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The El
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Untitled
A Story by El
My day had gone perfectly until I got home. I rushed to the bathroom, having held my piss for what seemed to be an eternity, only to be shocked by my own reflection. A grotesque booger hung idly from the tip of the left nostril of my nose. And then, the thought of none of my employees bothering to inform me of this repairable blemish angered me. People are diplomatic to a fault.
That day, I went to work and received nothing but compliments. My receptionist, a full-figured black woman with an antiquated Jerry Curl, sat at the front desk of the office manning the phones. She spent most of her time on personal calls, but I never worked up the courage to reprimand or fire her. She was overly coquettish and hypocritically religious.
“Morning,” I said, greeting her as I walked in the door.
She finished up her call and immediately began her daily routine of kissing my ass. “Why, good morning, sir! Looking spectacular today, as usual!”
There’s something about compliments, no matter how superficial and banal they may be, that manages to grab our attention. By the rules of etiquette, I was obligated to reciprocate her kind words with a vain remark of my own, and so I did.
“That’s a nice shirt you have on.”
She blushed. “Really?” (No.) “You think so?” (Yeah right!)
“Sure,” I told her.
And this was my typical workday: asskissers kissing ass with their empty compliments and trivial small talk.
Right then, my intern entered the office. We had a new intern every three months or so. In the past, they had been great. But this guy was really a dick. He was chronically late and had to be the most opportunistic aspiring politician I ever met. Thought interning for a US Senator would land his foot right in the door, probably. Poor guy. In his entire stay, he never even got to meet the Senator. As Chief of Staff, I was his boss.
“Good morning, sir! Great morning! Another great day, as usual!”
Overemphasizing the u in usual, a thing my receptionist started, caught on around the office. It was so irritating.
My intern said, “Is that a new haircut ya got there? Looks awesome, sir!”
“Well,” I said, “thank you, young man. I hear you’ve been doing a fine job around here.” (Not really.) “Keep up the good work.” (Wouldn’t count on a good letter of recommendation from me!)
One of my staffers interrupted. The Senator was on the line. I entered my office for the first time that day, answering the phone.
I said, “Good morning, sir! … Yeah… Alright, sir… Okay! Have a great day, sir! Knock ‘em dead on the floor, as usual! … Okay, bye!”
I hung up the phone, disappointed with myself, refusing to acknowledge that I, too, sometimes played the role of a yes-man. In less than one minute, I had outsirred my entire staff.
Looking in the mirror as I picked my nose, my staffers’ compliments filled my head simultaneously. “Nice shirt,” “nice haircut,” “looking spectacular,” “great smile,” “cool shoes,” “neat belt,” and more! All this, and no one dared say what I needed to hear the most... “Nice booger.” I hadn’t been the most forthcoming in airing my grievances with my employees either. It was then that I resolved to never again place sugarcoated diplomacy before tactful honesty.
The next day, I scolded my receptionist and fired my intern. My staffers have considered me an a$shole ever since.
Last edited by The El on 22-04-2005 at 21:18
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22-04-2005 11:02
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