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DarkCloud
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of Lists
Jul 2000
time: 05:20
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What follows is a Lite Humorous-Civ Tale 
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The Lone Hero
7-13-02
“Lord God, do you realize that all our units are truly made up of but one person and that when he suffers enough damage, he dies!” Raj implored the plaster, oversized eagle-head of King Tutankhamen II, waving the parchment wildly in the air.
King Tutankhamen II glared. “I know all. I see all. I am son of the all seeing and all encompassing Ra. I am the Eye of the God on the land. I am a God. Do you not think that I know that. Now, what do you have on that parchment?”
Raj threw the parchment at the King and bowed. “Lord God, this is terrible news, terrible news.”
Tutankhamen II read the parchment and frowned, then carelessly tossed it to the floor. “I already knew that.” He declared. “I know all news, all things, I am Lord God, son of Ra. I am son of Seti IV as well, a mortal God, confined to the confines of the Great Grain Pyramids of Memphis. It is a sad day now that this ‘Elvis’ of Memphis has proclaimed himself to be King. I would not trust one of my advisors to betray me so. But I knew that he betrayed me!” Tutankhamen raised his head in anguish. “And I will have him crushed. Crushed like a Volkswagon Bug.”
“Sir?” Raj asked.
“Crushed like a Volkswagon Bug.” Tutankhamen II declared. “Remember, we eradicated them. Not the royal ‘we’, but the entire empire. It was by my Godly decree in the year 2420 BC (Before Christan Era)… Remember, we must perpare for the Christan Era… Despite the fact that there are no Jews… Even as slaves… However, we respect the alternative universes and use their calendar reckonings- however, it was in the Godly Year of my reign- 3T2 (The 3rd year of the reign Tutankhamen II)
“Elvis will rot in a river of blood.”
“Yes Lord God!” Raj answered, beating his hand against his chest.
Tutankhamen II nodded his head, causing the eagle plaster mold to fall from his face. “Damn.” He muttered as it crashed to the floor, shattering into a million billion trillion centillion pieces on the newly plastered white tiled floor. “I knew I shouldn’t have upgraded that part of my throne room. Damn the architect.”
Tutankhamen lamented. “Now where will I find a model for an eagle-head. Eagles never existed in Ancient Egypt- even in this alternative universe!”
“I know not.” Replied Raj, bowing.
“You wouldn’t, would you.” Tutankhamen II glared. “But, then again- I know!” Tutankhamen rose from his throne, a rickety old wooden chair and stepped forth. “Yes, I know, we will find them in America! Send the Triremes to America!”
“We only have one trireme. Remember. The Lone Hero complex sir? All countries suffer it- even the Barbarians.”
“Ah yes, I remember, well, send that trireme out on his voyage. I must have an Eagle model!” Tutankhamen’s regal voice boomed.
“Yes Lord God.” Raj replied, rising.
“Go forth and spread the word-“ Tutankhamen ordered. “Elvis is to be dead- the trireme is to go to America, and Volkswagon Bugs are extinct!”
“Yes Lord God.” Raj answered, retreating.
*
The Lone Hero sat in his trireme studying the amazingly incomplete maps.
“Blast. I wish there wasn’t such a thing as fog of war.” He said to no one in particular as he sat aboard the Trireme, its lone commander.
“Now I have to find this ‘America.’ Maybe if I sail East, I’ll get to the west quicker.
And he set forth on his voyage.
*
“We gotta keepa rockin’” Elvis jiggled his thighs, screaming into the microphone.
“Memphis- yagotta keep happy- ready fer anythang.” He shook his hips and gyrated, entertaining the audience.
Several young girls screamed happily and fainted.
“Sir!” A running messenger approached him.
“Yeah? What’s it?” Elvis asked the messenger and noticed that he was crying.
“You ain’t nothing but a hound dog. Cryin’ all the time.” He scolded the messenger.
“You’ll cry too when you hear the message.” The messenger announced.
“What? Blue Hawaii sunk into the ocean or something? King Hammurabi of Babylon outlawed my songs? There’s a Riot in Cell Block Number 5?”
“That last song wasn’t yours.” A voice from the audience shouted.
“Whau said that?” Elvis glared.
There was only silence in reply. Elvis shook his head and turned to the messenger. “Yeah, what is it?”
The messenger’s bottom lip quivvered. “They are sending ONE Warrior after us.”
“Oh no!” Elvis gyrated in shock. “Wish we had a miliatreh unit ta counter it.”
“All is lost!” The messenger screamed and collapsed.
“We’ll I’ll just have ta keep playin’ and hope I ken convince him ta join us.”
Former Cultural Advisor Elvis launched into another song.
*
The Lone Hero cursed the mediterranean ocean as his ship went down. “It’s only four squares wide!” He screamed as he perished between the roaring waves.
Fate laughed.
*
Fate stubbed its toe.
*
Fate cried.
*
“Well… I do think that we can work something out.” The diplomat spoke to Elvis.
“I thaught ya was a warrior?” Elvis gyrated his hips, hypnotizing the diplomat.
“I was a warrior, until fate stubbed its toe and changed this universe.”
“Ah, a carrupted game file?” Elvis asked.
“Yes- a corrupted game file.” The Diplomat repeated.
“Now we are friends, are we not?”
“As lang as tha luxury rate increases, yeah.” Elvis replied.
“Oh, it shall.” The Diplomat answered.
“Than we have a deal.” Elvis shook his hand.
*
King Tutankhamen II became King Thutmose III.
King Thutmose III sat in his throne room. “Wasn’t I someone else a second ago?” He asked his advisor, Raj.
“No Lord God.” Raj replied.
“Well, fate has to do some strange things every now and then… And I suppose corrupted saves is one of them.”
“Yes Lord God.”
“Well, how’s Elvis.”
“He’s still rocking.”
“Still the Luxuries Advisor.”
“Yes my lord.”
“What about America.”
“We don’t know it exists.”
“Good.”
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14-07-2002 02:39
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