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History Guy
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Reads too many books...
Oct 2001
time: 23:26
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THE STONE OF SPAIN
Vol. I, Issue I “All the news that’s fit for Spain”
EDITOR’S COLUMN
Hello, fellow citizens of the glorious and commercial minded Spanish people. Allow me to (re)introduce myself. I am Hernan de History Guy Calamari the Younger, the acting editor of this rag…I mean mag. The Stone of Spain is the oldest, longest running newspaper on the face of the planet, and it certainly provides the best on all things considered, whether it be political issues that rock our world, commercial or religious items, or updates on Spain’s sports, like squid tossing or running the bulls (or bullfighting, for those who really want some fun!)
As you know, until recently, the printing stones that we print with have been in sad disuse, covered by cobwebs and in danger of turning green and nasty with all that moss. Anyhow, now we can get back in business with Spain’s favorite paper. Indeed, now it is a paper, because…we have cut out with the stone slabs, and replaced them with…PAPYRUS!! Yes, that’s right, folks, no more clumsy stone slabs or nasty fatalities related to them…
So you see, now we have all the more reason to subscribe to this paper now, and get the best, up to the minute information on EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE! So subscribe now, and fill your home with the best that bones have to buy, the greatest of all periodicals, The Stone of Spain!
Signed,
Hernan de History Guy Calamari the Younger
Acting Editor
STRATEGIC TIPS FROM THE WATCHER
Submitted by the Watcher, Senor Torquemada
In our civilization we are currently engaged in research on strategy; the rapid expansion (REX in short) is under fire, the slow expansion (SEX in short) being advocated by some wise members with quite interesting arguments that we will try to summarize.
Take your time to make SEX properly. You need time to visit the nice valley you intend to settle, to explore the thalwegs in the surroundings, to make sure the savannah is still here or whether it has been razed, to climb the sweet hills before discovering the fresh water spring, eternal source of happiness. Do not necessarily settle in the first place you find approximately convenient, there could be another one bordering on perfection.
After a satisfactory first settlement, these observations will make possible several further settlements still more satisfying, their number and variety depending only on you and your fellow tribal (team) members.
The game will not resist so many kind attentions, and you will progressively build your empire.
ALL WE’RE SAYING IS GIVE PEACE A CHANCE
Or, Who will push the little red brick button?
In an interesting discussion at the Diplomatic Hut yesterday, information was made known to the public that the governments of Arabia and Turkey may well be gearing up for war. “Yes,” said Senor Lorenzo Clemente of the Togas Administration, “based on the information we have received from diplomats and commercial traders, the possibility is very strong that war will break out between those two nations.”
Senor Petrucius J. Armadillo, Secretary of the Ambassador of Neu Demogyptica, was allowed to reveal the contents of the diplomatic messages sent to and from Neu Theban, which confirmed the matter. “It’s all very scary…I’m shaking all over…sweat pours down from my brow and ruins my shirt,” Senor Armadillo is quoted as saying.
According to the Neu Demogyptican ambassador, Senor Picahulu, the Lux Invictan troops of the Turkish Sultan Trip violated Arabian borders, and followed their settlers about in a disconcerting fashion. Later, they sent a warrior brigade into Arabia again, passing very near the Arab capital of Neu Theban, and according to onlookers, stealing chickens and disturbing the women. “It was a short cut,” explained the ambassador from Turkey, Senor BFM, who also jokingly stated, “we do see an awful lot of N(eu) D(emogyptican) cities!”
This sad occurrence may soon tear apart our continent. We must remind our readers that our government is strictly neutral, and incredibly sorry to see this sad event happen, for so many good men will die before their time. We Spaniards know the price of war, for we defended ourselves most honorably at Santiago Field against the Visigoths, and went on to victory, unifying our kingdom. But at a great cost it was, and thus we are saddened by any war, especially when our old friends fight it amongst themselves.
No word had come until yesterday on what is presently occurring in the region, though Senor Picahulu stated to Senor Calamari, our ambassador to Neu Demogyptica, “We must regard this as an act of war.”
And now, it seems as if Lux Invicta has declared war after Neu Demogyptican troops crossed it’s borders, and our diplomats believe that the Warmongering Chinese will soon enter the fray on the side of the Arabs. Thus, a terrible war may be brought on.
Another diplomatic issue of note that has been important to many of late is the border discussion with Neu Demogyptica, an on going discussion on who will build what where, and what our borders will be, be they natural or man made. Meeting with Sultan Borc of Neu Theban several days ago, King Togas reviewed Arab plans for settlement, and found them extremely interesting, but ultimately unsatisfying. He then outlined his plans for Arab settlement of the eastern valleys, and the border established in the form of the great jungles that stretch to our north.
No response has been received from Neu Theban as of yet. Continue to read our paper (fair and balanced as always) for further announcements on this issue, for we are your number one source for all Spain’s news!
MONEY (AND OTHER THINGS TO MAKE THE SPANISH HEART GLAD)
Interview with a Squid Tracker
EDITOR (ME): I’ve taken a trip to the heart of the Valley of the Cows, by the famous squidding rivers, to interview a man who has made Spain rich in his brave efforts to (literally) rope in the money for the markets and treasuries of Spain. Meet Senor Steve Dementez el Loco Irwinez, a professional squid tracker, a bounty hunter for squid if you will. A famous man, people around here know him as the Squid Hunter…
So Steve…
STEVE: Call me sir…
ME: Ohhhhhhhh Kay. Well…sir…who do you work for, and what do you do?
SIR: I don’t work for anyone, mate. I’m a bounty hunter…I do some jobs for El Squid Company out on land. There it’s harder to get fresh squids ta market…I find some for ‘em!
ME: How’s that?
SIR: The squid…what a majestic animal! But clever…don’t wanna muck with it, mate! They know how to survive in those streams out in the valleys, ya know…pretty smart buggers…Anyhoo, they don’t like to get mucked with, so they’ll fight back, especially the big mean ones in the Valley…
ME: Really? What do you do to get them?
SIR: Have to track ‘em, mate. Get ‘em when they donna expect it. Wrassle ‘em. You see this arm, here? Big chunk of me arm, ripped off by one in mortal combat…yeah, that was the one we call Agro. Agro was a mean, old bloke, and he really took a chunk off me. My own stupid mistake of course, but he did all the same…got him in the end, though…with this!! (reveals gigantic squidderman’s ‘mari knife) Yeah, that was the worst of ‘em. Really knew how to use his beak…huge bugger! Got him, though…
ME: Ummmm…yes…interesting…
SIR: Here is a tentacle I got off him…packed it in ice, brought it to show you in this pickled eggs jar…an’ here’s the whole dang eye…big as my knee…must be a year old, or so…nasty bloke…
ME: Yep…veeeeery nice…got to go, now, though…(placing hand over mouth, turning green)
SIR: Oh. Cheers, mate!
ME: So there you have it, an example of the bravery of the squid trackers. Makes the Spanish heart swell with pride…
MERCENARIES (and the things they do!)
After a long search, our reporter, Senor Torquemada, has identified a mercenary accepting to answer some questions.
The Stone: The mercenary-ship is quite new for our readers. Could you tell us the ethical, financial and political problems you have solved?
Fhenfis Garb: Ethical??? What ever do you mean?
The Stone: OK, OK. How do you build your pricelist?
F.G.: Why, very simple: cost plus method. For instance, you hire ten mercenary warriors for ten turns. We will charge: 10 shields/warrior x 10 warriors = 100 shields
Mark-up factor 2. It gives 100 x 2 = 200 shields
Upkeep: 10 warriors x 1 gold/turn x 10 turns = 100 gold bars
Mark-up factor 2. It gives 100 x 2 = 200 gold bars
There we go, eh, what?
The Stone: But if we cannot pay with shields?
F.G.: Hey look, buddy, that’s NO problem; we accept gold instead; at the current market rate of 2.87 gold/shield; it will amount to 574 golds for the warriors + 200 golds for the upkeep. Total 774 golds (plus miscellaneous).
The Stone: Miscellaneous?
F.G.: Yes, the example is for standard warriors. There is an overcharge of 25% for veteran and 50% for elite.
The Stone: Wow? That is a lot of money! For such a price the client chooses freely the target, I suppose?
F.G.: Almost. In fact, we accept to fight any designated target that we have a reasonable chance to defeat. In the example, it is a contract to kill one standard warrior, freely chosen by the client, haar haar.
The Stone (extremely surprised): ??? (and I say this in all honesty)
F.G. (obviously displeased by this reaction): What! Ten for one, and preferably in the back and by surprise, that is a standard in our business!
The Stone: With that kind of money and performance, I assume that the market is not that big.
F.G.: We need not a big market; with only one client we make a living. And we know that with several clients we would have to face conflicts of interest that we are not mentally equipped to solve.
The Stone: From a political point of view, you think that a mercenary civilization can win the game?
F.G.: Of course, man, we expect that all other civilizations will be broke by the end of the ancient era. Heh heh heh! Our only problem will be to wait until the U.N. to get a diplomatic victory!
VIEW POINT
In defense of the slavery (by Slavemaster Oliver)
A few days ago I was in Barcelona, supervising the labor of the slaves there building a road through the forest. After discussing the present plan schedule with the architect in charge of the road, I went back to the city to have some rest. All Spanish cities are really pretty, and Barcelona isn't an exception. I stopped at a new tavern near the beach that wasn't opened the last time I had been at the city. This city grows really quickly! I wouldn't be surprised if sometime in the future it reaches the 100,000 habitants.
The tavern is a very good one, and I was enjoying my squid while an old woman approached me with not so good intentions. Fortunately I always have some friends near me, and they managed to stop her, not without some effort, and remove the knife from her hands. When I asked her why she had tried to kill me, she answered that his son's soul will never find peace because of me. A man who was found guilty and sent to work as slave killed her son in a fight for the right to settle some lands. He claimed that the only good criminal is the death criminal, and that Spain must abolish slavery and simply kill all criminals.
"He killed my son, and you give him food and a bed in return. He must be sent with the spirits to punish him!"
There is no doubt that this old woman has good intentions, but she is completely wrong.
Criminals have hurt Spain and its people in some way. Either if they killed, injured, or simple robbed someone, they have caused some damage to Spain. If they were simply killed this damage would never been repaired. On the other hand, if they work building roads, irrigations and many other projects for our nation, they can give Spain back a very small part of what they got. Thanks to the slaves work, we can now travel faster between our cities than in ancient times, and our lands are more fertile and productive. A group of free men could never accomplish this, because they have families and jobs to look for. That's something that only slaves can do.
We give them the chance to be productive, to give something back to the nation. And we treat them well, despite their despicable acts. We let them sleep until the sunrise, and only make them work until the sun dawns. In addition they get a free day every moon to pray to the spirits for redemption. That's a lot more than they ever gave to their poor victims.
I sent the woman to the slave camp near Barcelona, so she could see what the slaves do for Spain. She liked it so much that she decided to stay and help them.
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pikesfan
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quote:
[SIZE=1] Originally posted by History Guy
STRATEGIC TIPS FROM THE WATCHER
Submitted by the Watcher, Senor Torquemada
Take your time to make SEX properly. You need time to visit the nice valley you intend to settle, to explore the thalwegs in the surroundings, to make sure the savannah is still here or whether it has been razed, to climb the sweet hills before discovering the fresh water spring, eternal source of happiness. Do not necessarily settle in the first place you find approximately convenient, there could be another one bordering on perfection.
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There are some civilizations though, that have the oddest ideas about strategic expansion. They are drawn to, nay, they even settle in the strangest and most inhospitable places. Once or twice a day, or maybe a few times a week depending upon the weather conditions, Nature may throw down from above something extremely unpleasant if you get caught in it, one that makes an embarrassing mess of the entire landscape, yet these civilizations revel in the messy places and scorn at those who prefer the softest, lushest, and most fertile valleys.
Instead of the usual obsessions with getting the plow as deeply into the earth as possible and hoping for fertility, civilizations with such different tastes can usually also be distinguished by their obsessions with such matters as how fit and muscular their warriors are, how to cast iron so that the sword it is made from is as hard as possible, how to recruit only those swordsmen with the longest swords but what to do if you are issued with a short sword and how to overcome its disadvantages, what kind of stones make a good slingshot, and what kind of diet will make an archer shoot a quiver of arrows as far and as forcefully as possible.
Hmmm. This reminds me of our good neighbours Glory of War.
Last edited by pikesfan on 17-02-2003 at 07:58
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mrmitchell
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Excellent newspaper, Señor Calamari.
Excellent stories, Writer Señors.
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Togas
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California
Jun 2002
time: 21:26
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The Stone of Spain passes my inspection and may be published to all the civilizations of the land with the EXCEPTION of this one article that has been rewritten.
quote:
Horrible War Spills Blood Over the Entire Northern Lands!
Today, for the first time, information was made known to the public that the governments of Neu Demoglyptica and Lux Invicta and Glory of War are all at war! So far it is reported that two Invicta cities have been burned to the ground and many refugees are fleeing south to avoid death and famine that has resulted.
“They are all at war” said Senor Fletcher Dejon, the Most Trusted Advisors to our Great Leader, Togas, “We have received many reports from diplomats and commercial traders who have come from the north, all of them detailing the war to us. It does not sound good at all for Lux Invicta."
Price Edwardo Enero Togas, 3rd son of our Great Despot, reported to the Stone of Spain that there wre Spanish attempts to negotiate a peace settlement at the 11th hour between Lux Invicta and Neu Demogyptica, but Lux refused to offer a peace proposal and Neu Demogyptica refused to offer demands.
Senor Petrucius J. Armadillo, Secretary of the Ambassador of Neu Demogyptica, was allowed to reveal the contents of the diplomatic messages sent from Neu Theban to Spain saying, "they started the War and we will end it."
According to the Neu Demogyptican ambassador, Senor Picahulu, the Lux Invictan troops of the Turkish Sultan Trip violated Demogyptican borders, and followed their settlers about in a disconcerting fashion. Later, they sent a warrior brigade into Neu Demogyptica again, passing very near their capital of Neu Theban, and according to onlookers, stealing chickens and disturbing the women. “It was a short cut,” explained the ambassador from Lux Invicta, Senor BFM, who also jokingly stated, “we do see an awful lot of N(eu) D(emogyptican) cities!”
Even more frightening, is that many traders are now reporting that the Warmonger Horde has declared war on Lux Invicta due to Lux Invicta's failure to timely send religious texts to the Warlords. It is very sad, indeed that the Warmongers chose this time to strike, as Lux Invicta is, reportedly, in chaos due to the war it would be understandable that shipment of such texts might have been overlooked. Such excuses are unacceptable to the Warmongers.
"We had a deal and they broke that deal," stated a trader from the Warmonger tribe who refused to be identified. "This is a lesson. Never break a deal with Glory of War."
This sad occurrence may soon tear apart our continent. We must remind our readers that the government of Spain is strictly neutral, and incredibly sorry to see this sad event happen, for so many good men will die before their time. We Spaniards know the price of war, for we defended ourselves most honorably at Santiago Field against the Visigoths, and went on to victory, unifying our kingdom. But at a great cost it was, and thus we are saddened by any war, especially when our old friends fight it amongst themselves.
No word had come until yesterday on what is presently occurring in the region, though may report that large clouds of black smoke seem to endlessly fill the northern sky, and some merchants have witnessed groups of foreign warriors headed north into the darkness of the distant conflict. |
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Togas
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California
Jun 2002
time: 21:26
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I have posted this newspaper into the public forum. I noted that it was Vol IV, Issue I, as we have already had III previous volumes.
--Togas
Last edited by Togas on 18-02-2003 at 10:52
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OliverFA
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Leeds, UK
Sep 2002
time: 06:26
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I guess that people are just waiting for the weekend to have a bit more time to write. At least that's my case!
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mrmitchell
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I'm trying to think of something I can write.
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OliverFA
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Leeds, UK
Sep 2002
time: 06:26
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I've sent an article just right now. But I'm afraid this won't be enough
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All times are GMT. The time now is 05:26.
Apolyton Time is 00:26. |
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17-02-2003 02:52
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