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MrFun
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of Iowa
Nov 2000
time: 23:30
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quote:
Originally posted by Thorn
Those who don't like reading long things can skip to part B
You know most of my problems would probably dissappear if I was happier. So instead of treating the symptoms like I've been doing for the past.... 1...2...3...4 YEARS.... I decided that maybe I should focus on source.
I've decided that the source of my problems stem from unhappiness, and lack of social contact.
Well unhappiness and not having social contact are interrelated as human beings are social creatures (right?).
I've been so unhappy in life that I went from hateful dilusion to almost full blown schizophrenia (I got as far as schizotypal before they started treating me). Well the drugs and the therapy don't work, because they only solve the symptoms, but not the core problems, the emptyness and the worthlessness that I feel about my life.
Why am I so empty inside is because I don't have very many people in my life, the bulk of people I have contact with are on the internet, and recently that has been shrinking quite rapidly.
I'm gay but there is a problem too I am very scared. I had a real rough time in high school, the emotional damage has not gone away. Let me give you some background.
Part A
Anyone who remember the old evc, about 4 years ago, well I was that fanatical and outspoken in real life. In the process I hurt a lot of people, and made people in my high school terrified of me (so when I tried to reform I set myself up for some vengence of others).
I think to understand this better, perhaps it would be interesting to equate what my behavior is: a defense mechanism gone astray.
I've lived with fear for so long in my life, that I developed a reaction to allieviate this fear, and that was to make others afraid of me... it worked, but it is still costing me heavily.
I decided in one year (my Senior Year at High School)... that after I found out all the foundations for my extremists beliefs were based on a lie and built in quicksand, that I would completely remove my defense mechanism all together.
It seemed to be a positive improvement for about 3 months, but then people had realized the idea that I was both gay and not the scary person that I used to be. I live in a very religious state and there is a lot of poverty here as well. So the gay change was not welcomed at all. Secondly, people were looking for revenge for all those times I scared people (ie made their girlfriends cry thinking I was going to kill everybody), and etc....
Those who followed my plight, would know how this story ended up. Lost the bulk of my friends, started getting picked on continously, finally got so bad, and when the last of my friends were gone for unrelated circumstances, that I was forced to drop out of High School.
The depression set in, and I was so hurt by people, that I didn't trust anyone....
Snap forward to my first year of college, and the depression continued to multiply and with all the added trauma that I faced in the past, my body for whatever reason could not handle it. So I became pretty much schizotypal with irregular psychotic episodes. This of course depressed me further, and my distrust of people stopped me from branching out to meet people.
Part B
So what do I do, I snap back into the only familiar thing that worked, my ridiculous defense mechanisms.... and the insanity that has occured since then up to the present is beyond the scope of this post.
You see these defense mechanisms make me into something I'm not, it is like a hyper-bluff, I will back it up, but it is totally against my nature.
Imagine not being yourself for most of your life, because you were too scared to be it.
Truth is I walk around with scowl on my face when I would rather be acting sensitive and nice...
My High School trauma prevents me from fully realizing what I had tried to do then... I just can't get over the fear.
I'm afraid if I behave as gay as I really am that I will be ridiculed, attacked, and generally looked down upon. It is not entirely an irrational fear.
So how do I get over this, I want to throw away the remenants of my old life, and live the life I would rather be living.
My disorders are caused by fear anger and stress, happiness will relieve this, but I can't find happiness until I can learn to be myself. Fear prevents that.
So what do I do, I am a scared gay boi, in a big unforgiving world? |
I think that sometimes, the best way to help someone with problems, is to relate to them by sharing any problems you yourself, have experienced.
When you speak of having lost some friends -- I know what it's like to feel left out socially in some ways. In high school, I only had one friend really, to hang out with -- high school was a depressing, lonely time in my life. But I found a way to overcome some of the problems that I had in the past -- I gained confidence in myself through academic success and working towards a real, substantial goal in life. 
When I went to undergraduate college, I had many more people that I can call true friends -- some are my age, and the others are younger, or older than me.
As for disorders -- whether they are mental, or physical, I believe a person can find a way to overcome many of the obstacles put up by a disorder.
I have worn a hearing-aid in my left ear since the fifth grade -- earlier than that, when starting in second grade, I went through speech therapy to help me speak more clearly and those therapy sessions finally ended when I got out of sixth grade. You see, I was born with a cleft palate.
In spite of this, I have an excellent academic record after I graduated from undergraduate college.
And now, I'm taking on the challenges of graduate school with no serious qualms -- I will take this in stride, as well.
When I got back from Ecuador, grieving over my ex-boyfriend's suicide, I was still determined not to lose sight of my own goals -- not to stop taking care of myself in spite of my painful grief.
I believe that one way or another, if you really try, you can find a way to overcome your own disability -- doesn't necessarily mean you'll find the magic-one-shot cure, but I think you have the capability to overcome your obstacles.
And I thought the worst things when I came out to myself as a gay man when I was 20, before I came out to anyone else. Other gays and lesbians have had it much worse than me, but I am grateful that I have a family that is continuing to accept me for who I am. I'm hoping that you can find some way -- no matter how difficult it is for you -- to positively affirm who you are. 
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st_swithin
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10069
Nov 2002
time: 05:30
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The end.
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Thorn
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Asheville, NC
May 1999
time: 00:30
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I have some deeper issues with my fear as well. My parents have made it pretty clear that they will tolerate me as long as I am not flaming, and that they strongly discourage this. I'm not independent in the least, so I wonder where this path will lead me. I don't think my parents would do it, but if they did cut me off, I would have no way to pay for the hundreds of dollars of medication that I need each month, nor would I have any way to pay for college, I would be lost......
Many of you have mentioned that I shouldn't be falling into any stereotypes. The thing is the closer I was to flaming were the happier days of my life, when I felt the freeist and less constrained. Granted everything went to hell shortly after, but I want to be myself instead of this vile thing I've been locked into...
For me this is like a second coming out for me, I really didn't come out at all in college, and have felt repressed pretty much since. I did go to a gay club meeting, but none of the associates I've met here (semi-friends) I know probably have a clue about me (unless I'm obvious?!)... so really I'm going to have to do this all over again. I'm lucky I live on a semi-liberal campus. But there are pockets of religious fundementalists and general asses that I am going to have to watch out for.
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Elok
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Land of Ramen Dragons
Mar 2003
time: 00:30
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Well, who says your friends have to be gay? I don't know if you answered this already and I missed it, but again, have you tried befriending women? Unless you live in a VERY rough part of NC, they aren't likely to beat you up, and that's something. Other than that, try other fringe groups if you need somebody to talk to. Gamers tend to be very accepting provided you don't call them dweebs or trivialize their interests. At least, they are up here. If you don't have those there, try wiccans, or communists, or any other group who are generally regarded as whack-nuts by the population as a whole. People who get stomped on a lot aren't anywhere near as likely to push you around over petty differences.
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MrFun
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of Iowa
Nov 2000
time: 23:30
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quote:
Originally posted by Thorn
I have some deeper issues with my fear as well. My parents have made it pretty clear that they will tolerate me as long as I am not flaming, and that they strongly discourage this. I'm not independent in the least, so I wonder where this path will lead me. I don't think my parents would do it, but if they did cut me off, I would have no way to pay for the hundreds of dollars of medication that I need each month, nor would I have any way to pay for college, I would be lost......
Many of you have mentioned that I shouldn't be falling into any stereotypes. The thing is the closer I was to flaming were the happier days of my life, when I felt the freeist and less constrained. Granted everything went to hell shortly after, but I want to be myself instead of this vile thing I've been locked into...
For me this is like a second coming out for me, I really didn't come out at all in college, and have felt repressed pretty much since. I did go to a gay club meeting, but none of the associates I've met here (semi-friends) I know probably have a clue about me (unless I'm obvious?!)... so really I'm going to have to do this all over again. I'm lucky I live on a semi-liberal campus. But there are pockets of religious fundementalists and general asses that I am going to have to watch out for. |
I hope I was of some help.
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TCO
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Richmond, VA
Jan 1970
time: 00:30
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quote:
Originally posted by Thorn
I have some deeper issues with my fear as well. My parents have made it pretty clear that they will tolerate me as long as I am not flaming, and that they strongly discourage this. I'm not independent in the least, so I wonder where this path will lead me. I don't think my parents would do it, but if they did cut me off, I would have no way to pay for the hundreds of dollars of medication that I need each month, nor would I have any way to pay for college, I would be lost......
Many of you have mentioned that I shouldn't be falling into any stereotypes. The thing is the closer I was to flaming were the happier days of my life, when I felt the freeist and less constrained. Granted everything went to hell shortly after, but I want to be myself instead of this vile thing I've been locked into...
For me this is like a second coming out for me, I really didn't come out at all in college, and have felt repressed pretty much since. I did go to a gay club meeting, but none of the associates I've met here (semi-friends) I know probably have a clue about me (unless I'm obvious?!)... so really I'm going to have to do this all over again. I'm lucky I live on a semi-liberal campus. But there are pockets of religious fundementalists and general asses that I am going to have to watch out for. |
Get a job. Take care of yourself. Grow up.
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st_swithin
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10069
Nov 2002
time: 05:30
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Have a cigarette. Relax.
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Apolyton Time is 00:30. |
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04-09-2003 05:13
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