10-07-2003 23:50									#1
	The Joke's On You Lose 30 kilos (of popups)

A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

Two peanuts walk into a bar -- One was a salted. Che?

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this BS before.

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad...or maybe my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu.
But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

My friend drowned in a bowl of mueslix.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.

I went to a seafood disco rave last week ... and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam!"

The best for last:
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Why?, Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

	10-07-2003 23:58									#2
	Put an end to popups!

Mods, PLEASE lock this tread before it goes any further

	10-07-2003 23:59									#3
	Support Apolyton, buy Galactic Civilizations

quote: A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I did that once. It was fun.

	11-07-2003 00:03									#4
	Remove this text

Lock this thread and ban the thread starter.

	11-07-2003 00:17									#5
	Re: The Joke's On You Got spare money?

quote: Originally posted by SlowwHand What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

For some reason I enjoyed that one most .

	11-07-2003 00:27									#6
	Support Apolyton, buy Galactic Civilizations

yes, ban

	11-07-2003 00:36									#7
	Re: The Joke's On You Support Apolyton buy from Amazon

quote: Originally posted by SlowwHand Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

	11-07-2003 00:38									#8
	Avatar Enlargement: We've got the solution

Sorry Sloww, bad jokes and worse puns are not appreciated by this audience.

	11-07-2003 00:39									#9
	Increase Your PM Length

Nothing like a good physics joke to brighten the day.

	11-07-2003 00:48									#11
	Support Apolyton buy from Amazon

Good job, Sloww.

	11-07-2003 00:51									#12
	Support Apolyton, buy Alpha Centauri

Sloww, you just earned yourself a trip to Cuba with this thread...

	11-07-2003 00:56									#13
	Suffering from ads?

Tough crowd.

	11-07-2003 00:57									#14
	Support Apolyton

Oh, bad jokes and puns?

A man walks into a bar..ouch.

	11-07-2003 01:01									#15
	Avatar Enlargement: We've got the solution

Learn more about "International Dating Etiquette"


ITALIAN WOMAN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti &meatballs.

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.

5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.


CAUCASIAN WOMAN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.

Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.



BLACK WOMAN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you!



IRISH WOMAN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.



JEWISH WOMAN:

First Date: You get laid & get dynamite head.

Second Date: You get more great head.

Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head nor have sex again.



PERSIAN WOMAN:

First Date: You fill out the mandatory family questionnaire listing all your assets, along with your pedigree.

Second Date: You go out to the park with her and her whole family comes along.

Third Date: She claims she's a virgin and refuses to have sex with you.

Fourth Date: She makes up for the past ten years of sexual deprivation in one night. You're rushed to a hospital for exhaustion.



LATIN WOMAN

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car.

Second Date: She is pregnant.

Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.



POLISH WOMAN:

First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She gave you the wrong address.

Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant.

She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.

Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.



KOREAN WOMAN:

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.

Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.



INDIAN WOMAN:

First date: Meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third date: Wedding night

	11-07-2003 01:17									#17
	Support Apolyton, buy GURPS/ Alpha Centauri

Good stuff all of you .

	11-07-2003 01:25									#19
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Stealing my signature???!!!
sheeeeeeshh

	11-07-2003 01:30									#20
	Full PM-box? Change here!

It was a package deal. Not intentional theft.
Guess I better round myself up, take me to the nearest tall pecan tree, string me up.

	11-07-2003 01:32									#21
	Get a bigger avatar today!

Did you hear the one about the bell-ringer replacement for Quasimoto?

	11-07-2003 01:46									#22
	Suffering from ads?

No. What ?

	11-07-2003 01:46									#23
	Remove this text

A Famous Northern Litigator went down to Arkansas to Duck Hunt.

He went out to this field, saw a Duck, shot it, went to retrieve it. He approached the fence that seperated the hunting property from the adjacent farmers property. As he went to climb the fence, the framer approached him on his tractor.

"Just getting my Duck" stated the Yankee attorney.

"That thar's my duck....my property..my duck" drawled the Razorback agriculturist.

The enraged Lawyer was furious, spat out.."I'll sue you for everything you own and put you on the street if you don't let me have my %$#@*~ Duck!

Calmly, The Farmer, spitting his chaw of T-Backey on the ground, stated, "well, Mr. City Slicker, dont get your hair hung in a twist, we here in Arkansas settle things with a "Three Kick Rule".

Puzzeled, the Yankee inquired closer, "Whats that?..this 3-Kick rule?"

Again, spewing tobbacco juice toward the feet of the attorney, he continued.."Well, what we do is One of us kicks the other 3 times, then the other takes his turn, until one of us gives."

The Lawyer beamed a crafty smile, slyly, with his best game face on, he thought.."Hmm, I am 37 years old, I play racquetball 5 days a week, swim 3 days a week, run every day, eat healthy, am in the best shape of my life"..pausing, noticing the farmer was in his early 60's, smirked..stating

"You go ahead and go first old timer"

They each met on the farmers property, between the tractor and the dead duck. The Farmer walked up, Kicked the Attorney square in the Testacles, sending the attorney to his knees, tears in his eyes, blinded by the excruciating pain.

The next kick land by the steel toe of the farmers boot sunk into his kidneys area. The attorney lay sprawled out with a shortness of breath barely audible as he tried to take air.

The Farmer then kicked the Yankee in the face, breaking his nose, splitting his top lip, shutting his right eye swollen.

The attorney couldnt believe what had just happened, struggling with his last ounce of energy, he found strength to get to his feet. He looked out his one good eye, told the farmer, "Im gonna whoop your AR$E!".

The Farmer, spewing his Tobbacco chaw onto the attorneys right foot, smiled with his toothless grin..

stated "Forget it, you win, keep the duck!"


Peace

Grandpa Troll

	11-07-2003 01:48									#24
	Support Apolyton, buy Galactic Civilizations

THE BELLRINGER

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of
the cathedral of Notre Dame
sent word through the streets of Paris
that a new bellringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would
conduct the interviews personally
and went up into the belfry
to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants
demonstrate their skills,
he decided to call it a day when
a lone, armless man approached him
and announced that he was there
to apply for the bellringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous.
"You have no arms!" he said.
"No matter," said the man, "observe!"
He then began striking the bells with his face,
producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment,
convinced that he had finally found
a suitable replacement for Qyasimodo.
Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell,
the armless man tripped, and plunged
headlong out of the belfry window
to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side.
When he reached the street,
a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure,
having been drawn by the beautiful music
they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through,
one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop replied,
"but his face rings a bell."

(Wait there's more)

The following day, despite the sadness
that weighed heavily on his heart
due to the unfortunate death
of the armless campanologist,
the bishop continued his interviews
for the bellringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said,
"Your excellency, I am the brother of
the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death
from this very belfry yesterday.
I pray that you honor his life
by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition,
and as the armless man's brother stooped
to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned,
clutched at his chest and died on the spot!

Two monks, hearing the bishop's
cries of grief at this second tragedy,
rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened"
the first breathlessly monk asked, "Who is this man?"

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop,
"but he's a dead ringer for his brother.

	11-07-2003 01:53									#25
	Support Apolyton, buy Civilization 2

Yeah. I'm only a warm-up act.

	11-07-2003 01:58									#26
	Suffering from ads?

My dad use to listen this radio station every morning that played both kinds of music (country AND western), and they use to give what they called "The Groaner of the Day"... It was the worst joke they could find.

Rather funny, when you know it's suppose to be dumb.

What's the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman?

Snow-balls

	11-07-2003 02:10									#27
	Suffering from ads?

oh my god...

	11-07-2003 02:38									#28
	Support Apolyton buy from Amazon

Here are few ones:

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.


What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
Not everyone's been in a 747!


Q: Who made the first soft drink?
A: Adam -- he made Eve's cherry pop


Adam and Eve were standing opposite to each other when Adam got his first erection. The two watched, astonished, until Adam suddenly exclaimed, “Move aside -- I don't know how far its gonna go.”


If a man and a woman get married in Texas and move to Washington are they still brother and sister?


What is a hooker in Alaska called?
A frostitute!


What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?
BINGO!


What do you call the moisture between two people having sex in Alabama?
Relative humidity

	11-07-2003 02:45									#30
	Support Apolyton, pre-order Civilization IV

How do you keep a blonde busy?
Put her in a round room and tell her there is a vibrator in the corner!