03-06-2001 01:41									#1
	Comments on Far Jericho Tired of ads?

This is where to post comments on Far Jericho. I started the story after having read alot of others, and got worried about "leakage".
I don't know how much I'll actually write, so speak up if it grows on you an I start to slack.

	04-06-2001 21:13									#2
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Okay now I need feedback, I'm obiously very close-up to the tale, so if anybodies read it so far...

And I know about the misspellings and the and a weird sentences, every re-read brings previously invisible causes for concern "burnt meat touched his nose" was a particular hair-raiser.

But does it make sense so far in general?

?

	11-06-2001 12:16									#3
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Well, it looks like a start to me...

	16-06-2001 00:40									#4
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thanks Guardian, thats excuse- er... i mean encouragement enough. More will appear soon.

	17-06-2001 13:07									#5
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Hello! I'm sorry your audience have not been more forthcoming about your story, I personally think it is really cool.

There is lots of interesting imagery (well described too!) and intriguing ideas. Enough to keep me reading

I look forward to seeing more,

Alynzia.

	19-06-2001 20:39									#6
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tang kyorr Alynzia ,

knowing at least two people out there will be reading this has inspired me to push more squares, the result will be added as soon as i've taken ten minutes to hunt for those trecherous sentences and CRUSH THEM! AHAHAHAHAHAH!

further chapters and Word6 will be arranged later, but if anybody is willing to let me use their name for my own devious ends i'd appreciate it. Why? coz it'd be interesting to see what its like writing a character based on a real person (well, kinda).
It'll adda lil'extra pressure to the charater development.
Any volunteers stay where you are while everybody else steps backwards.

	19-06-2001 21:41									#7
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Well, I'm not backing off here either, but maybe I shouldn't be appearing in too many different shapes...
(I've already said yes to Alynzia... )

	21-06-2001 22:08									#8
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Actually.... yesss... i think i have just the spot for you good sir, you are very- suitable, for this position.


yesss.....


>wanders of rubbing my fingers together and muttering something about mice and resonance-phase-capacitance<.

	22-06-2001 01:04									#9
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I am? Well, hmmm... this sounds interesting...

	05-07-2001 19:35									#10
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There, a new chunk in the story.

Last edited by problem_child on 30-07-2001 at 01:54

	30-07-2001 01:52									#11
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^bumped

	30-07-2001 05:55									#12
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problem_child

ok i sat down and read your story today from begining to end...on the gramatical side i noticed a few problems...your biggest problem was spelling, no offense intended (i'm not a good speller either), i'm not sure if you use a spell checker but it would probably catch most of those mistakes...i noticed quotations out of place in one paragraph and some capitalization problems, but that is about it...i provided examples below

quote: The Other side "one of our agents however... (cap) “Conzar, his blocky frame looking very seated (quote) Recovery nauseus (spelling)

on the style side, i like the pacing of your story and the details are wonderful...

i particularly loved this part

quote: she had attended the Gaian festival of Light for the annual spawning of the sun fish

little details like that really make the world seem to come alive...

i have a quibble with how you refer to the Cybernetic Conciousness as the Cybes...i think that refering to them as borg/borgs seems more realistic (borg would seem like the informal reference which would also include some overtones of disgust towards them) for an informal way to refer to them and Conciousness as the formal (and polite) way to refer to them

for example

"we have to work with the borgs again?!"
"we appreicate any aid the Conciousness could provide"

that sounds better than

"we have to work with the cybes again?!"
"we appreicate any aid the Cybes could provide"

also datapad could be better than infepad...but that is up to you and not as clear cut as the borg example

all in all it's a good story though...keep writing, i wanna see what happens next

	30-07-2001 14:43									#13
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thanks Korn, spelling and mistypes are *sigh* just part of how I bash things out and then post before i have a chance to change my mind (then i usually use the Edit button with each re-read till its right>horror!<) still, i'm using Word6 now so that should improve.

I prefer "Cybe" as "Borg" makes me feel uncomfortably trekkie with my imagery of the tale's world

Pronounced like "Sib" or "the Sibs" or Cybian "Sibean" reflecting vernacular or common usage, formal "Cybernetic Consciousness" used more... well, formaly.

infepad i preffer over data-pad, as data is raw, unformated, unpresented. Many autistics look at the world and see a wealth of data that means the world is a hard place to make sense of.

Information however is the edited, filtered, precise and presented data, the cooked food, the user-interface, thats why i preffer "infe-pad",

i guess its just me being "par-tic-ular" about things i'm glad your into the story, thanks for continued feedback.

	01-08-2001 18:37									#14
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hello, andothe chapter, [The Tower now added, i'm particularly interested in any comments about those last two chapters (thanks agin korn for input on The Other Side

by te way- those of you who read it already, the things been edited again- and again!

i promise to try harder to only ever post "proof-read perfect" text from now on!

	14-08-2001 11:46									#15
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Hi there problem_child!

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your story. This damn forum hates me, it won't let me post my comment to your story twice before, my Nonlinear Genetics or more Aki Chronicles... so I'm only going to post comments from now on, I'm hoping you're reading this!

I really loved your latest installments, really. The stuff covered is so diverse, in description, events and general style. It's so damn real, yet I still get a sense of wonder from it.

There is a good setting immediately with a haunting atmosphere and very good descriptions, well written and the action flows. The changes in writing style are very effective.

My only criticisms are that there is slower action when Sehn is trying to remember his past, which gets a bit dull. Also, sometimes the writing is a bit confusing, but I guess it shows the varied sections of the story. Other actions are interesting.

The narrative is intriguing from different perspectives. The mind worm scene is absolutely riveting! The story is very descriptive all the way through and the writing is good.

Only someone blind to the quality of your story would worry about the few typing mistakes and grammatical errors. I personally prefer two enthusiasically typed posts as opposed to one stuffy and pedantic 'Oh look, I learnt hypercorrect posh English' post, any day of the week!

It is getting really exciting, feed me more!

Alynzia.
(Blood enemy of the Apolyton message board.)

	14-08-2001 18:49									#16
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Thanks Aly, you are truly a person of most exsquisit good taste and fine literary perceptions

Your points were all very well recieved, please make sure you work as a critic in the Hollywood Times in case i ever make it in the movies, definately my critic of choice for sure!

It would seem the signal in the noise of my story is coming over then, and i really needed to know that (i'm a needy writer who requires near constant encouragement and feedback, probably becouse of the fear that the last typo or odd sentance may have been the final straw for anybody who was untill that point- reading it!)

Sehns flashbacks abit dull you say huh, noted.

I could definately take the advice i gave you before and spend more time on the text before posting. (how is Two Houses by the way, i was really enjoying that one). The last two parts of Jericho were writen late into the early hours of the next day (and under the influence) before i posted them and collapsed into bed, so i was particularly keen on knowing that they still made sense.

Technical critisism is still appreciated though, simply becouse its important to get the disciplin to pay attention to the quality at all levels so people can trust that the story (any story) will be worth reading i guess, can't all be fun now can it Having said that, when i see mistakes in anothers story that i'm really enjoying, i tend to just ignore them, auto-figuring what the writer meant as i go along- but when i re-read my own stuff and see typo's i'm Horrified! its abit like having a zit really.

Anyway, more soon.

"Write on Dudes"

	25-08-2001 23:39									#17
	It's just like... Support Apolyton

I've read your last post and
"Please Sir, could I have some more?"

Alynzia.

	29-08-2001 18:04									#18
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"NO!"
the old man turns away, his dark cape swishing behind him and a dark and troubled look upon his face. From outside, thunder booms and lightening strikes and the rain pours down like the sorrows of a thousand worlds.
"you do not know what you are asking-"
"but- you must!" starts Alynzia, eyes drunk with power, the armoured glove forming a fist clenched with insistence
"NO! i.... cannot" continues the tired old man "if i were to continue now- the creature would become more powerful then you could possibly imagine!"-

well i guess this means sure i seem to really enjoy this writing lark, but i gotta take some time off- stuffs come up (damn government!) complications (two timing damn Libyans!!) gimme time.

	11-11-2001 19:46									#19
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problem_child

Now THIS is time... over 60 days? Are you still alive?

Alynzia.

	12-12-2001 20:28									#20
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Ngh- Wha! >startled awake<

Hey Alynzia, i'm still functional thanks for asking, i haven't been writing any more of the Ghost though since September 11 (for reasons not quite understood) then somebody did'nt pay their phone bill and got cut-off >ahem< and then Civ3 came out- yada yada yada...

How are you anyway, have you written any more stuff?
>no time to check for self- in hurry<