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Pekka
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em seu burro dos pais!
Feb 2002
time: 07:29
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Ups, I messed up something. Well here's the original post I meant to send:
I made a decision, that I'll be better person. I'm ashamed of myself, that what motivates me is money mostly. Money, power, sex, and all other artificial man made obejcts of desire.
I've been doing lots of thinking lately, and I find my life not as enjoyable as I'd like it to be. I always thought the answer to that would be money and lots of one night relationships with models. I've been failing trying to grab it, thinking it somehow belongs to me, and that I deserve it and it's mine to take. Would I be happy, if I got lots of money and hot chicks? Maybe. Is my happiness based on things that I can buy, and lust, and if I fail to get those things, am I doomed to be unhappy for the rest of my life? I hope not.
I don't want to be dependent on expensive things. I don't want to forget all moral things, just to justify myself to lying and cheating to get superficial things. Or cause misery to others, just to please myself.
In the past, I've done things that I'm not proud of. I haven't done those things ever since in my adult life, but it was me who did them. It wasn't an accident, I decided to do them, to get those superficial things, to get respect from others based on wrong things. I want to be respected as the person who I am, and what I do or don't do. And the motivation of doing it must not be gaining respect. It must become naturally, or then not at all. At the end of the day what matters is that I respect myself for the things I did or said.
I want to become a better person. Nobody is perfect, but there are lots of things that I could do better. I have made mistakes, everyone does them. I have caused misery that was not necessary, but because I was greedy. It took me a LONG time to understand it, because I've been denying it, lying to myself. When I was young, I was proud of saying 'I don't have any morals, it's just a prison people build to themselves' and as a result of that, I actually believed in it, when I said it too many times. I was lying, but after a while it was my 'reality'. I wanted to be something that I wasn't, pursued it, and believed I was that person. And now I hate it, I hate and loath the person I tried to be. I'd kick his ass if I saw him today in my house.
But you have to live with it, and learn from it and hopefully make the right decisions to become a better person, and that is my decision. The decision is very strong and I'm confident becoming that person. I realized, that it is what I have to do, to respect myself. And that is very important. After that I can allow myself to like myself and forgive those mistakes I made. And after that, I can be happy about myself, and I don't need all the money in the world to do it. I don't need to buy expensive things, or have lots of unprotected sex.
I have a strong drive to start being a good person who forgives, helps and does the right thing. I hope you don't think I'm a nutcase or anything, but I feel like the drive is beyond me and something is guiding me. And now it's up to me and I will not fail, as I have all the help I need and the biggest and baddest dude of the block behind me.
I still like those expensive things though, and I can't help myself drooling after hot ladies, but that's the way it is. But I can decide myself what to do about it and how to act on it. I can think rationally, base my decisions on stronger values. And I believe now, that the end of the day, because of those values and actions, I can be happy and have a peace of mind.
If I get lucky and get lots of money on my journey, then so it will be, good for me. If not, well.. it's not that important.
Sorry for the long post that seems meaningless, but I wanted to say this.
Free word folks, say what you want. I hope I inspire someone to let things go and may the chips fall were the may you know.. I'm just mumbling now, free word, use it!
ps. This doesn't mean I'm becoming a rotten commie!
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Pekka
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em seu burro dos pais!
Feb 2002
time: 07:29
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Boris, nah, that's not the case. I just said it as an object of desire. It's not really desire of my life though. I'm sorry, that was not very accurate  .
It already gave me good results. I genuinely feel good, more confident, and I like myself more. I'm still trying to find things and I'm not complete, but I'm molding and going to better direction. Maybe I'm even happy right now. It didn't take 10 years, I'm feeling great right now.
And even if bad thigns happens, that's ok, I know I'll return to this state sooner or later, as I have found some keys I was looking for all this time. Not so much confusion anymore. And it was free too. All I had to do was escape to a cabin for two days, get drunk as hell and then set everything to 0 and start from there, do lots of thinking and evaluating my priorities and who I am, what I want and how can I get there. I'm pretty much set.
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VetLegion
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quote:
I want to become a better person |
Another one bytes the dust.
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chegitz guevara
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Ft. Lauderdale, FL Communist Party of Apolyton
Jun 2000
time: 00:29
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It's a song they play on Sesame Street, or at least they did thirty years ago.
o/~ = musical note
Last edited by chegitz guevara on 18-06-2003 at 22:28
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All times are GMT. The time now is 05:29.
Apolyton Time is 00:29. |
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18-06-2003 03:54
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