27-02-2005 22:36									#1
	I need help: lost in life...... Tired of ads?

I should introduce myself:

I'm 20 years old, currently taking a break from school for a year after 2 years of engineering science at university of toronto. I am currently living in Taiwan with my parents.

I was born in Taiwan, move around the country for most of my childhood, excluding grade 3-4, which I studied in the United States. I then moved to Vancouver, Canada, since the second half of grade 9, living with my mom for the most part. I then moved to Toronto for university.

My problem:

Well it really isn't a singular problem, but just a completely messed up life. Since I'm not so good at descriptions anyway, I'll post a comic that kinda reflects my life
http://mangainc.com/archives/cat_nhk_ni_youkoso.html
Just download chapter 1 and you should get the general idea. I'm not a comic character so I'm not so dramatic, as I do not express insanity (directly anyway, even if my mind is going all over the place) nor do I do drugs and hallucinate....or even drink

But nonetheless, I've lived two years in near total seclusion, and much social phobia. It is not that social interaction is impossible, just very difficult and it is almost impossible for me to do many things without overwhelming pressure. Without it, things gets procastinated on the order of years, like applying for an health card. (procastinated 2 years and counting)

There is also all the other crap that comes with it, depression, suicidal thoughts, and difficulty dealing with everyday life. (let alone effectively 6 calculus courses all the time and the problems of moving out from home for the first time)

Knowing that I'm self destructing at an alarming rate, I packed up and get back home. While this solve no problems whatsoever, at least I won't screw my physical health over completely, and I'm less likely to kill myself.

Aside from that, I've kinda given up seriously trying anything in real life to change anything. I have no real idea on what to do anyway, as everything just seems too messed up to sort out. Things I'd do all lie in the extremely easy and safe things, like posting on the internet. Seeking professional help is difficult obviously, and it has not been wholely untried.

..........and at this point, I don't know what to add.

	27-02-2005 22:51									#2
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well, if you are an america citizen

www.peacecorps.org

maybe two and half years in the bush will give you perspective, help you grow, and motivate you.

	27-02-2005 23:01									#3
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Moron, are you on any medication?

	27-02-2005 23:26									#4
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I can kind of relate.


What are the things you would do... besides posting on the internet? Your ideals, philosphies, or concepts of happines. Find something that is comforting, or reafirming, and follow it. Don't do anything becuase you feel that you need to. I find that for me, that is the msot overwhelming and oppresive feeling in my life - societal expectations. Don't be afraid to be different, unusual, or to strive for something that no one else seems to. (there's always someone else who does, though.)

Social phobia can be hard to deal with at times, but try remembering that what you say is just words, and what other people think ultimately can't be known or guessed by you, and doesn't always matter anyways. I know that I often stress and panic about interactions I have with people that are, in later reflection, so insignifigant that I'm the only person who would ever remember them, anyways. The times that I am most at ease are when I go into a situation thinking along the lines of "there's nothing to lose" .

	28-02-2005 00:00									#5
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I can't help you there, I suffer from the same problems . I haven't found a solution.

But there are jobs out there that don't require much social interaction. They aren't great jobs. But it still feels good to do something. Sitting around the house does no good.

	28-02-2005 00:32									#6
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Where in Taiwan are you now?

	28-02-2005 00:49									#7
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I've long suspected that the single most effective remedy for social phobia is beer. Go join a club and suggest grabbing a quick drink at the end of it.

	28-02-2005 00:58									#8
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quote: Originally posted by Lazarus and the Gimp I've long suspected that the single most effective remedy for social phobia is beer. Go join a club and suggest grabbing a quick drink at the end of it.

yeah it gave me a drinking problem. . NOw I have 2 problems in my life.

	28-02-2005 01:15									#9
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I take it you wish to cure your social phobia. Is it for the sake of principle (an abstract belief that curing it would improve your life, but nothing really that urgent)? Or do you really concretely strive to change things?

These questions are maybe a bit obscure , so here is something that might help understanding them. I personally am slightly fat. Nothing alarming. I know I should go on a diet and do sports, and I sometimes make a token effort to that effect. It would be nice if I was more fit, but I won't bother any significantly changing my lifestyle, because I can't be arsed.

Is it the same for you? Can you be bothered making a real effort at changing your social phobia? Or do you feel you have it good enough so that you're not motivated to make real hard efforts?

This question is nothing personal, because I don't know you. It's nothing judgmental either, because it's neither "bad" or "good" to have some extent of motivation. But it can help us Polypeople giving you more adequate advice.

	28-02-2005 02:09									#10
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quote: Originally posted by Lawrence of Arabia well, if you are an america citizen www.peacecorps.org maybe two and half years in the bush will give you perspective, help you grow, and motivate you.

Bad idea. Peace Corps volunteers are pretty much guarnteed to be put on an anti-malarial regime (I forgot its name... mef or something). There are side effects that a certain percentage of people will get including hallucinations. There are cases in which people have killed themselves due to halluincations and emotional changes caused by mef.

I remember I had some nasty dreams in which I thought I was being ate alive by bugs and spiders. Fortunately for me that was it. Some people have jumped out a window several stories high fleeing from something they hallucinated.

IIRC only US government approve this drug - no other country on this planet would force their employees or whatever to take this.

	28-02-2005 02:10									#11
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Moron - go get some counseling. That's the only meaningful advice I can offer. Good luck and I do wish you best.

	28-02-2005 02:28									#12
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I believe Taiwan has a national health care system so you should be able to speak to someone trained to help people with social anxiety. Is there something you enjoy doing as a hobby? I ask because if you would like to get out more then it might ease your mind a bit if you were doing something you enjoy.

	28-02-2005 02:34									#13
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IIRC, Chinese culture doesn't view mental illness very well.

	28-02-2005 02:40									#14
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quote: Originally posted by chegitz guevara IIRC, Chinese culture doesn't view mental illness very well.

neither does the U.S.

	28-02-2005 02:50									#15
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quote: Originally posted by Oerdin Is there something you enjoy doing as a hobby? I ask because if you would like to get out more then it might ease your mind a bit if you were doing something you enjoy.

Yes, that can be good.

For me it was walking (after 'inheriting' a dog from my sister) and then gardening, and then volounteering, and then bike riding, and then ceramics (something that I might actually be able to make a meager living with).


Each "hobby" lead to another in one way or another. When I first started walking the dog, I had no interest in any of that. I rarely left the house - volounteering was a foreign concept to me. I'd given away my bike years before. I laughed at the idea of gardening and I wouldn't even contemplate doing ceramics, despite having someone suggest to me that I'd probably enjoy pottery.

	28-02-2005 02:52									#16
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quote: Originally posted by Dissident neither does the U.S.

Depends what kind of mental illness. Some are even glorified.

	28-02-2005 03:00									#17
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quote: Originally posted by General Ludd Depends what kind of mental illness. Some are even glorified.

only by hollywood celebrities.

	28-02-2005 03:16									#18
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Go and see a psy. If this messing up, suicidal thoughts came around late teens you might be schizophrenic, which is a quite common illness, and if os a psy may help you (there are some medications that can be effective in order to avoid delusional and suicidal thoughts, which let you have a social life).

	28-02-2005 03:41									#19
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Ludd, I'm glad to hear you found something you enjoy.

	28-02-2005 07:40									#20
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quote: Originally posted by Dissident neither does the U.S.

That is somewhat a result of the residual blank slatism the pervades our society from back when having a mental illness like shizophrenia, ADHD, etc. ment you had bad parents instead of bad genes like we know today.


MORON, don't waste you time with the psychologists who try to cure you with having you tell your life story relaxing on a couch (psychoanalysis), that is just Fruedian crap used to rip you off.

	28-02-2005 08:05									#21
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Dont go through engineering, your job will be outsourced to india eventually.
If you want to keep working with computer technologies I suggest going back to school with a geography major. Take GIS classes (cartography on a computer basically). My college, San Jose State University, often gets asked to provide GIS interns to NASA (south of San jose). GIS is nearly garuanteed job security too. work for army, navy, nasa (even in the astrobiology section too). i think starting pay is around 45000


most importantly: GO BACK TO COLLEGE AND JOIN A COMMUNITY SERVICE FRAT
one example would be alpha phi omega

	28-02-2005 08:25									#22
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quote: Originally posted by Odin MORON, don't waste you time with the psychologists who try to cure you with having you tell your life story relaxing on a couch (psychoanalysis), that is just Fruedian crap used to rip you off.

Personally, I've never been one for psychologists (Haven't seen one since I was a kid ), but if they can get someone with a social anxiety to relax on a couch and open up and tell them their life story, they've already done quite alot. It can be good just to have someone to talk to and presumably a phsycologist is more likely to be able to give you meaningful feed back or encouragement. But you'd have to find one that you you comfortable with, and that can understand where you're coming from... I know that not just any phsycologist will work - perhaps some are just bad at what they do, or perhaps it's a matter of how they relate to the individual.


My only advice in this area would be to avoid medication, and don't turn to alcohol and drugs to 'loosen you up'. What good is any of it if you're not you anymore?


Oh, and have you seen this flash cartoon?

	28-02-2005 10:12									#23
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[quote=General Ludd]What are the things you would do... besides posting on the internet? Your ideals, philosphies, or concepts of happines. Find something that is comforting, or reafirming, and follow it. Don't do anything becuase you feel that you need to. [/quote]
Well, there are things I'd do, but nothing really make me significantly happier (and last longer than the duration of the activity itself anyway), but it merely passes time without making life obviously painful. I realize that I really have effectively infinite number of choices avaible in life, but it doesn't really help me decide.

[quote=spiffor]I take it you wish to cure your social phobia. Is it for the sake of principle (an abstract belief that curing it would improve your life, but nothing really that urgent)? Or do you really concretely strive to change things? [/quote]
For the sake of principle, if we are talking about action and motivation. However it is also absolutely necessary in the long run. There were times that I can't do anything but think about killing myself all day. I guess when someone is effectively useless, even pain and misery don't mean much.

Nowadays I just can't do much more than short term pleasure seeking and distracting myself. The rest is just too miserable, sometimes merely thinking about them.

Going out into society is obviously very painful in the short term. And solutions to social phobia is also abstract and theoretical as well, so I guess my actions somewhat reflects.

I've always been largely a loner though. Spending a average of no more than 2 years for any school, sometimes disjointed by a continent didn't help. Nor is having bad experiences dealing with people since....preschool, and being completely intimidated by my dad. (including now)

Well, my social phobia had different severity in different sistuations. My biggest problems are dealing with authority (with obvious cause) and with people that knows me. I just don't care about strangers enough to be that scared of them, but when I know that people knows me, I know that they remember and things actually count.

I have no ideas on how to interact with people as the rules are ambigous if not non-existent and I don't really have much experience about the whole thing. Being too self aware most of the time means that I'm not really observent and trying to pay attention is difficult due to lack of focus. It is not that I'm overtly hostile, but merely that I distance people really quickly, since dealing with people is stressful.

I don't know what is this "relationship between people" thingy that people talk about. I have no idea what, say, "friendship" really is.

It is the unknown, and I guess it is not too strange to be scared of the unknown......
-------------
drugs, psychologists: I don't want to take anything more mind altering the coffee. As for psychologists, that is possible but finding one would be difficult.

	28-02-2005 10:25									#24
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Well, I have never experienced such social problems as yours, so I can't give any good advice as how to overcome them.

However, I strongly suggest that once you have found a course of action (a good advice from 'Poly, or something from a councellor etc), you remain disciplined in following that course. If you don't force yourself to do the daily routine that will be needed to change things, you will slouch your opportunity away.

When you want to reach a goal, and when you can't achieve that goal because of an insufficient discipline, it further hurts your self-esteem. The feeling of uselessness is worse than before (in this area, I can speak of experience)

	28-02-2005 10:29									#25
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quote: Knowing that I'm self destructing at an alarming rate, I packed up and get back home. While this solve no problems whatsoever, at least I won't screw my physical health over completely, and I'm less likely to kill myself.

Sometimes the answer isn't to SOLVE the problem, but to make so they stop getting worse. This is what living at home will do for you, to give you time.

I spent 2 months back home for this specific reason, living down in Vancouver the summer before the last wasn't working out, and when I went home I managed to find a job and things improved enough for me to return to school in the fall.

There's nothing shameful with doing what you've done, and it takes courage to go back and recover.

	28-02-2005 10:31									#26
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you don't need to overcome social problems, just ignore them as I do .

there are jobs where you don't have to deal with authority. I hate supervisors and bosses. I'm a good worker, and I know I'm a good worker. But I hate bosses critiqing my work.

	28-02-2005 10:37									#27
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quote: Nowadays I just can't do much more than short term pleasure seeking and distracting myself. The rest is just too miserable, sometimes merely thinking about them.

Eventually, this won't work either. The things that are pleasureable will no longer seem so.

quote: Going out into society is obviously very painful in the short term. And solutions to social phobia is also abstract and theoretical as well, so I guess my actions somewhat reflects.

Abstract? Just see more people every day. Force yourself to do something social. It doesn't have to be a BIG change, just a bit more every day.

quote: I've always been largely a loner though. Spending a average of no more than 2 years for any school, sometimes disjointed by a continent didn't help. Nor is having bad experiences dealing with people since....preschool, and being completely intimidated by my dad. (including now)

And the only way this is going to get better is to stop thinking about the abstract, and to work on the concrete. What can you do today to spend more time in the company of others?

quote: drugs, psychologists: I don't want to take anything more mind altering the coffee. As for psychologists, that is possible but finding one would be difficult.

Counsellors will work too. They give you a chance for 'safe' social interaction of a sort.

I agree with you about the drugs. They won't correct the underlying problem.

However, how are you doing physically? Are you eating properly now that you are home? How much are you sleeping each night? Do you find yourself lacking physical energy to do things?

	28-02-2005 10:49									#28
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MORON, just feel better.

	28-02-2005 10:58									#29
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Follow Ted Striker's life changing steps and you will be better in no time flat:

1) GET TO A COUNSELOR NOW

DON'T WALK, RUN

2) Sign up and do volunteer work somewhere

3) Get into the weightroom


Most important is #1. A combination of 2 and 3 will turn you into a CHAMPION.

Don't take my advice lightly. IT WORKS.

	28-02-2005 13:02									#30
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Do you like dogs? If so, get a dog. Dogs are great for such a situation. Play with the dog. Train the dog. Take it out for a walk everyday. Focus on the dog, so you don't have to pay attention to others around you. In due time you will feel better.