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Whaleboy
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Please make all cheques payable to Whaleboy
Jan 2003
time: 05:17
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Well this Easter has royally sucked. My mum had to have an operation on her back last week so we (grandmother, myself, older younger brothers) had to keep the house going and look after my youngest brother. She started an argument over some cold soup, which was fine - she's bed-bound, what do you expect? Somehow that turned into a discussion about how I'm so lazy because I didn't do a couple of specific things she asked like vacuum the stairs or clean a toilet floor, despite everything else... again fine because she couldn't have seen what I had done. Went out to see my friend, came back and it turns out she's still livid. She's not the most stable woman on the planet... ill or no an ounce of criticism becomes a personal attack that makes Asher and Agathon look like rampant soulmates. The story of her borderline insanity is long, sad and unfortunate... no-one blames her even though she's made our lives hell the last few years, we just see it as inevitable and trying to keep the best karmas we can.
Anyway it turns out that she and her mother had had an argument as I left, nan said something like "three down, one to go", referring to two of my brothers that she had already driven to live at my dads, and myself who isn't exactly under her thumb. Mum flipped, got up and started pushing nan, threw her lunch all over her and down the stairs (hmmm some back operation), leaving my 82 year old grandmother to scrub on her hands and knees. She'd even kicked her out of the house but she didn't go because she was looking after my 7 year old brother, I was out in town by this stage.
Anyway I get back about three hours later to find nan shaking and I made her some tea and lunch and sent her home to chill out while I took care of Aaron. Half an hour later, mums boyfriend shows up. I'm no fan of him; let me put it like that. He's belligerent, aggressive, simple minded and very, very ugly. Also he's 14 years her senior  . My sympathy for him was helped by him brutally dumping my mother in November (they subsequently got back together just after xmas). I think he sees me as an obstacle to him moving in because I would never accept another father figure. Whatever my personal feels, he makes mum happy so we're all prepared to accept their relationship, but that can go too far and start interfering with the children which I think is crossing a line - one father is more than enough. He has had two failed marriages and two adult sons who aren't exactly the epitome of happiness and success... it's safe to assume that he should have learned from his mistakes by now. My dads girlfriend on the other hand is kept somewhat separate from us... we all get on very well with her but when things get bad she stays out of the way and it's dad that deals with us... the best solution would be something like that because that way we could all coexist. Not likely now as I'll say later;
Anyway he gets in and I said that mum's upstairs. He said he knew and that I was "****ing out of order" and various expletives and threats of violence to me in front of my 7 year old brother. I don't give a damn about how unfortunate his own upbringing was; as far as I'm concerned you do not act as though violence and aggression is ok when you're in front of an impressionable kid.
I was still with Aaron when Brian went upstairs to see mum, teaching the kid how to play poker. I get a call to come upstairs. I do, I get told that I've been "bullying" mum (apparently she uses that term to mean anything from disagreement to assertiveness over my own life), that I've been "taking the piss" (i.e., not doing specific chores never mind what else I've been doing) and the rest of it. I reply that we're just arguing over cold soup and try to walk away, then her boyfriend starts threatening violence again and getting aggressive, calls me everything under the sun and takes an aggressive posture. I assumed a similar posture and then smiled homosexually. I went into my room, called the police, and then went to my dads.
I've been staying at dads since (this was Friday), it turns out that the police arrived and they managed to make them sympathetic and they left (after all it was my word against theirs) but I called the police to show Aaron that Brian should be accountable for his aggression and that it wasn't acceptable behaviour. To see him submit to a higher authority I thought would be healthy for Aaron.
The next day, mum and Brian ran off with my 7 year old brother. My father is legally entitled to know his whereabouts but mum refused to tell him, apparently calling him a bully and a wife beater (the only incidents of violence in their 18 year marriage were him pushing her away when she came at him with knives and the like, she's done the same with me and I've had to grab her hand and push her away as well). We were all really concerned about him, called the police again who called mums mobile and turns out that she and Aaron were ok. We haven't had contact since, I don't know if they're home and I wont be happy until I see Aaron. I just think its really out of order to just take flight like that... it solves absolutely nothing and it causes more harm than good. My fear is that she wants to start a new family unit with herself, Brian and Aaron, cutting out his father and his brothers. Most of all I'm just scared for the two of them because though I know they'd never intentionally hurt Aaron (she threatened dad that she'd harm her kids once a couple years ago but that never repeated itself and she retracted that threat), she's mentally unstable and her back can't be too great with all this moving around... so there's the question of diminished responsibility.
So we've basically all been here, more or less helpless, discussing the causes of this and the ins and outs of mums upbringing that led her to behave like this... and how wonderful it would be to thrust the card of a shrink in her hand without getting our heads bitten off. In reality there's nothing we can do except try to persuade Dad to get broadband and keep Nan and the extended family in the loop about what's happening (fortunately for us both the extended family and dad himself have been wonderful through this).
I just don't know how this is going to play out in the long term except that for the moment my access to the internet is spurious at best.
/Pekka
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Pekka
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em seu burro dos pais!
Feb 2002
time: 07:17
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" He said he knew and that I was "****ing out of order" and various expletives and threats of violence to me in front of my 7 year old brother. I don't give a damn about how unfortunate his own upbringing was; as far as I'm concerned you do not act as though violence and aggression is ok when you're in front of an impressionable kid."
Who does this chump think he is? Coming to your house, threatning you, talking to you like he rules you? You should have trashed him right there, not letting him get out of the room even. Break the guy in half and turn his face into jello and marmelade.
" then her boyfriend starts threatening violence again and getting aggressive, calls me everything under the sun and takes an aggressive posture. I assumed a similar posture and then smiled homosexually. I went into my room, called the police, and then went to my dads."
You did OK by calling the cops and going to your dads. However, this will not teach him. This will force your mother to side with him a bit more, even though she wouldn't side against you guys. However, the ****er will keep talking trash, he will get more arrogant as result of this. You should have taken him out cold. Beat him up very properly. HOWEVER not in front of your mom. You could even surprise him by knocking him down from behind with a shovle or bat or something.
"My fear is that she wants to start a new family unit with herself, Brian and Aaron, cutting out his father and his brothers."
Without knowing your family more than you just posted, I feel this is what's happening as well. They think that you can't be handled, considering your 'rebellion', but your little brother can be still managed, so you're out. This is not necessarily true, but that's what I thought first.
"I know they'd never intentionally hurt Aaron (she threatened dad that she'd harm her kids once a couple years ago but that never repeated itself and she retracted that threat),"
Even though this would never become reality, which is likely it won't, you do realize this is highly unusual threat. And quite alarming, as far as what's going on with her goes. Why would she think of that, even in the level of just countering some threat etc.. it's very unusual type of threat.
"No you did the right thing by not hitting him. That would only make things worse between you and your mom unfortunately."
No, not if you kick the butt hard enough, and outside others eyes. THe man can't tell it to other people he got his ass handed, if you make it embarrasing enough, and threatning enough that you can do it again and kill him. Doing it properly will teach him respect, and on the other hand making him realize not to cross you again like that.
However there are risks involved. SO this is not my advice to you. I would never advice anyone to physically attack someone else. But it might come down to that even if you want it or not, so if I were you, I would prepare for it, and be ready if it happens and not feel any mercy for this guy.
It seems to me that you are coping very well with this stuff, but you are kind of most worried about your brother. I don't know, maybe you are the one to protect your brother and keep him safe of any harm at this stage of his life, when there is so much unstability around him.
But remember, violence can turn things worse in 90% of cases. It needs to be done properly, and minimizing the outcome of unwanted things beforehand, and there are still wild cards in the hands of people you can't control. A person can die from one punch for example. That's how it is. Or they can turn into maniacs once you knock them, biting, goign GRrrHE MUrrUR and trying to choke you. They might call the cops instead. What ever, but all I'm saying is, what ever you're going to do, think it through, and it should be preffered that what you do won't close all the doors, meaning you don't want to burn all the bridges at once.
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Whaleboy
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Please make all cheques payable to Whaleboy
Jan 2003
time: 05:17
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Thanks everyone
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Jeez. Is the boyfriend really big? At your age you should easily be able to take such an old guy.
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Like Kid said, it would probably do me more harm than good if I had hit him, though believe me it was tempting.
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Just from reading your post I get the feeling that your mom made your dad the scapegoat for her unhappiness, and since he's been gone you are now her scapegoat. Is that right? If so, that's a bad situation for you and I would get out of it no matter what you have to do. That kind of situation can mess you up, and you may have issues to deal with way down the line.
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Yeh pretty much. Trouble is that she lives on conflict. I don't think she consciously knows it but she usually finds it... dad, her mum, me, my older younger brothers etc... and inevitably Brian given time.
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You could even surprise him by knocking him down from behind with a shovle or bat or something.
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As much as I'd like to, I'm really not a violent person... I could probably take him down but I think it would make things worse... frankly I don't really give a **** about him, if he wants to act like a *****, let him. I care about my mum and I love my mum but I think I just have to back off and let it be... my main concern is for my lil brother and I don't think that hitting Brian would help... cos then they'll just tell him what an awful person I am and all the rest of it which will mess him up in the long run. I just want him to be ok and not to be used as cannon fodder I guess?
Last edited by Whaleboy on 29-03-2005 at 15:54
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28-03-2005 19:16
. Sorry, I shouldn't joke. I know it sucks. I just thank god I'm grown up and don't have to go back being a kid. It sucks when you are young and you have to witness that stuff. I'm just so glad to be free of that stuff. Independence rules. 
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