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Metaliturtle
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University of Wisconsin Stevens Point
Mar 2002
time: 23:21
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Author's Note: Hey, I felt like writing again, feedback rocks, please tell me what you liked and what you didn't like.
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The Civil War was over, the powerful warriors of China were finally on the same side, and the vast land of China was rapidly growing smaller to these warlike individuals.
United under the wise guidance of Zhuge Liang, the once turmoltuous land had returned to peace, but the men still sought battle.
Zhang Fei, a warrior known for skill in battle and not diplomacy, entered the Imperial Chambers and began a discourse with the wise Zhuge.
"Master, my men are angry and I want to kill things, why do we not invade the mongol hordes to the north and rid their scourge from our lives? All they do is trash our great wall and fart in our general direction."
"Do not presume that I have not sensed their ill wind of anger, and I am well aware of the monetary bind they put upon our budget."
"So can we go attack those evil gasbags?"
"Sure"
And so it passed, that the army of China decided to go kill some guys from Mongolia.
"Ghengis, the wall is opening!!"
"What?! You sh*tting me?!"
"No sir, I would never sh*t you, the physical aspects alone boggle the mind."
"No, I mean are you kidding?"
"No sir."
"Well, I guess we invade"
"Yes sir."
The Mongolian hordes mounted and soon found themselves face to face with the multitudinous Chinese army.
"Umm, Ghengis?"
"What!"
"They can kick our butts."
"I know, but we're all dressed up, so I'll challenge the leader to a duel, maybe we'll win without losing lives."
Back in the Chinese camp.
"Lord Zhang Fei, where are you going?"
"I'm going to go challenge Ghengis to a duel, he's such an @sshole"
"I admire you sir."
"I am pretty d@mn cool now aren't I?"
"Hell yes sir!"
So both warriors ran out to challenge each other to a duel.
"Zhang Fei!"
"Ghengis Khan!"
"I challenge you.."
"..to a Duel!!!"
They lined up, spears readied, both prepared for the most difficult opponent they would ever fight.
The proctor blew the whistle, and both warriors whipped their steeds with as much force as they could muster, which was a lot of force, after all, they're powerful warriors. The horses thundered at full gallop, they both set their spears, the tension was unbearable, and everything seemed to be going in slow motion. They were aware of everything, the breath of the horses, the weight of the spear, the unusual chill of the morning air, and Ghengis had a strange itch on his thigh.
Finally, the warriors collided, and soon they were off their horses battling one on one.
"Zhang Fei, you're an idiot!"
"No you am!"
With that, Zhang Fei brought his spear back, and thrust it through the neck of Ghengis, making sure to show the head at the tip of his spear to all when he mounted his horse.
"Nobody Calls Zhang Fei an idiot but Zhang Fei's wife!!!!"
The end!?
((If you want the conquest to continue please give me feedback!!))
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Metaliturtle
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University of Wisconsin Stevens Point
Mar 2002
time: 23:21
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And so the Chinese were beginning to spread and multiply, when they were made aware of a new threat. A race of pale people with warts on their ugly faces were infringing on the border of the newly enlarged Chinese Empire.
"ECH, what the hell is that?!"
"That is the most flattering photograph of Catherine, the ruler of the pale ones."
"Why does she have a tick on her face?"
"She's a dog sir, ticks love dogs."
"But....it's....Hairy"
"Hairy ticks love dogs too sir"
"You're making some of this up, aren't you?"
"Yes sir, it isn't a tick, it's a mole"
"Pretty small for a mole, is it digging out of her face or something?"
"Sure sir."
"Well, she's ugly enough that we can declare war on her for crimes against humanity, making somebody paint THAT is cruel and unusual punishment if there ever was such a thing."
"I will tell Zhang Fei."
Zhang Fei was in his house explaining to his sons why 20 wives were better than just 1.
"You see, it is medically impossible for 20 women to all have headaches on the same night, therefore you get booty when you want or need it."
"But father, what if I want to have a meaningful relationship with a woman?"
"Believe me, you don't, she'll talk your ear off and make you impotent."
"What is impotent?"
"It's when the cold-hearted witch slices...."
"Zhang Fei! We are at war once more!!"
"We'll finish this later son."
Zhang Fei rode across the countryside, rallying his army from their homes, he was excited because he had recieved a new weapon to use against these people. When his army was assembled, the drapery was removed swiftly, and the army saw themselves staring back.
"What the-"
"It's a mirror sire, these Russians are so ugly that they'll scare themselves to death"
"Really? Cool!!'
The army marched onward to the cold northern land of Russia.
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Metaliturtle
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University of Wisconsin Stevens Point
Mar 2002
time: 23:21
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Zhang Fei rode towards the Russian Army, outnumbered, but confident in his eventual victory. The mirror was to remain covered until just after negotiations took place.
Zhang Fei initiated the talks.
"We're here for land and to rid the world of ugly Russians, um, is that a mole or a wart?"
"And you Chinese bastards better prepare yourselves for the trouncing of a lifetime!"
They returned to their respective sides, and the mirror was unsheathed, immediately the Russian army looked directly at it. Unfortunately for Zhang Fei, he didn't realize that so many ugly people is just too ugly for a mirror to take, and the large polished sheet of glass shattered, wounding several Chinese that were standing nearby.
"Sh*t! This means we have to have an old fashioned fight men! I want you to be busier that a one-legged man at an @ss kicking!!"
Zhang Fei could always raise his troops' spirits.
The Chinese charged the Russians, the battle-hardened Chinese proved no match for the mediocre Russian army, and soon the Chinese were at the Russian's heels.
"Go back to Moscow you panzies!!!"
"OK" the russian army replied in unison.
The victory was with the Chinese, they walked to the nearest city to see what all they could plunder. Zhang Fei got the luckiest, apparently not all of the Russians were ugly, as he proved with his two new wives, the Kournikova sisters.
"A successful battle! We must send a messenger to lord Zhuge!"
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Want more? Give feedback!!
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Metaliturtle
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University of Wisconsin Stevens Point
Mar 2002
time: 23:21
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Chrisius, I do respect your opinion, but you must see where I am coming from when I write these.
1. While writing serious stories, I tend to get bored. Writing abstract stories about stupid leaders getting lucky in their conquests, or having orgies, although an insult to some peoples' intelligence, still makes writing fun, and ultimately better for all who read it.
2. I also don't have as much time to write as others on this forum, so my stories tend to jump quickly and sometimes sporadically, this works good in some stories like CGW, but in this case the structure was not as good as it could have been and I don't consider this to be one of my finer works by any means.
3. I also recieved somewhat of a typecast when CGW did so well. Before CGW, I was an unknown on the forums and my first story, which was extremely serious, made it hard for me to develop dialogue and became very quickly a flop. After CGW, still in the opinion of many the best comedy of these forums, I got comments on my serious stories like "this isn't funny" so I gave up on the seriousness.
4. And the Monty Python thing, they rock and I do use bits of their stuff every now and again 
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26-08-2002 01:22
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