10-05-2002 00:26									#1
	The Creation Myth (An FP production) Support Apolyton, buy Alpha Centauri

If you've just read through Vel's excellent (and looong) story then you're probably thinking .... "Hmmm, I could just go for some more creative writing, only more strange and less good this time". If so, then you've come to the right place.

This is a poem I wrote quite a long time ago for this project. I'm gonna start revising and extending it shortly in time for its (possible) inclusion in the first playable version of the game. When will that be, I hear you cry? ... erm ... NO COMMENT!

Anyway, I'd very much like to hear people's general comments and suggestions for where I could take it from here. Which bits do you like? Which bits don't you understand? Which bits are just plain bad?

Basically this is suppose to be some kind of creation myth, similar to the books of Genesis and Exodus in the Bible only much shorter. It may never have actually happened, or maybe it did, but this is nevertheless the kind of thing that has passed into the mythology of Candle'Bre.

It is supposed to be in Blank Verse (ie. unrhymed iambic pentameter), so if anybody finds bits that obviously aren't then I'd appreciate them letting me know. The last three stanzas are quite clearly not in Blank Verse, this will be one of the first things that I correct when re-working this, but I nevertheless offer them up here for your scrutiny.

What I'd like to know, then, is ... "What happens next?" the poem as it stands ends with things looking pretty bleak for the people and there needs to be some kind of redemptive aspect to the poem's conclusion.

Does anyone have any ideas?

Without further preamble then, I humbly present the poem to you:


I

`Ere Keep or Steed had been granted by God
As a sign of favour to Men and Lords,
`Ere the bejewell'd Crown was moulded by Him
To endome the earth, fickle Nature had
A single warp'd face: Chaos, that threaten'd
To forever unbalance Paradise.
Though not yet conceiv'd in His Divine thought
The World was maelstrom and Candle'Bre core.

II

For eons uncounted Daemons of dark
Assail'd God in his gold-gated stronghold.
The shrouded Devils shook and tore with claws
At the gate's Outer Seal to no avail,
They were dasht on His walls in their Fury
To gain entry unto Heaven's Sanctum.
Though not yet endanger'd by howling War
God sought refuge and Creation was still.

III

The Gates of Light held against an Onslaught
Most unholy, but God soon grew weary.
Despairing of Heaven's taint by conflict
He vowed to create Earth inviolable:
A sphere Divine to stand in Defiance
Of the Dark and the creatures of Chaos.
Though not yet known was Purity's weakness
He spoke the Word and Edenia was born.

IV

The Heavenly Candle first brought the light,
Then God commanded the oceans to flow:
Enshrouding His orb in aqueous robes.
His voice then sounded the Earth to shudder
And by rising it form'd to Peaks and Dales.
Men were last and greatest of His Design.
Though not yet known was the Evil's Envy,
Lustful spirits howled and Darkness took flight.

V

God long rejoiced in Creation's Garden,
Which glisten'd and shone as a Star new-form'd.
The shim'ring oceans, Edenia's bounty,
Caressed the shores of the abundant land.
The sapphire air was the Eagle's domain
While the Lion's proud roar possess'd the plains.
Though not yet complete was God's masterpiece
Nature was tempered and All was serene.

VI

The Dread Lord of Daemons: twist'd and cruel,
Brooded on the Void and made it pregnant
To birth an Army of Terror mind-forg'd,
That could with Might o'erwhelm the Garden's walls
And all stand unchalleng'd amidst the breech -
Their manic screams rending fair Edenia.
Though not yet form'd was their slavering host
Their Lord knew that Victory was assured.

VII

To honour Man's right place at the Zenith
In Edenia God gifted them a Throne
Hand-sculpted and luminous with splendour
Surpass'd only by the Glory of Man.
Noble, Just and Gallant - the head and the
Nexus of God's new Creation stood Proud.
Though not yet were they tempted by the Dark,
Good Men felt that Cataclysm was nigh.

VIII

The brilliant Edenian clouds turned to ashes
As Wing'd Death screamed furious groundward.
Man's Militia - poor-trained and untested - was
Readied too late and it seem'd that All was lost.
As Armies fought beneath Him God conjur'd His
Nova-Light to obliterate the Invaders of Paradise.
Though not yet Won was the War against Dark
The Men offered prayers to their Lord and Edenia was quieted.

IX

The hasting Daemons retreated unto the Dark
Unphas'd, to nurse quick-healing Wounds
And devise a Scheme anew in the Gloom -
To subvert Prey more by Stealth than Force.
The body of Man was strong, but his Mind,
Weak and unform'd, could be made to turn.
Though not yet Masters of Edenia, the Evil
Mustered their Corrupt Engines and New Battle was join'd.

X

Now the Host arrived Unseen and at Night
Stealing into Hearts and Souls of Good Men,
But God, having given Men free Spirits was
Powerless to save them from the Dark tempting.
The Noble awoke Cruel, the True were False -
Awesome fate made Edenia Decayed o'ernight.
Though many Brave souls repell'd the Witchcraft
The Virgin Creation was defiled and God was weeping.

**************

That's All Folks...

A 'FrustratedPoet Gold Star of Cleverness' will be awarded to the first person to notice the line that is more-or-less stolen ... erm, I mean 'inspired by' John Milton, and the phrase that was likewise taken from William Blake.
Wear the Star with pride in your Sig ... amaze your friends and impress the ladies, it's the trendy new accessory for the summer season.

	16-05-2002 07:35									#2
	Help yourself to an AD-FREE life

Milton: To forever unbalance Paradise
Blake: The Virgin Creation was defiled and God was weeping.

	16-05-2002 16:44									#3
	Increase Your PM Length

Both of those are incorrect I'm afraid. At least ... they weren't intentional 'inspirations.' If you have the poems / line numbers that those lines came from in Blake and Milton then I'll happily award you the Gold Star, but they weren't the ones I was thinking of.
They certainly sound like the kind of things those guys would say though.

Clues:
The Milton passage is in Book One of Paradise Lost. (near the beginning of it too)
The Blake phrase is in his poem London. I think that's the one, I don't have it with me at the moment.

	16-05-2002 19:04									#4
	Increase Your PM Length

No, I was guessing.

	16-05-2002 19:50									#5
	Avatar Enlargement: We've got the solution

I'm not sure it is London, although I could be wrong. A quick Google search turns up a poem that appears to bear very little resemblance to any line of the Creation Myth.

	16-05-2002 19:57									#6
	Put an end to popups!

London ... by William Blake (Songs of Experience)

I wander thro' each charter'd street.
Near where the charter'd Thames does flow
And mark in every face I meet
Marks of weakness, marks of woe.

In every cry of every Man,
In every Infants cry of fear,
In every voice: in every ban,
The mind-forg'd manacles I hear

How the Chimney-sweepers cry
Every blackning Church appalls,
And the hapless Soldiers sigh
Runs in blood down Palace walls

But most thro' midnight streets I hear
How the youthful Harlots curse
Blasts the new-born Infants tear
And blights with plagues the Marriage hearse

OoO

Source Link (It is Plate 18)

It is in there... only one word though, but perhaps the most significant word of the poem.

Good poem, huh? I wasn't expecting anyone to get it really, since it is only one little phrase, but it is a famous line from one of Blake's most famous poems and I thought someone might have read/studied it at some point and remembered. Maybe it's just me who's strange like that.

	16-05-2002 20:55									#7
	Suffering from ads?

Moderator! MOOODDDEEERRRRAAATTTOOOORRRR!

Nah, just kidding. Must say if find a discussion of Milton here very amusing indeed.

	16-05-2002 21:05									#8
	Enter the AD-FREE zone

Wow. I didn't know Blake was so talented. I thought he just played SMAC a lot.

	16-05-2002 22:56									#9
	Got spare money?

I'm not sure I would consider 'mind-forg'd' a single word.

I would agree that it's the most significant word in "London" above.

A dreary outlook on the nature of Man, if I do say so. The poem seems to invoke London's infamous weather as a comparison.

Maybe THAT is just ME.

Why would Blake use ' charter'd ' to describe the streets and the Thames in two successive lines? That seems weak to me.

	16-05-2002 23:41									#10
	Support Apolyton, buy Call to Power 2

He uses 'Mark' three times in two lines also. And 'cry' three times in five lines.

That does seem kinda weak, I admit, but that first stanza has a beautiful rhythm ... can't think of any words that would do a better job in that place either. Elegant variation of vocabulary is a staple skill of the poet, certainly, but if something just feels right then you have to go for it ... (IMHO ) It's not that different from the repetition of 'In every' in the second stanza either.

It's also worth remembering that Blake was as much an artist and printer as he was a poet. From a certain point of view his poems are little more than a complement for the printed images that would accompany them. To view them merely as such is perhaps a touch harsh, but it is certainly true that the poems are enhanced by the prescence of the plates, and vice versa.

I admit mind-forg'd isn't really a single word, I describe it as a 'phrase' also at various points in this thread. *shrugs* Whatever it is the poem would be a very different beast without it methinks.

It is kinda a dreary outlook on Man isn't it? Have you read much Blake, Mongoose? The poems in the Songs of Experience are all depressing in this way, but are intended to act as a counterpoint to the more naive idealism of Songs of Innocence. The two volumes taken as a pair are very interesting.

@ moomie . hehehehehe ... I don't think Vel will mind too much ... if he does then he only has to ask and I'll stop posting this stuff.

May the literary seminar continue ...

This kind of thing makes me less guilty about posting here instead of doing my coursework (apart from the fact that I'm not studying any Milton or Blake this semester). It's mostly Shakespeare for me this semester ... anyone got any insights on his plays they'd like to share?

	16-05-2002 23:58									#11
	Full PM-box? Change here!

I wouldn't put the repetition of every or that of mark in the same category of weakness. Repeating every accentuates the very meaning of the word. Overdone, perhaps, but not truly weak, IMO.

As for the multiple uses of mark...I don't know. Maybe it is just technical laziness. Perhaps it is also meant to evoke an image...Mark of Cain?

As far as I recall, I have never read any Blake before. I haven't seen any of his prints, either. "London", the image (and I'll follow your link when I've finished this) should in my mind be a foggy, nearly lightless place whose denizens are done in a style similar to the demons depicted in medieval scenes of Hell.

	17-05-2002 00:04									#12
	Got spare money?

Well, the plate is nothing as I imagined it would be. What is the figure to the right of the second and third verses? The same child(?) as above warming his hands at a fire?

The plate really doesn't match the poem, to my mind.

	17-05-2002 00:14									#13
	Support Apolyton, buy Civilization: The Boardgame

quote: Originally posted by Mongoose The plate really doesn't match the poem, to my mind.

Nor mine either to be honest ... but clearly it did to Blake's mind, which is interesting in itself, I think. But let's try and work through it and see where we get...

The plate is certainly dark, smoky and forboding. It presents an image of poverty and degradation that seems to fit in with the theme of the poem.
The old man at the top is wearing rags and seems to be some sort of beggar or other homeless person.
The child (I think they are the same BTW) is perhaps also some kind of cast-off from society. The image of him/her warming their hands by the fire might seem at first to be an image more of comfort than suffering. However, if we consider a few other points it becomes less so ... the child is alone in that image, and if the old person above is their only friend/guardian then it doesn't bode well for them ... also the child appears to be outside and it is clearly cold (thus the need to warm themself by the fire). That is also not a pleasant winter-hearth fireplace kind of fire they're sitting next to. It looks wild and almost out of control, similar to the types of trash-can fires you can sometimes see homeless people gathered around today.

Perhaps that is reading too much into what is there, I don't know, but it makes some sense to me.

	17-05-2002 11:05									#14
	Support Apolyton, buy GURPS/ Alpha Centauri

quote: Originally posted by FrustratedPoet May the literary seminar continue ...

In my neck of the woods, literary impression, the practice of psychiatry, and snake oil sales are pretty much considered interchangeable.

jt

	17-05-2002 14:53									#15
	Enter the AD-FREE zone

Whatever ...

	17-05-2002 18:48									#16
	Support Apolyton, buy GURPS/ Alpha Centauri

quote: Originally posted by jimmytrick In my neck of the woods, literary impression, the practice of psychiatry, and snake oil sales are pretty much considered interchangeable. jt

Was there any particular point to, or need for that comment?

just curious

Rich

	17-05-2002 21:20									#17
	Browse Apolyton AD-FREE

jt often doesn't have points to his comments... or if he does, they are completely irrelevant and offensive. But that's just jt...

	17-05-2002 21:27									#18
	Lose 30 kilos (of popups)

jt's a salt of the earth kind of guy. I think he's calling us pretentious bastards.

	17-05-2002 21:54									#19
	Support Apolyton, buy Alpha Centauri

Which we are of course ... or at least I am.

There are all sorts of names we could call him, of course, but I don't really think he would care.

	18-05-2002 03:37									#20
	Get a bigger avatar today!

I put him on my ignore list... you can too. In the meantime, don't let him derail the thread... just continue on.