07-02-2005 17:36									#1
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I am. It's true. I'm happy. Are you?

Just the general feeling. I guess I've been not-happy for a long time since this feel like a whole new thing. Of course the days are getting longer in here and you can sometimes catch the sun. MY stomach is full of butterflies all the time, I generally smile a lot which I never do if no reason and there's no reason usually, excited all the time, looking forward of things rather than just getting by, got lot more energy and want to keep it going on!! I'll pay man... If I can have this feeling forever, I will cut off my right ear for you. And I don't even know why.. just that.. things are getting into track, everything seems to be working for me now. No matter what I do, I seem to be succeeding at it. Plus the future looks GOOOOOOOOOOOD .

Anyways, are you happy?

	07-02-2005 17:40									#2
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no I am not.

	07-02-2005 17:41									#3
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No. I've just got to know my father lost his job, and I feel sorry for Him.
He's been working there for my entire life. And it's hard hard to find job these days.
Additionally, I fear my parents won't have enough money to afford my studies in capital anymore and with 2 studies, I don't have time for part-time job.
Damn damn damn

	07-02-2005 17:44									#4
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I feel good, despite my situation (money-wise) is not that good at the moment.

Optimism

	07-02-2005 17:46									#5
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Space, so.. what's on your way? Or is it one of those buggers that you don't know... ?

	07-02-2005 17:48									#6
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Yeah, I am. I'm in shape, I'm good looking, I'm confident. I'm doing a course I love at a university I adore in a city that gives me a new reason to stay every day. I've got a great circle of friends stretching around the world, a cute boyfriend, and I'm starting to get to know my parents as adults and real human beings.

Life is good.

	07-02-2005 17:54									#7
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Fine, now I don't feel that good anymore

	07-02-2005 17:58									#8
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quote: Space, so.. what's on your way? Or is it one of those buggers that you don't know... ?

In short, Barrow. And I am working on fixing that.

	07-02-2005 18:00									#9
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Barrow.. ?

	07-02-2005 18:16									#10
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Am I happy? Depends..! I live in a place that is way too danish to my liking, and I wont be able to afford to move out of here for at least 5 years

	07-02-2005 18:21									#11
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Am I happy? Probably not, I don't really know.....try not to think about it these days.

	07-02-2005 18:24									#12
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Verres, what are you trying to put behind or not to face? it's imrpotant to know, otherwise you live in a blur and you can't be happy.............

Adagio, and why is it that you have to live there 5 years more if it makes you unhappy?

	07-02-2005 18:27									#13
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Well, Dr Pekka, thankfully I am so practised at not facing things I no longer know.

The drug/alcohol induced blur is nice thankyou, I forgot how much I liked it.

	07-02-2005 18:30									#14
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well I'm no doctor but I just thought that what sometimes happens with people is that they have some problems or worries and they think about it too much or it's genuinely a strong player in their life so they tend to get tired of it and it all gets blurred. And that's when it becomes a problem of longterm. I don't know if this is the case with you, just a general assumption.

	07-02-2005 18:31									#15
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Yes, but only because I'm in Verres' sig

Actually, yes I am: I have a job I really like, a career that's fulfilling, a good marriage, a great kid, enough money, and my health.

But I'm 42, and it's only come together relatively recently. So if you're not happy...take heart! The best may be to come.

	07-02-2005 18:34									#16
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Right.. I thought you were 20 something . It's difficult to tell in here.. It's with 20 something people often, that they think the best times they already had... that's what I once thought for a while and that was depressing in its way.. but I was wrong.. I'm doing better all the time.. and the best days are still to come.

	07-02-2005 18:35									#17
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More or less, yes.

	07-02-2005 18:38									#18
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Generally? Very. Nice GF, lovely brand new flat, planning a nice house-warming party, going to travel, get out into life from university, plan future...

Specifically? No. I've got this stupid article I gotta write that I just don't want to get started on. Aaargh.

	07-02-2005 18:40									#19
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quote: Originally posted by Pekka Right.. I thought you were 20 something . It's difficult to tell in here.. It's with 20 something people often, that they think the best times they already had... that's what I once thought for a while and that was depressing in its way.. but I was wrong.. I'm doing better all the time.. and the best days are still to come.

There's a moment that happens -- my friends and I agree sometime between 35 and 40 -- when you understand exactly who you are. You understand your strengths but also your weaknesses, adn understand too that they are what they are, and wishing they were something different is a fool's game. At that moment, there's this incredible feeling of liberation -- liberation from all the striving, hiding, pretending, etc. -- and from that, and the acceptance that comes with it, happiness springs.

Not that I didn't love my youth; I did, and I'd scarcely do anything differently. But I wouldn't go back. Youth was a terrific road trip; but this was the desired destination, and I'm finally here.

	07-02-2005 18:43									#20
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quote: Originally posted by Pekka are you happy?

Mind your own business!

	07-02-2005 18:50									#21
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BUck, I'm kind of in the same lines as you... have a brand new single room flat (but NICE! for the rent that is), getting out of the 'slums' that I hated to live in, planning TWO house-warming parties, now I live next to my friends, they already are calling me all the time and wanting to hang out and visit me, asking me out and all nice stuff. I even got help for moving soon. I didn't live in Bronx but it was a shitty area, the cheapest and it had mostly drunks, drug addicts, social cases, mental baskets in it. I'm not even kidding man.. I've seen a needle in the hall, I've seen blood in the hall, I've seen passed out old guy in the hall, I've gotten few notes such as 'suck my dick you ****ing faggot' into my place, the storage was totally cleaned out twice last year and no one has bikes anywhere because they are a)stolen b)twisted into new modern art. No one opens doors to anyoen they don't know after 6PM or so, I've wittnessed few wifebeatings by my neighbours because the walls were not so sound proof, I've seen one 'gang' fight less than 100 meters from my balcony, and I saw the end result when this dude drove over another guy on purpose and ambulances and cops came in (didn't see the body though) etc etc.. all in one ****ing year. I've gotten people knocking on my window 2AM and demanding to get in from the front door so they can visit their friends for some nice reasons, and I have a baseball bat next to my door and it's not because I'm paranoid about it. My friends never come there, because they don't want to use the night bus away, or in. So unless they have a car of their own, they never come. So hells yeah I'm extatic to move away. I didn't even get stabbed! not once! The thing is, it's a place where people get evicted to. So if they get evicted, the social workers put them there. Good thing, it's cheap as hell, bad thing, if you mind loud noises that are not happy noises just about every night, don't come there.

So now I get to move into great part of town and my life can begin again, socially. Everyone is .. my cell phone is beeping all the time. People are so nice to me now, and everyone is congratulating getting out in one piece .

I'm done with the dealers, druggies, drunks, basket cases and whores. Well maybe not with the whores but the rest of them, so loooooooong suckers! I'm out!

I got the same space and the same rent too, so it was a mega deal. I was LUCKY with the place. YOu know. LUCKY. Just like the lottery.. odds were not great to get a place like that, but I did! It makes me happy.

And I'm looking the girl markets too myself, so we'll see, there might be a nice happy girl with me in Casa Pekka soon.. we are going to have lots of inspiring sex too.

	07-02-2005 20:14									#22
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I could use a job but I'm happy I have a new girlfriend or at least a new girl I'm dating.

	07-02-2005 20:31									#23
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quote: Originally posted by Pekka Adagio, and why is it that you have to live there 5 years more if it makes you unhappy?

Two reasons:

1) I would prefer to have some "Work-experience" (just finished school) before I move to a new place

2) Cash. I prefer to have some cash before I move, and right now I have nothing


I'm hoping it's going to be less than 5 years

	07-02-2005 20:33									#24
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quote: Originally posted by Pekka I didn't live in Bronx but it was a shitty area, the cheapest and it had mostly drunks, drug addicts, social cases, mental baskets in it. I'm not even kidding man.. I've seen a needle in the hall, I've seen blood in the hall, I've seen passed out old guy in the hall, I've gotten few notes such as 'suck my dick you ****ing faggot' into my place, the storage was totally cleaned out twice last year and no one has bikes anywhere because they are a)stolen b)twisted into new modern art. No one opens doors to anyoen they don't know after 6PM or so, I've wittnessed few wifebeatings by my neighbours because the walls were not so sound proof, I've seen one 'gang' fight less than 100 meters from my balcony, and I saw the end result when this dude drove over another guy on purpose and ambulances and cops came in (didn't see the body though) etc etc.. all in one ****ing year. I've gotten people knocking on my window 2AM and demanding to get in from the front door so they can visit their friends for some nice reasons, and I have a baseball bat next to my door and it's not because I'm paranoid about it. My friends never come there, because they don't want to use the night bus away, or in. So unless they have a car of their own, they never come. So hells yeah I'm extatic to move away. I didn't even get stabbed! not once! The thing is, it's a place where people get evicted to. So if they get evicted, the social workers put them there. Good thing, it's cheap as hell, bad thing, if you mind loud noises that are not happy noises just about every night, don't come there. So now I get to move into great part of town and my life can begin again, socially. Everyone is .. my cell phone is beeping all the time. People are so nice to me now, and everyone is congratulating getting out in one piece . I'm done with the dealers, druggies, drunks, basket cases and whores. Well maybe not with the whores but the rest of them, so loooooooong suckers! I'm out! I got the same space and the same rent too, so it was a mega deal. I was LUCKY with the place. YOu know. LUCKY. Just like the lottery.. odds were not great to get a place like that, but I did! It makes me happy.

Sounds like YO-kylä in Turku...

I've lived in a few places like that. Actually, all the flats I ever lived in had some of those neighbourhood problems. But now I live in a 400 m2 house on a lake, and I have new problems. Energy bills is the top one. If I still lived in a slum flat, and earned the salary I have today, I would afford annual 4-week luxury holidays at 5-star hotels. Now I'm stuck in my house, and can't afford to travel.

But am I lucky? Yes!

	07-02-2005 21:08									#25
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Nah, not YO-kylä.. that's a damn paradise compared to where I lived. I mean sure, that's a place that has.. lot of partying people but it's not dangerous. Only students.

	07-02-2005 21:11									#26
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I am happy
Its weird though, one of my best friends died this week, skiing.
It was my first experience with death (funeral are later today...)
It confirmed me that indeed I am happy.
Its hard to explainéà.

	07-02-2005 21:14									#27
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No not happy, I haven't been happy for a long time. Only for short periods of time like when my team won the championship. Hopefully my new antidepressant will get me on the right track, otherwise it's back to angst, loneliness and depression.

	07-02-2005 21:46									#28
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A month ago, no.

Six months ago, hell no.

Eighteen months ago, hell yes.

Right now, yep.

	07-02-2005 21:50									#29
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I should be.

But I'm not.

Working on fixing it.

I pretty sure it will all turn out alright.

But then, i worry too much.

	07-02-2005 22:10									#30
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Ok, I'm not happy any more.


I just spent the morning putting away some work, and man, the vault in the gallery here gives me nightmares. So little space. So much that has no place to fit. So much damaged work. So much not being stored properly.

I open the door, and the first things I see is an open canvas painting leaning on the floor looking up at me, less than a foot from my toes, and something wrapped up in foam and bristleboard with "Fragile" written on it leaning across the breadth of the hallway.


EDIT: And I have a night course tonight, which I'm really looking forward too, but I feel kinda like **** now which makes me feel even shittier because I'm not at my best for the course.