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ike0481
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Texas
Nov 2001
time: 23:37
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John held his breath as the green indicator on the status bar slowly creped forward as the new installation of Civilization IV proceeded. “Come on” he whispered as he began tapping the CivIV manual on the edge of his desk.. “Jesus, come on.” He murmured in frustration as he grabbed the mouse and whirled the pointer around the screen as if the effort would help the installation run faster.
The phone rang in the cubicle next to him and an annoying voice answered, “Thank you for calling the Payroll department, how may I direct your call?”
Footsteps down the hall slowed close to his cubicle indicating that someone was coming to bother him. John dropped the CivIV manual to the floor and attempted to cover it with his foot as his mind raced to cover his tracks. The footsteps in the hallway stopped just outside his cubicle wall and the sound of jingling keys announced that Bruce, John’s overfed and arrogant manager was making his rounds.
John’s eyes shot to the installation that continued to process. His eyes focused on the mouse pointer situated in the bottom right of the screen from his ineffective mouse whirling efforts to make the install run faster. Realizing that any sudden movement of his hand toward the mouse to minimize the current window would appear too conspicuous his left index finger found and held the Windows shortcut key. As if by automation his right index finger jabbed the F key to bring up a Windows search box, keyed “o” to search for documents, TAB, quickly typed “payroll”, and punched the Enter key.
“What’s up, John?” Bruce said as he poked his head into the cubicle.
“I’m working on a couple of hot projects for payroll.” John replied with a tired voice as if he had been slaving away for hours. Bruce glared at John’s monitor as the search box scanned the computer for payroll documents. His eyes directed to the bottom of the screen looking for programs that might be running in the background but John had fully minimized his Windows task bar for this very reason long ago. Bruce shot a final glare at John, jingled the keys in his pocket with authority and walked away.
“What a tool.” John murmured under his breath as the phone rang in the cubicle next to him and the annoying voice spoke, “Thank you for calling the Payroll department, how may I direct your call?”
A quick ALT+TAB brought the CivIV installation back up. The progress indicator hadn’t budged. John’s fingers tap danced on the keyboard without actually keying anything as he tried to think of something to occupy his time. His mind flashed with thoughts of opening up a game Solitaire or Free Cell but those games were so 1999. Then, in a sudden flash in insight, he thought of the Apolyton forums and remembered he hadn’t checked the latest threads in the past few minutes. He quickly clicked on the Internet Explorer icon on his desktop, ignoring the warning at the beginning of the CivIV installation that said, “Be certain to close all non-essential Windows applications…blah blah blah.” Apolyton was essential he reminded himself.
Internet Explorer began to load and suddenly the fan inside his computer revved up and the machine began making a bizarre whining noise.
“Having fun over there?” called out the voice from the cubicle next to John’s in response to the new sound.
“Just working on this payroll project.” John responded in annoyance. He was getting frustrated. He had picked up his new copy of CivIV earlier that morning and wanted to do nothing more than play the game. Ethically he knew he should wait until he got home to install the game on his own computer, but this was CivIV. The game he had been waiting to get his hands on for the past 10 years. Sure he had a dusty copy of CivIII sitting in his shelves at home, but to John and many others, CivIII was just a mere expansion pack to CivII. CivIV would be different. CivIV was new. Besides, there was only one thing better than playing Civilization and that is playing Civilization while getting paid for it.
The phone rang again in the cubicle next to him and the annoying voice spoke, “Thank you for calling the Payroll department, how may I direct your call?”
John’s computer was in a frozen state between the CivIV install and a new window of Internet Explorer as both applications battled over and consumed all available disk space on the machine. The CPU fan’s whining noise began to sound more like a terrified pig as it squealed to cool the system. Realizing the process might take a while, John decided to get a drink. Unfortunately his last dime was spent on purchasing CivIV that morning. He would have to “borrow” the money to buy a drink out the vending machine.
John approached the cubicle next to his and grunted to get the occupants attention.
“Do you have 55 cents that I might borrow?” John asked sheepishly. The face in the cubicle stared back as if John had asked the man to commit murder.
“Just 55 cents. I’ll pay you back tomorrow.” John reinforced.
The man inside the cube huffed and reached for a bag lying on the floor next to him. The sound of a hundred objects rattling against one another emitted from the small purse like bag.
“What a fruit.” John thought to himself. “If you can’t find the money don’t worry about it.” he spoke up.
“Ah, here we go.” The man finally said as he pulled several coins covered in hair out of the purse. He laid each coin on the desk as if he was about to update his inventory.
“Now, I normally like to keep track of money that I lend out, but since we’re neighbors I know you’ll pay me back?”
John exhaled a long breath in annoyance in reply.
“Never mind the hair.” The man said as he pulled the strands of hair off the coins and finally handed the money to John. “That’s from my hairbrush.”
“Thanks.” John said as he dusted off the remaining hair follicles from the coins.
A cow was standing in front of the vending machine when John approached the break room. The woman was the size of a refrigerator and stood bow legged with a confused look on her face.
“I can’t decide what I want.” She said, “Dr. Pepper or Diet Sprite.”
“Your metabolism is a wreck. You’ll gain weight either way.” John thought. “I like Dr Pepper.” He replied.
The woman inserted her money and pushed the button for a Diet Sprite as if John’s opinion bore no significance in her gigantic life. She leaned over to retrieve her Diet Sprite but didn’t get back up right away.
“For CivIV sake, hurry up.” John thought
“Hang on a sec. I have to take it slow when I bend over. I’ll strain my back if I move too fast.”
“You wouldn’t have that problem if you didn’t weigh 400 pounds.” John thought.
When the obese woman finally returned to a vertical position and left the break room John inserted his coins and pushed the button for a Dr Pepper. Nothing happened. He pushed the Dr Pepper button again. Nothing. “WTF?” he muttered. He pushed the coin return button. Nothing. John stood and blinked at the machine. “WTF!” his voice was getting louder. He shook the machine. The air compressor inside switched on but still nothing dispensed from the machine. John leaned over and looked inside the drink dispenser slot. Nothing. “WFT!!” he fumed as he walked back to his cubicle.
John entered his cubicle in horror. His computer monitor was filled with unfamiliar writing in white system font with a blue background that covered the entire screen. It was the dreaded Windows blue screen of death. The information on the screen could have been written in Swahili for all John knew.
The strange sound that was emitting from his computer earlier now sounded more like a loud engine knock. The situation looked grim and John’s heart began to race. He quickly pushed CTRL+ALT+DEL. Nothing. ESC button. Nothing. He reached for the reset button on the computer case when suddenly a loud bang came from the computer. John leaped back in fear.
“What’s going on over there?” The annoying man next door asked as he rose from his chair to peer over the cubicle wall.
John noticed the CD drive was no longer blinking. “Better get CivIV out of there.” He thought as he pushed the eject button to his CD tray. Something was wrong. The CD did not eject with the usual snap that John was expecting. Instead the tray opened about halfway and stopped as if it were jammed. “WTF?” John said as he tugged on the CD tray. The CD finally ejected.
“OH MY GOD!” John roared as he reached to lift the CD out of the CD tray. The once beautiful CivIV CD, with its beautiful artwork and logos, was now a discolored warped mass. An odd burnt smell was beginning to emit from the computer. Had the computer overheated to the point that it melted the CD? It didn’t matter. Everything came crashing down on John. The annoying fruit in the cubicle next to him that constantly answered the phone with the same monotonous tone every call, every day, John’s arrogant tool of a supervisor who held no respect for anyone, the cow in the break room, the vending machine that stole his money, and now his CivIV game... the game he had been waiting and saving for so long was destroyed. It was all too much for John.
In a rage John slammed his hands against the monitor. BANG. The annoying man in the cubicle next to John rose out of his seat again like a curious groundhog but sat back down in fear. John could not control himself. He slammed his hands into the keyboard. Bang Bang……BANG BANG BANG. In an instant he grabbed the keyboard and lifted it off of the desk and slammed it against the monitor knocking it completely off the desk and into the hallway. At this point the entire office had risen out of their cubicles and stared at John as he kicked the monitor down the hall.
John was escorted out of the building by Bruce and the local ethics officer. “We’ll send the remaining items that belong to you in the mail.” The employee entrance door slammed shut. John had been fired.
John was miserable for days. The Apolyton forums were beginning to fill up with posts from players of CivIV talking about their experiences with the game. All John wanted to do was play the game and join in on the fun. He tried to return the damaged CivIV CD but the store where he purchased it from would not exchange the game in its condition and he did not have any money to put toward buying another copy. All hope was lost.
On the fifth day after being fired a small box arrived in the mail. It was the box of items that belonged to John. Inside he found a pair of headphones, a couple of pictures, and a small envelope tucked away at the bottom of the box. The envelope contained a termination notice. John scanned over the letter, “….This letter is to inform you that you have been terminated from the Payroll department effective immediately…… your actions were caught by surveillance cameras….. insubordinate and inappropriate behavior…..return any keys, badges, or any other effects that may belong to the company…. Enclosed is a check for $49 for payment for your excess paid time off that you had accumulated….. Due to your years of service your unemployment will be extended to a full 12 months……”
John went out and bought another copy of CivIV that very day. He enjoyed playing the game the rest of the year, always remembering his words, “There is only one thing better than playing Civilization and that is playing Civilization while getting paid for it.”
Post Script:
surveillance camera footage can be viewed here: http://media.ebaumsworld.com/index.php?e=badday.mpg
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24-08-2005 21:43
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