10-04-2003 15:11									#1
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This situation's been bugging me for a while, and I'm tired of turning it over in my own mind and talking about it with my wife, so I thought I'd burden you all with it. Advice, sympathy, snide comments -- contribute what you can.

Okay, so my wife and I have these friends -- we'll call them Rob and Laura; in time-honored couple-friendship tradition, I'm better friends with Rob, she's better friends with Laura. Rob and Laura split up a while back; the split was pretty much Rob's fault, and happened at Laura's insistance. Before they split, though, they were trying to have a kid, which was a big dream for both of them; the split has raised the possibility of Rob never being a Dad (we're all getting old here), which would devistate him.

Now Rob and Laura are in different cities, but still in touch by e-mail, and we're in touch with both of them. Meanwhile, in the intervening period, Laura has:
- gotten involved with a new guy, whom we'll call Ian
- become pregnant with Ian's kid
- moved in with Ian
- and, just recently, had the baby
all without ever telling Rob (who may even harbor hopes of someday getting back together) about any of this.

My problem is not that their lives have become a cheesey daytime soap opera. My problem is I know all this. Someday, it's all going to come out, and Rob is going to be stunned, then devistated, and I'm going to be standing there feeling like an ass because I knew all along.

So, the questions:
1) What would you do if you were in my shoes now?
2) Would would you do if you were in my shoes when the sh*t finally, finally hits the fan?

	10-04-2003 16:20									#2
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Tell Rob and tell him you knew all along. You know you will have to eventually and the longer it takes you to come clean, the harder it is going to be on your friendship.

	10-04-2003 16:28									#3
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Wow, that's a tough one .... I think I'd just cut my losses and move to Mexico.

	10-04-2003 16:29									#4
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tell him the truth, but get him drunk first

	10-04-2003 16:34									#5
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Tell your poor friend robbie...

	10-04-2003 16:35									#6
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Tell him that Laura's child is from you and then when he's about to kill you, tell him the truth. It will be easier for him to take it.

	10-04-2003 16:39									#7
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good idea eli

	10-04-2003 16:39									#8
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You didn't mention if they were divorced. I take it that they are, so....

Yeah, tell him. The woman is no longer his wife, so those rules generally don't apply.

If you want to get him started on the right track, tell him that she moved in with Iain, "here's her new phone number" and let life do the rest.

	10-04-2003 16:45									#9
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Hook him up with a hot young babe. Then tell him when Rob is all tied up with her.

	10-04-2003 16:53									#10
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Tell him.

Not doing so will do nothing to alleviate his pain; but will likely increase it. Inevitably he will find out, and if the kid is already born the shock will be worse, plus he will be upset at you for not telling him.

Consider that you may not be telling him largely because it will be unpleasant for you to do so. Its your job as his friend to minimize his suffering.

Tell him.

	10-04-2003 17:07									#11
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Don't tell him. None of your business.

	10-04-2003 18:13									#12
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Blackmail Laura with the information, then tell Rob anyway after you've bled her dry.

	10-04-2003 18:19									#13
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quote: Hook him up with a hot young babe.

Always a good advice.

	10-04-2003 18:47									#14
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i agree with AH, not really your place to say. maybe you could ask laura to tell him, but i wouldn't do it yourself.

	10-04-2003 19:38									#15
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Yes, this is a mess but if you think this is like a cheesy soap opera, you should see my life...

Rob's just going to have to move on. She's found someone new. It's difficult, but it's the noly thing that can be done. The only problem is, he'll probably hate you if you tell him so.

	10-04-2003 19:40									#16
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Steal the child and sell it to Rob.

	10-04-2003 19:41									#17
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@ Stinger.

	10-04-2003 20:32									#18
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I agree with Red Jon. Rob has to move on, and it is your role to convince him. I think you should tell about Laura's new life very progressively, and start with talking about Ian. Rob has no real reason to hate you for it, and it can help you convincinging him to move on.

It'd be big crap if he hadn't children because of unrealistic dreams. In the end, if he manages to have children with another woman, he'd thank you bigtime.

	10-04-2003 22:36									#19
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I'm leaning toward AH and especially C0ckney's advice here. I'd like to be the one to break it to him, take him out, get him drunk, and then slap him until he faces the facts -- but I'm 7 time-zones away, and this isn't the kind of thing you do by e-mail. I should ask his ex to come clean with him already, I suppose.

Geez, I hate this sh!t...

	10-04-2003 22:45									#20
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Just tell Rob or ask Laura to tell him, otherwise he'll never look for another girl and then be sure he wont have kids ever.

Spec.

	10-04-2003 23:03									#21
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An opening will come up in your correspondence and then you can tell him the truth. Wait for him to ask a relevant question and then answer truthfully with a little extra information about her new child.

	10-04-2003 23:04									#22
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quote: Originally posted by Rufus T. Firefly I'm leaning toward AH and especially C0ckney's advice here. I'd like to be the one to break it to him, take him out, get him drunk, and then slap him until he faces the facts -- but I'm 7 time-zones away, and this isn't the kind of thing you do by e-mail. I should ask his ex to come clean with him already, I suppose. Geez, I hate this sh!t...

Ahhh. I didn't get that (about being separated) from the first post. You're quite correct: this isn't something you tell by email or even by phone.

	10-04-2003 23:52									#23
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1) What would you do if you were in my shoes now?

I'd ask Laura to tell Rob the truth. It's for his own good to hear it from her. It may be more painful, but it's the only way for him to finally get himself away from this string-along.

	11-04-2003 01:27									#24
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There are a few ways to go here:
a) If you are in contact with him and talk about everything, even said Laura. When the subject arises (IF it does) tell him, that he should move on like his exwife did, shes happy with the baby and his new guy. (-why, you mean you didn't know??!)
and you get it off his chest.
b) If you're in contact with both him and her you ask her. Hey Laura, does Rob know that you had a kid and moved on? No? I think he should know so he could give you relationship some closure.
c) If Laura doesn't think she wants to talk to Rob and put him up to speed with her life its up to you if you even want to tell him. And if it does come up to the conversation you can tell him that Laura said that she wasn't interested that he knew.

In any case. That relationship is over. Rob is going to have to get over whatever happened with his exwife and look for someone else to fulfill his paternal instincts.

	11-04-2003 04:35									#25
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If this guy is so clueless he doesn't know

a. the ex has a new boyfriend

b. she's had a baby with him

c. she lives with him

Mind your own business.

	11-04-2003 05:28									#26
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God, I hate to admit it, but...

AH changed my mind

	11-04-2003 06:08									#27
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I agree with AH, fi he can't figure it out, he doesn't need to be told by you.

I'm either a) he hasn't seen her in the last 3 month's of the pregnancy, or b) he convinced himself that she wasn't pregnant.

Either way, you telling him isn't going to change anything.

He's either moved on, or he is fooling himself and you aren't going to change that.

ACK!

	11-04-2003 06:14									#28
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quote: a) he hasn't seen her in the last 3 month's of the pregnancy

quote: Now Rob and Laura are in different cities, but still in touch by e-mail

He probably hasn't seen her since she moved to that other city...

But any way, if Laura doesn't even want to tell him (via e-mail, or calling him on the phone) that she's got a new guy, and that she has a child, she probably doesn't care too much, any ways... Tell her that Robby has secret hopes of getting together with her again. Maybe she'll pity him, and tell him herself. But don't bother yourself, because AH's point is still valid: if the guy isn't persistent enough even to make his ex admit she's got a baby from her new guy, ... well, don't bother.

	11-04-2003 06:19									#29
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The fact he's so completely unaware of what is actually happening in her life is probably why she left him in the first place.

	11-04-2003 08:15									#30
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I disagree. Since Rob will find out eventually, you're best off telling him now. If he can't rely on friends to feed him information he doesn't have, who can he rely on? If you don't think e-mail is the medium, write a letter, or call him on the phone.