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Kassiopeia
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Jyväskylä, Finland
Jul 2001
time: 07:36
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The Phalanx
Your reliable and trustworthy resource for news on the Spartan Federation. To quote the Spartan Battle Manual:
Information, the first principle of warfare, must form the foundation of all your efforts. Know, of course, thine enemy. But in knowing him do not forget above all to know thyself. The commander who embraces this totality of battle shall win even with the inferior force.
In Issue #2:
- Fifth Spartan Colony Pod Launched (news report)
- Being a Spartan, Part II (educational)
- Info Leak Proves Freedom of the Press (news report)
- New Code Language Created (news report)
- Junior Spartans Organise Themselves (news report)
- First Day of School Essentials for Spartan Youngsters (educational)
Fifth Spartan Colony Pod Launched
by Captain Kassiopeia
The crowd cheered on as the fifth colony pod in Spartan history headed out on its way from the construction yards of Sparta Command. This fabulous state-of-the-art vehicle carries thousands of people and can set up an outpost that will after some labour turn into a full-fledged base of the Federation. The launch of the colony pod was delayed for quite some time until finally two days ago a couple of hundred more courageous Spartans volunteered for the dangerous journey.
The citizens in question were the workers of a mine near Sparta Command, who had grown weary of the dull tedium of the operation and desired to expand our influence on the new frontier. Originally Lieutenant-Colonel Riveira plead for the workers to remain behind, explaining that without workers no new pods could be constructed.
Fortunately, this problem was solved when another group of Spartans again volunteered for the burden, saying "we won't get to take the risk, but we will give others the possibility to take it". This is a very positive mindset, for the industry is in shortage of workers as staying in one place and doing the same thing daily does not appeal to the average Spartan, even though the conditions are excellent and the salary is high.
One of the miners-turned-colonists thanked Lt.-Colonel Riveira for the opportunity. He was quoted saying, "we are sorry for the empty mines and factories, but as Spartans you all understand, that danger and adventure are in our blood. We eat it and we breathe it. Let us go forth, before we are numb."
Table of Contents
Being a Spartan, Part II
by Captain Kassiopeia
As mentioned in Part I, this part of our educational article series will cover physical training. Physical training is one of the if not the most important aspect of Spartan training. Muscular strength is not of the essence, however: endurance, agility and dexterity are. Only in rare occasions does one have to resort to hand-to-hand combat in modern warfare, but a Spartan must of course be prepared for such a situation as well.
To instruct on a proper training session and on an exercise regime in general is on live videofeed a drill sergeant from one of the garrisons of Sparta Command, Sergeant Arnold Baum.
A videofeed goes on, showing a tall man with a ridiculously muscular body and a cube-like head.
"To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women, a Spartan must be in perfect physical condition! Forty push-ups, now, you sissies! And those clothes. Nothing clean. Your clothes - give them to me, now!"
The camera pans out to show a few hapless soldiers with their strategic locations censored doing push-ups on the ground. Sergeant Baum walks in front of them and spouts with saliva flying all over the place.
"You have to carry the .45 with a long slide and a laser sight for countless distances! You have to limp home even after being shot to the head with a phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range!"
One of the recruits stops doing push-ups. Sergeant Baum is about to grab him when another soldier protests:
"You can't do that!"
"Wrong."
He grabs the hapless soldier and goes inside the barracks building, saying to the others:
"I'll be back."
The feed is cut off.
There appears to have been some technical difficulties. In any case, next time in Part III we will deal with civic duties.
Table of Contents
Info Leak Proves Freedom of the Press
by Captains DBTS and Kassiopeia
There have been many doubts aired during the past week, that the Spartan press is but a puppet of the administration and that the newscast The Phalanx is nothing but a cover for the government to manipulate the population. This could not be further from the truth. While the editor-in-chief is an officer of the military, he takes orders from no one when it comes to reporting the news. The Phalanx, I assure you myself, is balanced and fair (tm).
To prove this, this newscast will present you a communication log that has been leaked to The Phalanx by an anonymous source in the Spartan headquarters. Some details have been removed by the editor-in-chief solely for the purposes of factional security.
quote:
Mission:000-0000-0011-3572-31
Mission alias: Shadow-watcher
Operatives: Captain [censored] and sergeant major [censored]
Operatives alias: DBTS and line
Objective: To explore the possibilities and feasibility of infiltration of [censored] and start an M-41 mission in the same location.
Status: PENDING
Side notes: First part of the mission is a succes and line is in position for M-41 mission
Recommendation: make official contact with the [censored] Faction as soon as possible with regular troops. Captain DBTS recommend using the chiron Knight division for it.
Attachments: Debrief interview with DBTS
Debrief interview with DBTS
interrogator: Captain Googlie
DBTS:
we left on the night of [censored] to meet up with the local resistance. We had a 10 day hike up through the fungus to get to the ocean. On the second day we lost our food supplements because line fell down a cliff. It wasnt that high, i guess 45 meter or something like that, so he didnt broke anything. It is a well trained man. We started hunting for mindworms from there on out. We found some on the [censored] the were a mature boil so we had enough to eat for the rest of our journey. We arrived at the beach just 2 clicks south of [censored] bay on the [censored]. We need to swim 60 km to the island where base [censored] is located. We arrived 2 hours later. We werent tired or something but Spartan regulations states that we need to rest after 10 days of light exercise. So after the recommended 10 minute rest we set out to locate the resistance. They werent hard to find. The left an easy trail to follow. After the meeting with the head of the movement down there, [censored] is his name, we started our surveillance of the base. the [censored] soldiers are poorly trained and even worse equipped. After 5 days line with help of the resistance was moved into the base and started the preparation for the M-41 mission. He send one message back it:
line:
i am in position. It is a typical [censored] base. you cant get anything for free. Even the restitance wanted credits from me for the place i am living in. I am glad when we take out this fat money pigs and start building a real base her. END TRANSMISSION
DBTS:
I left right afterwards and came back without any problems.
Captain Google:
recorded and approved by me, Captain Google of the Spartan armed forces, on [censored] in base [censored]
END DEBRIEF INTERVIEW
Send for approval to: Lt. Colonel Maniac |
There you have it.
Table of Contents
New Code Language Created
by Captain Kassiopeia
quote:
Originally posted by Major Skanky Burns
* Skanky Burns dances around the room for no apparent reason.
:dnace:  :dance; |
This message alongside many others has caused increased confusion in the data networks and discussion plazas of the Spartan Federation. After careful public analysis and study by a few cryptographers working for The Phalanx, it's been concluded that this was actually the test run of a brand new Spartan command code language.
Some suggested that by some miracle the Majors had been influenced by the Unity Psych Chaplain Miriam Godwinson and were speaking in tongues. Some had thought the unthinkable and suggested that the two Majors in question were actually under the influence of alcohol, but such ridiculous rumours can now be eliminated once and for all.
quote:
Originally posted by Jamski
I'm really pleased o annouct thjat I just had a converstaion with a real peosnon on the telephoine
:dacne: |
Dubbed "Dacne" by the appearance of the word in the texts of both Majors using this language, our cryptographers have had little luck in trying to decipher the meaning of most of these phrases and have been only able to make educated guesses on others. Therefore it is reasonable to conclude, when one considers that Spartan cryptographers are the best in existence, that this language is the product of a very delicate process and is for all intents and purposes uncrackable.
Our experts did have a shot at it, though. We have made a compilation of all the messages we could discover, and have added an effort at translation. It remains to be seen whether our specialists managed to actually crack the code or if it truly is perfect.
quote:
Originally posted by Skanky Burns
Well, you try typing that out threee times when you have had more black russians than you can cound (due to drinking more black russinad shtna you can count(due to drking...)))  |
"The information network of Sparta Command has been compromised. All senior officers activate the plan D-2 of their Emergency Dossiers."
quote:
Originally posted by Jamski
I want a unit roo to go and attackt eh MOrgan mastranerrt! |
"This code is constructed on the first 10 000 digits of pi." We have our doubts, though, for using a well-known number like that is unlikely when designing a good code.
quote:
Originally posted by Jamski
I don't amwat to read allt ahtz, But what wis ther quickest way to getot IMOACR WARPIN!?
Thasts wahapt er wanrt! thane we can co anc give the ozerh tofactions a gpod KILIBN!
HEHEHEHE!1 |
"Our forces are in position on the Hiverian border and are ready to launch their attack. Waiting for further instructions."
We asked one of the lower command staff, namely Captain Zeiter, to try to communicate back to the Majors with a snippet of code our experts had prepared to test the waters. No reply was made to the message, however, but here it is anyway:
quote:
Originally posted by Zeiter
Whel, I haf ta telll yuoo, thtis stuf iz pertie gpod. I thiek I need to inseptc anuhter bottel or too...And, I'm defnitlee see waht Jamski meaning by "IMOACR WARPIN". I agree, Jamski!  We defnite need som dose.
Wha? Bananas can dancing?
Okay, I thinck I good idea mabe stop drink xenobrew... |
This is what the cryptographers think signifies "Your code has been compromised, but only after hard work. Congratulations on the effort and better luck next time."
Time will tell if this code will be further implemented (meaning our efforts have been, fortunately, in vain) or whether we have managed to uncover a dangerous flaw in this new code. We will keep you informed.
Table of Contents
Junior Spartans Organise Themselves
by Captains Andemagne and Kassiopeia
On Chiron survival skills are of the essence. These skills need to be introduced to the mind of a human as early as possible to sow and reap the most benefit: that which is learned young will be known until death, be it in battle or of old age.
To advance the education of these skills, a Junior Spartan organisation called the Spartan Woodchucks has spontaneously been founded by a few intrepid individuals. Named after a similar survivalist group of old Earth, with the help of Planet: A Survivalist Guide and the Spartan Battle Manual these brave youngsters learn to operate in the Chironian environment alongside their actual scholastic education in the Spartan academies.
The Woodchucks also encourage innovation and initiative. In the middle of hostile conditions, a stellar idea can save the entire division from certain doom. Their training will also include introduction to basic combat and battle strategy to prepare the young minds for the lessons of future. Following its predecessor's footsteps, the Spartan Woodchucks will carry replicas of the familiar furry hats, adorned with the Spartan emblem signifying clarity of purpose, strength and agility. Medals and badges will be awarded to particularly skilled individuals.
Three Spartan Woodchucks standing by for a combat exercise. Image by Captain Zeiter.
The Spartan Woodchucks have also already formed two titles in honour of some of the most respected Spartan officers:
J.A.M.S.K.I.: Journeying Adonis-like Man Skilled in Killing and Infiltration
Z.E.I.T.E.R.: Zeta Elite Individual Trained for Exploration and Recon
More will be created according to need. Lieutenant-Colonel Riveira has lauded this effort as "ground-breaking", and has promised the Spartan Woodchucks complete support from the commanding officers of Sparta, including supplying obsolete equipment for purposes of training. If you are a Spartan aged 5-15 or the parent of such a Spartan, contact the Woodchuck recruitment department immediately at dtp://info.woodchucks.org/join/.
Table of Contents
First Day of School Essentials for Spartan Youngsters
by Captain Zeiter
The age of 7 is a special milestone in every Spartan's life: It's the age when they finally leave their family and go off to train for Spartan military service and citizenship. And as a proud and loving parent, you want the best for them. So here are some First Day of School Essentials to prepare your children for the challenges that they will face at their first day of training camp:
*50-caliber machine gun
There's nothing worse than getting picked on by a bully on the first day of school. Recent studies have shown that a child equipped with a 50-caliber machine gun is 83% less likely to be the victim of a bully. This can be mounted on the family car, on the front of a child's bike, or your children can strap it around their shoulder if they walk to school.
*Psidef XenoRoaster FD7 Flamethrower
Even worse than getting beaten up and losing your lunch money on the first day is getting your brains ravenously devoured by a swarm of mind worms. Studies have shown that the #1 reason for children between the ages of 7-14 dropping out of school is mind worm decapitation. Make sure your children are prepared to deal with these relentless creatures! In addition, teach them the "Just say NO!" technique for when a swarm of mind worms uses its psi powers to try to persuade your children to come closer. The Flamethrower's gas tank straps on to the back, and it even has pockets and zippers so that your children can also use it as a backpack. The flamethrower can also be mounted onto a car or bike. With a 50-caliber machine gun in the right hand, and a Psidef XenoRoaster FD7 Flamethrower in the left hand, your children will be well prepared to face any dangers on the way to school.
*Paper, pencils, and scissors
Your children will need paper and pencils to write down combat procedures and operation objectives. Well-sharpened pencils also make good melee weapons. Likewise with scissors.
*Waterproof Combat Boots
As an annual tradition, the first grade class is initiated on a field trip to the Tropics of Mycenae, where they hike 100 miles through swampy undergrowth. Getting gangrene on your feet really puts a damper on the field trip, so make sure your children have some sturdy combat boots that will last them a hundred miles of hiking through this rough, swampy terrain.
By preparing your children with these First Day of School Essentials, there's a chance, with some luck, that you just might see them again.
Table of Contents
This concludes the second issue of the Voice of Sparta, The Phalanx.
To submit your own article, contact Chief (and only) Editor Cpt. Kassiopeia.
Last edited by Kassiopeia on 19-07-2004 at 04:39
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19-07-2004 04:24
I see those drill sergeants are training our boys well.
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