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Thorn
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Asheville, NC
May 1999
time: 00:30
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Those who don't like reading long things can skip to part B
You know most of my problems would probably dissappear if I was happier. So instead of treating the symptoms like I've been doing for the past.... 1...2...3...4 YEARS.... I decided that maybe I should focus on source.
I've decided that the source of my problems stem from unhappiness, and lack of social contact.
Well unhappiness and not having social contact are interrelated as human beings are social creatures (right?).
I've been so unhappy in life that I went from hateful dilusion to almost full blown schizophrenia (I got as far as schizotypal before they started treating me). Well the drugs and the therapy don't work, because they only solve the symptoms, but not the core problems, the emptyness and the worthlessness that I feel about my life.
Why am I so empty inside is because I don't have very many people in my life, the bulk of people I have contact with are on the internet, and recently that has been shrinking quite rapidly.
I'm gay but there is a problem too I am very scared. I had a real rough time in high school, the emotional damage has not gone away. Let me give you some background.
Part A
Anyone who remember the old evc, about 4 years ago, well I was that fanatical and outspoken in real life. In the process I hurt a lot of people, and made people in my high school terrified of me (so when I tried to reform I set myself up for some vengence of others).
I think to understand this better, perhaps it would be interesting to equate what my behavior is: a defense mechanism gone astray.
I've lived with fear for so long in my life, that I developed a reaction to allieviate this fear, and that was to make others afraid of me... it worked, but it is still costing me heavily.
I decided in one year (my Senior Year at High School)... that after I found out all the foundations for my extremists beliefs were based on a lie and built in quicksand, that I would completely remove my defense mechanism all together.
It seemed to be a positive improvement for about 3 months, but then people had realized the idea that I was both gay and not the scary person that I used to be. I live in a very religious state and there is a lot of poverty here as well. So the gay change was not welcomed at all. Secondly, people were looking for revenge for all those times I scared people (ie made their girlfriends cry thinking I was going to kill everybody), and etc....
Those who followed my plight, would know how this story ended up. Lost the bulk of my friends, started getting picked on continously, finally got so bad, and when the last of my friends were gone for unrelated circumstances, that I was forced to drop out of High School.
The depression set in, and I was so hurt by people, that I didn't trust anyone....
Snap forward to my first year of college, and the depression continued to multiply and with all the added trauma that I faced in the past, my body for whatever reason could not handle it. So I became pretty much schizotypal with irregular psychotic episodes. This of course depressed me further, and my distrust of people stopped me from branching out to meet people.
Part B
So what do I do, I snap back into the only familiar thing that worked, my ridiculous defense mechanisms.... and the insanity that has occured since then up to the present is beyond the scope of this post.
You see these defense mechanisms make me into something I'm not, it is like a hyper-bluff, I will back it up, but it is totally against my nature.
Imagine not being yourself for most of your life, because you were too scared to be it.
Truth is I walk around with scowl on my face when I would rather be acting sensitive and nice...
My High School trauma prevents me from fully realizing what I had tried to do then... I just can't get over the fear.
I'm afraid if I behave as gay as I really am that I will be ridiculed, attacked, and generally looked down upon. It is not entirely an irrational fear.
So how do I get over this, I want to throw away the remenants of my old life, and live the life I would rather be living.
My disorders are caused by fear anger and stress, happiness will relieve this, but I can't find happiness until I can learn to be myself. Fear prevents that.
So what do I do, I am a scared gay boi, in a big unforgiving world?
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st_swithin
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10069
Nov 2002
time: 05:30
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quote:
Originally posted by Thorn
[b]
So how do I get over this, I want to throw away the remenants of my old life, and live the life I would rather be living.
My disorders are caused by fear anger and stress, happiness will relieve this, but I can't find happiness until I can learn to be myself. Fear prevents that.
So what do I do, I am a scared gay boi, in a big unforgiving world? |
I'm not going to even TRY to trivialise what you've endured in your life. GOD knows I should be the last one pointing that finger.
But all I have to say, despite how trite and cliche' it may seem, is that you have only your primal fears left to face. Those are the easy ones.
I was once afraid that Michael Jackson lived under my bed - no kidding, I really had these awful nightmares that he lived in my closet and then migrated to under my bed when I wasn't looking.
Pictures of him still frighten me somewhat - why would ANYONE, right mind or not, do that to their own face?
These days, I'm not as afraid of Michael Jackson as I am of sock puppets. All that therapy, you know.
Stupid rhinos.
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Elok
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Land of Ramen Dragons
Mar 2003
time: 00:30
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What do you mean by "behave as gay as you really are?" Do you feel obligated to dress up like a guy from Miami Vice and keep on top of all the latest gossip? If it's just a matter of dating men or suffering celibacy, what other people think really shouldn't be a factor in that. It's a little bit too personal for that.
First and foremost, I would advise you to GET FRIENDS, repeat, GET FRIENDS. In real life, I mean. Even if those friends weigh about 115 pounds each, big bad tough people will tend to think twice before screwing with someone who has any form of company, just because it's harder to intimidate somebody who has some kind of emotional support. Kinda like wolves go for a deer that's isolated from the rest of the herd.
That's one reason. Another, probably more important one is that you need people to talk to who know you well. We know you about as well as Dear Abby does. That won't cut it. I myself have few close RL friends, but I'm autistic and therefore essentially born to a life of solitude. I have the mental and emotional strength to endure tremendous amounts of crap. No offense meant, but frankly it seems you don't. From what you've said here, your problems are bowling you over. You need people who really know who you are and how you live. It helps to remember the lesson that I took most of my life to learn, namely that nobody is there watching to be impressed by your fortitude, unless you believe in god, which it seems you don't. Your own opinion, despite what shrinks tell you, means precisely ****. Self-esteem is nice but it's lacking in second opinions. If you can get help from others, there's no reason not to take it, right?
So befriend at all costs. Look for people moping in deserted corners, for others getting stomped on, for wackos and loons and social lepers. Go out of your way to be helpful to people who are in a potentially screwed-over situation, and you might make friends fast. There are enough unhappy people in the world that there has to be someone out there with something in common with you.
BTW, how many girl friends have you had, or tried to have? It's my admittedly limited understanding that they react better to homosexuals than men, and there are probably lots who could stand a friend who understands how men think and doesn't want to nail them.
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st_swithin
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10069
Nov 2002
time: 05:30
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I tried to commit suicide a couple of times, and by the second try I realised I was a horrible failure at it. I got over my fear of being a complete failure by being a horrible failure. Sort of like that movie "Gigli."
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st_swithin
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10069
Nov 2002
time: 05:30
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Try getting married sometime, then well talk consequences.
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04-09-2003 03:59
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