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Master Zen
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of naughty
Jan 2003
time: 23:35
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The Glory of News
All the News thats unfit to print
1380 AD
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BREAKING NEWS
Massive GS fleet lost
Mysterious Abilene Triangle likely culprit
GIBRALTAR, LEGOLAND - A massive Stormian fleet send to invade Legoland was mysteriously lost without trace off the coast of Legoland leaving citizens and experts alike baffled. News of the occurance was obtained via transmissions to Fleet Headquarters captured by GoW and ND radio stations. "It was horrible" said a former radio operator in Hurricane "there were screams, explosions, and then silence. That's when we lost them, we never received a transmission again". Initial suspicion rested on a series of nuclear tests performed by ND's Strategic Rocket Forces off the coast of Gibraltar but this was quickly denied by the Demogyptican government. "Impossible", claimed ND leader zeri, "our nukes are never that accurate. We had targeted GoW and now Stormia is destroyed, you honestly think we could've hit a ship?"
A group of experts have laid the blame on the mysterious "Abilene Triangle", a strech of sea which roughly coveres the former Abilene-Quanto Mechanico area, site of many naval battles during the Lego War and which is supposedly haunted by the ghost fleets of Lego sailors. At the helm of this fleet, the Ghost Pirate Le Zargon rumored to be back from the dead and with a score to settle with the Stormians. "Local fisherman are terrified of sailing too far from port at night" explained Governor Abu of Gibraltar, "I have seen pictures of the ships but how they managed to sink an entire GS armada is beyond me. I think they died of fright at such ghostly apparations".
The flagship of Le Zargon's ghost fleet
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SCIENCE NEWS
Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence a failure
No intelligent life found in space nor in GoW
TRAFALGAR, GoW - After a 5-year program using the latest in space scanning equipment, the SETI Commission in Trafalgar made public its findings in a news conference at the Museum of Science and Industry. News of no finding of intelligent life came as a complete shock to millions who expected at least some remote evidence of alien life forms existing in our galaxy. "We understand it was a major disappointment" said lead scientist Dr. Drunkenstein "hopefully in the future we may obtain more favorable results". In another surprise news, it was also said that no intelligent life forms were found in The Glory of War. "Interestingly enough, we scanned the world and intelligent life was only found on Legoland, Stormia and southern Bob. I wonder if this has to do with the national IQ level?" The report indicated that Eastern GoW had the IQ level of a guinea pig, Western GoW had the IQ level of a tunafish, and the Imperial Palace had the IQ of a retarded fungus.
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MILITARY NEWS
Eye of the Storm captured
Mishandling of Hoover Dam floods city
EYE OF THE STORM, GS - Excited by capturing the last bastion of Stormian resistance, GoW troops mishandled the operation of the Hoover Dam resulting in a massive flood which wiped out most of the city. "It was a technical mistake" said Capt. Screwball of the Imperial Corps of Engineers, "our boys, you know, moved the wrong dials and everything went to hell!". When asked if the engineers were trained in the operation of dams of this complexity, the Captain replied "Of course! well, not really, um, ok, perhaps if you put it that way. See, we don't have hydroelectric plants in GoW, all we have are just millions of hamster wheels to generate our electricity, it's rather simpler over there." GoW troops mentioned that not only the complexity but the language was impossible to understand. "If the gauges and switches had been written in Old Stormian, we probably wouldn't have messed up" said one Army Engineer "but they were in 1337-speak, I mean what the bloody hell is 't3h oMfG 1337 pr355ur3 \/41\/3'?"
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TECHNOLOGY NEWS
The Internet lost forever
Last connected server gets browser hijacked
EYE OF THE STORM, GS - Despite already losing the majority of Tempest servers from the most sophisticated computer network known to man, the last remaining nodes were finally destroyed in another mishandling accident by young GoW soldiers who captured the last working computer connected to the internet. "Yes, it is gone forever" said GoW Army technician Sargeant Gill Bates, "the last computer had its browser hijacked when the soldiers who used it decided to surf the web with Internet Explorer instead of Mozilla or Opera". One of the soldiers commented "we had never used the internet before, we have nothing like this back home in Skulgaria. To be honest we were trying to look for Stormian porn, because you know, GoW porn kinda sucks (Editor's Note: yes, we know, it sucks)". In their haste, the young net surfers accidentally accessed the wrong site which immediately hijacked the browser to malware search engine www.orangesearch.com and generated a flood of pop-up ads ranging from "Hot Spanish Brides" to "Orangehookers Online". As a result, the computer had to be formatted losing in the process the last connection to the internet in existance. Bummer d00d!
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SPORTS NEWS
PTWDG final ends in 0-0 draw
GoW and ND teams declared co-winners
THE NEW VOICE, VOXTAVIA. The PTWDG final was played yesterday to a full stadium at the neutral Voxtavia Olypmic Colisseum with the result, an ignominious 0-0 draw which resulted in boos and jeers from fans who expected a definitive result. "I saved up for the last 2 years and a half to see this game" said Stormian spectator notyoueither "and what happens? They decide to just draw?". Fights ensued in the stands as supporters of GoW and ND clashed with Lego and GS fans who felt were robbed of victory. GoW hooligan Warm_Enamel (son of the famous GoW senator) proudly shouted "We're proud of our team! Screw the naysayers, we kicked ass!". Immediately afterwards, the Stormian and Lego Olympic Federations issued a formal complaint explaining that such a draw was "rule breaking and illegal", to which International Olympic Chairman Trip replied "sorry, it might be cheesy but it's legit, plus after 400 penalty shootouts you can't really expect them to continue playing if they don't want to". Nevertheless, most team players believed no better finale could lead up to the excitement and controversy of the next cup.
Team captains zeri and MZ lift the cup together. International rules say that the cup will be sawed in half for each nation to bring back home
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A message to our faithful readers
The victory of our empire in this war has prompted the Imperial Government to censor all further news reports and television broadcasts. A new ministry, the Ministry of Truth, has been established to diffuse all officially-sponsored news to the public.
As such, we regret to inform our dear and faithful readers that this will be the last edition of the Glory of News™. We sincerely hope it was a pleasure for you to read our honest, truthful and unbiased publication, just as it was a pleasure for us to write it.
Until the next demogame, yours truly
The Editor
Last edited by Master Zen on 06-06-2005 at 09:22
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06-06-2005 09:11
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