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Moral Hazard
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of jack
Jul 1999
time: 01:20
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DP
Last edited by Moral Hazard on 15-06-2002 at 03:53
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Moral Hazard
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of jack
Jul 1999
time: 01:20
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Dear Minister almost Elect Timeline
We thank you for your letter and your idea. We believe your idea is a good one, and hopefully I will be able to convince my reporters to write about it. They are unfortunately more interested to know other things about the council, such as what exactly is Trip's relationship with Marle. You know who's sleeping with who, and where does Lucca fit into the picture; I pray to my ancestors that she doesn't; but it would make a good headline. I will however attempt to force them to do their job.
Dear CigarsnBananas jr.
I appreciate the letter, I consider it part of my duty to warp err form the minds of all our citizens, old and young. It's unfortunate that your mother doesn't approve of you reading our fine paper. But to show her what a positive impact it's having on your development, I'd suggest you practice a little chaotic evil around the tent. The easiest way to do this is by breaking and burning whatever is lying around. I suggest you start with your father's spear or club. To ensure my I mean your safety. Did I mention that I have a dog who loves children. The last time a little kid came near my tent, he had a fun game of tag with my dog. My dog will also defend you against evil barbarians. I remember one time he brought back the foot of an evil pygmy barbarian. Now that I think about it; it was the same day that kid came over to play. Moral Hazard wonders if he can sink any lower By the way would you consider your kindergarten teacher hot?
Dear VP almost elect. Space05us
We appreciate your letter and of course the servant. We assure you that this gift will not only buy you a tent load of newspapers, but quite a bit of advertising as well.
Sincerly Yours
Editor Moral Hazard
Last edited by Moral Hazard on 15-06-2002 at 04:01
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Moral Hazard
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of jack
Jul 1999
time: 01:20
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The Apolytonian
The unofficial paper of Apolytonia
The Price of the banana skyrockets In a crushing blow to potential banana farmers throughout our tribe; the temperature will be temperate, and the climate will be moderate. This is far from ideal banana growing weather. There is hope however that the tribe will settle near the equator. Some potential banana farmers took the news better than expected, one stated “It’s not so bad if we can’t have our bananas, then we can have our strawberries. “ His opinion was only shared by a few supporters in a distant land.
Although this will have little effect on most farmers, the world is expected to be mildly rocky. Some fools believe this is because the world is 4 billion years old. The paper thinks that is load of garbage. We are however still waiting for the elders to firm up our creation story; since we would prefer not to be branded as heretics.
It’s a huge world after all The world size is expected to be quite large, although not as large as some people had hoped. After summoning the power of our ancestors, the grand assembly decided it best to make this world huge rather than 256 x 256. Despite the large size of our planet, it doesn’t appear that we will have the proper room for our tribe; since it is rumored that 15 other tribes are residing on this earth. Fortunately, our leaders understand that we can not share the earth with these savages, and our spear and club forces will drive them into extinction. Ask to summarize our chances against the savage tribes, a prominent rock thrower replied, “Ug think chances good. We kill roaming barbarians as we Emperor.”
Reports from the High Council The developments at our government are coming fast and furious. First it was decided yesterday that a minister could switch from any job to any other job during elections. It was also decided that elections would be held once every month. President almost elect Trip put the dates for the next elections on July 12th with campaigning beginning on the fourth, and the new government forming on the 16th. A code of laws is also being formalized. It will layout the duties of each of the ministers as well as a few government procedures. The paper would also like to remind citizens that a special election will start today to decide our finance minister.
The Hazards Form The first ever sports club formed today. They will compete in several events. It is unclear against who they will compete, but it is rumored that they have challenged CigarsnBananas jr.’s kindergarten class to a tournament. Asked to describe the events club founder Moral Hazard stated, ‘Well it’s starts out kind of boring with a stone tossing contest and spear throwing competition, but these are really just warm up exercises. The real fun begins later. We were hoping to have a bear fight, where both teams would try to kill a bear with clubs; but capturing a bear proved kind of hard and we lost one of best rock tossers in the attempt. We will still hold a rock duel where both teams get a pile of rocks and square off on either side of a field. Then they’ll pummel each other rocks. I haven’t decided how to declare a winner but I’m sure It will work itself out.’ Another event planned for the tournament is the gauntlet.
Last edited by Moral Hazard on 15-06-2002 at 16:30
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ThePlagueRat
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Insert banana to play...
May 2002
time: 06:20
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Labour Union questions military responibilities.
- by Engineers Union, foreman Rhennis Banannicus.
An elderly ragged worker called Grey Jonnis, whom I spoke with the other day, told me a horrifying story.... He had been working with his lads up in the hills in the safe perimiter outside Shantilla.
- During wartime. They were suddenly passed by a friendly infantry unit, in which they felt safety in. And they were even ordered to build a strong fortress after the mine company had opened business. The experienced worker Grey Jonnis said:
" - The infantymen suddenly started to pack their gear after the artillery had arrived. And soon they both were gone, heading for the frontier... we were there all alone with our concrete and bricks!"
Grey continues... " One night, the labour camp were surrounded by a great number of mounted warriors pointing their long spears at us, while barking like dogs in a strange language. They circled us in... and those who nervously ran or threw their spades at the bastards, were brually murdered! "
He tells the Union about the torture and his life as a captive.
Grey is a very sad former slave, but he smiles a bit when he talks about their secret and succsessful workslow-actions on the enemy infrastructure, but some did even become citizens over there! Grey shivers at the thought... Now he blames the commander of his army for their tragical destiny.
What the Labour Union now demands in this young empire of Apolytonia, is that the military autorities show a little bit more responsibilitiy for their population! Never leave a worker alone out there, think about the humanitarian crisis!
We hope the defence ministerium will learn from these mistakes.
- Power to the people!
Last edited by ThePlagueRat on 15-06-2002 at 22:02
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Moral Hazard
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of jack
Jul 1999
time: 01:20
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The Apolytonian
Electoral Edition
Trip dumps Marle, Becomes President Tribesman Trip became president today finishing with over 60% of vote. His competitor the banana did surprisingly well considering that he ran his campaign solely on his reputation. This may have been due to the fact that President Trip terminated his relationship with Marle midway through the election. Sources not even remotely connected with the issue tell us that it was quite messy, and that other women may be involved. Asked if the move will severely damage President Trip’s career a political analyst contacted by this paper stated, “I doubt it. There are only two things which can finish a political career, a dead girl or a live boy.” So unless Marle turns up dead, Trip political career should have a bright future. It is of note that despite attempts to locate Marle, she has not been found. Supporters of President Trip argued that this is a complete non issue. They stated that just because Marle was Trip’s Avatar, it doesn’t mean that they were in anyway involved.
Others point out that this was not what caused the banana to receive almost 30 votes; but that it was caused by two other factors. First, there is a rumor that non members of the tribe snuck into the polls and cast their votes for the banana; especially members of a democratic nation in civilization 2. Secondly, Trip’s apparent despotic longings have scared voters. These fears began when Trip joked during a conversation with imperial party supporters, “Those who support me in the first administration will be pleasantly rewarded when my coup overthrows the government and installs a dictatorship.” President Trip has also attempted to remove the citizenry’s ability to access to the save file with a round about poll creating a reporter unit. Also rumors persist that President Trip is attempting to use a Veto power, which was never authorized. There have been times however when Trip argued vehemently for the power of the people. This paper believes that many of these concerns are foolish, and just because someone becomes an official, they suddenly have to lose their sense of humor. It does indeed appear that President Trip will staunchly defend democracy. President Trip did not return comments to the paper, which is the real point of this entire article.
Space Em Space05us surprised many observers as he beat Nuclear master in tight race with Vice President Space winning by only an 57% margin. This was especially surprising considering that Nuclear Master waged a deadly campaign declaring ‘Can I be vice-president’. Despite the odds Space pulled off the upset. Asked how, he replied well I am cool, personally we think it’s the trench coat. But Space is no slacker. When asked what he would do in government he announced, “I plan on eating bananas for the entirety of my term” It is the opinion of this paper that had Nuclear Master added his only other two posts to his campaign both of which said “FINNALY  ” Space would have been a goner. Last edited by Moral Hazard on 17-06-2002 at 00:36
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Moral Hazard
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of jack
Jul 1999
time: 01:20
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Ninot smashes his competition Taking over 80% of the vote Ninot was emphatically endorsed as the new foreign minister. One of his competitors Togas appeared to believe that simply stating that he would run for the Foreign Minister position would prove an effective campaign. He was proven dreadfully wrong. The other candidate Turambar also appeared to drop out of the race as it began. When contacted by the paper, Ninot seemed staggered by the result stating, "All right, this is a FIFA 2002 online league we're joining, right?" To which the paper has to ask, can you constantly score with a cross and then a bicycle kick like in FIFA 2001; when using a 3-3-4 formation and counter attack. He did however quickly regain his senses and asked, “So when can we start the sex scandals? “ We strongly advise him to read this paper, as we’ll be digging as hard as we can to find that important information. Neither of the losing candidates could be reached for comment.
Advertisement As finance minister, I will post detailed polls about our options with reasonable arguments for each, as well as my personal preference and why I think that would be the best. I will ALWAYS obey the people. I think science should be as high as possible without losing money or being able to get the tech in the same number of turns with less science. Luxuries should be turned on if we go republic or have major problems, and only to 10% until further happiness problems emerge. Vote For Civman2000 paid for by friends of civman2000
A Genocidal Maniac Seizes Control of the Military You usually wouldn’t want a maniac to control anything, but when it comes to war who’s better for the job. The people agreed with these sentiments. Electing Uberkrux as the first military advisor; almost purely because he was a bit more insane than Skywalker. Skywalker was also hurt by his love for a foreign country mainly that of Civ2. When asked if the win with a 65% majority gave him a strong mandate Advisor Uberkrux replied, “The people have spoken, genocide is the answer” And when it comes to foreign devils what could be more right. Skywalker the losing candidate bowed out gracefully stating, “I fully support UberKruX as the first War Minister in the Civ3 Democracy Game, and wish him luck.” But before he left he did have this parting shot, “Uber shows himself to be dreadfully incompetent” Ed: He has been seriously misquoted, put an unless on the front and a not likely at the end and you’ve got the proper quote
Last edited by Moral Hazard on 17-06-2002 at 00:44
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Moral Hazard
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of jack
Jul 1999
time: 01:20
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Timeline Dominates What started as a close race ended as a landslide. Jonny campaigned hard early and manage to stay even with Timeline until he stopped campaigning at which point Timeline sped ahead, ending with 18 more votes than his nearest competitor. When asked what he would do now in that he was in government, he stated “I'm very enthusiastic about some of my plans for how to improve our nation, and it is my intention to establish paying attention to the public community as the mark and distinction of my administration.” The most notable of his plans is the Council of Territorial Expansion and Development a body which seeks to coordinate the efforts of several ministries.
Only one of the losing candidates has conceded so far, Chandragupta who bowed out gracefully thanking the people who voted for him. When asked why he lost he replied, “well, I had joined [the tribe] for the first time in order to participate in the democracy … and Timeline effectively managed to squish my statements like tiny insects.” The paper believes that he is correct, that being a new comer hurt his chances especially against a skilled campaigner like Timeline. When asked about his future plans he announced that he would like to write for the Apolytonian or maybe The Times. We could think of no better way of launching a new campaign.
Punkbass2000 edges out Sir. Ralph In a tight race the punk edge out the Sire. The most plausible explanation for Punkbass2000’s victory was offered by himself, “I feel my win was largely due to the promising of M&M's. This will please the Gods and helped win the banana vote as well.” Both candidates campaigned ferociously going back and forth in debate. But the two candidates ended the campaign as friends, with Punkbass2000 inviting Sir Ralf to be his deputy. When contacted by this reporter, Sir Ralph vowed to fight to the very end. When the polls closed Sir Ralph promised to keep his independence stating, “I will support my opponent in matters where I believe he's right, and otherwise give him a juicy opposition” The two should work well together as Punkbass is keeping an open mind, as he states, “I have no specific plans yet, as they would be dependent on the map that we start with and the civ we select.”
The Numbers have it. In the case of simple arithmetic 5000 is greater than 2000, just as Tassadar5000 beat civman2000. Other reasons have been proposed for why Tassadar beat the Civman for example Civman2000 states, “I think I lost because I missed the first 12 hours or so of the campaigning, and Tassadar had won about 10 people by then.” This is a very plausible explanation. However, this reporter stands by his belief that it was simply a matter of arithmetic, and if he ever runs he’ll call himself infinity and beyond. Speaking of which I think Ed: Get back to work. In accepting the position Tassadar said, “Ever since I was a child, I dreamt of having this position. I knew there were secrets all around me, secrets that hold so much potential to improve our lives, and our defense. Now, because the great people of the Apolytonian Empire have elected me, I can actively search out these secrets. These secrets will not only improve Apolyton, but it will improve humanity as a whole.”
The Banana loses all of his elections Although the banana did well, he just couldn’t win. Eli, Spiffor, and HazieDaVampire trounced him for their respective positions. When asked if he was the better candidate, Spiffor promised, “I will do a better job than my worthy opponent, the Banana!” It is common place for politicians to make promise they can not keep, but this is pushing the impossible. After talking with Spiffor however; we believe if there is one man who could do this, it is him. The paper attempted to contact the banana but according to his agent, he apparently promised an exclusive feature to The Times.
Damn that took way to long. I think we need to cut out a few elections. I will double check it later for mistakes.
Oh and I didn't make it longer to compete, I just had all this stuff from the elections and what not. I prefer the short versions.
Last edited by Moral Hazard on 17-06-2002 at 00:26
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Chandragupta
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of a minor tribe of Orcs
Jun 2002
time: 00:20
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Dear Editor Hazard,
Consider this a 'letter from the front' if you will. Just the other century i was minding my own business in the Apolyton forum, just next door to Trip's palace. I then heard a runner from Minister Timeline's Ministry screaming about an expedition to colonize farther north. Naturally, I signed on, but this is not at all what I envisioned
So far, we've found a river... that's it... Oh yah, a bunch of jungle too... I will acknowledge that I voted for random terrain, and I'm all for sticking this out until we find a decent place to build, but somehow i thought being in this expedition would be a glorious adventure. Instead i'm soaked by the constant rain, taunted by monkeys, and like everyone else out here a wee bit tired and bored.
To make things worse, we havent seen a banana in months. What kind of jungle is this!? I guess the good news is that things can only get better from here.
Self-appointed Apolytonian Frontline correspondent Chandragupta
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Kuciwalker
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of Schmooism
Feb 2001
time: 00:20
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As I said in my earlier letter, I was going to settle down in the new city by the river and start a banana plantation. No sooner do I get there, but, to my great surprise, they tell me they aren't settling there! There seems to be a great controversy over whether or not we should colonize the Banana Jungle. As one settler, who requested not to be named, said, "The rain is bad, the river is yucky, and I hate bananas." Despite the fact that many settlers agreed with him on other points, all quickly stoned him to death for his heretical statements about bananas. Another settler, who also wished to be unnamed, said thoughtfully, "If we don't settle here, where will we get our bananas? Once we clear even a small area of this jungle, we will have prime banana plantation ground." I agree with the second settler.
Assistant Editor Skywalker
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Apolyton Time is 00:20. |
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14-06-2002 21:50
LoL, impressive guys. You might want to post every article in a seperate thread for more publicity. Such an excellent thing ought to get out more. 
Real life can be a *****
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