23-08-2003 22:30									#1
	Gimp holiday Increase Your PM Length

Highland cattle

Is there any other animal with such a magificently truculent "**** you" attitude? They just sulk by roadsides with their ****gy red coats and horns, clearly failing to give a **** about absolutely anything. "Yeah? I'm standing in the road. Wanna make something of it?". I witnessed any number of misguided foreign tourists attempting to hand-feed these brilliant animals, only to be met with a contemptuous stare and snort of disgust.

Climate

While England sweltered in record temperatures, I spent a happy fortnight in an area where it never got over 20 degrees C. That meant lots of cosy nights in front of an open fires and drinking loads of obscure malts to stay warm.
Rain in the Hebrides is weird. I think that the Hebrides is technically a desert because no rain touches the ground. It just goes past horizontally at 80 mph.

Midges.

Jesus ****ing christ almighty. I've encountered my share of insect bastards in my time (including Arctic mosquitoes and Tsetse flies) but I swear nothing is quite so infuriating as Scottish midges. For the benefit of those lucky enough to have never encountered them, they are tiny flies, like pinpoints with wings, that have an appetite for blood that Christopher Lee could never have got near. They are small enough to crawl through mosquito veils in their thousands and bring you up in so many itchy lumps that you're left resembling a braille edition of "Clarissa". In terms of pound-for-pound evil, they are the devil incarnate.

Harris, Outer Hebrides.

God's rockery. To describe it as "rugged" is a bit of an understatement- it has boulders like other places have blades of grass. Clearly when all those boulders were still in situ, Harris must have made the Himalayas look like Belgium. It's also got the most beautiful British beach I've seen (Luskentyre) where mountains just fall into ivory sands and crystal clear north Atlantic water. It's practically deserted too.
Harris also has the most inbred people I've seen outside of Norfolk. I was listening for banjos all the way.

Gaelic.

Weird language, with totally random spellings. How the hell is "Poit dubh" pronounced "Potch goo"? It's oddly attractive when spoken, in an earthy way. While Romantic languages resemble the stately whirl and gleam of a noble's waltz, Gaelic sounds like two bodies slapping together in their own sweat and juices. Or wet laundry slapping on a rock. Pick the simile that fits your mood.

Roadkill.

Any city-dweller knows that a pigeon, when properly flattened, covers an area similar to your average 12-inch pizza. After Harris, I can report that a single adult sheep can cover an entire carriageway in fleecey red goo.

Animals

Seals, otters, Sea Eagles, buzzards, porpoises, Minke whales, Red Deer, rabbits galore.

Lewis, Outer Hebrides.

An immense peat bog. With earth temples and stone circles looming out of it. Callanish is amazing- it's Britain's Taj Mahal and Notre Dame all rolled into one. It's a complex of 5000-year old stone circles and even older earth temples in one of Britain's most desolate and isolated corners.

Heather ale

The drink of the ancient Picts- it's fermented barley flavoured with heather flowers. It tastes great- not unlike Bass. The people who market this primitive beer got carried away and brought out another one flavoured with pine needles that tastes ****ing rank.

Surviving.

Everything shuts on a Sunday. It's Sunday, we're miles from civilisation, it's freezing cold and we've no peat for the fire. However I've found a blunt cleaver in the shed.
It takes a peculiar type of mindset to cut down and chop up a 20-foot+ Sitka Pine with just a blunt cleaver, but I'm English, damn your eyes. Job done.

Drinking

Yes.

Drugs

Them as well.

Dunvegan Castle. Isle of Skye.

If you ever get the chance to go, don't. It's crap. I can forgive the owners for wanting home comforts. I can overlook the fact that the arrowslits were replaced by sash windows. I can turn a blind eye to the great hall being converted into a series of sitting rooms with 1950's decor.
What I canot forgive is the fact that some **** took a look at a brooding medieval border fortress and thought "Hey! Let's get it pebble-dashed!". In one stroke, an ancient castle was transformed into an overgrown coastal retirement bungalow.

European tourists.

Why in God's name do they attempt to hand-feed sheep? They approach, with handfuls of grass, making encouraging sounds. The sheep take one look and bolt for the hills.

Souvenirs.

Cask-strength Caol Ila. 12-year old Poit Dubh. A lump of 3,000,000,000 year old Lewisian gneiss (Britain's oldest rocks) from the Callanish area.

Holiday beard.

Grew one. It looked stupid.

	23-08-2003 22:55									#2
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You mean, there are inhabitants in the Hebrides ? I was sure it was some Nunavut of Britain...

	23-08-2003 23:16									#3
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How's your little one, Laz?

	23-08-2003 23:17									#4
	Help yourself to an AD-FREE life

Nice to be back in Bristol then? Check out my thread for my views on Bristol Laz, I am sure you will have plenty of input

And I agree - Laz, you are so f**king coarse

	23-08-2003 23:41									#5
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quote: Originally posted by Lazarus and the Gimp She's fine. The family we stayed with had a 3 year old boy, so they were perfectly happy to spend their spare time stripping off and inspecting each other's genitals.

That's kids for you.

	23-08-2003 23:44									#6
	Help yourself to an AD-FREE life

and the word is NOT holiday... it's called vacation

	24-08-2003 00:02									#7
	Help yourself to an AD-FREE life

quote: Why in God's name do they attempt to hand-feed sheep? They approach, with handfuls of grass, making encouraging sounds. The sheep take one look and bolt for the hills.

I remember when I was at my grandma's farm. We went there every summer. I once tried to hand-feed the sheep, though they didn't run away. They just ate and ate and ate. Then my uncle came and screamed at me for feeding the sheep so much. Then we went away. We didn't go to grandma's farm every summer after that.

Stupid sheep.

	24-08-2003 00:42									#8
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"and the word is NOT holiday... it's called vacation"

Honestly, that must be the most up-tight, anally retentive thing I have read in at least a year!!! How could that possibly bother you? It isn't even worth mentioning!

	24-08-2003 06:15									#9
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Speer, you've been around long enough to know the rule regarding insulting family members, whether you think it's a joke or not.

See you in a week, and the subject's not open for discussion, so don't waste my time or yours.

	24-08-2003 07:04									#10
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Ok, the crap, and comments about the crap, have been deleted, so the thread can get back on it's original course, or sink, as the case may be.

	24-08-2003 07:05									#11
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MtG, my post was legit. But no matter, it wasn't important, either

	24-08-2003 07:08									#12
	Inflate your Upload Space

I just took a broad "let God sort 'em out" approach to anything that either may have looked like a threadjack or that I just didn't check the "no" button since the default setting is to delete posts, not keep them.

	24-08-2003 07:09									#13
	Support Apolyton buy from Amazon

I'd hate to see you in command of a rifle platoon on the Korean DMZ

	24-08-2003 08:00									#14
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We demand a listing, review and ranking of all the malts you tried!

Welcome back!

Last edited by The Mad Monk on 24-08-2003 at 14:25

	24-08-2003 09:20									#15
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This thread is a blatant copy of my holiday in Queensland thread, right down to the ancient celtic runes.

	24-08-2003 11:44									#16
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quote: Originally posted by The Mad Monk We demand a listing, review and ranking of all the malts you tried! :doitnow: Welcome back!

Poit Dubh- an unchillfiltered malt from Skye aimed at the local Gaelic-speaking market. It's got the slightly oily texture you'd expect from the absence of chill-filtering. Tastes lighter than most island malts- closer to a Speyside. Very nice.

Caol Ila- A middleweight Islay, less smokey than Lagavulin and Laphroiag. This gets balanced out by the fact that it's a rare bottling of cask-strength 55% stuff I bought. The concentration makes it taste closer to Lagavulin, but with a heavier texture.

Ben Nevis- Nothing special. Close to a typical lowland malt and lacking in substance.

Te Bheag- This is actually a blend, but it contains 50% malts, has no chill-filtering and tastes better than some malts. Marketed by the same distillery as Poit Dubh.

Talisker- Skye's biggest malt. Less smokey than Islay malts, but has a definite kelpy taste to it. A bit astringent, but damned good anyway.

	24-08-2003 11:46									#17
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There were others, but I only included the ones I wasn't too addled to appreciate.

	24-08-2003 14:24									#18
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quote: That meant lots of cosy nights in front of an open fires and drinking loads of obscure malts to stay warm.

The only bit that makes your absence at the biggest ever Poly meet legitimate.