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Roadkill Quiche
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Houston, TX
Nov 2001
time: 05:20
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What follows is a transcript of the Processus, conducted in the Cathedral of Notre Dame de Paris in the Year of Our Lord 1620.
OBSEQUIOUS SUBALTERN: All rise for His Eminence, R. Cardinal Quiche, Archbishop of Paris, Vicar of Christ, Defender of the Faith, Holder of the Sacred Chalice of Ricks . . .
CQ: Enough with the titles already. The Cathedral is holding a charity heretic roast, so we don't have all day. Her Excellency, Madame la Presidente, has taken it into her pretty little head that she would like to be a saint. The purpose of this Processus is to hear testimony regarding her Miraculous and Wondrous Works, so that the transcript (and the buck) can be passed to Rome for the final say-so on her beatification. I caution the witnesses that if I'm not out of here by 18:00, there'll be holy hell to pay. So who's first?
WITNESS 1: I was here in 4000 B.C. when the Saint didst verily cause the City of Paris to rise as a Shining City from the desert. All glory and praise to God and to His Saints!
CQ: Hmmm, most impressive. But I caution the witness that it is for the Holy Church of Rome, and not for him, to decide who's a saint and who aint. Would the Advocatus Diaboli care to respond?
AD: With all due deference to Her Excellency, the President, while the raising of Paris in 4000 B.C. was a major accomplishment, similar feats were worked at the same time in London and Zimbabwe. We must conclude that was done not through divine intervention, but by the sweat of those who settled them, since Our Most Catholic God would not lift a finger for a heretic like Elizabeth or a heathen like Shaka.
CQ: Good point, AD. And I'd eat my miter before I saw that tart, Elizabeth, canonized. Looks like we'll need to consider some other miracles. Who's next?
WITNESS 2: I was at Orleans in 2950 B.C., when the Saint didst verily cause it to rise as a Shining City from the desert. All glory and praise to God and to His Saints!
CQ: Hmmmmm, someone seems not to be listening to my instructions. I think I can handle this one, AD. If raising glorious Paris wasn't a miracle, then surely a pit like Orleans . . .
AD: (coughing subtly) Need I remind His Eminence of Her Excellency's partiality to Orleans?
CQ: Oh, get with it, AD. Nobody falls for that "Maid of Orleans" crap anymore. Let's hear from the next witness.
WITNESS 1: When the S . . . I mean the Presidente . . . did raise Holy Paris from the desert, she did confer on the French People the blessings of superabundant beaver.
CQ: Beaver? Did I hear you correctly? The fury little creatures with the oversized incisors?
WITNESS 1: Yes, your Eminence. There was beaver everywhere, and the People of France praised God with psalms and thanksgiving!
CQ: Well, I must say that this matter of Her Excellency's beaver . . . I would instruct the Advocatus Diaboli to cease his snickering and explain what he finds so funny.
AD: Without meaning offense, your Eminence, the term "beaver," in certain circles that your Eminence doubtlessly does not frequent, refers to those portions of Her Excellency that one of the cloth is advised against contemplating.
CQ: (turning the shade of a beet) And so we shall not. What other miracles are to to be writ in Her Excellency's book of merit?
WITNESS 3: I was in Amiens for the Great Elephant Stampede of 1200 B.C., when all the cities of France ran riot with pachyderms.
WITNESS 4: I was in Rouen, for the Miracle of the Blessed Sacrament, when all the cities of France were awash in the Blood of our Blessed Savior.
CQ: Those were certainly momentous times for France, as even the Advocatus Diaboli must concede.
AD: I concede the moment, but not the import. Whatever benefit flowed from the Elephant Stampede was more than offset by the burden to the municipal sanitation workers. And while the manifestation of the Blessed Sacrament was for a time seen as a Sign of Her Excellency's holiness, Her Excellency promptly traded the Blessed Sacrament to Shaka for 200 gold and the secrets of feudalism. Against the credit in her Book of Merit, must surely be weighed the debit of trading the Blood of Christ for filthy lucre.
CQ: Your concerns are noted, and will be forwarded to Rome with the rest of this Processus. Next miracle?
WITNESS 5: I was in Jerusalem in 650, when the Holy City broke itself from the yoke of Roman oppression and attached itself to the lands of Holy France. The hosanna's that rang from the Church of the Holy Sepulcher were loud enough to shake the Gates of Heaven. It was on account of Her Excellency's piety that the French flag now flies over the lands where Christ once walked.
AD: A more penetrating analysis of events reveals that it was on account of French culture that the people of Jerusalem decided to join us. The noises that issued from the Church of the Holy Sepulcher were, on closer study, shown to consist of several Rameou arias and various chansons des gestes.
CQ: I am familiar with those studies, and would invite any further testimony regarding the miracles of Her Excellency.
WITNESS 6: I was in Coventry in 1320, when Her Excellency inflicted Just and Holy War on the heretic English, smiting them with her Righteous Wrath and seizing their lands for the glory and augmentation of France.
CQ: Ah, Holy War. The lamentations of the infidel are as a pleasing canticle to the Ear of the Almighty, while the smoke of their cities plays sweetly in his nostrils.
AC: That may be, Your Eminence, but there was little that was miraculous about the English War. Most of that war was fought by French cavalry against English spearmen. There was little need for the Almighty's intervention.
WITNESS 7: I was in Palmyra, in 1520, when Her Excellency inflicted Just and Holy War on the Romans, to take from their filthy hands the Holy Relics of Christ's Apostles.
AC: Ahemm. I believe it was not the Holy Relics of the Apostles that motivated Her Excellency, but the gem mines of Pompeii.
CQ: Surely the Advocatus Diaboli would admit the possibility of a mixed motive in that matter. The Roman War was a glorious time for France . . . Why, Your Excellency, what a pleasant surprise! What brings you to Notre Dame?
Jd'Arc: Enough of the pontification and foot-dragging, Quiche. I want to be a Saint, and I want it now.
CQ: Surely Your Excellency is aware of the procedures that the Holy Church has established to ensure that none who make the rolls of Her Blessed Saints are inscribed in error? If you wish to hasten the process, you might consider surrendering yourself to the English so that they may burn you as a martyr for your Faith.
Jd'Arc: I might also consider ripping out your tongue for that bit of insolence. The English were exterminated in 1380. Cut the crap, Quiche.
CQ: You must appreciate, Your Excellency, that my hands are tied in this matter. The Holy Church has a policy that limits the ranks of sainthood to the Blessed Dead. As a living person, Your Excellency would be unable to carry out the main task that is appointed the saints -- intercession before the Throne of God in response to the prayers of the Faithful.
Jd'Arc: You think I've let that sort of contrived limit stop me in the past. I've conquered half the world, Quiche. You better think of something fast, before I lose my patience.
CQ: Alas, Madame, there is nothing I can do. The final authority resides in Rome . . .
Jd'Arc: Which just fell to the French army. (gasps in the cathedral).
CQ: (breaks into a greedy and calculating smile) With Rome in French hands, it would seem appropriate that the Throne of Saint Peter be graced by a French rump.
Jd'Arc: And I suppose that rump would be yours? I'm in a mood to deal, Quiche. If I make you Pope, then will you make me a Saint?
CQ: Your Excellency drives a hard bargain.
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05-07-2002 23:44
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