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Pekka
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em seu burro dos pais!
Feb 2002
time: 07:28
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.. to rant about miserable lives even though kids in Africa might disagree. Anyway, here it goes, the rant of a spoiled brad.
I came back from entrance exams to Uni. I think I didn't make it. I was a bit sick (diarrhea) and feeling frustrated to begin with. I can't give excuses though, I did my best. Maybe my performance was not the best possible, but it wasn't that bad either. I failed to do the two last questions because time ran out, so I missed lots of points, enough points to be excluded once again even though I answered every other questions correctly. Such is competition. I talked to talk but I couldn't walk the walk. I failed, and I haven't forgiven myself because the test was easy for me, and still I screwed up. Pretty much my dreams died all at once. Pretty tough to deal with. I don't know what I'll do from now on, or what I'll become. I'm not 18 anymore exactly. No savings, on property, no job..
.. but if that wasn't enough, the same day my mom e-mailed me, that she'll divorce my dad. Truly a shocker. I don't know if I should be angry or not. I was just overwhelmed by the surprise so I don't know what state I was in. They don't even fight or anything. I guess that's the problem. My dad still doesn't know about it, and he doesn't have any ideas and it will take him by complete surprise. I feel like crap, because I can't look into his eyes, he doesn't have any clue what's going on. I feel like I need to tell him, but I just can't. Somehow I'm thinking maybe she changes her mind, but I know she won't. The fact, that they divorce is not that bad, but the fact what happens then is. You see, my dad is not exactly a young lad anymore. He doesn't go out, drink beer, nothing. He doesn't know how to relax or have fun. He's always working, and he has done so since he was 14. Pretty much his life was stolen by work. He will NEVER find a new woman for himself. He's also looking to get retired now, so he's not young, and there's only so much time left to find a new woman. I'm convinced he can't do it, and don't tell my otherwise, I know my family.
So even though I'm not that peachy with my dad, we have had our differencies, but I just feel so bad for the man. They haven't talked about it like normal people. My mom has thought about this for the last few years, never told anything to anyone, and then makes the plans ready, so only thing missing is telling and then all is set already. How fair is that? I think that's so f*ing rude I can't believe it. How about working the problems out when they occur, or little later then by talking about it? Not keeping it inside and never telling about it, that's just not fair. She's talking about setting him free because she's a pain in his butt. That's the biggest BS I've ever heard. He'll be forever lonely and die that way.
I mean he works so much, it's all he does. He don't know how to relax or do things for himself. Because he works so much and doesn't know how to take a vacation and enjoy life, he doesn't have close friends. So he'll be completely alone, and he's not young anymore, and after this he surely doesn't magically learn how to relax and he'll get older, thinking he is useless, watching walls and clock waiting for the time to end. I'm so angry that my mom denies this fact. She has her own reasons to apart herself, and if she feels that way, then she should. But what about doing it earlier, like 20 years ago? Or 10 years ago? Why now, when there's no chance for the other one, and then being so sneaky about it, not telling about problems? She says she can't talk with him with stuff that is important to her, and I asked if she tried enough? I know she hasn't tried that much. She herself thinks it's useless to even try, and then makes conclusions based on that, building and building it and finally this.
I don't know what I should do or feel, I guess I'm incompetent to handle my feelings. I guess I learned that from my old man then. I don't even get feelings, maybe somehow I block them unconscioussnesly before they even reach my thoughts. There has been many setbacks, and recently they have been mounting so much and they're about to burst all at the same time, and I don't think this is healthy.
I don't know if this is poetic justice or something like that, but my dad kicked his dad out of the house when he was little younger than me. But he was abusive drunk. My dad doesn't drink, I think he tried to be the exact opposite because he hated his dad. He never told me these things, but I found out anyway. And he is the opposite, he's not violent at all and sober always. And now when he's about to hear this news, I mean it will kill him. His dad died alone, it was a sad story, and he's about to face the same fate. Even though we are not very close, I still feel so strongly that he doesn't deserve this. I'm trapped in this circle I'm living now, unable to brake myself through the obstacles and .. I don't know I just can't put it to words what I feel, at least not in english. Maybe I can't even explain it. It's mixture of many things. I think I've hit the bottom, and it's not about to stop soon. I hope you understand, whoever you are, that I needed to write this for myself. I was having a coffee with my buddies just an hour ago, but I can't talk to them about this. I just can't force myself to do it. So, I needed to tell this to someone and I appreciate your company and your collective wisdom which is unbelievably high. I'm pretty lost right now, and I'm dead serious about it.
Thanks for listening.
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Pekka
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em seu burro dos pais!
Feb 2002
time: 07:28
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And please don't question my predictions what happens to my dad. I know it, because I'm exactly like him. Maybe that's why haven't been able to communicate with him, because I tried so hard to be different, I saw him living in a prison he built himself, mental prison. And maybe I see myself in him, and know that I'm just like him. So, I know what will happen for sure. I will never see him again, he will not be able to deal with this because he can't handle his feelings, like me, and because of that he will never be able to recover, and he doesn't have all the time in his hands to recover. This is so unfair I can't find the right words for it. We're both emotionally impotent, but at least I have time left. Why did she wait this long? She said she just realized it.. yeah sure.
I e-mailed her back and I tried not to take sides or not to fire back too strongly, but I know she'll just think I'll never forgive her, she's quite sensitive you know. I don't know. Maybe I won't forgive her. It has nothing to do about love, if there even is such thing, at this point it's a mutual deal to live together and make the best out of it and be safe and know you're not alone. And that's it. It's a deal, and you don't brake it now. You brake it earlier, you don't do it now! I get along with my mom just fine, but this will seriously damage our relations, and I can't communicate with my dad either, so .. but you know I always thought that it's ok, I can live my own life and let them be angry at me, but at least they'd be angry together for the choices I made. Now they will be separeted, my dad will die alone, bitter and sad with no joy in his life at all and unfairly, and I'm unable to think my mom actually takes some other man because she has to, she doesn't have any savings or money, nothing. I just feel like I should f*cking kill every man that comes to the house. If this is what she chooses, then she should be alone and die alone, like my dad is about to. He worked so hard all his life to not go through this anyway. If he has to go alone and sad, then she has to go too that way. Makes me think if she already has another man. I think she doesn't, she has high morals and everytihng, but if she does, I'm booking a ticket right that second and take the fastest route to make there and I'll be the only male surviving that battle. I know it's wrong, but you can take it to the bank.
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Japher
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Ook! Ook! Ack! Ack! Ack!
Jun 2002
time: 05:28
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Hey,
I'm more mad that you F'ed up that test than about your parents getting a divorce (or so it seems)...
Why?
Because your an adult, and is about time you started to act like one, young man (yeah, like I'm old).
Your parents buisness is their buisness, it no longer concerns you. I could understand if you were still their little Pekka and this happened, because then the would of F'ed you buy making you pretty much raise yourself, which is pretty much the case in broken homes. Pretty much, since you left, it sounds like that place has become more of a house than a home. If breaking up will make your mom happy than you should support her while comforting your dad... You seem to be wanting to make this your problem (but not really doing so). IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU FOR ONCE.
This is about them, their love for you will not change and I am sure their love for each other will still be there, just in a different form. Encourage them to remain friends, if for nothing else, for your sake...
Sorry if I am being harsh, but I see this all the time. It happened to my cousins and my best friends (two of them). They don't blame themselves, they just try and make it about them, and then they get all sad... WHY?! ITS NOT ABOUT YOu.
Suks, however, that you can play the "daddy loves me more because he bought me a more expensive toy" game... 
Oh, back to the school thingy... What the F are you thinking?! Your a smart, stop F'ing up! Maybe you really don't want to go to Uni (on a sub-something level). Heck, forget Hell's-stinky and come to the US, we got a thing here called communit college that can get you into any Uni you want based off of merit and not off of some stupid standardized test... Just multiple standardized tests
--
Sorry for all the bashing, you just need to come back down to Earth and stop worrying about what other people are doing and start worrying about yourself... Be selfish... That's my motto
Oh yeah, *insert mushy crap here*... because your not going to get it, your too smart to be lied to
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Pekka
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em seu burro dos pais!
Feb 2002
time: 07:28
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Japher, you are correct, it's their business. And like I said, she has already made up her mind, there's nothing I can do. She wanted my honest opinion, and I felt like giving it. I didn't trash her, but I told that the way she's doing it (not telling about, discussing the problems in the first place etc etc) lacks honour so much, and I despice it.
Not the divorce itself, but the way it's going to happen.
And the biggest thing why I'm angry, is that my dad will go so much downhill he can't recover. He can't relax, he doesn't know how to do it. He can only work hard, but now he's getting retired. He's about to become a lonely guy whose only visitor is me sometimes, who dies alone, because the other part of the deal decided to skip out of it at this point. Earlier? Fine. Now? ... Bhhh...
It's a ****ing deal at this point, that you have someone. My mom can find a new man in no time. My dad can't. It's like leaving your wounded friend screaming in pain and running to make it for yourself. As some people might think it's ok and the thing to do, I feel it's the worst thing to do, you don't leave a friend who is in trouble, NEVER.
My dad can't soon take care of himself at all. Who is going to do that? We don't live in the US, I remind you. I'm the only one who he has, and we're not peachy to begin with, plus we can't communicate. I hate to see it happen! My dad in that place I mean. I know it because I'm just like him in some ways. It's not about two people groing apart from each other and looking for new things. It's about one side deciding to search something new, and leaving the other one completely hopeless and alone who can't survive alone at this point of life. It's a ****ing disgrace, that's what it is.
And you're right, it's not about me.
And as I know my dad, they will not remain friends. They will never see each other again.. maybe on few occasions. My mom would be up for close friendship, I bet, but my dad can't, because he is so ****ing unbelievably incompetent keeping it up, I know it because I'm like him. It's not a question of possible scenario, it is the only scenario.
And what about 'daddy loves me more'? Like I said, I get along with my mom, I don't get along with my dad. We don't connect. I just feel that he's getting the worst side of this 'deal', and that it's going to kill him inside what ever there is left.
And finally, I DON'T KNOW why I failed.. It was fairly easy test too! I mean not if you don't understand it, but it's my field, it was like a walk in the park! I just.. I don't know, I was nervous but I forced myself to give my best shot, but all I could think was 'this is my last shot, don't screw it up'. So I started doing it, making sure I wouldn't screw up and what you know, time ran out!
And my plan and dream IS to come into the US, but I can NOT afford it. I've been trying, and I guess I still have to give it another shot, I'm not going down. I'm just stupid, I don't know when I failed, I just keep going and bumping my head to the wall, but I'll keep doing it. Coming to the US is not that easy, as a matter a fact it's hard as hell, if you're BROKE.
Ok, NOW I'm over the 'feel-bad-for-me'-part. I'm just angry and fists up. I need to keep moving. I just haven't figured out the direction.
Last edited by Pekka on 05-06-2003 at 05:30
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Pekka
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em seu burro dos pais!
Feb 2002
time: 07:28
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Agathong, I did not. I know I scored full in the parts I actually did. I didn't complete the whole test. The points missed because of that are far to great to be missed. It is a fact, not a gut feeling.
Competition in here is very tough. There are only so few places and helluva lot more people who are all competent and willing to take that place. So you absolutely need full score. If you can't bring the top performance, you're out. And as I didn't do the few last questions, which weren't even tough, I'm out by default.
Last edited by Pekka on 05-06-2003 at 05:41
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Japher
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Ook! Ook! Ack! Ack! Ack!
Jun 2002
time: 05:28
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That's F'd up man!!! I'm thinking, will post soon... Your a good person Pekka, remember that. I will edit this post as a reply.
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Sounds like you mom will say here (is she on VISA?) here's what I would do:
Go to/call your dad and tell him what her plans are and/or comfort him. Why? Your mom already abandoned him, and bet you that he has an idea that this was coming. I would, from this point on, invest heavily in my dad.
Second, I would tell my mom that I am ashamed of her and angry, and that while I don't understand where she is coming from with this she!t, that I expect her to remain my mom and to contine the love she has given me, and that I hope that we can remain close. This is all for buisness reasons, since your mom will probably be becoming a US cit. sometime soon (from the sounds of it) and that it would be a lot easier for you to get here because of that.
Third, comfort your father (some more). I know that your relations may not be the best, but he is your father, and he is afterall human. He admires you for being like him, he may not show it, but he is...
----
Basically, you are you, they are they, unfortunatly your mom is making her one of they... Figure out how you can take advantage of them the most, while still showing them that you love them, and while still looking out for yourself... Personally, I am rather mad at your mom, but to give her credit, your dad doesn't sound like he tried to keep her or make her happy... He knows, she knows, is all you need to remember, you aren't the only one who sees things as you do...
Pekka, I am here for you and want to see get what you deserve... UNfortunatly I have to deal with my life (wifey is home) and I must tend to that... I will reply again tomorrow... You take care, and remember what I have told you, in particulary that this is not about you, and that it is 'you' you need to think about...
Take Care
Till Later
Last edited by Japher on 05-06-2003 at 07:10
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Spiffor
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CPA - Evil Clone brigade
Nov 2001
time: 06:28
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Pekka :
Gosh. That's hard 
About your Dad, his hardworking habit leaves him one chance. You said he wants to retire, which is good. Plenty of workaholic retirees work in associations or organizations, and devote their time to the thing (generall a humanitarian or a hobby association).
If he goes there, and I sure hope he will, he'll find new "colleagues" and a renewed postcarreer social life, without thinking he is useless.
About your mother, I think she didn't left him before because of your age. There are generally two waves of divorce : very shortly after the wedding, when the couple realises it isn't the good combination, AND after several decades of marriage, when all kids are grown up, and when this big unifying factor (raising the kids) is obsolete.
You said your mother planned the divorce for years... I think that's because she didn't want to break your dad (and indirectly you) before you were fully grown up and able to resist the shock.
Lastly, about your dad again, know that people can learn at all ages. If his workaholism makes him having an associative social life, his new colleagues might (this is very far from being certain, but the chances is not nil.) teach him how to enjoy life. The divorce will be enough of a crisis to maybe push him to think about his way of life and change it.
There is hope for the situation not being as dire as you say, because there are some opportunities at hand. Your role here will only be to help your dad seizing these opportunities.
If you reply, please do it quickly, I'm going to bed very soon 
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Bereta_Eder
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Pekka, I wish I had opened this thread earlier and say something
All I can say is courage and life does NOT end if or if you don't enter the university here and now or, if your parents get a divorce.
i think you need to try and distance yourself from all this, take a breathing space, although I can understand it's hard to do.
i cannot say anything else I'm dead tired, osrry, but I'll say this : you know brain cells which record emotions are just like plasteline, like a matress, the emotion is printed on them and the harder the emotion the harder the imprint, but just as sure as the laws of physics, like a matress will come back to its previous form sooner or later, so do the brain cells which record emotions they will looese more and more their imprint AS TIME GOES BY. This time can be just 24 hours, and if you sleep it's better, and the imprint will not be so heavy on the cells any more.
i know it's stupid thing what I found to say.
but courage anyway 
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Pekka
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em seu burro dos pais!
Feb 2002
time: 07:28
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Spiffor
Well.. he retires because he's old. He should have retired few years ago anyway. He does not want to retire, and is making it just harder for himself. Working is all he knows, he defines himself by that. And he spends time at home too, but when he's home, he can't do anything, except wait for another day of work. He never picked up hobbies for himself, never. The only place he feels comfortable is work. He loves it there, because he's very good at it. He can't decide things, he can't make even the simplest food, he can not even use the ATM properly. I'm serious. He only knows work, and that's it. He doesn't care about doing anything else, and he doesn't even want to. He's a stubborn SOB too. He won't go to any meetings, he won't help himself. He doesn't let anyone help him. He is VERY stubborn. You have to know the man to know what it means. He will be forever lonely, sad and bitter. This is for sure.
Japher
Thanks for replying.. Yeah she has VISA. She won't become US citizen. She'll prolly be there for another year or two and then come back here. She is getting paid under minimum wage I think, anyway very bad considering her job and skills and they have admitted it but won't change the situation. She should be making over 2 times more than she's now making. In this month alone after paying federal taxes (or state, not sure), she's left with 400 dollars.. So no, she won't be staying.
About me and my dad.. well.. we are two guys who are the same, and at the same the exact opposites. He will not accept my comfort, well at least he acts like it even if he appreciates it, and I don't know how to give it to him. We are truly impotents in this way. We are both strong willed and stubborn. But I'll try to think of some way, I just don't know how.
About my mom, I have e-mailedher and that I will not support her in this, but in general I won't be walking away from her. I clearly stated what I think of this, and that she is leaving an old man alone who can't survive alone, and lacks normal everyday skills.
As I said, she should have done this earlier. Not because of my feelings. If they were younger, I'd be sad for a while but get over it. Now I'm thinking about my old man, who is getting this thing over his shoulders and it's just too heavy, I know it for sure.
Thanks for being on my side of things and hearing me out. It means a lot to me, as I have no one to talk about my stuff in real life. Well maybe few people, but I'm just a wussy that I just can't. Like my dad never could. Ironic.
Last edited by Pekka on 05-06-2003 at 07:43
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Ben Kenobi
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McGregornobi!
Oct 2002
time: 21:28
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quote:
There has been many setbacks, and recently they have been mounting so much and they're about to burst all at the same time, and I don't think this is healthy. |
Pekka:
The problem with stifling some emotions is that eventually, all of them get chipped away. Bottling up how you feel will only leave you more depressed.
If you want to PM me, fire away, and I'll answer as best as I can.
Good for you to contact your dad. Try to open up to him, I'm somewhat like you in that I don't let others get too close, (I'm a lot nicer from far away.)
Tell your mom that while you don't agree with her decision, that you are still her son and she is still your mom. She's going to feel bad enough losing your dad, regardless of what she says she feels right now.
What attracted her to your dad in the first place? Try to remind her of happier times. I'm really sorry to hear that things are so bad for you, your school, and your family.
I'd tell you to come to Canada, but I'm afraid we don't have much of a military to satisfy. 
Please don't be afraid to let it out, and to place all your burdens. In my own example, I would remind myself of:
1 Peter 5:7
"Cast all your anxiety on Him, because he cares for you."
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Pekka
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em seu burro dos pais!
Feb 2002
time: 07:28
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obiwan18 and Zero, I don't know what made them be together in the first place. I don't care what military is like, just that there is one . Moving means money, broke means no moving.
You guys know what the biggest joke is? She actually does also some marriage counceling for couples as part of her job. Gives them advices to communicate and try to work problems out. It's funny, because she doesn't do it herself! I asked her if she had tried enough, and she confessed that she hasn't tried too much at all. Now that's what I call hypocrite. She has always had the opportunity to do what she wants. I mean, she works across the world now, so it's not he restricts her. She wanted to change her profession when she was in her mid 30s.. sure, my dad paid for her studies, and was the only one bringing money to the family making sure we got all we wanted. And we did and then some. He worked his ass off. He takes no joy himself, and now when he's most vonurable and needs her literally because he lacks every damn skill from starting going to grocery store to ordering take out food, plus he's already forgetting things all the time because of his age, NOW she decides to dump him cold, from another side of the globe, reaching for something better???? She will literally destroy his 'future'. Is she going to dump him in retirement home or something? What about pay for it? I don't think so! Just 'good bye, we did have some nice times didn't we, let's not feel bad that I want to try my wings and sorry that I didn't tell about my feelings and problems at all to you and that this is a surprise and that I didn't give you second chance, or chance to change. Now go and die alone'. Yeah, what a nice thing to do.
Like I said, it's not about growing apart anymore, it's about deal you make to stay together. Too bad if you get bored, but if you decide to stab somone in the back and not even have the courage to talk about it and make the plans ready and everything.......... it will leave me standing my mouth open and to gain that respect back is going to be super tough. It's all about leaving someone who needs you, because you soon can't take care of yourself.
When my dad came here to do some work from the US, that's when they lived apart for some months. She e-mailed that she was first sad because of the separation, but then realized she can survive alone too, and when she really thought of it, she realized that maybe he wasn't the man he wanted. So, she lived with him because she HAD to? Because she couldn't survive? Well guess what, he could have lived without her all the time, but just now he can't anymore, and that's when she realizes she can make it her own and dump him? Oh yeah, that's honourable thing to do. Jeesh..
Last edited by Pekka on 05-06-2003 at 10:57
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Cruddy
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Well Pekka, it's a setback with university. But you can always do formal study later.
What I suggest you do is write a wish list of stuff you NEED to study. Identify your blind spots and take any old course, read any old book, to broaden your education.
As for your parent, of course you feel bad, and of course, you want to tell your Dad. But the people above are right - it's not your place to come between your parents. Not now, not ever.
Try and support both at this difficult time. Choosing sides now is a BAD move. Don't commit too early - because it can take years, DECADES, to come back from that point.
Deal with the hear and now. Get a job, ANY job, that will occupy your body and bring in a little cash - and start planning your life, rather than reacting.
I spent all of my life up to 33 just drifting and reacting. Now I've finally made it onto a university course, I'm gonna stick it. Maybe 5 years till my degree, I'll be 40 - yep, FORTY - before I'm qualified but so what?
I enjoyed my youth and learned a lot, NONE of it in the classroom, quite a lot on the street, protesting and being a rebel.
I've done my bit for socialism and now it's time to concentrate on ME.
Start this process earlier, and believe me, you'll go further and faster. OK, you might miss out on some good parties - but as you are finding out, partying is for when you've got the time to spare. As a lifestyle it's a dead end.
Hope this helps.
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Cruddy
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"A good general knows when to retreat, and has the courage to do so."
AW Duke of Wellington
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Cruddy
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Like I said, study your blind spots. Decide if Uni is what you need right now, or maybe a stint in business management or seal hunting or whatever.
Education is all very well - but there is no substitute for experience.
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05-06-2003 03:00
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