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Jules
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Chairman & CEO, Dallas Oil Company
Jul 2001
time: 00:17
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Poly Banana Cinema presents
A Spam-Nut Films production
MarkG’s shuttle approaches Planet Apolyton, flanked by fighter escort. Even from orbit, the planet looks a lot darker and gloomier than in Episode I.
Flashback sequence of Datajack the Sage attempting to seduce his former apprentice, a young Ben Kenobi…
DATAJACK: Homosexuality is a pathway to many pleasures. Some consider it to be unnatural.
BEN: (ignorantly intrigued) Is it possible to experience such pleasure?
DATAJACK: (smiles knowingly) Not with your wife!
Back to the present. Prince Lonestar convenes a meeting of the High Council of the Evil Capitalist Conservatives to resolve the Che-ga Fett situation.
LONESTAR: I’m pleased to make DR an honorary member of the AECCP!
The Council applauds. DR rises to accept the prince’s offer, an evil looking grin on his face. A few moments later, after introducing his research director Dr. Strangelove…
DR: Dr. Strangelove?
Dr. STRANGELOVE: Send in the gay-bots!
[The gay-bots are mechanical copies of hot studs such as Judd Law, Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, Russell Crowe, and Orlando Bloom. They are designed to be irresistible, even to the fearsome Gaylactic Storm Cadets.]
The Pride Star enters orbit around Planet Falwell. President Starchild prances into Grand Admiral Gudunov’s quarters. The room is filled with holographic projections of Norman Rockwell paintings.
BORIS: Learn about art, Queen President.
STARCHILD: Yeah, but aren’t we just gonna blast ‘em with the Pride Ray?
BORIS: Good point!
Song and dance number where the gay-bots, stripped down to their undies, invite the AECCP Council to join them in doing the YMCA.
Planet Apolyton. Key Resistance personnel are gathered in Administrator MarkG’s office (including Chief of Strategy Solver, Commodore Ming, Marshall DAVOUT, and Master Imran).
SOLVER: (slams his fist down on MarkG’s desk) The Polyverse is in chaos!
A large display screen on the wall shows the prototype design for the banning rod. Imran gives MarkG and Ming a suspicious look.
Lonestar consults with the other Evil Capitalists.
DANS: Very dangerous putting him [DR] in charge of the war. I don’t trust him!
A whole bunch of scenes strung together showing DR scarfing down shot after shot of Wild Turkey, looking evil.
DR: (drunken fascist rant) History tells us that leftism is the battering ram of fascism.
Trotsky I zooms through space. Inside the cockpit, Che-ga Fett has a steely-eyed expression on his face as he obliterates the Capitalist fleet orbiting Fubutooine. His sidekick, Kidicious, is strapped into his child-safety seat munching on a baggie full of cheerios and playing with his Duplo-lego blocks. “Woke Up This Morning” by Alabama 3 blares in the cabin.
KID: Get ‘em, Che! Get ‘em!
More explosions!
Lonestar’s flagship, the $SS “Scared Kitty,” already heavily damaged, takes a salvo of rockets from Trotsky I. Big explosion. The ship is torn in half.
Che and Kid give each other a high-five. Kid spits up his cheerios.
CHE-GA: This is the last time I take you along with me to work!
KID: (burp)
DanS and company make a shocking discovery.
DR: (more drunken ranting) Learn to manipulate the conflict between left and right, and you will achieve ultimate power!
The Pride Star opens fire on Planet Falwell.
DanS enters DR’s office, flanked by a squad of armed guards.
DANS: You’re under arrest, DR.
DR: I think not, my dear DanS. I rule the AECCP now!
On cue, a shadowy figure leaps out from behind DR’s chair and lunges at the intruders, a blood red lightsaber blade aimed at DanS’s neck. It will all be over soon….
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Jules
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Chairman & CEO, Dallas Oil Company
Jul 2001
time: 00:17
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Jerry Falwell is giving a sermon about the evils of cross-dressing just as the planet is struck by the Pride Ray, turning him into sweet transvestite Tim Curry in “The Rocky Horror Picture Show.” The choir suddenly breaks into “let’s do the time warp again!”
…
The Battle of Fabio 359. Thousands of Imperial and Resistance starships converge to fight the biggest, baddest space battle ever.
Six Resistance fighters on a bombing run against the Imperial flagship, “I’m Super, Thanks for Asking!”, dodging point-defense fire the whole way.
General Mono Solo and Ted Striker face off against Darth Redfern on the bridge of the Imperial flagship.
Different part of the same ship. Dialectical Division commandos KrazyHorse, SlowwHand, Sava, and Chris 62 exchange blaster fire with Gaylactic Storm Cadets in a desperate attempt to rescue Princess BlackWidow.
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Ben Kenobi struggles through a sandstorm on Fubutooine. He senses the evil presence of Datajack the Sage growing ever closer.
At the outskirts of New Dallas on Fubutooine, Asher-P0 and UR-D2 find a strip club called Diss’s Place (run by Dissident obviously). UR quivers with delight as a pair of Asian chicks give him a personal lap dance. Asher is annoyed.
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Tiamat leads the “Last Charge of the Dragons” against the Pride Star.
Commodore Ming barks orders on the bridge of the Resistance flagship during the assault on the Pride Star. Smoke and flames are everywhere.
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Planet Newsmaxia. More Dialectical Division commandos—MtG, Berzerker, Azazel, DinoDoc, and Master Imran—track a group of Gaylactic Storm Cadets across the plains of Heterohan (aka, “Home of the Angry White Male”). DinoDoc reveals his fondest wish is to run a coffee shop someday when the wars are over.
King Lincoln rallies the Heterohirim at a crucial moment during the Battle of Jesse Helms’ Deep. Commander Blackice falls off his speeder bike.
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Apolyton Time is 00:17. |
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