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DinoDoc
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AECCP loves Democracy
Sep 1999
time: 23:26
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quote:
I believe the impending possibility of the probability of the very real chance of circumstances that might lead to a war in Iraq have taken our minds away from a more dangerous threat ? a diabolical, insidious, latent, vile force of an axis-of-evilness that is right under our very noses.
I'm not talking about North Korea, though I think we should be concerned with them. A hostile nation armed with nuclear weapons should concern us all. Then again, the North Koreans are facing the same threat we are.
I speak not of Al-Qaida, either. Khalid Shaikh Mohammed - a major player in bin Laden's boy scout group - is now in captivity. Furthermore, last June, Al-Qaida threatened to kill Eminem for lampooning bin-Laden. To the disappointment of many conservatives, Eminem's still alive, but it proves that Al-Qaida doesn't immediately bite after every bark.
Osama may have survived, but for the moment, Al-Qaida's on the run. I am not afraid of terrorists, but Al-Qaida would be wise to fear what I have feared for years. They should tread with trepidation if their terrorist activities tend to take them through trees.
What I speak of does not distinguish between religion, race, sex, nationality or creed. What I speak of are squirrels. They are the evil enemy of all mankind.
Yes, I said squirrels. If you're laughing at me, you won't be laughing long when you're feeding "freedom fries" to one of those little vermin in the Grove, and it rips off your face, plucks out your eyes and buries them.
Squirrels should be avoided at all costs, because they're planning something. I know they are. Just watch the critters if you don't believe me. They always look contemplative.
It's creepy, the way they stand erect on their hind legs and nibble at nothing, trying to look innocent while scheming of a way to destroy us all. And they're fearless. I've fallen asleep at a table in the Grove only to be awakened by the slightest sound of skittering ? that infernal tongue these demonic creatures speak - and found myself looking into the crazed, bloodshot eyes of an impish, sable-clawed creature seeking to thieve my half-eaten banana nut muffin while I dozed.
Had a friend not realized my imperilment and hurled a pinecone at my would-be assailant, you would not be reading this article.
But the squirrels here at Ole Miss are pretty tame compared to the cornucopia of cantankerous critters that our country's capital contains. All throughout the National Mall you can find bulbous scavenger squirrels waddling among the monuments - an army of Behemoth's own fat little familiars begging for scraps from clueless tourists.
I can only imagine what they would do to someone foolish enough to take a nap there. The tenacity of these creatures is astounding. I made threatening movements and cross faces at two of these servants of darkness. One ignored my feigned aggression, crawled onto my shoe, up my shin and sat on my knee, daring me to do something other than tremble in fear.
I imagine the other one was plotting something devilish behind my back. Luckily, I was spared that day.
Porky squirrels are not the only species of rodent rapscallions in D.C. The mythical black squirrels hide in the darkest hollows of the trees at Georgetown University, but you have to be quick to spy them. Their sect is a secretive one. They don't like to be seen. I believe they're plotting something even more diabolical than the skinny gray ones we have here, probably government takeover.
They have also enslaved the porky ones to further their cause. They're firmly entrenched in our nation's capital! John Ashcroft and Tom Ridge need to know about this! Raise the terror alert to fuchsia!
We must act to defend ourselves. Regardless of our financial situations, we must use credit to purchase shotguns and lug them on our backs to school to rid the Grove of these pests before they kill us all. We must bomb the rural areas of the South where they breed. Sure, they haven't attacked anyone yet, but we shouldn't wait until they do. We should eliminate them all now, before they team up with Al-Qaida (an obvious accomplice) to destroy us. |
http://www.thedmonline.com/vnews/di...4/3e6433ba2850e
Fear the power of the squirrels!  
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monolith94
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New England
Jan 1970
time: 00:26
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It was an interesting day I found myself waking up to. It was a world transformed... transformed by squirrels. I woke, washed, and walked to my breakfast. While serving myself a healthy portion of raisin bran, a friend of mine sidled up to me and whispered in my ear, letting his hot air gently carress my lobes: "hey, those squrirels are something, aren't they?"
"Yes," I said, not wishing to offend. I sat down amongst my usual friends, and heard whining. This whining was of a different sort - a squirrel sort.
"They ate my homework!"
"They sided with Descartes"
"They tried to get me drunk to mate with them in their little treeholes!"
Troubled, I continued on to my classes, where to my horror, all of my teachers had decided to analyze their subjects relative to squirrels. For my history teacher, it was the immigration of European squirells to America on the ships of the Conquistadors, to my Creative Writing teacher it was a chance to teach us about the finesse of writing a poem accurately describing what it IS to feel like a squirrel. My professors told me the inclusion was due to both their cuteness and capacity for death.
Thank goodness that is over, I said, unknowingly. As per agreement, the two of us, a lovely lady and myself, walked to a small, impoverished coffee shop. I've always been a big fan of the italian soda. I didn't realize, however, that she would prove to be such a big fan of the squirrels. What's your favorite kind? she asked me - do you like them fat and wise or thin and agile? Mistakenly and honestly, I replied that I truly preferred chipmunks. My eyebrows lifted themselves up as I saw her mouth begin to go agape in reaction to my statement. "Not - like - squirrels???" she repeated - over, and over and over. It was not until I began to shake some sense into her that she finally recovered, threw the contents of her glass at my face, and stormed out of the building.
I sleep in a bunkbed, when I am not sleeping with countless beautiful women. As I was sleeping, I could hear Jacob rambling on and on about the squirrels above me.
I closed my eyes and vainly tried to dream of chipmunks.
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05-03-2003 09:22
ACK!
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