has been downloaded 61 time(s).
Last edited by kermit_the_frog on 16-05-2004 at 11:01
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kermit_the_frog
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Norway, Haugesund
Jun 2003
time: 06:36
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he new tribe quickly starts to scout the area, they find mountains north east of there new village and since they have water area they also start to grow some crops. They have also learned that there is enemie tribes around so they start building worrier to defend themselfs
Attachment: the americans chapter 3.jpg
This has been downloaded 69 time(s).
Last edited by kermit_the_frog on 16-05-2004 at 10:59
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kermit_the_frog
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Norway, Haugesund
Jun 2003
time: 06:36
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Barbarians started to settle around the new nation.
Attachment: the americans chapter 9.jpg
This has been downloaded 34 time(s).
Last edited by kermit_the_frog on 18-05-2004 at 23:09
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vovan
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Well, here's a little more feedback. 
You started out well - each image was accompanied by a few sentences that sort of dramatized and gave a certain character to the pictures. In the last few installments, however, you have decreased the amount of description and resorted to simply labelling the images. Take the last post, for instance. You say: "But america Fought back" Well... I can see that from the image.  I can see your warrior conquer the barbarian village, and hence I know you fought back. The description pretty much points out the obvious and doesn't add anything to the story. It is as good as posting the replay of a game.
By contrast, compare that to some of your earlier posts. Take this bit for instance: "Should i send the Settler up North east to the mountains or Nort west to unexsplored territory." It shows that you are facing a challenege, that you must make a decision. That adds character to the story, because it embodies a sort of a conflict - between you and the AI. That character is simply gone when you resort to simply labelling images, as above, and your story degenerates into a game replay. I think it would be best to continue with the original approach you took - it certainly is more fun to read that.
Of course, all this criticism is not intended to deter you from writing further - instead to improve your writing. It is given in good spirit, and hopefully be taken as such. Hope you continue this. 
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16-05-2004 01:06
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