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Illuminatus
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Salvaging Unity Fusion Core
Jul 2003
time: 06:17
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Restaurant at the End of Planet
Heroes of our story were left drinking in the Hive central base. Over the time they emptied the entire alcohol stock of the entire Human Hive, as well 200-year supply of shampoos, industrial chemicals, cleaning products and inoculation doses. Hive labs have even reported all their urine samples gone, as well all of their mercury. In yet unexplained series of events, Chairman Yang’s palace was turned into a Spanish language classroom. Anyway, after years and years of drinking, bartender Red realised that they have been surrounded by the entire Hive military force, three waves of mindworms and extremely militant faction of door-to-door salesmen.
“Wake up Micha!”
“Err, money, sweet money, uh what is it?”
“Where is Drogue? We have been surrounded by a vast army.”
“I think Drogue went to Peacekeep East Coast to soak his head in sea water.”
“Come again?”
“I said, I think Drogue went to Peacekeeper East Coast to soak his head in sea water.”
“Yes, but why would he do that?”
“Well, our moderators are very strange people, I must admit. Have you noticed that huge, swallen, stinky monster Method has grown out from dandruff? It is right there near the left corridor.”
“I believe that is Jamski after last nights party. I told him not to drink chemicals, but noo, true Spartans drink toxical waste every morning.”
“Then where is the monster?”
“I believe Ouro was teaching it to dance polka. Don’t know if he had any success but if he had, that would explain recent tremors. They are over there. Anyway, without Drogue, how will we defend from the enemy? We are badly outgunned, outnumbered, have low morale, in bad shape, and let’s not mention the fact that most of us are still drunk and sleeping.”
“Hummm, I dunno. Let’s ask GeoModder.”
“Umm GeoModder has went to find a bathroom three weeks ago. He was last seen falling into a borehole shouting I’ll be baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaackkk!”
“Whom else can we ask then?”
Snowflake awakes – “Perhaps we should all just be friends and there there would be no war and everybody would be happoy and dancing and flowers anywhere and all would sing tralalalala!”
Micha and Red together: “Okay, any other suggestions?”
Kassiopeia: “ We could attack and die in blaze of glory!”
Snowflake, Micha and Red together: “Any more suggestions?”
Method awakes. “Actually I could use my powers to destory Human Hive. But I prefer watching the bloodshed instead.”
Red: “So far I like Method’s suggestion the most.”
Snowflake: “But it wasn’t a suggestion at all!”
Red: “I know. :|”
BinTravkin suddenly: “Wait a minute! Where is Illu? He can probably help us!”
Laurentius: “He is under the table, trying to solve Fermat theorem.”
BinTravkin: “Hey Illu! Do you have any idea how to save ourselves from onslaught without a godlike entity around’”
Illuminatus, rising up: “No, but I solved the Fermat theorem.”
Hercules awakes: “You did what?”
Illuminatus: “See – it is all here.”
Hercules starts to read paper.
“How the heck did you manage to get one and half egg and Zimbabwe as solution?”
Illuminatus: “Simple – I just turned the Plothole Device on.”
Kassiopeia: “You wield the Plothole Device? The mightiest device in Universe? Why haven’t you used it to turn the Planet into paradise since you have such power?”
Illuminatus: “As I said, it is the PLOTHOLE device.”
Kassiopeia: “Oh.”
Lemmy: “Can’t you just turn it on and see if you can save us?
Illuminatus: “Okay.”
Illu presses the ON button. A giant drillship appears from nowhere.
Micha: “I guess we are supposed to escape the Hive by drilling an escape route down?”
Lemmy: “But where will we go?”
Flameflash: “Let’s go to our home! Angel lands are full of booze! We hijacked various booze transports from around the planet in order to accumulate enough booze for alcoholic victory.”
Hercules: “ Ehh, you just gave away our secret plans.”
Flameflash. “Whoops. Let’s switch to plan B then?”
Hercules: “Yes, it seems we’ll have to hack the Giant Terror Duck Gaians are building.”
Illuminatus: “What did you say Herc?”
Hercules: “Err, I was just explaining how I train gooses in muck.  “
Red: "We have no time to waste. Let’s get into the drillship. And Illu, take the Plothole Device."
Several minutes later.
“Hey Micha, how come you have two seats just for yourself?”
“I bought one from a certain guest with my vast Morgan wealth.  ”
“Who would be crazy enough to abandon his only chance of survival?”
Jamski's voice from outside the vehicle. “True Spartans eat their way through the Planet’s crust.”
Kassiopeia: “Uh, what is that, can’t hear you clearly from this huge distance of five meters and under this terrible conditions of complete silence and complete clarity of your voice.”
Jamski while taking bites of earth: “I said, true..”
Kassiopeia: “Seal the doors! We need to go NOW!”
Red: “Uh, how do we get to Angel lands?”
Hercules: “Simple, I will show you. Eh, everybody close your eyes.”
***
Hive troops entering the Hive found a huge bottomless pit in midst of Hive Feeding Bay. They also found a smaller bottomless pit near it. Three days later they all died from serious dehydration.
Door-to-door salesman soon took over the Hive and became a serious competitors to Morgan Industries until they were wiped out by a particulary nasty caste of feet fungus, but that is another story.
***
Some time later.
“Uh Hercules, are you sure we need to pass through the Planet’s molten core?”
“Yes.”
“How come we are not melting away?”
“This vehicle was created by use of the Plothole Device.”
***
Meanwhile, some 600 kilometres above:
“True Spartan eats his way through the Planet’s crust! True Spartan eats his way through Planet’s crust! Uh Kassi and other Spartans seem to be lagging behind me. Nevermind that, true Spartan eats his way through the Planet’s crust!”
***
Some more time later:
Hercules: “Okay, we are here.. in a way.”
“In a way?”
“We’ll, we are back on surface, but I don’t recognize this area. I must have taken the wrong direction near Mohorovičič discontinuity.”
Illuminatus comes to the pilot cabin. “This doesn’t look like anything I have seen. The horizont is not round, it is a 90 degree angle? The land is covered in daisies, and sea is populated by dancing supply crawlers?
Method: “I’’ll use Pholus Lunar Outpost signal to determine our position.
Strange.
Very strange.
Our coordinates read as infinity, infinity.”
Snowflake: “Guys, what is this strange place?’”
A loud voice with a distinct German accent: “Thiz is ze Restaurant at ze End of the Planet. Welkomm, and enjoy your stay.”
Flameflash: “At the End of Planet? Just what region is this?”
A loud voice with a distinct French accent: “ The Westouwant is at the Enth of twe Planet in the sense of all eight dimenphions.”
Micha: “Do you mean we travelled to future too? I want to see my bank account – I wonder how big my account is?”
A loud voice with a distinct bad English accent: “I am sorry, but none of your mother factions exist anymore. Planet shall soon be destroyed in war between Transcended Coalition and HyperAlliance – two groupations of sentient lifeforms left on Planet. While you wait for the End of the Planet, I suggest you park and exit your vehicle and get something to drink.
BinTravkin, Illu and Ouro: “We as Gaians, oppose destruction of Planet, as destruction of entire biosphere is likely to disturb native lifeforms.”
Method: “Guys? I think this is kind of pointless now.”
***
Somewhere else:
“True Spartan eats his way through the Planet’s crust! True Spartan eats his way through the Planet’s crust! Boy, my teeth sure hurt! Hey, what is this opening in Planet’s crust ahead of me?
GeoModder, while still falling. “….BE BAAAAAAAAAAAAACCKKKK!
Jamski, while watching him fall into abyss: “Those pesky Angels can’t beat us! I am going after him.”
Jamski jumps into the Abyss.
…
Ouro: “Where are Angels?”
Method: “Probably trying to hijack one of the vehicles on the parking lot. Did you see them? Vast fleets of gravships, cruisers, locusts, rovers, minworms, portable psi gates… “
Micha: “Good news everyone! I used some cash I had in my pocket to buy the whole Planet!”
MWIA: “You do realise that Planet will be destroyed soon? Don’t you think that buying a Planet that will soon blow up as a risky operation?
Micha: “Errr, shutup! Morgan Industries OWN you or at least Planet on which you are standing.”
Whoha: “Indeed brother! Now we can.. we can… uh wanna gamble?”
Tassadar ( !?! ): “Hey guys, I told you this ACDG will eventually die.”
Illuminatus: “What are you doing here’”
Tassadar: “Can you imagine end of the world without me?”
Illuminatus: “Err, nooo.”
Snowflake: “That is a wonderful ring we have around Chiron.”
Method looks in the sky: “That is not ring, these are remains of the Pholus Lunar Outpost! What happened to it?”
A loud voice with a distinct Latin accent: “Pholius Lunarius Outpostius wasius destroyius inius attackius of GAINus forcius twius centurius afterius yourius timeus.”
Laurentius: Bibamus, moriendum est.
Everyone: Indeed. Let’s drink!
***
GeoModder and Jamski fall out from earth… towards the sky?
GeoModder: “What happened to gravity?”
They fall down on coast.
“I see laws and order are not fast in this parts?”
“Great, where are we now?”
“I dunno, but true Spartan never feels lost.”
“Who is that man ?” – Geo points at a man holding his head in sea.
Drogue straightens up: “Hey guys, wanna soak your heads in the sea?”
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16-12-2004 06:27
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