20-12-2002 05:51									#1
	Holiday Tunes! Increase the size of your Attachments

The Chanukah Song
Put on your yarmulke
Its time for Chanukah
So much funnaka
To celebrate Chanukah

Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents
We get eight crazy nights

When you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree
Here's a new list of people who are Jewish
Just like you and me

Winona Ryder,
Drinks Manischewitz wine
Then spins a draydle with Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein

Guess who gives and receives
Loads of Chanukah toys
The girls from Veruca Salt and all three Beastie Boys

Lenny Kravitz is half Jewish,
Courtney Love is half too
Put them together
What a funky bad ass Jew

We got Harvey Keitel
And flash dancer Jennifer Beals
Yasmine Bleeth from Baywatch is Jewish
And yes her boobs are real

Put on your yarmulka
Its time for Chanukah
2 time Ocsar winning Dustin Hoffmanaka
celebrates Chanukah

O.J. Simpson
Still not a Jew
But guess who is,
The guy who does the voice for Scooby Doo

Bob Dylan was born a Jew
Then he wasn't
but now he's back,
Mary Tyler Moore's husband is Jewish
'Cause we're pretty good in the sack.

Guess who got bar-mitzvahed
On the PGA tour
No I'm not talking about Tiger Woods
I'm talkin' about Mr. Happy Gilmore.

So many Jews are in the show biz
Bruce Springsteen isn't Jewish
But my mother thinks he is.

Tell the world-amanaka
It's time for Chanukah
It's not pronounced Ch-nakah
The C is silent in Chanukah
So read your hooked on phonica
Get drunk in Tijuanaka
If you really really wannaka
Have a happy happy happy happy Chanukah!

	20-12-2002 05:53									#2
	Remove this text

Have your self an Ozzy little Christmas
(Parody of Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas)



Have yourself an Ozzy little Christmas
Give a bat a bite
Decorate your devil head with twinkling lights
Ozzy Christmas, Ozzy family Christmas

Have yourself an Ozzy little Christmas
Let the “F” word fly
From now on those censors will be up all night
All those bad words, mother bleeping bad words

He’s repented his bolder days
And his druggy ways of yore
Faithful friends who got smashed with him, don’t bring hash to him no more

We’re pretty sure
Through the slurs you almost can decipher
When he speaks aloud
He’s the hottest star among the head-bang crowd

So have yourself an Ozzy, Ozzy, Ozzy, Ozzy, Ozzy little Christmas now

	20-12-2002 05:54									#3
	Inflate your Upload Space

Merry F*cking Christmas by Mr Garrison

I heard there is no Christmas
In the silly Middle East
No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus
They have different religious beliefs

They believe in Muhammad
And not in our holiday
And so every December
I go to the Middle East and say...

"Hey there Mr. Muslim
Merry ****ing Christmas
Put down that book the Koran
And hear some holiday wishes.

In case you haven't noticed
It's Jesus's birthday.
So get off your heathen Muslim ass
and ****ing celebrate.

There is no holiday season in India I've heard
They don't hang up their stockings
And that is just absurd!

They've never read a Christmas story.
They don't know what Rudolph is about
And that is why in December
I'll go to India and shout...

Hey there Mr. Hinduist
Merry ****ing Christmas
Drink eggnog and eat some beef
And pass it to the missus.

In case you haven't noticed
It's Jesus's birthday
So get off your heathen Hindu ass
and ****ing celebrate!

Now I heard that in Japan
Everyone just lives in sin
They pray to several gods
And put needles in their skin.

On December 25th
All they do is eat a cake
And that is why I go to Japan
And walk around and say...

Hey there Mr. Shintoist
Merry ****ing Christmas
God is going to kick your ass
You infidelic pagan scum.

In case you haven't noticed
There's festive things to do
So lets all rejoice for Jesus
And Merry ****ing Christmas to you.

On Christmas day I travel `round the world and say,
Taoists, Krishnas, Buddhists, and all you atheists too,
Merry ****ing Christmas, To You!

(Clapping)

Thank you Mr. hat

	20-12-2002 06:05									#4
	Suffering from ads?

I much prefer the Nutcracker Suite… myself

	20-12-2002 06:05									#5
	Support Apolyton or Terrorists Win

Adam Sandler just did a third one on the SNL Christmas Special

	20-12-2002 06:26									#6
	Full PM-box? Change here!

Weeeee wish you weren't living with us,
We wish you weren't living with us,
We wish you weren't living with us,
We're not happy you're here.

You drive everybody crazy,
You're hopelessly fat and lazy,
You're constantly in the way here,
So pack up your gear!

You're feeding your face,
And taking up space!
We wish you weren't living with us,
We're not happy you're here.

Correct us if we're mistaken,
But those are long distance calls you're making,
How long do plan on taking
Advantage of us?

We wish you weren't living with us,
We wish you weren't living with us,
We wish you weren't living with us...

Get out of town!

	20-12-2002 06:44									#7
	Get a bigger avatar today!

Bob: Ok g'day. This is the Christmas part of the album, you can play this at your Christmas partys uh, or to yourself on Christmas eve if there is nothing else to do
Doug: G'day eh? in case you thought like I wasn't on this part.
Bob: Oh i gaurentee ya, you'd be on.
Ok so good day, this is the Christmas part, and we're gonna tell ya what to get your true love for Christmas.
Doug: Look out the window!
Bob: Where? Whaddya doin?
Doug:Snow!
Bob: Oh it's the great white north, and it's snowin cuz its Christmas time.
Hey, hoser! heres a quiz.. quiz for doug:
Doug: Ok, I got my thinking toque on!
Bob: Yeah, right. What are the 12 days of Christmas?
Doug: Um.
Bob: Cuz figure it out , right? Christmas is when?
Doug: The 25th.
Bob: Right, well whats the 24th? Xmas eve ,right.
Doug: Thats 2.
Bob: Then , whats after that?
Doug: Wrestling day
Bob: No.
Doug: Boxing day.
Bob: Thats 3. Then whats after that? Nothin'.
Doug: New years.
Bob: 4.
Doug: New years eve.
Bob: 5. Where da ya get 12?
Doug: Uh... theres 2 sat's and sun's in there , 4. Thats 9 and 3 other days which i believe are the mystery days.
Ok, this is our Christmas song, in case ya don't know what to get someone for Christmas.
Doug: Theres lotsa ideas in here, so listen and don't get stuck. By the way , thats me on the organ.
Bob: Ok geeze.
Doug: Ok, you start.
Bob: Ok, on the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.. beer.
On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... 2 turtlenecks, and beer.
On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.. 3 french toast, 2 turtlenecks, and beer. There should be more there, eh? Where?
On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.. 4lbs of backbacon, 3 french toast, 2 turtlenecks, and beer in a tree. Oh. See? ya need more.
On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.. 5 GOLDEN TOQUES! 4lbs of backbacon, 3 french toast, 2 turtlenecks, and beer in a tree.
On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.. 6 packs of two-four. 5 GOLDEN TOQUES! 4lbs of backbacon, 3 french toast, 2 turtlenecks, and beer in a tree.
Ok.
On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.. 7 packs of smokes, 6 packs of two-four, 5 GOLDEN TOQUES! 4lbs of backbacon, 3 french toast, 2 turtlenecks, and beer in a tree. oh, i keep forgettin'.
whew, this should be just the 2 days of xmas, this is too hard for us!
On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.. 8 comic books, 7 packs of smokes, 6 packs of two-four, 5 GOLDEN TOQUES! 4lbs of backbacon, 3 french toast, 2 turtlenecks, and beer in a tree.
Wow,That beers empty
Day 12.
G'day and welcome to day 12.
Yeah.
5 GOLDEN TOQUES! 4lbs of backbacon, 3 french toast, 2 turtlenecks, and beer in a tre-e.
Where did you learn to do that? Uh, Albums. Boy, so thats our song merry Christmas, and g'day. G'day everybody. Happy new years.
Ok, ya know what ya left out? What? Donuts. I told you to get me donuts. Oh no! Either on the 9th day, or the 10th day or the 11th day. I wanted donuts. The song is over merry Christmas everybody, or the 12th you coulda gotten me a dozen donuts. Go to the stores and get some presents. you coulda gone down to the donut shop where you buy a dozen donuts, you get another donut free. Then it coulda been 13 for the 13 days of Christmas.
Next Christmas, get me a chainsaw.
Take off!
Boy that song was a beauty.. it moved me. Yah , it ranks up there w/ stairway to heaven.
What?

	20-12-2002 06:50									#8
	Avatar Enlargement: We've got the solution

the hanukah song is the best, man. adam sandler is GOD...

	20-12-2002 06:54									#9
	Suffering from ads?

No one's gonna post Mr Hanky the Christmas Poo?

	20-12-2002 07:02									#10
	Support Apolyton

quote: Originally posted by chegitz guevara Bob: Ok g'day. This is the Christmas part of the album, you can play this at your Christmas partys uh, or to yourself on Christmas eve if there is nothing else to do Doug: G'day eh? in case you thought like I wasn't on this part. Bob: Oh i gaurentee ya, you'd be on. Ok so good day, this is the Christmas part, and we're gonna tell ya what to get your true love for Christmas. Doug: Look out the window! Bob: Where? Whaddya doin? Doug:Snow! Bob: Oh it's the great white north, and it's snowin cuz its Christmas time. Hey, hoser! heres a quiz.. quiz for doug: Doug: Ok, I got my thinking toque on! Bob: Yeah, right. What are the 12 days of Christmas? Doug: Um. Bob: Cuz figure it out , right? Christmas is when? Doug: The 25th. Bob: Right, well whats the 24th? Xmas eve ,right. Doug: Thats 2. Bob: Then , whats after that? Doug: Wrestling day Bob: No. Doug: Boxing day. Bob: Thats 3. Then whats after that? Nothin'. Doug: New years. Bob: 4. Doug: New years eve. Bob: 5. Where da ya get 12? Doug: Uh... theres 2 sat's and sun's in there , 4. Thats 9 and 3 other days which i believe are the mystery days. Ok, this is our Christmas song, in case ya don't know what to get someone for Christmas. Doug: Theres lotsa ideas in here, so listen and don't get stuck. By the way , thats me on the organ. Bob: Ok geeze. Doug: Ok, you start. Bob: Ok, on the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.. beer. On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... 2 turtlenecks, and beer. On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.. 3 french toast, 2 turtlenecks, and beer. There should be more there, eh? Where? On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.. 4lbs of backbacon, 3 french toast, 2 turtlenecks, and beer in a tree. Oh. See? ya need more. On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.. 5 GOLDEN TOQUES! 4lbs of backbacon, 3 french toast, 2 turtlenecks, and beer in a tree. On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.. 6 packs of two-four. 5 GOLDEN TOQUES! 4lbs of backbacon, 3 french toast, 2 turtlenecks, and beer in a tree. Ok. On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.. 7 packs of smokes, 6 packs of two-four, 5 GOLDEN TOQUES! 4lbs of backbacon, 3 french toast, 2 turtlenecks, and beer in a tree. oh, i keep forgettin'. whew, this should be just the 2 days of xmas, this is too hard for us! On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.. 8 comic books, 7 packs of smokes, 6 packs of two-four, 5 GOLDEN TOQUES! 4lbs of backbacon, 3 french toast, 2 turtlenecks, and beer in a tree. Wow,That beers empty Day 12. G'day and welcome to day 12. Yeah. 5 GOLDEN TOQUES! 4lbs of backbacon, 3 french toast, 2 turtlenecks, and beer in a tre-e. Where did you learn to do that? Uh, Albums. Boy, so thats our song merry Christmas, and g'day. G'day everybody. Happy new years. Ok, ya know what ya left out? What? Donuts. I told you to get me donuts. Oh no! Either on the 9th day, or the 10th day or the 11th day. I wanted donuts. The song is over merry Christmas everybody, or the 12th you coulda gotten me a dozen donuts. Go to the stores and get some presents. you coulda gone down to the donut shop where you buy a dozen donuts, you get another donut free. Then it coulda been 13 for the 13 days of Christmas. Next Christmas, get me a chainsaw. Take off! Boy that song was a beauty.. it moved me. Yah , it ranks up there w/ stairway to heaven. What?

This is a classic.


Hey, Canadians, what exactly is a Toque?

ACK!

	20-12-2002 07:03									#11
	Starchild posted this a while ago but no one paid attention to it. Support Apolyton buy from Amazon

"The Carol of the Old Ones"


Look to the sky, way up on high
There in the night stars are now right.
Eons have passed: now then at last
Prison walls break, Old Ones awake!
They will return: mankind will learn
New kinds of fear when they are here.
They will reclaim all in their name;
Hopes turn to black when they come back.
Ignorant fools, mankind now rules
Where they ruled then: it's theirs again

Stars brightly burning, boiling and churning
Bode a returning season of doom

Scary scary scary scary solstice
Very very very scary solstice

Up from the sea, from underground
Down from the sky, they're all around
They will return: mankind will learn
New kinds of fear when they are here

Look to the sky, way up on high
There in the night stars are now right.
Eons have passed: now then at last
Prison walls break, Old Ones awake!
Madness will reign, terror and pain
Woes without end where they extend.
Ignorant fools, mankind now rules
Where they ruled then: it's theirs again

Stars brightly burning, boiling and churning
Bode a returning season of doom

Scary scary scary scary solstice
Very very very scary solstice

Up from the sea, from underground
Down from the sky, they're all around.

Fear

(Look to the sky, way up on high
There in the night stars now are right)

They will return.

	20-12-2002 07:03									#12
	Inflate your Upload Space

Nope, I didn't want to take the pleasure away from you…

	20-12-2002 07:05									#13
	Christmas At Ground Zero Support Apolyton, buy Alpha Centauri

It's Christmas at Ground Zero
There's music in the air
The sleigh bells are ringin' and the carolers are singin'
While the air raid sirens blare

It's Christmas at Ground Zero
The button has been pressed
The radio just let us know
That this is not a test

Everywhere the atom bombs are droppin'
It's the end of all humanity
No more time for last minute shoppin'
It's time to face your final destiny

Well, it's Christmas at Ground Zero
There's panic in the crowd
We can dodge debris while we trim the tree
Underneath a mushroom cloud

(siren)

You might hear some reindeer on your rooftop
Or Jack Frost on your windowsill
But if someone's climbin' down your chimney
You better load your gun and shoot to kill

Oh, it's Christmas at Ground Zero
And if the radiation level's okay
I'll go out with you and see the all new
Mutations on New Year's Day

It's Christmas at Ground Zero
Just seconds left to go
I'll duck and cover with my yuletide lover
Underneath the mistletoe

It's Christmas at Ground Zero
Now the missiles are on their way
What a crazy fluke we're gonna get nuked
On this jolly holiday
What a crazy fluke we're gonna get nuked
On this jolly holiday

(siren)

	20-12-2002 07:06									#14
	Full PM-box? Change here!

No Fair, Christmas at Ground Zero was mine! I posted it in the other thread...

	20-12-2002 07:12									#15
	Support Apolyton, buy Civilization 2

quote: Hey, Canadians, what exactly is a Toque?

Not sure if you're being serious or not.

A toque is sometimes referred to as a "beanie" by Americans, or sometimes simply a hat.

Allow me to demonstrate:

	20-12-2002 07:12									#16
	Tired of ads?

What other thread?

	20-12-2002 07:16									#17
	Jingle Bells ala Son of Svengoolie Remove this text

Dashing through the snow
In a newly stolen jeep
Laugh at all the folks
And beat up every creep.
Then we mingle in
With the Folks who like to shop
And try and steal a purse or two
Before the call a cop

Oh Snatch a purse
Pocket pick, in the Yuletide crowd
When they find their wallet gone
They'll really hollar loud
But if they knew what we do
They would thank us more
For the real robbery
Is the prices in the store

	20-12-2002 07:23									#18
	Spinal Tap Support Apolyton, buy Call to Power 2

Christmas With The Devil

The elves are dressed in leather
And the angels are in chains
(Christmas with the Devil)

The sugar plums are rancid
And the stockings are in flames
(Christmas with the Devil)

There's a demon in my belly
And a gremlin in my brain
There's someone up the chimney hole
And Satan is his name

The rats ate all the presents
And the reindeer ran away
(Christmas with the Devil)

There'll be no Father Christmas
'Cause it's Evils holiday
(Christmas with the Devil)

No bells in Hell
No snow below-
Silent Night, Violent Night

So come all ye unfaithful
Don't be left out in the cold
You don't need no invitation, no...
Your ticket is your soul

	20-12-2002 07:40									#19
	Got spare money?

quote: Originally posted by Asher Not sure if you're being serious or not. A toque is sometimes referred to as a "beanie" by Americans, or sometimes simply a hat. Allow me to demonstrate:

So a Toque is a balaclava? Or just a hat in general?

I knew it was a hat, just wondered if it was a certain kind of hat.

ACK!

EDIT: You didn't reply just so you could post a pic did you?

	20-12-2002 07:42									#20
	Increase Your PM Length

This thread was inspired by Twisted Holiday If you have Real Player, enjoy.

	20-12-2002 07:42									#21
	Support Apolyton buy from Amazon

Isn't a balaclava something that also covers the neck?

A toque just covers the head + ears. It's just to keep warm in the winter is all.

	20-12-2002 07:46									#22
	Support Apolyton, pre-order Civilization IV

I'm gettin nothin for Christmas

I broke my bat on Jimmy's head;
Somebody snitched on me.
I hid a frog in sister's bed;
Somebody snitched on me.
I spilled some ink on Mommy's rug!
I made Tommy eat a bug!
Bought some gum with a penny slug!
Somebody snitched on me.

Oh, I'm gettin nothin for Christmas.
Mommy and Daddy are mad.
I'm gettin nothin for Christmas,
'Cause I ain't been nothin but bad.

I put a tack on teacher's chair;
Somebody snitched on me.
I tied a knot in Susie's hair;
Somebody snitched on me.
I did a dance on Mommy's plants!
Climbed a tree and tore my pants!
Filled the sugar bowl with ants!
Somebody snitched on me.

So, I'm gettin nothin for Christmas.
Mommy and Daddy are mad.
I'm gettin nothin for Christmas,
'Cause I ain't been nothin but bad.

I won't be seeing Santa Claus;
Somebody snitched on me.
He won't come to visit me 'cause
Somebody snitched on me.
Next year I'll be going straight.
Next year I'll be good, just wait!
I'd start now, but it's too late,
'Cause somebody snitched on me.

Oh, I'm gettin nothin for Christmas,
Mommy and Daddy are mad.
I'm gettin nothin for Christmas,
'Cause I ain't been nothin but bad.

	20-12-2002 08:19									#23
	Inflate your Upload Space

Isn't baclava a greek nut dessert…

	20-12-2002 08:25									#24
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With pistachios!

	20-12-2002 09:41									#25
	Support Apolyton, buy Civilization: The Boardgame

You guys should turn this into a sticky thread. I have got to play "The Carol of the Old Ones" for my wife. She's an on again off again Wichan and would love to hear it. I hope I can find this thread again tomorrow.

	21-12-2002 09:50									#26
	Tired of ads?

"bump"

	21-12-2002 09:58									#27
	Tired of ads?

Bob River's xmas songs are the best!

12 Pains of Christmas
Yellow Snow
Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire
Osama Got Run Over By A Reindeer

Other notable funny Xmas songs

Christmas in Jail - Asleep At The Wheel
Leroy the Redneck Reindeer - No clue who sang this

Cheech and Chong talking about Santa.

	21-12-2002 18:16									#28
	Enter the AD-FREE zone

bump

	21-12-2002 18:28									#29
	Enter the AD-FREE zone

Not exactly the world's funniest Christmas song, but certainly the best.

Fairytale of New York - Shane McGowan and Kirsty McColl

It was Christmas Eve babe
In the drunk tank
An old man said to me, won't see another one
And then he sang a song
The Rare Old Mountain Dew
I turned my face away
And dreamed about you

Got on a lucky one
Came in eighteen to one
I've got a feeling
This year's for me and you
So happy Christmas
I love you baby
I can see a better time
When all our dreams come true

They've got cars big as bars
They've got rivers of gold
But the wind goes right through you
It's no place for the old
When you first took my hand
On a cold Christmas Eve
You promised me
Broadway was waiting for me

You were handsome
You were pretty
Queen of New York City
When the band finished playing
They howled out for more
Sinatra was swinging,
All the drunks they were singing
We kissed on a corner
Then danced through the night

The boys of the NYPD choir
Were singing "Galway Bay"
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day

You're a bum
You're a punk
You're an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy Christmas your arse
I pray God it's our last

I could have been someone
Well so could anyone
You took my dreams from me
When I first found you
I kept them with me babe
I put them with my own
Can't make it all alone
I've built my dreams around you

The boys of the NYPD choir
Were singing "Galway Bay"
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day

	21-12-2002 18:42									#30
	Ramonified X-mas Increase the size of your Attachments

"Merry Christmas"

Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight
Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight
Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight with you

Where is Santa? At his sleigh?
Tell me why is it always this way?
Where is Rudolph? Where is Blitzen, baby?
Merry Christmas, merry merry merry Christmas

All the children are tucked in their beds
Sugar-plum fairies dancing in their heads
Snowball fighting, it's so exciting baby

I love you and you love me
And that's the way it's got to be
I loved you from the start
'Cause Christmas ain't the time for breaking each other's hearts

Where is Santa? At his sleigh?
Tell me why is it always this way?
Where is Rudolph? Where is Blitzen, baby?
Merry Christmas, merry merry merry Christmas

All the children are tucked in their beds
Sugar-plum fairies dancing in their heads
Snowball fighting, it's so exciting baby

Yeah, yeah, yeah

I love you and you love me
And that's the way it's got to be
I loved you from the start
'Cause Christmas ain't the time for breaking each other's hearts

Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight
Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight
Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight with you