30-01-2005 01:14									#1
	What am I doing? Remove this text

Self pity thread again, consider yourselves warned.

Having a weird moment. Life is having a weird moment. Having resigned myself to hermitude, interspersed by moments of fury against my renal system my two major things are these...

Writing. Progressing ok after a scare this week. When I planned this novel I'd attempted one beforehand that sort of fizzled out, after realising that I was writing it out of venom and naivity more than anything. So my current one, something a little darker, though a little more consistent and human. I planned it in 12 chapters and assumed I'd write between 5000 and 7000 words each... but shockingly enough I tend to be too concise! At the current rate I'd only end up with 40'000 words for the whole novel, whereas it needs to be between 70'000 - 110'000. So anyway I've spend the last ****ing week restructuring it, and now have 25 sections that puts me on course for ~80k which is nice but grrr extra workload. Don't get me wrong, I feel better that I'm actually working on it and making progress but I started writing it in July and said I'd be finished by September, then xmas, then my birthday which is on tuesday (a deadline that isn't going to happen). Everyone keeps telling me to stop setting myself deadlines but hey easy enough to say that.

And then there's the meds. I had a really bad experience with venlafaxine (aka Effexor XL) so I was switched to carbamazepine (Tegretol). This is a weird one, I'm reacting much better. I'm not really affected much yet because it's only been a few weeks, but I am much calmer. It takes a while to get up to the theraputic dose, but my shrink tells me that I'll likely be on this stuff for years and that it's a "commitment drug" (a terrible thing to say to someone half your age).

But ****, what am I doing (how neat was that, repeating the title? )? Years on this stuff? Kind of makes me feel that I'll have years of this. Yes I know that's not true and things have this habit of changing when you least expect them, but at this moment, what do I really have? A novel who's chances for publication are slight at best. Not that it really matters, I just want to finish the damn thing.

I know what people are likely to say. Get out, travel, take breaks. I'm told to lighten up by some, to stop treating life as a joke by others. Went into town this morning to take back a library book and get a haircut and was literally afraid of walking out of the door. As in properly fearful, racing heart, the works. I must have looked like a complete idiot, black coat, black leather gloves, black scarf, black trousers, black turtleneck, black shoulderbag, glancing over my shoulder like a soap salesman in a dutch prison.

Four years ago, the plan was that by now I'd be in my second year at uni, studying astrophysics with a group of professional nymphomaniac assasins at my beck and call. Food for thought eh?

	30-01-2005 01:19									#2
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When I first read this I though it said, "interspersed by moments of furries. "

	30-01-2005 01:24									#3
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It wouldn't make a great deal of difference

	30-01-2005 01:31									#4
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quote: Four years ago, the plan was that by now I'd be in my second year at uni, studying astrophysics with a group of professional nymphomaniac assasins at my beck and call. Food for thought eh?

Plans are....unreliable at best. Four years ago my plan was to flee the country and keep running until things magically fell into place, yet here I am spending 20 hours a day in front of my pc, drinking coffee and eating Skittles.

Do you genuinely think you'd want to be at uni right now? I agree there are plenty of nymphomaniac assasins in higher education looking for a leader, but they are more likely to follow one who has taken a slightly more different and interesting route in life.

	30-01-2005 01:32									#5
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you hit outta a gravity bong yet?

	30-01-2005 02:01									#6
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quote: Do you genuinely think you'd want to be at uni right now? I agree there are plenty of nymphomaniac assasins in higher education looking for a leader, but they are more likely to follow one who has taken a slightly more different and interesting route in life.

I'm told that I do. I don't really know myself. We're not really the same people we were years ago... I know my plans when I was 15 wouldn't fit me now, I guess the temptation is to prefer myself as I was then than now.

You mean beautiful, violent women would prefer someone who writes erotica than someone who can talk about wave-particle duality? I am so young, so ignorant...

Lawrence I am a coward.

	30-01-2005 12:22									#7
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quote: Originally posted by Whaleboy I planned it in 12 chapters and assumed I'd write between 5000 and 7000 words each... but shockingly enough I tend to be too concise!

That really is shocking - considering that your messages on Poly usually run on and on and on...

	30-01-2005 14:55									#8
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Just add in a lengthy section in which all the male characters try splaying their scrotums out across a veriety of flat and transparent surfaces. It worked for Proust.

	30-01-2005 16:53									#9
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why put a minimum on the number of words you can have per chapter?

plus i think you should have a chapter thats 3 Words : "ice donkey dildo"

	31-01-2005 04:24									#10
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quote: That really is shocking - considering that your messages on Poly usually run on and on and on...

I know! The thing is that on 'poly I tend to take a post and either dissect it per relevant sentence or paragraph, copy into word and write in a stream of consciousness (unplanned) manner. Also have this annoying tendency to annotation. When something is planned and also descriptive instead of debatey it's a different matter. I like Poe's principle of elevation and revulsion but I don't always adhere to it...

quote: Just add in a lengthy section in which all the male characters try splaying their scrotums out across a veriety of flat and transparent surfaces. It worked for Proust.

Proust

quote: why put a minimum on the number of words you can have per chapter?

Good point. I don't like being *too* structured, perhaps I gave that impression. The thing is that for a first-time novel especially, a reasonable length is considered between 70k and 110k words, give or take a scrotum splaying. I have a certain amount of content in the plot that I have to work through in a consistent and structured (storyline -> plot) way so I guess some regularity is called for. It's very very difficult for me to write anything structured that's over 4000 words without a plan of some kind. Under that number and I can blag it but without an idea of how much to do and where the text can seem off balance, which is a mistake I made with my last attempted novel.

	31-01-2005 04:28									#11
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quote: Originally posted by Lawrence of Arabia you hit outta a gravity bong yet?

my first time was hash out of a gravity bong... I was so ****ed up it was hilarious. I forgot how to use the microwave.

	31-01-2005 07:28									#12
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quote: Originally posted by Whaleboy I have a certain amount of content in the plot that I have to work through in a consistent and structured (storyline -> plot) way so I guess some regularity is called for.

Years and years ago when I was still reading the computer magazine Byte, one of the regular columnists was Jerry Pournelle. That's the Jerry Pournelle who made a living writing science fiction.

One of the interesting things about his columns was he relayed how he actually used PC in real life, as opposed to most tech columnists, who sorta just babble on in a vacuum.

At any rate, at one point he was describing how he was writing a (then) new novel. Briefly, he would spent the morning in a secluded room (no e-mail, no BBS, no chat, etc.) to review what he wrote the day before, then add 1000 words.

That doesn't seem much, but if you keep to something like that, you can complete your book in 120 days or less. You can also add some spontaneity this way.

	31-01-2005 07:34									#13
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It's a good approach indeed. It's so surprising the productivity difference as well depending on computers. I *could* write 3000 words a day easily on the PC were it not for the internet, email, forums, games etc. Half tempted to install another copy of windows or linux with a word processor and nothing else for that specific purpose. What I usually end up doing though is using notebooks and handwriting stuff, then typing it up which is a bit easier on the old grey matter. Oh god, it's so old. This is my final day of being a teenager .

	31-01-2005 07:38									#14
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quote: Originally posted by Whaleboy This is my final day of being a teenager .

Nothing wrong with that. Sounds like a good occasion to celebrate.

	31-01-2005 08:04									#15
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Yup, every day is a bad day for being a teenager, angst is that...

	31-01-2005 10:32									#16
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quote: This is my final day of being a teenager

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!!

	31-01-2005 10:42									#17
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Whaleboy, the first thing you need to do is stop dressing all in black and get some new clothes. You won't feel like a freak or be treated like a freak if you don't look like a freak.

Then get yourself some fresh air by going out around the block a bit. Maybe pick up a new hobby like jogging or something which wil get you outside on your own terms. That it would be good for your health is also a benifet.

	31-01-2005 11:30									#18
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quote: Originally posted by paramir HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!!

Not belated - coming.

	31-01-2005 14:16									#19
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Sounds messy.

	31-01-2005 14:32									#20
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Whaleboy, do you know why you have become like that?

	31-01-2005 15:39									#21
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quote: Nothing wrong with that. Sounds like a good occasion to celebrate.

Nooo! Tomorrow I will be a year closer to death. I've hated birthdays since I was 17.

quote: Whaleboy, do you know why you have become like that?

Well I've spent my time since 2001 ruining my education. Dropped out of sixth form, passed up a scholarship at one of the best schools in this part of the country, and spent most of my time at college drinking, taking drugs or womanising. I think I just lost my drive.

	31-01-2005 15:41									#22
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quote: Originally posted by Whaleboy Well I've spent my time since 2001 ruining my education. Dropped out of sixth form, passed up a scholarship at one of the best schools in this part of the country, and spent most of my time at college drinking, taking drugs or womanising. I think I just lost my drive.

And do you think that's a problem that needs to be solved?

	31-01-2005 15:45									#23
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Yah, hence anti-deps. The remnants of any drive I had are being thrown into this novel, guess I should think about retaking A levels or something.

	31-01-2005 16:01									#24
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Oh. Well then, maybe you should ponder what kind of studies will interest you enough that you can sustain the "drive" for long enough.

In my experience (I have terrible trouble keeping a "drive" for long), studies that are heavy on deadlines are better than those who let you free to organize your year however you want.

	31-01-2005 16:13									#25
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quote: Originally posted by Whaleboy Yah, hence anti-deps. The remnants of any drive I had are being thrown into this novel, guess I should think about retaking A levels or something.

My partner failed his 'A' levels due to being at boarding school and feeling isolated because of his sexuality.

One might have thought that given his excellent performance at 'O' level this would have triggered some alarm bells with teaching staff, but it was the 70s, so nobody noticed.

I'm happy to say he is now a well-adjusted happy handsome homo in gainful employment possessed of a first class brain, although he has been in a long term relationship with me since 1984, so obviously there are still some creases to be ironed out....

Remember, kiddo- as Augustine of Hippo once said:

'Do not despair- one of the thieves was saved. Do not presume- one of the thieves was damned.'

And if that quote was good enough for chuckle meister Samuel Beckett, it should be good enough for you too.

	31-01-2005 16:42									#26
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quote: And if that quote was good enough for chuckle meister Samuel Beckett, it should be good enough for you too.

I concur.

	31-01-2005 16:47									#27
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quote: Originally posted by Whaleboy I concur.

Why thank you, Mr. Spock.


Gosh.

From the leading dramatist of the Theatre of the Absurd to a television series with William Shatner, in one small bound.

Actually not so big a leap when you consider that Beckett's play 'Endgame'/'Fin de Partie' had a character called Hamm in it.

	31-01-2005 17:00									#28
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If you're planning on getting published - getting a copy of the latest "Writers and Artists Yearbook" can save you an awful lot of wasted effort...

... although I've got nothing against banging away on the keys for therapy reasons. Even if it just makes you feel better it's worth while.

Although making money from writing shouldn't do you much harm, unless you get too much too soon.

	31-01-2005 17:51									#29
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quote: From the leading dramatist of the Theatre of the Absurd to a television series with William Shatner, in one small bound.

You don't think obscene amounts of logic lends itself to amateur dramatics?

Cruddy, good advice . W&A is a good directory for agents, and I'd need an agent in order to approach big publishers. They get 50-60 new manuscripts daily, of which they'll take on maybe 8-10 new writers per year, and they'd just bin unsolicited manuscripts without reading them. Another route is smaller publishers where you'd have to pay but I'd prefer a bigger one. But I'll worry about it when I'm finished!

	01-02-2005 15:03									#30
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quote: Originally posted by Whaleboy Nooo! Tomorrow I will be a year closer to death. I've hated birthdays since I was 17.

Don't forget, life is a terminal illness.