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Lazarus and the Gimp
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Whale-raping abomination
Aug 2000
time: 05:28
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1- His prostate has caught fire and it must be beaten out. With penises.
2- In rural areas of Denmark, it is considered to be the utmost good manners to greet your social equal with a bout of vigorous and unsolicited anal penetration.
3- Scientific research suggests that being bummed in an atmosphere of rarified nitrogen can cause the rectal walls to achieve a state of superconductivity. In the future, entire cities will be powered by the new generation of Fast Bummer Reactors.
4- The fleshy slapping noises caused by pelvises striking his buttocks in the act of man-love could be used to transmit messages via morse code, and we could become secret bumming agents.
5- Market research suggests that over 90% of children think that bumming is nasty and secretly hope it will never happen to them.
6- Poly had the "Apolyton Legend" title award to give to anyone misguided enough to bump uglies with another of their forum geeks. Let the "Counterglow Bummer" awards be born! It must be so!
7- We could stick a small TV camera on the bell-end of the intrusive phallus and market the resulting film of travel up his coal-hole as a low-budget Sci-Fi movie. "The Asstrix", or "Bumming John Malkovich", or something like that.
8- If we were to sufficiently enlarge his poo-poo through repeated acts of penetration, he could use it to store stuff in. Like keys, wallets and combs.
9- The smooth skin of his lower buttocks is the perfect surface to polish your plums on.
10- Legend has it that bumming Venom will cause Cthulhu to awaken, and drown the world in a sea of blood and ichor as his eldritch disciples and spawn visit their hideous wrath upon us. Which would rock.
11- The Bible is quite clear on the subject. "Come down and sit in the dust, O virgin daughter of Babylon, sit on the ground: there is no throne, O daughter of the Chaldeans: for thou shalt no more be called tender and delicate. Take the millstones, and grind meal: uncover thy locks, make bare the leg, uncover the thigh, pass over the rivers, bum Venom. Thy nakedness shall be uncovered, yea, thy shame shall be seen: I will take vengeance, and I will not meet thee as a man."
Isaiah 47.1
12- Even if that passage turns out to be a mistranslation, it'll still piss off the fundamentalists.
13- If he was to be bummed on a static-generating surface (such as the baize covering of a pool table) he would become positively charged with ions capable of attracting leaves and feathers.
14- He's a dirty ***** and he'd love it.
15- If the frequency of the pumping was carefully timed, it could create a resonating effect that would result in his liver producing the note of C sharp with near-perfect clarity.
16- It could be televised. British terrestrial TV has not seen genuine man/man action since the pilot show for the Harry Secombe vehicle "You is piss right!". No other episodes were made, but the original rushes were recently auctioned on E-Bay and swapped for a mint copy of "DC Comics" issue 83 (the one in which Batman spends several frames rubbing his crotch against a shop window and leering at the girl on the till).
17- **** it. There's nothing good on TV.
18- It could form part of a team-building exercise. We could bum him, then talk about how it made us feel, and how we would use the experience to form an action plan for continuing development. This would all be recorded in nice ring-binders with inspiring pictures and logos, which we'll bung in our desks and never touch again.
19- Spanish fiestas frequently involve ritualised acts of cruelty to animals in a fetishised and sexual context, like tying daisychains around a donkey's **** before kicking it to death. We have no animals here, but he'll do. Ole!
20- If he was bummed in a forest, with no-one around, would anyone hear it? The best way to solve a philosophical conundrum is through hands-on experimentation, so let's chuck him in the boot and head for the trees.
21- Bumming Venom will significantly reduce deaths from cancer. I have no figures to back this up, but it's true.
22- We need a forum amateur dramatic society, and we're all keen to rehearse scenes from "Deliverance" and "Midnight Express", as well as the popular HBO serial "Oz". Venom can't act, but he can squeal and wriggle along with the best of them.
23- Great quotes from history I. "If you wish to defeat your enemy, bum him."
24- It's a game. We could introduce Percy the Pink Python to Harry the Hairy Hole, and watch him wriggle inside to spend the next few months digesting the gazelle he's just throttled and swallowed whole.
25- In ancient Rome, street orgies would break out at times of celebration, and the subsequent mass of heaving bodies (often consisting of thousands of rutting participants) would form great pink and towering mountains of ****, from which veritable geysers of sexual fluids would spray forth. These "al fresco" bummers taught us everything we know about civilisation, central heating and stuff like those massive jigsaws for floors with pictures of people with their kit off.
26- If Venom were to be locked in a box containing poisonous gas that may, or may not, be released then he would enter a precarious state of existance relative to everyone else. If effect, he would both exist and be non-existant at one and the same time. This, of course, means that as well as him being potentially existant/non-existant we're also potentially bumming him already. You can't argue with physics.
27- Bumming is great.
28- Given that recent Olympic games have featured **** like synchronised swimming, beach volleyball and golf, it's surely only a matter of time before medals are awarded for bumming Venom so I suggest we get into training before we get beaten by the ****ing Australians again.
29- His ringpiece is home to an endangered species of microscopic pandas, who exist by grazing on the curly hairs that surround their homes. They are becoming increasingly rare due to the fact that their habitat is being wiped out by their host's addiction to "Back, crack and sack" waxing. Frankly, they're begging to be wiped out.
30- Though man-love up the arse is now considered to be a healthy and socially acceptable (even laudable) act, this was not always the case. In the past, bumming was often used as a brutal means of reinforcing social divisions- to let the underlings know who the well-hung silverback alpha male is. Personally I think he's getting ideas above his station so I'm up for reviving a tradition.
31- Think about it. Would we have gone to war with Iraq if Dubya had flown over to Baghdad and bummed Saddam in front of millions of his citizens as they cheered and shouted "Ea-sy! Ea-sy!". I think not. In fact, he could have bummed Chirac too, just for a laugh. It's striking a vital blow for world peace and harmony.
32- If the bumming was vigorous, brutal and prolonged, he might suffer a rectal prolapse. Ha ha! Ha ha ha!
33- The prolapse being achieved, he could then paint the protruding length of rectum in a variety of colours and use his new "tail" to do animal impressions. If he was really hardcore about this he could live in a lake and pretend to be a beaver.
34- You want to, don't you? Just admit it to yourself and bugger the arse off him.
35- If you poked him botty-wise with a rubber johnny coated in tabasco and ginger, the resultant burning sensation would leave him capable of running 100 metres in a time that makes Tim Montgomery look like a thalidomide victim.
36- With a spot of careful balancing, he could lie horizontally off the ground, supported only by the impaling phallus. This would allow him to rotate on it like a propeller. If he was then to be magnetically charged, he'd become a sort of rudimentary compass.
37- Arseholes to everything. I'm bored now.
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16-05-2003 21:07
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