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Master Zen
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of naughty
Jan 2003
time: 23:36
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The Glory of News
All the News thats unfit to print
SPECIAL PUBLIC MILLENIUM EDITION
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SPECIAL REPORT
Millenium bug hits major cities!
No cure yet found
IMPERIAL CITY - A misterious viral illness has been ravaging the empire during the past weeks, with no cure in sight. It is believed to have started on the stroke of midnight with the reported first case being none other than the lost decendant of the Farbian dynasty when admitted to the Veteran's Hospital in Imperial City. Symptoms begin similar to that of the common cold: fever, nausea, headache. However, after a period of 3-4 days, the most recognizable phase of the illness begins take hold of the victim: a relentless twitch in the right eye which has given the illness it's common name: the Farbian Eye Twitch.
While not fatal, and with symptoms receding after about two weeks, the illness is nevertheless causing grave consternation. A recent study concluded that warmonger men are 79% less likely to hook up when victims of the twitch (though that percentage drops to 44% when trying to hook up with a bearded woman). Consecuently, purchaces of sunglasses has increased by 40% of the last weeks (though extreme cases of the twitch are known to make even the sunglasses "jumpy").
Doctors are still clueless with regards to a cure, and have asked assistance from health departments worldwide to try and stop the epidemic before it spreads. If you or anyone you know looks like this, call your local health center as soon as possible:
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GoW women can vote but still can't read the ballots
Or learn to shave
IMPERIAL CITY - Still 200 years after GoW became the first empire on the planet to allow for universal suffrage to its people, the full benefits of the edict have not yet been reaped by the majority of the female population. A recent study by the Femenine University of Camp Concord (FUCC) reveals that despite full voting rights, 80% of all votes cast by Warmonger women are null due to incorrect reading and writing of the ballots. "It is clear that allowing women to vote should have been accompanied with a general rise in the national educational level, something that has not been seen since 4000 BC" concluded the report.
Laetitia Castrate, capital resident, explained "During the last elecctions, i thought I was voting for Mass Transit for our empire. In reality, I was voting for Master Zen for our emperor." When asked for comments, imperial palace spokesman Bubba Fett said that such electoral mistakes had absolutely nothing to do with Master Zen's record-breaking 6 months as GoW emperor, and that these are groundless accusations by the opposition.
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Ruins of Lux National Amusement Park opens near Skullgaria
Tourism set to take off in the Dreadlands
SKULLGARIA - Long known from its desolate, menacing landscape, now known from its grim, polluted industrial wastelands, the Dreadlands are now looking for an influx of tourism thanks to one of the newest construction projects being built in the empire. Financed by a consortium of wealthy former Arab and Warmonger veterans of the Luxian war, a massive amusement park was inaugurated this month to a record-setting international attendance. With special guest Prime Minister Darekill of Neu Demogyptica present, people rushed in after waiting hours in line, eager to ride one of the over 20 heart-pounding attractions.
Demogyptican Jasmine Al-Koh Ol, age 11, said "The rides were fantastic, I really liked the Tornado Stormchicken™ and the Pirates of Little Bob™." Spaniard Juan del Monte, age 13 was exhilarated "Ese! the Haunted House of Trip™ was like so scary, yo! I almost sh*t in my calzones!"
Day-long passes cost 5g. The park is open every day from 8am to 9pm. It is rumored that the ghost of Trip is said to haunt some of the rides.
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Imperial Railroad-c u m-Teleportation Service
Departure - Date / Arrival - Date
Imperial City - 9:45am --> Trafalgar - 9:45am
Plague City - 10:15am --> Skullgaria - 10:15am
Killdaria - 11:30am --> Ruins of Lux National Amusement Park - 11:30am
Dreadnaughtica - 1:10pm --> Port Isolation - 1:10pm
MacKenzie - 3:50pm --> Deep Dark Dungeon - 3:50pm (no return trip scheduled  )
Macao - 5:05pm --> Yellowknife - 5:05pm
Leviathan - 7:20pm --> Irongard - 7:20pm
IRcTS Q&A:
- Gunthar (Ningpo resident)
"OMG you can go from one city to another and back and again in one second! like no waaaaay!"
- IRcTS
"Like yes waaaaay!"
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Weather Service
Imperial City - Sun, Master Zen's benevolence shining down upon thee
The Hill - Snow, sleet, cavalry poop
Port Isolationa - Sun, spanish insults from across the strait
Killdaria - Overcast, arab insults from across the border
Irongard - Overcast, arab spitballs
Dreadnaughtica - Toxic carcinogenous radioactive refinary and factory fallout
Last edited by Master Zen on 21-06-2004 at 09:12
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21-06-2004 09:03
Did you ever sort out the head-on-a-pole thing, WIA?
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