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JohnT
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Capitalist
Mar 1999
time: 00:25
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If you're not a Yank, you probably won't get the full cultural effect, though you won't have any trouble following this story. "EB" is a series of puzzle books for the pre-teen set and was pretty popular back when GP and I were kids (that was somewhere between the dinosaurs and the Carter Administration). You read the story and then try to figure out the solution. The following can be found at: http://www.modernhumorist.com/mh/0005/encyc_mp3/ and there are more at http://www.modernhumorist.com/mh/by/eb/
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ENCYCLOPEDIA BROWN and Sally Kimball, his junior detective partner and bodyguard, were getting ready to go to the Idaville music festival when a limousine pulled into Encyclopedia’s driveway.
"Wow!" Sally said. "That car is so big, and so black!"
Four men in tight, black leather pants and sleeveless T-shirts got out of the limousine. They had pale skin covered in tattoos, and one of them had bits of metal hanging from various parts of his face. Encyclopedia and Sally exchanged worried glances. They had never seen men their fathers' age wearing leather pants before.
"Do not be frightened, young children, I am Lars Ulrich, powerhouse drummer for Metallica, and we are needing your help, Encyclopedia Brown." Metallica is a popular musical group known for blending traditional rock and roll with heavy metal while using more introspective and meaningful lyrics than most metal bands. "I am giving you a quarter."
Encyclopedia accepted the coin and asked, "What can we do for you?"
"Someone is stealing our music!" growled James Hetfield, rhythm guitar and lead vocals.
Kirk Hammet, lead guitar, nodded, causing his multiple face and ear piercings to jangle. "Yeah man! We put out a new album last week and nobody bought it. But at the concerts, everyone is singing along and head banging just as hard as ever!"
Jason Newsted, bass and backup vocals, handed Encyclopedia a piece of paper. "Someone slipped this under our hotel door. We were hoping you would know what to make of it, Encyclopedia Brown."
Encyclopedia frowned. "Hmmm...this looks like a list of Napster user names." Napster is a computer application that allows people to download music files, also known as MP3s, via the Internet for free rather than purchasing them in compact disc form at the mall. "And you’re right, someone has been stealing your music. Looking at these user names, I have a hunch who it is," Encyclopedia said gravely.
"Bugs Meany!" Sally exclaimed.
"We'd better pay Bugs a visit," Encyclopedia said. "But we might need more backup than Sally this time—he’s been acting strange lately."
"We can be helping," said Lars Ulrich as he placed a call on his cellular phone. A moment later, another limousine pulled into Encyclopedia's driveway. This one had a hot tub in the back, and in it were rap impresario Dr. Dre and several of his finest ho’s. Ho’s are also known as *****es. *****es are hangers on who receive money and goods in exchange for sexual services.
"Wow!" Sally said. "That man is so big, and so black!"
"Don’t worry, if Meany gets out of line, I’ll pop a cap in his ass." Dr. Dre said. Popping a cap in one’s ass means ending a life by shooting a person with a firearm.
"All right!" Encyclopedia said, grabbing his bike. "Follow me."
ENCYCLOPEDIA, Sally, the members of Metallica, Dr. Dre and his finest ho’s found Bugs sitting in the Tigers clubhouse. Bugs wore his Tigers cap sideways and had painted "Tigaz" over the original "Tigers" on the clubhouse wall. A T-1 Internet line ran under the door to a computer set up on an old apple crate.
"Whazzup?" Bugs greeted his visitors. "If it isn’t my favorite homies."
"Can it, DJ Bugs," Sally said, waving the sheet of Napster user names. "We know you’ve been illegally downloading and distributing Metallica MP3 files. We have proof."
"That doesn’t mean anything," Bugs said, smiling. "I’m being framed. The man’s always trying to keep me down." He raised a black-gloved fist and said "Fight the power!" before taking a long drink from a 40-ounce bottle of apple juice.
"What’s with all this stuff then, huh?" Sally asked, pointing at the computer and T-1 line.
Bugs smirked, "Why don’t you go ahead and search my hard drive, baby. You won’t find any of that heavy metal crap here. I only listen to the people’s music—rap—and East Coast rap at that. I don’t go for any of that West Coast gangsta garbage." East Coast rap is tighter with its beats and more influenced by reggae and jazz than funk-oriented West Coast rap. West Coast rap uses heavy samples of old-school funk and frequently celebrates gang life in its subject matter.
Lars Ulrich ran a search on Bugs’ computer. "It is true. I see KRS-One, Tribe Called Quest and even Eric B. & Rakim, but no Metallica!"
"See?" Bugs said. "Now step back while I bust a rhyme:
quote:
Here I am, hopin’ my true motha****az know
This be the realest **** I ever wrote
Against all odds, up in the clubhouse, gettin' blowed
This be the truest **** I ever spoke." |
"That rap was hype," said one of Dr. Dre's ho's.
"Damn," said another.
Bugs laughed triumphantly. "See, I hang with the MCs. You’re going to have to pin this caper on someone else, sleuth boy."
"What are we going to do?" cried Kirk Hammet. "We don’t want to alienate our loyal fan base, but we’re losing millions!"
"I’ll handle this," Dr. Dre said, pulling a Glock from his windbreaker and moving towards Bugs. A Glock is an Austrian-made firearm that is favored for its reliability, large clip load and ease of concealment.
Bugs, Sally, the members of Metallica and the fine ho’s were diving for cover when Encyclopedia finally spoke.
"Bugs is lying. He doesn’t know Biggie Smalls from a Big Mac, and I can prove it."
WHAT DID THE OTHERS MISS?
(Turn to page 111 for the solution to the Case of the Pirated MP3s.)
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JohnT
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Capitalist
Mar 1999
time: 00:25
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The Solution:
spoiler(highlight to read):
The clue was in Bugs Meany’s rap. Bugs said that he only listened to East Coast rap music, but Encyclopedia recognized some of Bugs' lyrics from legendary West Coast rapper 2Pac’s album "Don Killuminati – The 7 Day Theory," recorded under 2Pac’s pseudonym and alter ego, Makaveli.
Confronted with this fact and Dr. Dre’s fully loaded Glock, Bugs soon confessed to posing as a rap fan in an attempt to throw them off his trail. In reality, Bugs had illegally downloaded Metallica’s entire song catalog, including their new album, and had been reselling the music for his own profit. Hoping he could fool them all, Bugs stored the files on Zip disks and erased them from his computer, but once again, he learned that he couldn’t outsmart Encyclopedia Brown.
To celebrate, Metallica brought Encyclopedia and Sally on stage at the Idaville music festival to sing the chorus of "Enter Sandman." After the festival, Dr. Dre took Encyclopedia, Sally, Metallica and all his ho’s out for ice cream and malt liquor.
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Albert Speer
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Puerile Polemic
Mar 1999
time: 00:25
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I was probably the only one who realized how the boy quoted 2pac but claimed west coast rap was garbage...
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David Floyd
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The bottom of a large bottle of beer
Jan 1970
time: 05:25
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Yeah, probably.
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All times are GMT. The time now is 05:25.
Apolyton Time is 00:25. |
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20-01-2003 06:32
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