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Bear
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chieftaining something
May 2002
time: 05:20
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APOLYTON TODAY
ISSUE #1
CABINET MEMBERS WEAR ODD SOCKS
This report has just come in - Several unnamed members of the Apolyton Cabinet, who will remain unnamed, have been seen in public wearing odd socks. One person, who we will call "cavebear", just for example, was seen wearing one blue and one red sock, on the right and left feet respectively. He was seen to be strolling along quite happily in no shoes and stark naked. This did not make a major outcry from the crowd, as it was nothing new - Bear has been running around stark naked in a black g-string for weeks, and cavebear doing it in socks looked like a poor imitation.
Another person, who we will call "atawa", for example, was also seen to be wearing odd socks. However, his socks were green and yellow respectively. Our sources also claim that the green sock had a tinge of turqouise-blue at the top, and the yellow one had gravy stains. This was seen to be very peculiar, as gravy has been banned for the common people for years.
This raises some important questions about equality and, more importantly, gravy. The cabinet is obviously stuffing themselves with gravy, laughing in our faces as we make do with sage and onion stuffing. Furthermore, coloured socks were banned under the 3rd line of the 5th paragraph in the small print of the Apolyton constitution, which was never published publically due to the fact that it was written on a napkin. A napkin, my friends, which was stained with gravy.
Therefore, this reporter can only conclude that the cabinet has banned coloured socks and gravy in an effort to make us look rather more stupid than we previously managed.
We will, of course, bring more on this story as it comes in. Until then, enjoy your stuffing.
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Bear
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chieftaining something
May 2002
time: 05:20
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PRO COMMUNIST CAUGHT IN BATH WITH SECRETARY
This news it just in, like everything else we publish. A pro communist citizen, who will be called "Mr President", was caught in the bath today with his secretary. And, rather more worryingly, a goat of the male variety.
The secretary, whose name was Joanne, and a very nice young secretary she is too, was totally naked in the bath with the citizen, who was re-enacting the great invastion of the Egyptian-American continent using a rubber duck, a bottle of shampoo and a part of his body we can not publish due to legal issues (and the fact that I couldn't help myself making jokes about it).
Joanne was obviously rather bored, as was seen in the photos which our illustrious photographer took from his vantage point hidden in the toilet. However, due to legal reasons (and the fact that we want 'em), we can not publish the photo's. We can tell you, however, that she was in rather a compromising position with the goat, just as the citizen was invading Philadelphia.
On the subject of the goat - it is a male zeb-goat, crossed between a Roman Zebra and an Apolyton Goat. It wore a bell around its neck, but apart from that was totally naked. It also appeared to agree with us that the young secretary was, indeed, very nice.
To cut a long story short, the citizen got out of the bath after successfully invading America, and allowed us to interview him. He kept asking us to advertise the fact that although he was married and had seven children, he was still open to offers, and was looking for a new secretary.
The bath, incidentally, was a cream-pink colour.
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Bear
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chieftaining something
May 2002
time: 05:20
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JRABBIT - RABBIT OR BEAR?
JRabbit, a famous member of our nation, was seen yesterday chewing on a piece of salmon. As any self-respectable and intelligent citizen would know, Rabbits do not eat salmon. They would also know that Bears do.
The population of bears in Apolyton has raised in bounds. It started with 1. Then, after a while, it raised to 2, with Bear coming along. That means that the bear population has increased by a massive 200%! This influx of species to the nation may lead to some species of animal converting into bears - we are seeing signs of this happening with JRabbit, Apolytons famous rabbit. He has been seen leaving his burrow in the middle of the night (again seen by our photographer hidden strategically in a toilet) and making his way to a large cave, where he ate a dozen berries and fell asleep. At dawn, he crawled back to his burrow, had a whisky, and promptly fell asleep. Again.
This was repeated for several weeks, in which time JRabbit did not thankfully use the toilet once. APOLYTON TODAY's photographer emerged with the photo's, but was sadly run over by a camel hurrying to deliver two thousand red and two thousand five hundred blue socks to the Apolyton Cabinet chambers. Sadly, he did not survive, and the photo's were mashed beyond recognition. Still, we all had a good laugh about it.
Back on story: A leading Apolyton scientist claimed that if this influx of bears continued, we could be looking at 51% of the voters being bears within three months. This would lead to them voting for issues such as:
Increased honey reserves
Increased picnic basket reserves
Increased marmalade reserves
These issues do, of course, depend on which type of bear the bears are. JRabbit is showing some signs of being of the Yogius variety, as he lives in a cave. Cavebear is also of the Yogius variety. However, Bear is of the Poohius variety, as he loves honey. This could present problems in the future, as the bear factions could break away to form new areas of Apolyton. There is of course also the Paddingtonius variety of bear, but since thats an English one it is doubtful that this will become a major faction.
The scientist was quickly shot under article 17.829 of the Apolyton constitution (which was not published publically due to it being written on a gravy-stained napkin) which prevented him from talking about anything other than the migration patterns of Swallows.
We also planned to give an article on the migration patterns of swallows today, but due to events beyond our control we were prevented from doing so.
More on this, as on every other, story as we get it.
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cavebear
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of the Pleistocene
Oct 1999
time: 00:20
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Issued by Presidential spokesperson and consultant Cleopatra:
"The President has never been seen wearing red or blue socks. He wears only black socks, precisely to avoid any potentially damaging "mismatch" issues that might cause concern among the Citizens.
"We are, however, aware that certain subversive political operatives have hired an actor of general superficial resemblance to the President. This person has been observed in locations where the President was scheduled to make public appearances, and he is actively being sought by the authorities for questioning.
"Our internal security agency is investigating the possibility that such actions are part of a small (but vocal) minority who favor a Fundamentalist revolution in our Glorious Worker's Paradise. These disaffected ones are not willing to participate in our basic philosophy of "from each according to their abilty, to each according to their need", as incribed in marble over the very doors of the Premier's modest residence. Indeed, they wish only ultimate power controlled by the fanatical elite who will never do a moment's work in their lifetimes, unlike the Premier, who bakes bread and makes soup for his fellow Citizens in need during all his spare time.
"We discount the false rumors (planted by the Fundamentalists, no doubt) that the Democrat-Capitalists are responsible for this insult to the Premier. The majority of the members of the Capitalist cells are really our own agents anyway, and we would have heard about the plans.
"Your Premier promises to get to the bottom of this and "re-educate" the unfortunate and mislead paparazzi in the ways of the inevitable historical dialectic."
Thank you...
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Bear
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chieftaining something
May 2002
time: 05:20
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Issued by Apolyton Today Press Secretary:
"Apolyton Today would like to stress that it holds no political affiliation to any particular party, sect or faction. It is completely unbiased in its views, and will not tolerate any challenges to this policy."
"Our sole intention is to report the news, if and when it happens. In this case, we were told from a reliable source that the Premier was wearing odd socks, and because this is of intrest to the public, it was printed. We have a RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH and will NOT TOLERATE CENSORSHIP of any sort."
"The staff of Apolyton Today do not wish to embark on a political or personal feud, and the articles it prints are not to be taken this way. It will do everything in its power to print stories which are of intrest to the public in such a manner that offense can not be taken."
"If, however, offense has been taken, we maintain our RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH and will NOT TOLERATE CENSORSHIP OF ANY SORT."
"On a side note, the only political affiliation Apolyton Today has is to the nation on the whole, to get the best range of articles possible - if 40% of the population is pro-Democratic, the newspaper will be 40% pro-Democratic."
"Apolyton Today also stresses that the majority of Cabinet officials are "affiliated" with the newspaper, and can safely say that the Government has no units infiltrating the newspaper or its staff."
"On another side note, we promise to counter the Governments efforts for our re-education, and to maintain our RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH and not tolerating CENSORSHIP OF ANY SORT."
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Bear
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chieftaining something
May 2002
time: 05:20
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APOLYTON SOLDIERS CONFUSED OVER REGIMENT NAMES
This story comes straight from the top - a General of the Apolyton Army claims that his troops are so confused about the names of their regiments they do not even know which ones they are in. The General, who leads the 567th Mounted Armoured Heavy Light Moutain Divisional Cavalry Musketeers, officially stationed in Apolyton but spread over seven major cities, claimed that his troops are so bewildered they simply lay down their weapons and do something easier. This has ranged from turning iron into gold, crushing coal into diamonds and trying to work out what women really mean when they say "Its not you, its me".
There are officially 2,983 Musketeer regiments in the Apolyton Army, and 672,001 Cavalry squadrons. There is also apparently 227 Hyena Regiments and 927 Regiments for the mountain dwellers of the Apolyton Mountain Range (which does not actually exist). There is also a division of armed lemmings and 3 Brigades of zeb-goats (mentioned in a previous article).
One soldier of the 19th Medium-to-Heavy Mounted Hyenas stated "Its bloomin ridiculous. I don't even know where my friends are.. I'm just stuck with five hundred hyenas. The laughing is driving me mad!". Another soldier, this one of the 1st Regiment of Musketeers, asked what all the fuss was about. The General was so angry that he had this Regiment renamed to the 789th Regiment of Apolyton half-breed lemmings.
This reporter can only assume that the General has gone totally potty. Luckily, Mr Where Its At popped out with a photocopy of the Apolyton constitution (which, as you know, was never published publically as it was written on the back of a gravy-stained napkin) and promptly stabbed him with a fork.
We have since heard that the Regiments have been renamed. Our reporter asked a spokesperson why the Regiments had been named so badly, to which he received several stab wounds to the face with a fork. Another spokesperson was more clear, and stabbed him in the groin.
We can therefore only assume that this was a terrible clerical error, which was thankfully corrected before too much damage was done. However, the 19th Regiment of Flying Fork-armed Lemmings was kept, and our reporter was transferred to it for a six month national service period. The editor, thankfully, avoided this, by claiming to have three apendix's. This exempts him from national service and paying tax until 1950.
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-Jrabbit
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of the Electronic Egyptians
Feb 2002
time: 23:20
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LETTER TO THE EDITOR
To Whom It May Concern,
I hereby deny being a bear. As proof, I offer my name, my avatar, and the fact that I am allergic to salmon. I can bring forth numerous character witnesses to support this fact.
Lagomorphs uber alles!
-Jrabbit
Last edited by -Jrabbit on 26-06-2002 at 17:40
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123john321
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All of the above, who wants a poll on this?
-y
-n
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Bear
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chieftaining something
May 2002
time: 05:20
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CITIZENS ANGRY AT TABLOID
Reports have been coming in consistently today that the citizens of Apolyton are expressing concern at the purpose of Apolyton Today. Most members have had a good laugh, but some have condoned it as being "bad for the political situation".
One citizen, cavebear, remarked that he failed to see the point in it, and said it bore no resemblance to anything happening in the game. Our Editor would prefer to keep out of this debate, but the reporter (whom still has fork wounds to his face and groin) screamed "Have you ever inspected the Lemmings regiments?!" when we questioned him on this.
JRabbit proposed that Apolyton Today was for Bears attention seeking, post count, boredom or all of the above. If it was to seek attention - he wins! But it wasn't. Nor was it to increase his post count, or to do with his incessant boredom.
The point of Apolyton Today is to bring hilariousity to the glorious nation and its citizens, giving them a chance to read about their government and their fellow citizens. Apolyton Today believes, and knows, that there is a lot of voter apathy because the citizens just do not know who is running things. As was previously mentioned, Today's political affiliation is with the citizens, and we strive to highlight the names of the "celebrities" of the Apolyton world - those in the limelight.
Apolyton Today would like to say to all its readers that we are not attempting to create character profiles for the members of the Apolyton Cabinet, past or present - we are simply attempting to highlight their names. Whether the President wears red socks, blue socks, yellow socks or no socks should not determine the voting - if a person votes on this, it is simply a wasted vote.
On the subject of bearing no resemblance to anything happening in the game, Apolyton Today stresses that it COULD be. We could report on the state of the millitary (whether good or bad), or on the state of the sewage systems of our cities, or on the fact that Apolyton fishermen are accidently killing 370% more dolphins this decade than last. But, we don't - that would be boring and not in the intrest of our readers, who want some time out from the hustle and bustle of Apolyton politics. Instead, we write things which are funny and humourous, and, provided you can take a light hearted joke, not offensive.
If, unfortuently, you do not fit into this category, I never asked you to click on this topic in the first place, or indeed to read it.
Apolyton Today maintains its right to write what it wants when it wants, although it apologises for any offense caused and swears it was not purposeful.
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25-06-2002 22:58
). But I am very, very confused.
Attachment: 
You must excuse him. What a hero! 
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