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Bearcat
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Oregonia
Dec 1999
time: 05:13
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Hi everyone I was just wondering if I could start work on our own version if The Arrival.
I thought maybe I could start up were EA left off.
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President Jakjon
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Metro Area of NYC, New York, United States
Jan 2000
time: 05:13
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The story is going well, though there is some grammatical wonkiness. (:-]
(I think I misspelled "grammatical." And yes, "wonkiness" isn't a word.
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--President Jakjon
--Datalinks
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President Jakjon
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Metro Area of NYC, New York, United States
Jan 2000
time: 05:13
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More good stuff! (I'd love to collaborate sometime, maybe.) However, I have four points of concern:
1: Why would the Cultists destroy the temple? Killing the Universitites, that's perfectly understandable, but the temple itself?
2: What does Foreman Domai mean when he says that its "Out of our league." ?
3: You should describe how Roze gets into the Drone city- I got confused at the beginning of the scene where she buys the map.
4: Speaking of Domai and the Free Drones, perhaps you should elaborate on how they went from the point they were in the EA story (an idea in Domai's reawakening mind) to where they are in yours. (A major power.)
"We got factories closing down
Where the hell did all the good jobs go?
Well, I'll tell you where they went
My contributors make more profits
Hiring kids in Mexico."
Senator Bulworth
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--President Jakjon
--Datalinks
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Bearcat
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Oregonia
Dec 1999
time: 05:13
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I'm sorry if it was unclear to the readers but the CoP didn't destroy the alien temple. When I said "leave no building standing" I meant leave no University building standing. By "out of our league" I mean that the Drones are a society built mostly around manual labor. Their not into science and mysticism.
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President Jakjon
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Metro Area of NYC, New York, United States
Jan 2000
time: 05:13
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I see. Thank you for the response. I could offer further suggestions behind the scenes if you want. Just e-mail me.
Chapter ten was great. I particularaly liked when the University Captain was rescued- I've identified somewhat with him, and it would have hurt me if he died.
Keep posting!
(Once again, check out my thread if you haven't read Chapter four yet!)
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--President Jakjon
--Datalinks
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03-02-2000 10:11
as well as some dark ages materials in development)
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