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Kassiopeia
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Jyväskylä, Finland
Jul 2001
time: 07:35
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The Phalanx
Your reliable and trustworthy resource for news on the Spartan Federation. To quote the Spartan Battle Manual:
Information, the first principle of warfare, must form the foundation of all your efforts. Know, of course, thine enemy. But in knowing him do not forget above all to know thyself. The commander who embraces this totality of battle shall win even with the inferior force.
In Issue #1:
- Not the Sole Survivors? (editorial)
- Colonel Santiago on Indefinite Leave of Absence (news report)
- XenoBurritos - a New Military Sensation (lifestyle)
- Being a Spartan, Part I (educational)
- Gladiator Fights Disrupted! (news report)
- Impact Rifles for Dummies - 5 simple rules (educational)
Not the Sole Survivors?
by Captain Kassiopeia
Despite the disasterous situation that faced the starship Unity above this world, we have persevered and have established a strong foothold on this hostile lump of rock. All Spartan citizens are lauded for this effort, for it has proven us all how strong we are and how strong we can become.
There are rumours that during the launch of our own re-location vehicle other members of the crew assembled under different Unity officers and used the other vehicles onboard to land on Chiron and that they are in a similar position as we are. However, there is no reason to believe that anyone not following the same tenets as the Spartans would have been able to survive for more than a few months.
There is a slim chance that the xenobiological expert Deirdre Skye may be able to somehow manage, but her very persona lacks the endurance and stamina to do what is needed to live on. Zakharov will be too preoccupied with his books, Lal must arrange a vote to decide on who has to clean up the latrine, and the slob Morgan will have perished at the mere prospect of having to live in crowded conditions with supply rationing. The computer specialist Roze's (sic) "skillz" will have little use against whatever lifeforms the planet might throw at her.
Also, even if we encountered such parties as we explore and map Chiron, they will simply be added to our strength - after heavy re-education if need be. After all, Colonel Santiago was the Chief of Security, and with Captain Buster and Executive Officer Yang presumed dead, the command of the mission is hers, especially with the dangerous situation we are in. While the Colonel is in indefinite stasis, her mandate belongs to Lieutenant-Colonel Pedro "Maniac" Riveira, our commanding officer.
Therefore, there is no need to raise concern over the possibility of other factions. If they have happened to survive, their distinctiveness will be removed and they will be added to our might. If they resist, their deaths will be either honourable ones (in battle) or dishonourable ones (under our boot).
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Colonel Santiago on Indefinite Leave of Absence
by Lieutenant-Colonel Maniac
Four years ago Colonel Santiago herself navigated our Unity escape pod down to Chiron, rescuing us all from destruction. She herself though was heavily injured upon landing, and right after Planetfall we lacked the medical facilities to treat her wounds. Therefore we put her into a cryosleep. But a couple of months ago we completed construction of a fully-equipped hospital in Sparta Command, capable of healing her.
After weeks of medical treatment while still in cryosleep, she is now about to regain consciousness. We take you live to the moment her cryocell will open, so we can all hear the first words of our precious leader:
*pssssshhhhhhhhhsss...
Lt.-Doctor Bonaventura: Welcome back to the land of the living, Ma'am. 
Colonel Santiago: *blinks here eyes. Thank you, thank you.
S: Say, Bonaventura, have we invented a rejuvenation technology while I was taking a nap?
B: I'm afraid not, Colonel.
S: Oh. 
...
S: Freeze me back in then. *closes her eyes again in preparation.
B: Err... 
S: That's an order. Lieutenant.
B: Yes of course Colonel. Right away. *salutes.
*pssssshhhhhhhhhhhhT.
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XenoBurritos - a New Military Sensation
by Captain Zeiter
A popular piece of culinary art is sweeping the Spartan military. While the squeamish may find the dish disgusting, the Spartan soldiers fix it up every chance they get. What's cookin' in the Spartan barracks, you may ask? It's a snack that the Spartan soldiers like to refer to as a "Xenoburrito."
"Yeah, I know it may sound nasty, but it's actually quite good." Spartan elite Kobold Mirinskov explains with a stuffed mouth. "Last night we came up on a fungal sector full of N-I's [military slang for "native infestations."] Needless to say, we whipped out our Skankies [military slang for flamethrowers] and gave them a real Jamski [military slang for roasting]. We cooked 'em real good, right down to the meat. That's the hard part. Once you have that behind you, the rest is easy. Next, you just peel off the tough outer hide, lightly toast the tender inside for a few more minutes, and then wrap them in some of the military-grade kelp that comes with our provisions. What you get is a 'Xenoburrito'".
"We cook 'em up every chance we get." Spartan rover captain Viggo Corsolini comments as he works on a scout rover axle. "And even better, consuming them seems to increase your psi awareness...although Vedo did go temporarily insane after eating an entire crate of them...so...wait, did you hear that? "
Xenoburritos: temporary fad, or brilliant item of culinary ingenuity? I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
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Being a Spartan, Part I
by Captain Kassiopeia
In the first part of our ongoing series on being an honourable Spartan, we concentrate on culture.
Now, some warriors will cry out: "Culture? We don't need no stinking culture! We do battle, not read books."
This mindset could not possibly be more ignorant. Humankind has a long history of warfare, with many lessons learned, and ignoring that history is a surefire way to defeat, not victory. Culture is important because it allows us to store this information and study it to our advantage.
And not only the history of war: the history of science to create new better equipment, the history of entertainment to relieve stress and to create propaganda... you get the picture. Information is not just the pins on the War Map at headquarters, it is much more. If we are to create a stable and long-lived civilization on Chiron, we need more than impact rifles and able-bodied men.
Thus, it is highly recommended that all Spartan warriors from the lowest to the highest ranks study the following titles. They are required reading in the war academies, so men of high rank already know them by heart. The Spartan Battle Manual is omitted for obvious reasons.
- Clausewitz, Carl von: On War
- French, Shannon: The Code of the Warrior
- Hart, Basil: Strategy
- Hsun-Tzu: The Art of War (2nd Spartan translation)
- Riveira, Santiago, et al: A Tactical History of Sparta (volume I is out now)
- Santiago, Corazon: Planet: A Survivalist's Guide
- Sawyer, Chi Pai Chan Chi Lueh Liu, et al: One Hundred Unorthodox Strategies
- Sekunda, Nicholas: The Spartan Army
In the second part, our focus will be on physical training.
Table of contents
Gladiator Fights Disrupted!
by Lieutenant-Colonel Maniac
The period immediately after Planetfall was a rough time. Our lack of knowledge about the Chironian biopshere led to a large number of casualties due to food poisoning, suffocation and even some mysterious and unsolved disappearances of people around the large fields of fungal flora east of Sparta Command. Morale was at an all-time low. The Junta decided something needed to be done - urgently.
To give people some distraction from their daily problems, gladiator tournaments were organized. The participants were arrested criminals - though some claim they are simply people who ended up in the wrong escape pod and were unable to adapt to Spartan society. They had to fight against each other, with bare fists or at most with knifes, and the winners of the tournaments were given their freedom back. Others lost their lives in the arena.
The gladiator fights were a success, and the following years similar tournaments were organized around the end of each Mission Year. Currently it looks like the fights will become an annual tradition. There are people however who disagree with this course of events, mostly members of the Spartan Pacifist Party, also better known as the Let's-Give-Method-A-Fancy-Title Dining Club. They believe the gladiator fights, or as they call it: "people being forced to kill each other for the pleasure of spectators", are wrong and against human dignity.
To express their discontent and make sure everyone hears about their cause, they planned an original action. They decided to run naked down the streets around the arena, protesting against the fights. Strangely enough, there are currently no laws against public nudity in the Sparta Command Police Code of Order - probably a forgetfullness. This had as a consequence the police garrison was not allowed to arrest the protesters. But do not fear, law-abiding citizens! The police force bravely and with great sense of duty observed and monitored the naked protesters, to make sure no harm or vandalism was done!
We've asked a few reactions of Sparta Command inhabitants about the action of the Spartan Pacifist Party. As you will see, opinions differ about the matter:
"This... This is a disgrace! The highest form of decadence possible! If only Santiago were here, this would never have happened!  "
"Heh well. Personally I wouldn't mind seeing our yearly tradition of gladiator fights being replaced by a yearly tradition of nude people parading down the streets.  "
No doubt this story will be continued next year.
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We break this newscast for an emergency broadcast from the Spartan headquarters.
Important Announcement
by Captain Zeiter
MILITARY COMMAND AT SPARTA COMMAND HAS BANNED ALL FURTHER CONSUMPTION OF SO-CALLED "XENOBURRITOS". THEY HAVE BEEN DEEMED "DANGEROUS TO FACTIONAL HEALTH" AND ANY FURTHER CONSUMPTION OF SAID SUBSTANCE WILL RESULT IN 6 WEEKS IN THE PUNISHMENT SPHERES.
Impact Rifles for Dummies - 5 simple rules
by Captain Kody, Minister in charge of making sure the pins stay in the right spots on the War Map
So you want to learn how use a brand new spanking impact rifle? There are 5 simple rules for keeping you and your household safe. These rules should be followed religiously during the first year of your ownership
Rule number one, when cleaning the trigger, point away from face and any living creatures including family members and pets. This also includes step parents. The reason for this rule is impact rifles are made to kill and do so in a highly messy way at point blank. While cleaning the trigger it is quite possible to inadvertently squeeze the trigger a little too much. If the rifle is loaded with live ammunition the trigger will cause the propellent in the shell to combust driving the shell forward out of the rifle and into anything in the way. If the shell hits something or someone it will bury itself two inches into the object and explode causing a massive spray of…. errr stuff… that will be over 2 metres high and will repaint your waters in a bright red, while some people may like that colour it will unfortunately dry a browny poo colour. This horrible colour is why step parents should also be discluded from the line of fire during trigger cleaning.
Rule number two, pets and impact rifle practise do not mix. Most people will tend to practise using their impact rifle in their backyard. It is quite important that you lock up all your pets before practise as pets can cause all kinds of problems if on the loose. Dogs have the habit of running up to you and bowling you over causing wild and undirected fire that may cause property damage. This is also true with cats when they decide they are hungry and dig their claws into your foot while you are trying to aim for the tree. Mindworms however are the most dangerous as they may show you images of your ex-girlfriend while you’re holding the impact rifle.
Rule number three, kids and impact rifles do not mix. While we all love our kids and want to show them the joy of mindless destruction on a much larger scale than the living room, they need to work their way up to an impact rifle. Start with a laser rifle that will not cause a large area of damage, or use a missile launcher that as a minimum distance to explosion set to something suitably distant. It is also important to keep kids from taking impact rifles to school. Not so much to prevent casualties, rather they’ll be more likely to end up being immediately enlisted into the very green shock troops, who have an extraordinarily high casualty rate
Rule number four, condoms are a tried and true method of keeping the shells from getting wet. We’ve all heard the talk about safe sex. Putting condoms on your shells keeps them from getting pregnant, so you should always use a condom. What do you mean this isn’t a sex edu book? For goodness sake Clarie stop typing what I’m saying… Condoms can act as a cheap and easy method to keep shells from getting wet which can render them useless. A blister pack of 4 dozen condoms only costs 1EC at your local store, while shells can cost up to 1 EC each. It makes economic sense to wrap your shells if you are going into a wet environment.
Rule number five, impact rifles should not be used in bed. We’ve all thought about bringing our guns to bed, but it is a definite no no especially if you have wife. Bringing the gun to bed can cause marital breakup if the wifey suspects that you love the gun more than her. Three out of four divorces involved bedroom guns and two out of four widowings. Even if you are certain that it won’t end with either lawyer or a priest, impact rifles tend to be bulky under pillows and may be mistaken for ….. This can be highly uncomfortable and embarrassing in the morning.
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This concludes the first issue of the Voice of Sparta, The Phalanx.
To submit your own article, contact Chief (and only) Editor Cpt. Kassiopeia.
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12-07-2004 03:54
"Whipped out our Skankies and gave them a real Jamski" 
Great stuff Sparta
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