10-03-2000 04:26									#1
	Comments on the Wizard of Chiron Support Apolyton buy from Amazon

Although I have posted a dood deal (I think) of SMAX-fiction, I have never before written a story of my own. This one should feel a lot like the Wizard of Oz, and I hope you don't mind.

	10-03-2000 04:56									#2
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Cool story! I especially like the mix of childish innocence with all-too-adult scientific menace!

However, the first chapter is written entirely in the present tense - if nothing else, it makes it very immediate and abrupt (which did the beginning a lot of good). I trust you're not going to maintain this immediate and taut method of storytelling throughout the entire story? That would be rather exhausting for a reader...

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"In all creation, there can be no task more onerous or tedious than that of playing God." - Stephen Fry, 'The Liar'.

	10-03-2000 06:32									#3
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very good... neeed more....
[This message has been edited by edgecrusher (edited March 10, 2000).]

	10-03-2000 19:53									#4
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Good beginning, good job of drawing the reader in. As Alinestra said, though, you may want to consider changing tenses...not only is it exhausting for the reader, it makes YOUR job harder.

Aside from that, can't wait to read the next. Good job!
[This message has been edited by Calin (edited March 10, 2000).]

	11-03-2000 08:26									#5
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Your story explores a side of the University that has never been explored previously- family life. Children are to be nurtured to be researchers, but also used as guinea pigs; right? I feel that this is very in tune with the general vibration of the University, so keep writing! (And change the tense.)

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--President Jakjon
--Datalinks

	12-03-2000 01:14									#6
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Allright, tense will be changed as of part two (i.e. now), but I might return to present tense sometimes for effect. Enjoy.

	12-03-2000 08:35									#7
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Great story, and I, for one, think your tenses are well-chosen.

(Keith Laumer's use of the present tense was downright eerie: "I come to awareness ...")

	12-03-2000 14:33									#8
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Hey... this story reminds me of a book I read when I was about 12. If only I could remember the title

First chapter described the state of mind of a girl (named Eva, if I am correct) who had survived a massive car crash and who was recuperating. She's in a hospital and her parents come to visit often, but one thing that is suspiciously absent is a mirror of any sort.

By the second chapter, the girl has become suspicious and asks her mother (by typing into a keyboard) to let her look at herself. Her mother starts to cry and refuses to initially, but eventually does so. The girl looks in the mirror and sees her hospital bed, with a nightmarish array of tubes and wires, and in the middle is a fearful-looking chimpanzee's face, staring back at her in the looking glass.

Anybody else know the story I'm talking about?

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"In all creation, there can be no task more onerous or tedious than that of playing God." - Stephen Fry, 'The Liar'.

	12-03-2000 23:54									#9
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The second chapter was terrific! The subject matter, the tense, and overall style produced a smooth and enjoyable writing experience. As always, keep writing.

I once knew a guy in middle school who could beat anyone in 9 moves or less. He had the best record in chess club, and he beat me once or twice. People would try to come up with methods of countering him, but he always would alter his tactics ever so slightly, and win. Then I realized the way to beat him: random moves. He could only win against one who planned, who was logical. So I did not plan, and my moves were, individually, illogical. He resigned after 15 turns and never showed up again.

So, that's my "little kid beaten in 9 moves" chess story. Speaking of stories, chapter five of mine is up.

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--President Jakjon
--Datalinks

	13-03-2000 03:22									#10
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very good... keep up tha good work.

	14-03-2000 01:21									#11
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That's part three posted. A note of warning to you readers; this story will be a long one. But a kind of conclusion to the first part of the story will come in part four. That part will again be in present tense, and it will be a long one. Look out for it in about two days.

	14-03-2000 02:17									#12
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Intriguing. I am certainly interested. Please continue.

Oh, and don't be afraid of the present tense. It lends an immediacy that can make your writing intense (Excuse the horrible pun).

	14-03-2000 06:34									#13
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[Finishing eating the praise.] It's cute, in a ten-year-old-converses-with-a-sentient
-war-machine type of way. I dug the cliff-hanger ending. It shows a sense of professionalism.

I'm not afraid of my pits smelling, either! However, no one appreciates it, even me.

Believe me, your story is rather speedy compared to mine. Chapters 1-6 all take place within about 36 hours of each other.

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--President Jakjon
--Datalinks

	15-03-2000 06:06									#14
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I've got part four ready, so why wait? Posting...

	16-03-2000 01:49									#15
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Ok, part five is up and I am taking my first shaky steps in using UBB-code. Hope you're all getting it right..

Also, I apologise to all for being such a lousy copy-cat, but I'd be honoured if some of you would let me use your usernames in the story.

Note: I'd also like to take into account which faction you'd like to belong to, so mentioning what faction (or factions) you like the most is appreciated.

	16-03-2000 02:41									#16
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No shame in that. It adds more fun to the story if you use other names.

Jasonian is a drone at heart. We would make a good supervisor, in either the Free Drones faction or the drone population of another faction.

	17-03-2000 06:56									#17
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I think I want to be a Believer. That is if you don't mind.

	18-03-2000 03:19									#18
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I don't mind at all. As I said, I'll take your wishes into account. Only if one faction becomes very popular while others have none I might choose another faction for you.

	24-03-2000 06:11									#19
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Great story. Keep up the good work. You have great detail in the realtion of the MMI. Most people don't go in to such detail. I think I'd be a Cyborg.

	25-03-2000 00:52									#20
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Any specific Greek letter/modern number youŽd prefer, Bearcat?

	25-03-2000 08:15									#21
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I dunno what you could do with my name but I would like to be in the story, somewhere... maybe I can be... hell, I dunno, its your story..

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Eternal Spark
As you command, Megatron...

	25-03-2000 08:37									#22
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Hmm how about Omega-7?

	27-03-2000 18:13									#23
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I like your story line real well. I've never really thought of the Cybernetic Conciousness as "sinister", but your portrayal of them thus far is definitely unsettling to me.

Feel free to use my handle in your story line if you wish. The Gaians and Spartans tend to be my two favorite factions (rather odd combination isn't it?).

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Old age and treachery: the perfect cure for youth and ambition...

	30-03-2000 11:54									#24
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great story! i love every single line, so keep on writing

korn469

	30-03-2000 23:15									#25
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That's chapter fourteen up! I want to thank all of you for the positive feedback. Know that there's much more yet to come. In fact, I can't see where the story will end...

Chapters will probably be posted at the rate of one per day for some time now. Hope you'll be able to keep up.
[This message has been edited by Raging Mouse (edited March 30, 2000).]

	03-04-2000 07:23									#26
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Great story! Keep up the good work!

	03-04-2000 22:18									#27
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wow... very nice. i'm literally on the edge of my seat. it put a sparkle into an otherwise shitty day so far.

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follow close, the train of fools
just like them, (could be) just like you
-their eyes don't seem right.

	04-04-2000 01:24									#28
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Your story is coming along really well. I have to admit that I'm passing through this forum once or twice per day to see if anything new is up.

I really like your portrayal of your characters. They have, well, "character". Even though some your characters overlap with those in other story lines, i.e., the various faction leaders, your portrayal of them is unique, consistent, and very valid.

All this and you say you don't know where this story is going yet? I'm looking forward to continuing this ride with you.

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Old age and treachery: the perfect cure for youth and ambition...

	04-04-2000 06:20									#29
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Ahh... I've come back to life!

	06-04-2000 18:49									#30
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Indeed you have. I'm afraid you won't be appearing for some time now, but you (and Bearcat) can look forward to appearing again; Bearcat in chapter 28 and you in chapter 30-ish.. I know, because I'm busy writing it.

But until then, stay tuned.