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Metaliturtle
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University of Wisconsin Stevens Point
Mar 2002
time: 23:36
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There's something freeing about summer vacation... especially after a year of a college education. Returning to my usual activities for when I'm bored, I have come back to the Civ 3 forums to see if anyone else is around, and I offer the following to the critics who I ask pick apart in a constructive matter. High fives for all and spiff dibbles, here is: Victorious Return!
Well, I'm sticking to some of my favorite characters from within Civ 3 and other things too. This story is a what if scenario, namely, what if the Chinese had used gunpowder for guns instead of fireworks, and Alexander the Great's conquest had stretched further east so that these two civilizations in their "golden age" may have met.
1200 AD
The Frontier War was in full swing. Alexander's great army was carving a great Empire directly into China's heart. The Chinese council of three, a group of warlords that banded together to stop the foreign threat, was meeting to discuss the implementation of a new means of creating fire:
"My gracious and exalted lords. I am your humble servant Zhuge Liang. I have completed the project which you have assigned to me, surpassing every expectation you set before me, and bettering every promise I made for you."
Cao Cao, the head councilman, was skeptical of this "strategist" from Shu.
"How will this be an effective weapon? Your demonstration seemed nothing more than smoke and loud noise!"
"Well sir, perhaps you would like to see what it can do to a human being, if it is not effective, then surely a great man such as yourself would be brave enough to submit your body to a simple test."
Cao Cao knew Zhuge's reputation, and as such decided to bring in melons to test the new weapon on first.
In moments, one of Cao Cao's advisors, Jia Xu, had set up an array of melons on pikes in the main chamber.
"Xiahou Dun! Show this 'strategist' what a warrior can do!"
Xiahou Dun charged the first melon and obliterated it in one stroke from his sword.
"Warriors hate melon!!!!!!!!!!!" Xiahou Dun roared before returning to his post along the chamber wall.
"Impressive!" chided Zhuge, "watch this."
Zhuge Liang moved with the utmost grace and ceremony, the Council would think this weapon cowardly if he acted any other way. He set the firearm up and aimed it in a line through the melons.
BLAAAAH BLAMMMMMMMMMMMMM!! The chamber was filled with smoke and the council watched in awe as the remaining melons seemed to explode into bits.
"Was this demonstration satisfactory sires?"
Before Cao Cao could speak, Liu Bei, ruler of Shu, stood up. "Excellent demonstration master Zhuge, please return to Shu and comission artisans to produce enough of these weapons to rearm half of our archer corps."
"Yes sire!" and with that Zhuge rushed out the doorway knowing full well that Cao Cao felt anger at being made a fool of by Zhuge.
Meanwhile, somewheres east of the Himalayas...
"This indiginous buffalo makes me wanna Yak!!!!!!!!!"
Great words from a great leader, Lord Alexander was suffering from a lack of spice.
" I thought our spices came from the Orient! If things were to get any more oriental around here I would become Tibetan!"
"Sire, in all respect, we just traversed the largest mountains any one of us has ever seen."
"Not true! I've seen bigger!"
"Well then, except for my glorious sire, they were the largest any have ever seen."
"That's better, now this indiginous food isn't good, could I sample the indiginous women now?"
"You could sire, if there were any.. all we've found so far are monks who worship llamas"
"Cool! A petting zoo! I bet we find all kinds of chicks there!"
Alexander's advisor sometimes felt more like Alexander's mommy than a trusted advisor.
"Sire we need to prepare to take this next city, if we are successful I promise you there will be local... ahem "flavors" to sample."
"Do it then!"
Oooh more until I get a job!
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Metaliturtle
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University of Wisconsin Stevens Point
Mar 2002
time: 23:36
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Everyone in the Greek camp was getting tired of Lord Alexander's shenanigans. (that's right I got shenanigans in here hehe) Shenanigans that seemed odd, rude, bizarre, and in nearly all cases, embarassing to the Greek forces.
Rippopoopolytus, a Captain in the Greek army was at his wit's end. He ordered his most feminine soldier, Bigfagyus, to impersonate a woman outside Alexander's tent, hoping to lure the illustrious and crude leader outside.
Bigfagyus gave his best performance ever, unfortunately it was outside the wrong tent. The next morning as the fog lifted, Steve the stand-in lay dead and Bigfagyus was nowhere to be seen. Rippopoopolytus was worried that there would be an investigation, so he fled to the enemy lines begging for asylum.
Jiao Vong was there to meet Rippopoopolytus with a band of 100 new marksmen. Rippopoopolytus allowed himself to be taken by Jiao Vong, and was made privy to the knowledge of the powerful new weapons.
Meanwhile, Alexander was tiring of the local 'flavor'.
"This place is boring! All the women are hairy and nonhuman, we need to keep advancing!"
His advisor let out a big I-hate-my-job sigh and began telling Alexander the news of the front.
"Sire, firstly, we've had some desertion and death within the camp. Rippopoopolytus is missing, as is Bigfagyus. Steve the stand-in was assassinated with his pants down, and nobody knows what the new chinese weapon is, but it is killing our troops faster than that syphilis outbreak in turkey."
"Daaaaaaaaaaayum!"
"Daaaaaaaaaaayum is right sire, we need to focus now more than ever."
Alexander was still a military genius even if his actions didn't always show it, he had a plan.
"Get the Greek Fire!"
"Greek fire sir?"
"You mean we left the Greek Fire in Greece?"
"No, I just think that's a little cruel sir. Burning all those animals li-"
"It's not for the animals you idiot! Put it in pots and launch it from the catapults! We'll destroy them from the inside since we cannont attack from the outside."
"Why sire! That's brilliant!"
"Yeah, I was due for some brilliantness sooner or later."
"That you were sire, that you were."
Rippopoopolytus was now being questioned by his Chinese captors, they were wondering what would cause a man of such high rank to abandon his army.
Jiao Vong began the questioning
"Who are you?"
"Rippopoopolytus the Greek, descendant of Heracles and other such dudes!"
"Rip a poop poly tus? What does that mean?"
"My grandaddy died of the dysentery"
"My condolences, so tell me dysentery man, why did you leave your army?"
"I tried to kill Alexander, but just killed his stand-in, Steve."
"Y'all got a stand-in named Steve too?"
"Hecks yeahs, who don'ts be havin' a stand-in named Steve."
"w0rd yo, so why we be speakin' ebonics?"
"The dude who be writin' this be crazy fo sho."
Metaliturtle chimed in, "I'm not crazy, I just think a greek guy and a chinese guy speaking ebonics at each other is funny."
"I'm down" They both replied in unison.
Jiao Vong continued. "I can't make a decision on what to do with you, that responsibility is for the council of three, so guess who you get to meet."
Rippopoopolytus was excited, "Do I get to meet Elvis?"
"No you fool! You get to meet three men much greater than Elvis!"
"Greater than Elvis? He was the king! Nobody is greater than Elvis!"
"Dude, You shouldn't even know who Elvis is!"
"Ok fine, I'll go meet the three stooges."
"Council of Three!!!!"
"No thanks I peed before I left."
"Let's just go."
So Rippopoopolytus and Jiao Vong headed to the capital at Luo Yang to meet the council of three, we'll see how it went in the next chapter.
((What do you guys think?))
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Metaliturtle
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University of Wisconsin Stevens Point
Mar 2002
time: 23:36
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Rippopoopolytus stood before the scrutinizing glares of the ambitious Cao Cao, the calm Sun Quan, and the virtuous Liu Bei.
"So this is what a Grecian looks like!"
"He's really hairy don't you think?"
"Indeed, let's get information from him by plucking individual hair by individual hair!"
"Sweet!"
Rippopoopolytus was concerned, the word "sweet" sounds rather devilish in Chinese and it wasn't what he wanted to hear.
Jiao Vong spoke up on Rippopoopolytus' behalf.
"Sires, this man has joined us! He has information about the Grecian's new weapons."
"NEW WEAPONS!?" They stammered
"Yes sires, powerful ones."
Cao Cao became intrigued, "will they beat master Zhuge's weapons?"
"Perhaps sire."
Cao Cao was silently pleased at this, this Grecian war was just getting in the way of his plans to rule all of China by himself.
"Well, we must use caution, ask the prisoner how the new Greek weapons work."
Jiao Vong asked Rippopoopolytus, who was very quiet in his response.
"It is fire that can't be doused."
"Sires he says that the weapon is fire that cannot be doused."
"That's impossible! This means that such fire would burn on water!"
"Indeed it does."
"The prisoner is lying! Send him to the tiger pit!" Oh how did Cao Cao love his tiger pit...
In the meantime the Greeks had their catapults loaded and were moving them in range of the Chinese fort city at Cheng Du.
"Three! Two! One! FIRE!!!!!"
THWUNK THWUNK THWUNK THWUNK THWUNK The catapults went off one after the other and the men watched as their fireballs hurtled through the night sky.
The expected sound of stone on stone was unheard by the chinese on the wall, just the sound of broken pottery behind them. They were not alarmed, with the new weapons Zhuge Liang had provided, the Greek archers could not touch them.
The Greeks kept letting the fireballs fly, finally one landed atop the wall, setting ten men on fire.
"Put me out put me out!" They shrieked.
As the other men left post to find water, the Greeks stealthfully advanced under cover of nightfall and confusion.
The catapults repositioned and began firing on the large wooden gates. The castle looked about ready to crumble. Those manning the wall were succeeding only in setting each other on fire, and the army in the city was in shambles trying to throw blankets over the growing flames.
Then a shriek that sounded directly from the bowels of hades seemed to come up behind the right flank of the Greeks. It was the five tigers, each as strong as 1000 men, some much stronger. The Greeks began to fight the hardest battle they've ever seen.
It will be told in detail next time.
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PresidentMarcos
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Umm...actually, Alexander wasn't that manly. Let's just say it had something to do with Hephastion.
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Metaliturtle
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University of Wisconsin Stevens Point
Mar 2002
time: 23:36
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"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!" Zhang Fei's warcry caused the very earth to shake behind the Greek catapults. He began slashing with his mighty Viper spear, each slash leaving two to five Grecians deceased on the field.
"Kill the catapulters!" Guan Yu's orders whipped the tigers into a highly effective and efficient killing frenzy. Zhang Fei's already high kill counts were quickly doubling over themselves. Huang Zhong was doing equally well from a distance with his powerful bow, he was too old to learn Zhuge's newfangled contraptions. Ma Chao and Zhao Yun joined Zhang Fei and Guan Yu in some more personal fighting.
The unarmed Greek catapulters were defenseless and soon the malicious fire had quit raining upon Cheng Du.
The tigers next turned their attention to the Greek archer corps, as they were most annoying of all the Greek soldiers.
"China!.... Is!.... Independent!" Guan Yu yelled between strokes. His horse trampling as many men as his blade could silence.
The Greeks were being decimated, and even though their fire was doing a number on Cheng Du, there were no Greek soldiers willing to face any of the tigers.
----------
News of the retreat made it's way back to Cao Cao before the rest of the council had heard. He called for his advisor Sima Yi to see how he could best use this to his advantage.
"Sima Yi, how am I to unify China under my glorious banner when these bumpkin rogues have strength and the people on their side?"
"Sire, it seems to me the way to unify China is to eliminate your problem."
"umm DUUH!! Why the heck do I even pay you? Shoot even the peasants know that all I would have to do is get rid of them, but if I kill them, I become a tyrant, and Liu Bei has five martyrs that could even call my finest warriors to his cause."
"I am aware sir"
"Then what are you getting at?"
"Use them to your advantage, technically the council has jurisdiction over troop movement, which means 1/3 of those men should be under your command if you request it."
"oh i see so I'd get one and two-thirds of another, meaning some would die at the hands of the nation, excellent, I'll go get my executionizing swor-"
"Just wait sire, a better plan would be to send them on a campaign into the enemy's territory, surely they won't survive long, and if they die at orders from the council of three, the people will not care as much."
"Cool"
"Cool sir? It's like 86 out"
"It's just an expression"
"I've never heard it and I'm like the third smartest guy in this story"
"Shut up Sima Yi before I tell everyone you got it on with your horse."
"How did you- I mean... No I didn't!"
"You may retire, Sima Yi"
"I don't even know why I work for him..." Sima Yi grumbled as he returned to his quarters for the evening.
--------
Hmmm, wonder if the council will like the new aggressive policy Cao Cao is going to propose. I guess you gotta keep reading and commenting!
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Metaliturtle
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University of Wisconsin Stevens Point
Mar 2002
time: 23:36
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Utterly defeated by the Five Tigers of Shu, Alexander marched his forces westward to his largest conquered city of Delphi. It would be here where he would replenish his troops and train his men in the eastern fighting arts to be able to stand against the Chinese.
Alexander had become less easygoing now that his men had given him a defeat, he was serious, he was angry, he realized what a Yak really was now. It was time to stop fooling himself and kill some Chinese, and if he couldn't do it his way, he'd do it theirs, and then surprise them with his way.
He was gaining some advantages though, as he explored the Indian subcontinent he became more and more skilled commanding Elephants and even had a division of elite Elephant cavalry put into service for his empire.
"CHARGE!"
The new recruits ran in unison, spearheads thrust upwards, into a sea of attack dummies.
"All men who have pierced the same dummy as another man fall down, you are killed by the one that you missed!"
Each man had a dummy that was his own and directly in front of him, when the troops broke formation, their punishment was to lay in the mud whilst-
"WAVE TWO CHARGE!!!!!!"
Alexander's more experienced soldiers ran at a set of smaller dummies just behind the larger ones, these dummies were set up so only vital areas could be hit, or they would have to lie in the mud while the inexperienced troops came for their-
"WAVE ONE SECOND ATTACK!!!!!"
They could only become quick and strong or quickly dead with this mode of training and it showed. It was week one of their 3 month long training, all the while they were being told of atrocities that the Chinese supposedly commit to those they capture. These men didn't want to die, but they definitely would choose death over capture at the hands of the Chinese.
"Alexander, the warriors are becoming fiercer and fiercer, and they're extremely bloodthirsty."
"Good, once winter passes we will destroy the Chinese."
-------
But the Chinese were not remaining idle...
Cao Cao was pleading his case before the other two council members.
"With Lords Zhang Fei and Guan Yu advancing westward, we will be able to crush that menace Alexander, once and for all!"
Liu Bei spoke up, "Those two men are my oath brothers, what assurance have I that they will make it back alive and well, campaigning into an unknown land?"
Sun Quan spoke up, "I agree with Liu Bei, the only way I would be willing to have them in battle would be as your personal bodyguards as YOU lead the expedition, Lord Cao."
"Mmmmm ma ma me?!"
"Yes, you are so eager to send troops into the unknown, why not prove your virtue and do so?"
"Well ah, I'll send my son Cao Ang, what good is my empir- err ambition if I have no heir?"
"I suppose that would be ok, but in that case Zhang Fei and Guan Yu are the leaders of the expedition."
"Fine"
"Fine"
"Fine"
It was agreed then, upon Winter's completion, Zhang Fei and Guan Yu would march west with a third of China's massive army.
-------
In the final installment, will the two armies collide? Will Cao Cao's treachery be realized in the ranks of the Chinese army? Will Alexanders troops totally own the Chinese? Will I finish the story? We will see...
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Metaliturtle
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University of Wisconsin Stevens Point
Mar 2002
time: 23:36
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Winter Passed slowly for the Greek troops, but as the training went on, they became stronger and stronger, volunteers from the local Indian and Tibetan populations were joining Alexander's army, swelling the ranks to proportions only seen prior to the Pax Mongolica, and with the promise of Chinese splendor as spoils of war, the men were hungry to plunder and return to their homes as rich men.
The elephant corps had been expanded and was now it's own army, Greeks and locals that had familiarized themselves with the pachydermic powerhouses united. Fearsome warriors on a see of trumpeting thunder, these men were admired by the local merchants and women for their bravery, expertise, and spiffy turbans.
Alexander had personally overseen several aspects of... well... we'll just say "morale" as the eve of the invasion approached. He was prepared only for victory or death, this would be his final battle as the leader of the Greeks.
About a week before the battle there was a ruckus in the camp...
"HEY! Give that back!!"
A man dressed in an orange gi was scurrying away with a gladius that a Greek soldier named Niclos had prized since the Roman campaigns so long ago.
"Stop him he's a thief!!" Niclos ran as fast as he could and his comrades who understood Greek joined him.
Upon seeing so many men running, the rest soon joined in the hot pursuit and the oddly clothed man was soon aprehended.
The Grecian soldiers had him at bay by spearpoint. Niclos approached him fearlessly and picked up his gladius, which had fallen at sight of the spears.
"If you don't know any Greek mister you better learn some fast, I'm only going to give you one chance to explain your actions before I cut off your hands."
The man seemed to understand for he became very shocked and wrung his hands together very tightly.
"WELL!?"
"Wait... no cut hand... no want fight... just need weapon for train fellow men to retake monastary from Chinese."
"Hey Niclos! Turn him into Alexander! I bet he'll recruit these 'men!'"
The group erupted in a volcano of guffaws and chortles, yeah this man was fast but he was pretty much a wimp compared to them. They failed to realize how much they had been trained, but they would soon find out.
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Bee Vang sat upon the monastary rooftop. He knew it wasn't right for the men to take this sacred place, but Cao Cao insisted upon it so that he may observe the advance westward and make sure those idiotic 'brothers' of Liu Bei met a grizzly end.
Bee turned to his soldiers, "All of you stay away from the artifacts!" "This is a sacred place and as long as we are here there will be two standing orders: First, ANY item that turns up missing by account of the monks who were here will be paid for upon our departure in blood from random soldiers until it shows up. Secondly, ANY man caught touching or defiling holy relics will be required to kill themselves with a dull knife or be tortured by hammer!"
Bee hated giving orders like that, but he did not wish to upset the gods further, he turned back to look eastward, as Cao Cao's entorage came up the mountain pass.
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'Man who eat many prunes sit on squat box many moons'
This cheery message was displayed on the lavatory doorway, a bit of low brow humor courtesy of the Great Alexander himself. The Greeks were in high spirits, it was time to see if their training paid off, it was time to recapture a monastary.
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"Brother how far must we go until we're West?"
"Zhang Fei, we're heading west, we'll never actually BE there."
"but I have to go."
"yes, we all have to go"
Sometimes Guan Yu thought that Zhang Fei got the luckiest breaks in the world for how stupid he acted.
"Well why don't we stop then?"
"Stop?"
"Yeah so we can go!"
"But Zhang Fei, we're already going, stopping is the opposite of going"
"Guan Yu, you have no idea of just how many prunes I scarfed last night..."
"OOOOH!! you have to GO go... I thought you were epically retarded for a minute there."
"So... Can we?... Stop?" Zhang Fei said between fits of gastric distress.
"Yeah, we can stop, there's a monastary up ahead."
-------
Alexander had the men standing at attention in full battle dress.
"Men, I have gained some highly skilled new recruits, not as highly skilled as you soldiers in my army!" He waited for the cheers to die down. "But skilled nonetheless, these men have had their home taken away by a Chinese lord who seems to be the cause of all our difficulties in this new land."
Alexander paused a moment to let this information sink in, as the monks flipped onstage in unison.
"Our mission is to capture this man they call... Ca... Ca... umm well it sounds kinda like Cow Cow. Be warned, this man is very skilled in booby traps and swordsmanship, and I want him alive!"
"I will give 50,000 bars of gold to the first man who captures him, and a permanent paid discharge for all those who assisted."
The men were chomping at the bit to catch this man, he was their ticket home now... way better than attacking that evil castle again.
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Cao Cao's bodyguard watched the Greek soldiers burst into the bedroom, screaming Cao Cao at the top of their lungs. He was dressed in the finest robes his master owned, and he shoved his master's sword through his abdomen without a second thought.
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"Lord Alexander! Cao Cao is dead! We saw it with our own eyes! Here is his body and his robes!"
Alexander turned to the head monk, "Is this the man who took your monastary?"
"No your greatness, this is his bodyguard, an impostor. Knowing him, he's probably among your prisoners of war."
"Prisoners of war? Do we even have any of those?" Alexander asked his Military Commander
"Sire, only one man escaped death."
"Where is he?"
"The men are questioning him, he claims to be a lowly bodyguard."
"That's him!" shrieked the monk.
Upon capture of Cao Cao, the men found a flag that was similar in color to that of the original grecians, scrawled 'GREEKS AINT GEEKS' on it and raised it up the flagpole.
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Guan Yu watched as a Green flag was raised from the walls of the monastary. Zhang Fei was about two thirds of the way up the Eastern stairs when Guan Yu noticed the change.
"just crap your pants or go berserk or fall or something" Guan Yu thought to himself, "we need to fight here, it's where the Greek army is"
"Lord Guan!" "Lord Guan!"
"What is it, Cao Ang?"
"Lord do you not realize that flying the Green flag is a sign of respect for the forces of Shu? You would be turning the people of this region against your lord if you did not go up and accept their gifts."
"Oh fine, you lead the men ahead Cao Ang, Zhang Fei and I will catch up."
"Excellent" thought Cao Ang, "now I can secure my own little empire in the west, but first I must wait for father's signal that they're dead."
-------
Niclos hadn't been involved in capturing Cao Cao, rather, he was stuck with watch duty.
He looked North: nothing
He looked West: only Greek soldiers
He looked South: a couple of sherpas on a mountain
But looking east he saw two men coming up the gigantic stone stairway.
"We have visitors to the east!! Archers to formation!" Niclos loved taking control and he used his gladius to proudly denote the source of all the hullabaloo.
"Raise the blue flag of battle!!! and FIRE!!!"
As the green flag was being lowered the archers let fly. Zhang Fei and Guan Yu were both great warriors, but alone going uphill against dozens of archers is not easy for anyone. As the blue flag reached it's pinnacle, Cao Ang saw the men fall...
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"Alexander! Reports from the pass to the south of a giant troop movement led by a banner with the character for "CAO" on it!"
"We must stop them now! Ambush from the cliffs to freeze them, send the elephants in first, let our spearmen charge to clean up the leftovers!"
-------
THWOCK!!
"OWWWW!" yelled a Chinese trooper with a new arrow in his neck.
"Wa-" His companion couldn't even ask what the problem was before he fell.
Soon men were falling left and right, they huddled up in groups and pointed their new improved fire-breathing weapons towards the archers in the hills. They sent a volley of bullets that caused a lot of shrapnel to fall off the rocks and soon there was a small landslide above the archers' concealed position.
"LANDSLIDE!! FORWARD!!"
Cao Ang hurried his troops westward hoping they would not be killed by the debris that had already annihilated his enemy.
The men made it safely past the rockslide with only a few minor injuries, and quickly got into formation so they wouldn't be caught unawares again.
"FIREARMS TO THE FRONT!!"
All the men with the improved weapons moved into formation at the front and then began a very well-timed march when a loud trumpeting pealed through the air.
"ELEPHANTS!! FIRE!!!"
Even with the improvements, the new guns were still not strong enough to take down and elephant's skull head on, the bullets bounced of the trunked ones like fleas from the floor to a dog.
Cao Ang thought to himself, "Oh crap."
-------
Finishificationized
(Yes it leaves you hanging, but I may want to come back to this storyline later so don't worry, plus I finally get to end a story with "Oh crap."
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27-05-2004 07:04
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