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Pekka
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em seu burro dos pais!
Feb 2002
time: 07:30
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OK I'll give you an example.
I was thinking the character of the man I was looking in the mirror. I flirted with some words.. but couldn't agree with any one of them. I flirted with some negative words, and again, I couldn't get anything. Like 'Greedy'.
I thought that I should be thankful for everything I have, and that I'm healthy and live in safety. But then again, I want expensive nice things like.. Lexus maybe, nice big house, to be succesfull in EVERYTHING I do, I want to do better than any of my friends (though I want them to do good as well). I want to have a big pool, damn I want so much cash that I think nothing would ever be enough for me. Once I get a nice thing like a big house, I'm always looking for more, more and more. If I was given 10 million, I'd be happy about it, but it wouldn't be enough.
So, greedy. Or am I ambitious? I like succeeding, I love it just because of the feeling of success. I just set high standards.. what's wrong with that.. I'm just ambitious.
Or am I? Or am I perfectionist? Nah, that I am definitely not. And the thing is.. if I fail to get those things, do I get POd about it? Absolutely!
You see, it is hard for one to define themselves  .
It's like the bible.. people see it as a good book, some people see it as not so good book. Some people can find good stuff in it, some people find the bad stuff in it. And then the rest argue with all the controversiality in it.
And it is controversial, and it has to be interpreted sometimes if you're looking for answers. But the book doesn't know it.. it's the people who argue about it.
I mean, mafiosos think they are good people, or at least most of them. Deep down inside.. they're still good folks, decent people. Forget about the crimes like murdering people, they're good guys. I bet that's what they think.
Is it true then?
And what's real in it anyway? If I speak good words and I'd like to believe the good things I say, preach or what ever, then what about if I deep down don't believe it? Or what if I start to believing in it after a while, am I that person then, or does history judge me? Does it judge me, if no one wrote about it? Is it all make belief, or is it something we can call real? Let's say someone comes to talk to me, and I say 'that's interesting' and smile, even though I couldn't care less. Does that make me a bastard? Naturally not a bastard because I can't be interested in everything, but you get what I mean?
The point is, do you just read the words that could define your personality, and go with what you like and then try to be them, ultimately being them? Or do you really recognize 'yes that is me'? If first option was yes, then isn't it just fooling yourself, and make belief? If the latter, then how do you know? You assume you know it when it comes to other people than you, but when it comes to yourself, how do you go with that? Or is it possible to be stuck in the middle with the whole mixture of things, that you can't really say anything about yourself other than what you do and what your name is?
I can say what I was 10 years ago, 5 years ago and 2 years ago. It has changed in time. But do I have to wait another 2 years, so I can look back to say what I was now? 
Ok I'm tired, I didn't sleep last night a single minute. I guess I'll just hit the bed.. 
Last edited by Pekka on 23-08-2003 at 14:55
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23-08-2003 14:10
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