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OzzyKP
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Rockville, MD
Oct 1999
time: 00:31
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The Ballad of King Henry VIII
I’m Henry the 8th I am,
Henry the 8th I am, I am,
I got married to the widow next door,
She’s been married 7 times before,
And every one was a Henry (Henry),
She wouldn’t have a Willy or a Sam (no Sam)
I’m her 8th old man I Henry,
Henry the 8th I am
Second verse same as the first
I’m Henry the 8th I am,
Henry the 8th I am, I am,
I got married to the widow next door,
She’s been married 7 times before,
And every one was a Henry (Henry),
She wouldn’t have a Willy or a Sam (no Sam)
I’m her 8th old man I Henry,
Henry the 8th I am
(shouts)
(mandolin solo)
I’m Henry the 8th I am,
Henry the 8th I am, I am,
I got married to the widow next door,
She’s been married 7 times before,
And every one was a Henry (Henry),
She wouldn’t have a Willy or a Sam (no Sam)
I’m her 8th old man I Henry,
Henry the 8th I am
H-E-N-R-Y
Henry (Henry) Henry (Henry)
Henry the 8th I am, I am,
Henry the 8th I am.
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OzzyKP
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Rockville, MD
Oct 1999
time: 00:31
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After many years of pure Catholic faith, the British empire has been split by a revolution of religious dissent and fervor. Sadly the break in the faith occured over less than honorable circumstances resulting from the search for a male heir by King Henry VIII. Minsteral comedian, Eddie Izzard tells the tale:
quote:
Then Henry VIII came along, Henry VIII, a big hairy king, ummm, and uhh, he said to the Pope, the head of the Catholic Church, “Mr. Pope! I’m going to marry my first wife, and then I’m going to divorce her. Now, I know what you’re going to say but stick with me – my story gets better. I’m going to marry my second wife and then I’m gong to kill her – cut her head off! Ahhhh, not expecting that, are ya? Hahaha! Third wife, gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her into a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a Rotissimat. Seventh wife, made out of jam. Eighth wife – hoooa, hooo – ” And the Pope’s going, “You crazy bugger! You can’t do all this! What are you, a Mormon? You can’t marry all these people! It’s illegal! You can’t do all thi – I am the Pope, I am the head of the church, I have to keep up st – ciao… I have to be respect… What have you been reading, the gospel according to St. Bastard?” So Henry VIII, who was, uh, Sean Connery for this film: “Well then, I will shet up a new religion in thish country. I will sh – I will shet up – the – g – uh – the, uh, religion – the Pshychotic Bashtard religion.” And an advisor said, “Why not call it Church of England, shall we?” “Ch – Church of England!” “Yes sir, much better.” “Even though I am Shcottish myshelf.” |
After a long, victorious reign, King Henry VIII lost all respect for the institutions of the church, beleiving himself the ultimate authority in the world. His victories over the Cherokee and Tartars only served to boost his sense of power and control in the world. His arrogance would lead to a catastrophic split in the church, and challenge the faith of Christians everywhere. It was not a complete loss however. One day a German monk, inspired by the courage of King Henry to break away from the Catholic church, but sickened by his reasons for doing so, began his own faith. Eddie Izzard continues to tell his tale:
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That’s the birth of Church of England, the birth of the Anglican Church! Disgusting, eh? That’s no basis to start a religion on! Nothing to do with the Protestant church – I mean, He – H – Henry just ****ged and killed a lot of women and then stole all the money off the monasteries. You know. Rape – pillage, rape and pillage, that is.
The Protestant faith was different. That started, umm, uh, well, probably around a similar time, but that was about Martin Luther, this German guy who pinned a note on a church door saying, “ ‘ang on a minute.” But in German, so, “Ein Minuten, bitte. Ich habe einen kleinen Problemo avect dieser Religionay.” He was from everywhere. So yeah. So, and, uh, so the Protestant faith was sort of tacked, you know, on by Queen Elizabeth I a bit later. “…Oh, principles! Thank God! We’ve got some principles.” |
This split rocked the foundation of the British empire. The once unified people were now split in half. England, Scandanavia, Austria and Amsterdam choose some form of new Protestant faith while France, Spain, Italy and Ireland retained their Catholic beliefs. The colonies were just a jumbled mess.
After the mess he caused trying to find a male heir, King Henry VIII never succeeded, and his daughter Queen Elizabeth I took the throne.
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OzzyKP
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Rockville, MD
Oct 1999
time: 00:31
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Meanwhile, Eddie Izzard relays the heavenly reactions to the events unfolding down on earth:
quote:
God must be up – must be up there going, “What on earth is that?” God, who is James Mason. “What on earth is that, Jesus? Jesus Christ! What on earth is that?” “Don’t take my name in vain, Dad!” “Jezee Chrizee, what on earth is that?” “Don’t call me Jezee Chrizee. Look Dad, I went down there, I taught ‘em to be hang out, be groovy, drink a bit of wine, they split into different groups! You’ve got the Catholics, the Protestants, the Jesuits, the Methodists, the Evangelicals, the free Presbyterians, the locked up Presbyterians…the Quakers, the Bakers, the Candlestick Makers... The Mormons are from Mars, Dad, we’ve had that checked out.” “And what does the Holy Ghost think of all this?” “Oh, he’s useless, Dad. Got a sheet over his head these days.” [Holy Ghost:] “Ooooh…Holy Ghost…Holy Ghost…Holy Ghost!” [God:] “Holy Ghost, this is not an episode of Scooby Doo!” [Holy Ghost:] “I would have succeeded if it wasn’t for those pesky God and Jesus fellows!” |
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winzity
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Sweden
Sep 1999
time: 05:31
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was requested by Raz.
 Attachment: hotw4.net
This has been downloaded 4 time(s).
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Frank Johnson
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Houston, TX
Jan 1970
time: 23:31
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The vibrations of distant empires, once only able to shudder the most distant of Chinese colonies hit hard in the mainland in the last few years. Scholars took note of the distinct new way in which industry was forming its self. The gifts of the past were abandoning many nations, which now had to rely on their own power.
The pride of China was gunpowder and its fine rifles and cannons. These weapons were made by craftsmen whose dearest hopes were that they would be used to protect things important to people. These were gifts which were not uncommon things to those nations which China saw were rational and sought to protect. Chinese made rifles and cannonry flowed across asia into Tartardom, India, and the lands of the Razlams and aboard ships to South Africa, and from there the world.
At home, the petty gangs and militias were being disbanded. Troops armed with China's finest weaponry replaced them in greater and greater numbers.
The world continued into a downward spirial of lies, accusations, and fogotten courtesies. China feared that a great war would erupt where Chinese weaponry would be used on both sides. And for what? Whose interests opposed whom's? Things could not be clearly seen, which made things all the more dangerous.
The prime minster sat in his study with a cigar. At least we have powerful friends. Friends who can and will defend themselves. That is the only reason I can sleep at night. We have little to fear, except the sad and pathetic outright aggression of a few, who in their current state, fail to realize the diplomatic reprecusions of those actions and how such a war could never be won.
*sigh*
Could the course be reversed? Who what strike first, and at whom? We must know who can be counted as friend, and who is determined to be our foes. Until that time, the arms race would continue unchecked.
Last edited by Frank Johnson on 23-11-2003 at 13:02
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OzzyKP
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Rockville, MD
Oct 1999
time: 00:31
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 General Cortez was presented with the Elizabeth Cross by Queen Elizabeth in a London ceremony last week. For his valiant defence of God and country, General Cortez has become the most decorated military hero in British history. Cortez was victorious in three wars in the new world, successful in expanding British territory and quelling hostile native civilizations.
His first victory was in the British-Tartar war. The Tartars built the city of Hedeby in the Mississippi delta in strict violation of the Treaty of Budva. Gen. Cortez issued a notice to the Tartars that the violating settlement must be removed immediately or face destruction. He waited as long as any patient man but was ignored. Cortez pulled off a brilliant manuever at the Battle of Hedeby, Commander Washington led the main force to the east while General Cortez led his conquistador contigent around through the forests of Arkansas to outflank the defending Tartar forces. It was a firm victory for the British, loosing nary a man. After the sinking of the Tartar ship by Sir Francis Drake off the coast of Carolina the war was over and Tartarland gave up all ambitions for eastern North America, accepting the Treaty of Budva at last.
Next came the Indian Wars. After decades of peaceful coexistance between the British settlers and their Cherokee neighbors things finally came to a head in 480. Some suspect the Cherokee were incited by the once neighboring Tartars, but their raids on peaceful British frontiersmen would no longer go unpunished. Gen. Cortez allied with the Iroquois confederacy, long time rivals of the Cherokee, and they detached a unit of archers to assist in the assault. The Cherokee called upon their northern friends the Mohicans who sent down archers to counter the Iroquois presence. They fought it out along the banks of the Ohio river. Ultimately the Iroquois prevailed, slaughtering every opponent down to the last of the Mohicans.
The battle for the Cherokee base camp was a more difficult one. Employing similar tactics to the siege of Hedeby, Cortez and Washington surrounded the city and then closed in. It was a long battle, and many men were injured on both sides. After the 3rd night of fighting the Cherokee finally surrendered. Their braves had been decimated. Showing sympathy for the defeated Cherokee, Cortez invited the remaining women and children into the British empire as citizens. Soldiers from Cortez' units took wives from the remaining Cherokee widows and raised families. Thus ended the once proud Cherokee nation.
After years of rest and relaxation in the former Cherokee city, the women once again saw their husbands off to battle. New husbands and a new battle. Called upon by the Queen to honor the British alliance with Serbia, General Cortez sent his forces down below the Rio Grande, to do battle with the Aztecs. This mighty civilization had been under siege by the Serbs for decades, but they outnumbered and out muscled the invading Serbs, long holding them at bay. This is why the Serbs called upon the great military hero, Sir Herman Cortez.  Cortez and Washington led their army south to the enemy city, but were alerted by Serb messangers that the assault had already begun. Attacking from the mountains, the Serbs had made a brave assault on the Aztec capital of Tenochtitlan. Losses were heavy on both sides and the Serbs had to retract from the battle to heal their wounded. As the Aztecs were still realing from the attack the messanger urged General Cortez to strike now, while their forces were depleated.
Leaving the bulk of his army behind, Cortez and Washington led two mounted units at top speed across the plains of Mexico down to Tenochtitlan. Both divisions faught valiantly and captured the Aztec capitol. Herman Cortez fought with such strength and power, Aztec King Montezuma described him as Quetzalcoatl, their god returning to punish them. After the battle, the people were so cowed by Cortez' ferocity in battle they bowed down to him as their new ruler and god. While he was indeed tempted to remain, he was honor bound to turn control of the city to the Serbs.
For his great heroism in battle, and loyalty to the crown General Cortez received the highest honor the British nation has. His deeds will live on in legend for centuries to come. Cortez the Conquerer he will forever be known.
 Attachment: cortezwarjournal.jpg
This has been downloaded 19 time(s).
Last edited by OzzyKP on 29-11-2003 at 08:55
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20-11-2003 09:21
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