 |
|
asleepathewheel
|
|
listening too long to one song
Mar 2002
time: 00:31
|
|
Its the finest of the flavas
|
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
|
jackl
|
|
Ahh i see...I got one for you then. A good friend of mine from Gutterslough near Frankfurt sent me this joke last week.
Euro-English Instead of German
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
|
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
|
sabrewolf
|
 |
turicum, helvetistan
Jun 2002
time: 06:31
|
|
i know it's completely off-topic, like the thread, but this one was hilarious at the time of the elections 3 years ago:
London, 8th November 2000.
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "****".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
11. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation and... have a nice day!
RE: Notice of Revocation of Independence
To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland:
We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always, we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o, chum.
However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.
To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:
1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage, the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements.
In 1925, the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman).
However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.
2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.
3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15.)
4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels," "Trainspotting" and "The Full Monty." We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot." But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.
5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty; it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.
6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.
7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted ****. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach you how to cook.
8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing. It's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.
9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies."
Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.
P.S. - regarding WWII: You're welcome!
|
|
| |
|
|
|
Outsider
|
|
Seattle, Wa USA
Apr 2000
time: 05:31
|
|
On the WWII issue... I'd like to say "thankyou" to the UK (and the Russians) for keeping the Germans busy for a smidge over 2 years while we got our act together on this side of the pond.
I'd also like to thank the British Army specifically for taking the tougher, slower, nastier side in our joint operations after we did get in the war. The right side in Sicily and the left side in Normandy were the harder sides of those operations. (In Sicily the right was very difficult and constricted terrian-wise, and in Normandy, the left was the side that had the preponderance of the German armor. In both cases, the British side of the front was the side more likely and able to get reinforcements, too.)
I'm an American and even I am getting tired of hearing my fellow Americans ask (even jokingly) that the Europeans continue to thank us and defer to us because of WWII. It was almost 60 years ago now that we piled up that goodwill, and we've been drawing off it ever since. At some point it runs out. In my book, that has pretty much already happened as the generation who were direct participants in the events of the time have mostly passed away.
PS :
In Civ 3 terms :
UK Infantry 6-10-1 (Standard Civ3 Infantry)
US Infantry 6-10-2 (Motorized, rather than Mechanized)
UK Armor 16-14-1 (The infamous "Infantry Tanks")
US Armor 16-10-2 (Standard Civ3 Armor)
UK units also tended to have more experience than their US counterparts. Relatively more veterans and elites, and relatively fewer regulars and conscripts.
Of course you use your UK units to hold the strong side and your US ones to sweep the weak one.
Last edited by Outsider on 18-10-2003 at 21:26
|
|
| |
|
|
|
Turrosh Mak
|
|
Not to stereotype, but in the Korean war, the British gained a reputation for being mediocre on the offensive but tough as nails defensively. The exact opposite of the reputation of the Turks.
|
|
| |
|
|
|
Turrosh Mak
|
|
Quantity has a quality all its own
|
|
| |
All times are GMT. The time now is 05:31.
Apolyton Time is 00:31. |
top of page
|
| archivepost |
|
Forum Rules:
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
|
HTML code is ON
vB code is ON
Smilies are ON
[IMG] code is ON
|
|
|
|
|
|
16-10-2003 20:46
The last sentences sound almost like American English 
.
|