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Lazarus and the Gimp
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Whale-raping abomination
Aug 2000
time: 05:25
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"Thank 'eavan for leetle gerz/ Zey grow up in ze most barbaric ways...."
.....or so Maurice Chevalier might have sung had he read this article. Still, stuff the nazi-collaborating crooner. It's my turn.
When was it that women became "the fairer sex"? When did they become those gentle ministering angels that we all adore? It seems to be accepted without question that possession of less obtrusive genitalia automatically leaves one more "ladylike"- more prone to possessing peaceful and nurturing qualities, and certainly less prone to knocking your teeth out through your anus simply because you spilled their pint.
History records waaaaaaaay more genocidal lunatics with testicles than without, but is that due to some innate goodly quality that women possess, or is it simply that social conditions simply meant they had fewer opportunities? The acid test is to view those who really did achieve power. If they refrained from excesses of violence and treachery then surely the reputation of the fair sex is upheld. Surely they held true? Surely they were good?
Not in this column.
The astonishing part is not that I found a few choice examples, but that there's so many that several seemingly obvious contenders failed to make the cut. Catherine de Medicis? Massacring hundreds of Huguenots just isn't enough, honey. Bloody Mary? Barbecuing hundreds of Protestants was impressive, but you just weren't entertaining enough, my little petal. Catherine the Great? I admire your ruthlessness and your rampant appetite for well-hung young cavalry officers, but once the rumours of bestiality are discounted you just aren't interesting enough, you chubby old nympho. You're mixing it with the big girls now, and these listed below should make any male reader's scrotum retract in blind horror like a timid and unusually wrinkly hamster. Enjoy....
Sultana Kösem (Ottoman Empire 1585- 1651AD)
The Sultana Kosem was the real power in the Ottoman Empire when it was at it's peak of sheer debauched lunacy. A noted beauty of Greek descent, she was the mother of Murad IV (one of the most spectacularly vicious of monarchs in all history) and Ibrahim I, who was barking mad in the most flamboyantly entertaining ways.
Her reputation as a crap mother takes some beating- fearing the influence of other harem women she attempted to drive Murad into homosexuality, helping create his monstrous case of sexual confusion and psychosis, whilst she plied the insane Ibrahim with drugs and fat women (he had a weakness for chubbers).
However her ruthlessness was even more pronounced. She was happy to prop up her position by allowing the Janissaries to commit massive abuses of their positions, even allowing the dethroning and murder of her son Ibrahim. In a bid to top that, she attempted to assassinate her grandson Mehmed IV, but the attempt failed. The murderous old bint was assisted off this mortal coil by being strangled by Mehmed's bodyguard, and an entertaining chapter of massive decadence was brought to a close.
Matilda of Canossa (Italy 1046- 1115AD)
Throughout history, many women have discovered that one of the quicker paths to power and prestige is an agreeable pair of legs opened at choice moments. Matilda of Canossa was one of the true masters of this fine art, and a sizeable chunk of European history revolved around whoever was granted visiting rights to her mimsy at any given moment.
At times, her life reads like a bad Monty Python script. Her first husband was Godfrey the Hunchback, Duke of Lorraine, though the marriage didn't last long. She became increasing "influential" (seasoned filth-readers are already reading between the lines here) with Pope Gregory VII, and in support of her favourite pontiff she ended up picking a fight with Emperor Henry IV, frequently leading her troops into battle in full armour and armed to the teeth.
At 43, she married the 17-year old Duke Welf of Bavaria, and I doubt the poor little bugger knew what had hit him. Within six years she'd tired of him, and made the move on Henry IV's son Conrad, encouraging him to rebel against his father. She finally made peace with the next king, Henry V, but in one last bravura "**** you" from beyond the grave she stitched him up in her will causing a lengthy conflict between church and crown.
Lucy Hay, Countess of Carlisle (England 1599- 1660AD)
A relatively minor figure, but such a deft one. Lucy was one of the greatest conspirators and intriguers in English history. Throughout the turmoil of the English Civil War she changed sides repeatedly, yet managed to use her charm to such an extent that she was nearly always in a hugely influential position with whichever side she happened to be on. Certainly between 1640 and 1645 she was merrily betraying every faction whenever she could, and stirred up immense political animosities, helping ensure that war took place.
Some historians faithfully list the sides Lucy appeared to be on at any given time, but I can't see the point. It's clear that the only person she was ever really loyal to was herself, and she emerged after the restoration as (naturally) an influential Royal counsellor before dropping dead of apoplexy in 1660.
Zoe (Byzantium 978- 1050AD)
(Note for the reader- Everyone has someone in their past who broke their heart in the most shitty way imaginable. Mine was called Zoe. I've since suspected that all Zoes are evil, and this is my corroboration)
Constantine VIII was an idle, pleasure-seeking ruler. His daughter Zoe, on the other hand, was as hard as nails. Becoming Empress by marriage in 1028, she was pathologically jealous of her sister Theodora, whom she exiled. Neglected by her husband (Romanus III Argyrus), she seduced his nubile young Chamberlain Michael. At that point, the days of Romanus III were numbered, and Zoe poisoned her husband in 1034, installing Michael as emperor.
Michael IV died in 1041, and Zoe's adopted son was crowned Michael V. However Zoe wasn't finished yet- bored of being sidelined, she had the young emperor blinded and deposed in 1042. She then ruled as co-empress with her hated sister Theodora, propping up her position with a swift marriage to Constantine IX Monomachus. The nasty old coffin-dodger quietly snuffed it a few years later.
Erszebet Bathory (Transylvania 1561- 1614AD)
The life of Erszebet Bathory has become so clouded with myths and libels that it's pretty hard to distiguish history from all those over-ripe images straight out of Hammer horror movies- all heaving breasts, twinkling buttocks, big hair and coy lesbianism drenched in blood. I'm constantly bemused with how vampirism became inextricably linked with sapphic tendencies in the 1970's British film industry, seeing as I've not yet encountered a single bushwhacker who lusts to suck out my lifeblood via my penile veins. I digress...
Erszebet was born into Hungary's most noble family- her uncle was Stephan Bathory, King of Poland and Prince of Transylvania, her cousin Zsigismond married into the Habsburg (one hell of an achievement seeing as the Habsburgs usually refused point-blank to bump uglies with anyone they didn't share at least three grandparents with), and the family was packed with other minor Princes. She was engaged to Count Ferencz Nadasdy de Nadasd of Fogarasfold at the age of 9, but by the time she was 13 she had already produced an illegitimate daughter prior to her marriage at 14. The Count left her alone in Csejthe Castle for long periods, and the teenager quickly amassed an astonishingly huge collection of dildos and drugs.
It's clear that she was astonishingly sadistic to her servants, beating and branding them by the score- once sewing up the mouth of a girl that talked too much. It's believed she was encouraged in this by her bisexual Aunt Klara, who had a taste for sado-masochism.
After Ferenc died in 1604, Erszebet began supporting her brother Gabor in his war against the German emperor. Meanwhile the death toll among her servants and guests started rising- and this is where she made a crucial mistake. Nobody important cared about the sexual mutilation and murder of servants, but the loss of minor nobles was another matter. Erszebet was arrested and walled up alive in a small tower room, dying three years later. The death toll from her excesses goes as high as 500, though this is probably wildly exaggerated. However it's a safe bet that (at the very least) several people died (possibly accidentally) as a result of her sadistic sexual rituals.
St Irene (Byzantium 752- 803AD)
Irene was deified for her patronage of monasteries and her influence in restoring the use of icons (banned in 730AD), but her life was far from saintly. She was the wife of the Byzantine Emperor Leo IV and was guardian of her son Constantine VI on his accession at the age of 10 in 780, reigning as co-emperor. She was typically ruthless and crushed Iconoclastic revolts with breathtaking savagery, but her real heart of steel was revealed when she began a power struggle with her own son. Constantine reacted to his mother's attempt to seize sole power by banishing her, but she retaliated by having him blinded and deposed in 797. She then attempted to secure her position by negotiating her marriage with Charlemagne, but this failed and she was exiled to Lesbos where she died shortly after.
Marozia (Italy 875?- 936AD?)
Compared to Marozia, Macchiavelli was an amateur. She was born into the Crescentii family, one of the most powerful Italian clans, and wielded immense power within church and state. She was already a Senatrix of Rome in her own right when she started to make a move on Sergius, the Bishop of Caere who was an old ally of her father Theophylactus.
Between 896 and 904 there was carnage in the papacy with seven popes and one antipope succeeding, of which 6 were murdered. It's safe to assume that 4 of those murders were ordered by the Crescentiis (with Marozia playing an increasingly significant part) in their support of first Pope Stephen IV, then Sergius who was crowned Pope on 904AD. Sergius certainly owed his power to Marozia, and the fact that he shared a bed with her. Marozia's son was almost certainly fathered by Pope Sergius III, who died in 911.
After dominating the next three popes she went through a sticky patch patch in 924 when Pope John X allied with her enemy King Hugh of Italy, but she re-emerged triumphantly in 928 when she had John X strangled. The next two popes were strictly puppets of Marozia (though that didn't stop her having one of them killed). In 931, Marozia's son was consecrated as Pope John XI, but by this time her luck was running out. Another of her sons, Alberic II of Spoleto deposed both her and John XI in 932, and she died shortly after.
Wu Hou (China 625- 705AD)
We're into the real heavyweights now. Wu Hou was a nobody- a 13 year-old girl of insignificant birth, who entered the court of the T'ang emperor Tai T'sung as a low-ranking junior concubine. From there, her rise was unstoppable and bloody.
When she was 24, Tai T'sung died. She immediately got to work her wiles on his heir, Kao Tsung, and while it's not recorded just how she treated him, my guess is that she had him firmly by the love-spuds because within a couple of years she'd ****ged her way into position as his favourite and swiftly started murdering the other leading concubines.
By 655 she had pulled her masterstroke by having the Empress Wang hacked into twitching little gobbets of gristle. She was installed as the new Empress, and immediately set about disgracing/killing every one of the late Tai T'sung's senior statesmen, and anyone else who objected to this common little slapper occupying the throne of the T'ang dynasty, or even pointed out that her union with Kao Tsung was technically incest. Even senior members of the imperial family weren't safe from being hounded, and she had the emperor's uncle killed.
Kao Tsung was a weak and sickly man, and Wu practically ruled China outright, continuing to eliminate anyone who even remotely challenged her power. She proved a very effective and efficient ruler and oversaw the conquest of Korea by the Generals she had promoted. On Kao Tsung's death in 683, their son Chung Tsung became emperor, but Wu felt threatened by Wu's wife and within a month she deposed him and installed another son (Jui Tsung) as emperor.
In 665 Wu finally became bored of wielding power from behind the scenes and deposed Jui Tsung to rule China outright in her own name, which she did for the next 15 years. Finally, old and in poor health, the old battleaxe was forced to cede power to the restored Chung Tsung and retire. She died shortly after. History records her as one of China's most effective rulers, and one of China's most ruthless.
Boudicca (England 20?- 60AD)
You've probably noticed a trend in these entries. Most of these murderous women of power follow a pattern- they slowly and stealthily amass power through charm and sexuality then seize it when the time is right. Well Boudicca totally bucks the trend, and provides a lovely example of what happens when a muscle-bound bint with an axe just just goes totally gibbering apeshit.
Don't believe the statues- Boudicca wasn't a dreamy beauty who paraded into battle in a silky slip that left her peachy little knockers hanging out. She was a 6-foot redhead with one hell of a temper and a range of sharp metalwork designed to leave her opponents thoughtfully inspecting their own lungs. Nothing is known of her early life, other than the fact that her husband Prasutagus was chief of the Iceni tribe and an enthusiastic collaborator with the Romans. The only way he could have accepted the Roman yoke more willingly would have been to make a pilgrimage to Rome to publicly fellate Nero (He even made Nero his co-heir along with his daughters). However on the death of Prasutagus in 60AD, the Roman governors attempted to extend their power over the Iceni by humiliating and deposing their ruling family. Boudicca was flogged, and her daughters raped by Roman slaves. Big, big, big, big, ****ing enormous mistake.
Boudicca went completely mental, and launched a full-throttle revolt. Now the Romans had seen hundreds of native revolts before, but nothing quite so astonishingly fast and bloody as this. Within a couple of months, Boudicca had an army of 100,000- a staggering 10% of England's entire native population, and they turned their fury on the Romans and all those who had accepted their rule. Colchester, Chelmsford and St Albans were all razed, and their inhabitants massacred. The astonished Suetonius Paulinus sent the 9th Legion to intercept Boudicca's forces, but it was annihilated and wiped out to a man. Next London was destroyed- dig deep enough around the old city and you'll find a think layer of ash and human bones. The death toll was huge and Roman control of Britain hung by a thread. Finally, Suetonius defeated Boudicca'sarmy at Mancetter and the Iceni Queen committed suicide.
Conservative estimates place the total death toll in the uprising at 200,000, or 1 in 5 of England's population killed within a season. The only comparable event in modern times was the slaughter in Rwanda- it was a bloodbath of epic proportions and most of those massacred by Boudicca were Britons she viewed as traitors- an act of insane hypocrisy given her previous collaboration. She was the Pol Pot of Celtic Britain.
There's always a moral in a Filth tale, and this one's moral is that possession of a set of ovaries is no barrier to embarking on an epic rampage of bloodlust and slaughter. Just bear that in mind next time your better half is a bit twitchy because she's got the painters in.
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12-01-2003 01:17
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